Welcome to Our Fall e-Newsletter
I
would like to personally invite you to take part in the conversation on our
blog Divorce Without Dishonor. Our blog and newsletter are about helping people
and professionals to find solutions to these very tough interpersonal situations
where kids are involved.
Best Regards,
Mike Mastracci
P.S. We are pleased to announce that my book "Stop Fighting Over the Kids, Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations", is due to be released in January or February 2009. Click the image to the right to be added to our advanced notice waiting list.
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Overcoming Guilt About Divorce
Guilt is a huge issue when you make the decision to divorce. You feel guilt
that your marriage failed, that the family unit is disintegrating, that your
children will suffer.
The opportunities to experience guilt during divorce are endless, but you must overcome those feelings of guilt in order to start healing from divorce, says Dr. Paul Wanio in a recent article, Overcoming Guilt About the Divorce on the Child Centered Divorce website. Click here to read the complete article online by Dr. Paul Wanio.
Your sense of guilt may be strongest where it involves your children. Dr. Wanio says it's important to keep in mind the following:
- Nobody's perfect and that's OK.
- Everyone makes mistakes, even when they're doing their best.
- Divorce is like death in that you and your children need to grieve for the losses divorce entails. Be there for your children, listen to them and try to be understanding. Let your children know it's OK to have strong emotions and encourage them to talk about them.
- Negative comments made by your child may be an expression of distress, not criticism. Blaming you is a coping mechanism.
- Accept that change never happens as quickly as you'd like it too. Be patient.
There are great online resources you can find on the web to help you release the guilt you may be feeling. Just one recommended by a reader is http://www.firstwivesworld.com/. You may want to click in to check out the resources on this website as your voyage through the healing process from divorce. For men, there are not as many online websites, but numerous books. Here's just one online resource with articles that men may want to read.
You may want to read more about collaborative law from our website at www.DivorceWithoutDishonor.com.
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Conversations From Our Blog on "A Child's Response to Her Absent Father"
Our blog Divorce Without Dishonor is a great place to start learning and healing. We encourage you to visit it frequently and to leave your personal comments, experiences, and insight. This particular post on our blog www.DivorceWithoutDishonor.com has elicited a strong response from readers that you may be interested in reading. We've inserted the full blog post below and just a few of our reader's comments.
Last time we talked about Ghost Dads, fathers who fade away after divorce (see our February 4 post). In most cases fathers who stop seeing their children do so for their own emotional health and self preservation, but in doing so they place a damaging burden on their children. A friend of mine raised three girls without the involvement or support of their father. Now grown women, they continue to have self doubts and relationship issues that stem from the absence of their father as they were growing up. The following is a portion of a letter one of them recently wrote to her dad. She is now 24.
"Why don’t you ever write to me? I've written you letters, sent emails
and birthday cards, but you never write back. Don't you love me? Don't you
care about me? I am your daughter but I feel abandoned. Am I that unlovable?
I want to get to know you again but you seem to have closed your heart. Please
write back otherwise I don't think I can keep trying. It's just too hard."
The children who heal fastest from divorce are those who enjoy the love, support and involvement of both parents. As a father, it's essential that you remain part of your children's daily lives during and after divorce. You need to be in the crowd cheering at soccer and Little League games. You need to be in the audience at dance recitals and school programs. You need to attend parent-teacher conferences. You need to help with homework, comfort your child when they're sick, go out for ice cream, play catch at the park - all the things you did when you lived together as a family. It's the way you show your kids that you love them and that you'll always be there for them.
T. A. said "unless you been through it, you have no idea what it is
like. You get VISITation. Notice the VISIT part. You are a visitor. You are
not really a Dad. Sure, you can change the definition of a Dad, but you are
still a VISITOR."
"Now, a Mom that gets custody, wants a Dad involved for the KIDS.
But, for those MOM's that were lazy, shop-a-holics, or cheaters, I say, IF
YOU REALLY CARED FOR YOUR KIDS, YOU WOULD HAVE PUT THE RELATIONSHIP first."
"These Mom's have no right to whine about a Dad that abandons the kids. YOU
HAVE NO IDEA HOW PAINFUL it is. In these cases, I tell the Dad to abandon
the kids. The Mom doesn't care, you are a visitor, and there is nothing but
pain ahead. Go, live life, and forget the past. Based on some studies that
50% of men abandon the kids, I say that is what they are doing."
A.D. said "some men give up - like I did. I had four grown kids. In
addition, I had five wonderful grandchildren. My ex waged war against me
at every turn and on all levels. I spent 7 years being the brunt of jokes,
ridicule and insults from my ex and children. I had adopted her two children
and had two more children."
"Following an accident that nearly ended my life, I was diagnosed with cancer.
The kids rarely visited. It was a huge blow. But remarkably, I recovered.
Oh well, forgive and forget - I always said. But as each holiday season came
and went, the kids visited less and less. So I would go visit them, but never
felt welcome. Finally, Thanksgiving came and no one visited. And when Christmas
came, they visited for one hour. I looked around my place and realized there
wasn't a Christmas tree. Why hadn't I bought one? The truth hit me - I never
expected anyone to visit. I had given up. Remembering a line from a movie,
'Get busy living or get busy dying' - I moved to Europe, where I now live."
"I have not heard anything from my children or grandchildren. But maybe someday
they will realize that I loved them. At least I hope so."
Although we may not agree with every point of view and comment posted on our blog, clearly people are hurt by divorce and want to share their view points. All sides of the conversation are valued on our blog. There are many other comments on this particular blog post that will get you thinking. We invite you to take a moment to read the rest of the comments and to leave your own. As you weigh your own options on divorce and custody issues, we hope that you will consider collaborative divorce as one option that may not tear your children apart from you and may actually help all involved to move forward in a healthy emotional process.
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