Divorce Without Dishonor

There’s an interesting article on DadsDivorce.com entitled The Ghost Dad Phenomenon written by Sarah Hampson of The Globe and Mail (click the link to read the article). It talks about the dads who disappear after divorce. They continue to send child support, but they’re physically absent from their children’s lives. They become “ghosts” to their children. As the years go by they become a hazily remembered presence imbued with equal parts of love, anger and confusion; but for their children the ache of their loss never goes away.

The big question is why? Sure there are abusive fathers and irresponsible fathers whose children are probably better off without them. But why do fathers who love their children disappear? If they love their children, how can they hurt them by abandoning them?

As a divorced dad explains in the article, “It’s about shame.” “In the world of masculinity,” writes Ms. Hampson, “you’re either a winner or a loser … It’s black and white. Divorce is seen as failure, ergo you’re a loser. Who wants to be reminded of that?”

Post-divorce conflicts over child support, parenting and visitation, coupled with spousal criticism, dating, remarriage or job relocation can strain a father’s relationship with his family to the breaking point.

“A man feels sadness,” explains Calvin Sandborn, author of Becoming the Kind Father.  ”But on some level he thinks, ‘I’m not supposed to feel sadness,’ so the way men react is to blame the person who is making them feel sad. They get angry. There’s an adrenalin rush. And that makes them feel powerful again.”

Many fathers who feel increasing anger at their marginalization in their children’s lives respond by leaving. Ill-equipped to deal with their emotions and unable to express them, they choose to avoid them. The pain of being repeatedly reminded of what they have lost, drives them away. They push away from the pain and anger caused by a situation they cannot control and in the process abandon the children they love.

Next time: A child’s response.

When you and your former partner opt for a collaborative divorce you are putting yourselves in control of the timing of the divorce process.

If you go to court you are most certainly not in charge. The attorneys set court dates and these dates are set to fit their schedules, not yours. If you need extra time to think about an issue or find that things are moving too quickly, you may not be able to stop things once they get going. On the flip side, if your divorce case gets put at the bottom of the pile for some reason, you could find that the process in dragging when you really want to get some closure and move on with your life.

In a collaborative divorce, the couple can decide how to proceed. It is up to you to decided when the petition for divorce is filed. The process moves forward when the two parties involved agree and there is not third party there to impose restrictions.

A divorce is already painful enough without the added pressure of having to go through it on someone else’s timetable. Both parties will feel much more empowered when they are the ones overseeing the process.

Before most people divorce, one of the people generally moves out in order to avoid exacerbating the situation and to try and distance both parties from interactions that continue to plague the marriage.  It is the stage where the two people are not really married, but not yet divorced. 

If you are the person who has elected to move out or is thinking of it, you should be careful because moving out at this time, without a separation agreement might set a precedent for what is awarded in the divorce.  For example, if you own a home, do not give up your rights before divorce papers are drawn up! 

The first step in separating from your spouse, before doing anything, is to find out what the laws are in your state.  Although it is possible to do this on your own and draw up your own separation papers, it is advisable to consult with an attorney who can draw up the papers so you can best protect yourself. 

The reason for considering making a separation legal before making any specific moves is that this protects your with regard to child custody and support, taxes, and any new debts.   A legal separation also helps you set the stage for negotiating the final divorce settlement.  Both the states of Maryland and Virginia recognize the legal documentation of separation.

Don’t belittle yourself, your friends will do it for you.

Actions speak louder than words, and they tell fewer lies.

When you get divorced, it turns your children’s world upside down. Last time we talked about things you should do to help your children cope with the changes divorce creates in their lives (see our August 2 post). But there are also some things you should not do that will make the adjustment easier for your children.

1. Don’t be a sugar daddy. Parenting by guilt, giving your child everything he wants, becoming the Disneyland dad (or mom) will not comfort your child. He wants you and your undivided attention in his life, not a lot of meaningless things. 
2. Don’t ignore discipline. Children need limits to feel safe and secure. By removing the limits and giving in to your child’s every demand or temper tantrum, you shift the power from parent to child. Despite his protests, this is not what your child truly wants. Children will push the limits until they reach the safety of the boundaries. By continually extending those boundaries, you deny your child the security he craves.
3. Don’t bash your spouse. Despite your differences, your spouse is your child’s mother or father and your child will always love him or her. Many parents make the mistake of trying to undermine their children’s love for the other spouse, to get their children on their side. It is unfair to put your children in the middle of your adult problems and ask them to take sides. This will just create unbearable stress for your children and trust issues than may plaque them well into their adult lives.
4. Don’t introduce new partners too soon. Your children need time to adjust to the realities of your divorce. It is normal for children to have fantasies about their parents getting back together. They need time to assimilate the separation and the changes in their lives. Introducing dating partners too soon just causes your children additional angst and confusion.
5. Don’t neglect your health. The stress of divorce will take a tremendous physical and mental toll. Make sure you eat right, get enough sleep and exercise to reduce stress. You won’t have the energy to help your children if you don’t take care of yourself.

It’s important to help your children accept and cope with your divorce without drawing them into your difficulties and struggles with your spouse. It’s a tall order and you may not be successful all the time, but every effort you make will help your children adjust and weather the changes divorce brings more successfully.

1. Remain predictable. As much as possible, continue normal, everyday routines. Family dinners, after school activities, play dates, chores, homework time, visits to grandma’s — all the small routines that have defined your children’s lives should be continued. Routine and predictability give your child’s life stability. It is important to maintain discipline. Consistent discipline will help your child feel safe and secure at a time when his life may feel out of control.
2. Remain dependable. Let your children know they can count on you. Be on time for activities with your children and pay your child support on time. If changes in routine must be made, tell your child well in advance and discuss the change and reason for it so your child has time to adjust.
3. Remain involved. It is normal for children to feel rejected during divorce, even blame themselves for their parents’ separation. You need to remove this burden from your child. You can never tell a child you love him too often. Give hugs and accept hugs. Be involved — or become involved — in your child’s daily life: help with homework, attend activities, cheer at sporting events, drive carpools, play ball with your child and his friends, telephone just to say “hi.”
4. Remain civil. For the children’s sake, cooperate with your spouse about child rearing issues. Put any personal disagreements aside and make decisions about your children together. Present the same united front you presented when you were happily married. You are both still your children’s parents and need to act together in their best interests. Make every effort to keep basic rules — homework, curfew, chores, TV privileges, discipline, behavior toward adults and other family members — consistent in both homes. These things give your child a much-needed anchor during a turbulent time.
5. Remain interested. Show your children that you love them and are interested in their lives. Listen to them when they talk to you. Try to read between the lines and address the fear, anger and emotions that they may be experiencing. When you are with your children, live in the moment. Don’t get sidetracked discussing issues with your spouse or friends or wading through paperwork or immersing yourself in office work. By focusing your full attention on your children when you are with them, you reassure them of their importance in your life.

Next time: A few things you don’t want to do.

Divorce these days surrounds us. Children everywhere are affected. It affects our grandkids, our nieces and nephews, our neighbors, our students or patients, and many other kids that touch our daily lives. Sometimes on the outside it’s hard to know what to do. So just what can you do? Follow this link to find ten great suggestions to help make a difference for a child of divorce you might know:

Read more by following this link:

http://sheknows.com/about/look/7904.htm#more

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