Divorce Without Dishonor

“Divorce is never easy – especially for the ones who have no choice in the matter – the children.  When parents make the decision to divorce, their children’s lives are altered forever. It is crucial for parents to understand how their actions and attitudes during the divorce process will adversely affect their children. By educating themselves on how to control their emotions, and therefore, actions, parents can help lessen the negative impact of divorce on their children.  “STOP Fighting Over The Kids … Resolving Day – To – Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations” by Mike Mastracci is a fantastic source of information for divorcing parents by someone “who has been there”, both personally and professionally.”

Heath Drescher, Illustrator of  “YOU and ME MAKE THREE … B.B. – The Bear Who’s Always There – Helps Kids With Divorce”

More about Heather Drescher

Heather Drescher graduated from the Art Institute of Fort Lauderdale with a Bachelor of Science degree in Computer Animated Art.  She has contributed illustrations to several children’s educational projects, as well as endeavors with various authors.  Drescher has also been certified in M. Gary Neuman’s Sandcastles Program.  She owns Heather Drescher Artistry  which specializes in fine art and photography.  She is also co-owner of Caring Creations, LLC which promotes charitable missions for children through books and education. 

Welcome to 2009 and and the Brave New World. No, I don’t pretend to know what it will look/feel/be like, but I dare predict– it will be different.

So, food for thought. Are there, perhaps, millions of folks out there in  this country who KNOW they do NOT want to fight, even though they do want to end their marriages?

(A corollary– are most lawyers unaware this is true , or even … possible?)

I think the answer to BOTH questions is… yes!!!

Anyone have a  reaction?

As co-founder of the Michigan SMILE program, an educational seminar for parents regarding the impact of divorce on children, I was delighted to read Michael Mastracci’s “Stop Fighting Over the Kids.”

Michael Mastracci’s approach makes it clear that parental conflict can be toxic for children and that every mother and father has the power to minimize that impact by learning and agreeing to put their children first. This book presents a road map to make this better outcome possible. I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to take their kids out of the middle and on the path to fulfillment of their potential.

Honorable Edward Sosnick, Circuit Court Judge
Co-founder of the Michigan SMILE Program for Divorcing Families

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From all your friends here at Divorce Without Dishonor, we wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday.

While a divorce can be one of the most traumatic events of an adult’s life, the keys to dealing with divorce can be found in the behavioral patterns of early childhood. Dr. Deb Hecker explores the similarities between developing oneself as a human being and redeveloping oneself as a newly single person. Understanding these similarities will aid divorce attorneys in both dealing with and understanding their clients’ emotional needs and state of mind.

Introduction

Aiding your clients in the transition from being part of a couple to being successfully divorced has as much to do with exercising emotional intelligence as legal intelligence. Some of the most difficult impasses in divorce are based on unresolved emotional issues, not concerns over division of property or even custody issues. At these times, a lawyer focusing solely on the facts or content of the case simply cannot help the client move beyond the emotional stalemate.

Most of the literature on the psychology of divorce treats divorce as the death of a relationship and focuses on the necessity of grieving that death in order to move forward as a no-longer-married person. The end of a marriage can be as traumatic as the actual death of a loved one in its capacity to wrench life apart and carve out a piece of the soul. All domestic attorneys have witnessed their clients’ emotional chaos — an emotional state that Abigail Trafford in her book “Crazy Time, Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life” refers to as “temporary insanity”.

In order to more fully understand why divorce is such a devastating transition and why otherwise nice people behave so badly during divorce — badly enough to inadvertently interfere in the process — it is vital for divorce attorneys to have a grasp of the psychology of separation. A concerned and sensitive divorce attorney should understand how transitioning from being part of a couple complete with the emotional, social, and financial security that comes from being a part of a team to being single and self-reliant can create such emotional upheaval for their clients.

The metamorphosis from being part of a marital couple to becoming a single, unattached person is a series of developmental stages paralleling the early years of the mother-child bond, as described by pioneering researcher, Dr. Margaret Mahler. In her groundbreaking book The Psychological Birth of the Human Infant: Symbiosis and Individuation, Mahler outlines her model of child development, which one can directly apply to the interactive characteristics of a couple’s relationship.

The following brief description of Mahler’s theory on separation-individuation provides the framework for understanding the process through which a child must transition in order to achieve a separate identity from its mother. After exploring the mother-child dyad, we will look at how it serves as the foundation for the marital relationship and what happens when that relationship dissolves.

Child Developmental Stages

Mahler saw the infant as being born into a normal autistic phase whose primary task is to establish equilibrium outside the womb. At around two months old, the infant’s sensitivity to external stimulation increases, and he moves into the symbiotic phase. The term “symbiosis” in this context is a metaphor describing the “undifferentiation” — a fusion with the mother in which the “I” is not yet differentiated from the “not-I”. According to Mahler, it is the symbiotic phase that becomes the template for all gratification as well as empathy and love in future relationships.

At about five or six months, the differentiation phase begins, and the infant becomes more alert to his external surroundings — exploring both the mother and the environment. Using his body, the baby learns his outer physical boundaries, thereby experiencing greater differentiation from the mother. Soon thereafter, the practicing phase begins in which the child, according to Mahler, develops a “love affair” with the world, learning to crawl and walk away from the mother. Assuming she is comfortable with this leap of autonomy, the child will successfully enter the rapprochement phase, a difficult time when the child is more ambivalent about his growing independence and begins to manifest a lot of push-pull behavior. Finally, consolidation of individuality begins to take place, and all previous mother-child interactions become internalized and begin to form the basis of the child’s feelings of well being and capacity for healthy future relationships.

The Marital Couple’s Developmental Stages

Using Mahler’s early childhood developmental stages as a springboard, we can explore the evolution of a couple’s relationship.

One can liken the first stage of couplehood, that of being “madly in love”, to Mahler’s second stage of infant growth — symbiosis. The purpose of this stage is attachment. In this stage, singles begin merging lives and personalities and go through a period of intense bonding. If each person receives nurture from the other during this stage and the agreement to form a couple is clear, the relationship will begin with a solid foundation. The partners conceptualize their relationship in terms of a fusion model: together, we shall be one. They look to each other for completion and fulfillment.

During the subsequent differentiation stage, individual differences emerge, and each partner is taken down from the pedestal and viewed more objectively. Greater boundaries are established. Disillusion and disappointment are inevitable.

Continuing the parallel with Mahler’s model, the couple enters a normal period of practicing in which each participates in activities and relationships away from the other. Separateness, autonomy, and self become more important than developing the relationship. Conflicts intensify, and a healthy process for conflict resolution becomes necessary in order for the couple to maintain an emotional connection while developing themselves in the world. After each has developed a well-defined, competent identity, the couple alternates between periods of increased intimacy and efforts to reestablish independence. This rapprochement stage achieves a balance between “me” and “we”. Finally, the couple reaches a stage of mutual interdependence in which, ideally, two well-integrated people are individually and mutually satisfied.

Loss of Mate: The Psychology of Divorce

Inevitably, the early mother-child bond will fall short of perfectly meeting all of the child’s needs and desires. Looking to one’s spouse to meet these unfulfilled needs often becomes a convenient way to fill the gap in adulthood. Unconsciously, dependency is shifted from the parent to the mate, who becomes the recipient of these unmet needs.

While this may appear on the surface to be a reasonable solution, it is, in fact, fraught with real problems. Left unattended, these problems can lead the couple to serious conflict, even divorce.

Let’s look at a common marital dynamic. The typical couple starts off their partnership in the symbiotic phase, the fusion model, where they are both working toward oneness. What happens if one partner transitions into the differentiation or practicing phase and begins seeking greater independence, while the other remains in the symbiotic phase still yearning for the security of the marriage and locked in the maternal fantasy role? The result is likely to be a bumpy ride with one partner seeking closeness and the other distance, creating a kind of seesaw effect. With the help of a marriage counselor, some couples can remedy this imbalance. For others, the disparity is too difficult to change, and divorce becomes the only solution.

The depth with which marital partners touch each other in their intimate lives, striving to achieve a balance between closeness and distance, must be understood in order to grasp the severity of the loss through divorce. Losing a spouse who is perceived as a protector and savior, much the same way that a parent is perceived, can be a devastating and frightening blow. When attorneys understand divorce in the context of uprooting a deep psychological anchor from its mooring, the dramas that they see daily in their office are much easier to comprehend.

Conclusions

Most divorce attorneys understand that much of the time spent with clients centers on the clients’ emotional needs and personal problems resulting from their loss. Understanding how the separation process provides ample triggers for hurt, sadness, anger, and fear enables an attorney to prevent those emotions from throwing up roadblocks to progress and successful legal resolution.

In some respects, matrimonial lawyers face many of the same challenges that trained psychotherapists do, but without the benefit of training in how to manage these emotions. Although divorce lawyers do not need to be trained psychotherapists to represent their clients successfully, they need to do what they can to reduce conflict and promote a divorce environment that helps their client remain focused, calm, and goal-directed. An empathetic divorce attorney can see through the anger, greed, and grief and not allow it to impede a successful legal resolution.

A person beginning the divorce process often looks at issues through childish eyes, repeating the early behavior patterns described by Mahler and subconsciously subverting the divorce process. A divorce attorney who understands the psychological stages the client is experiencing can better promote adult behavior and provide quality legal resolution.

Since many, if not most, individuals in the midst of divorce will feel alone and frightened at some point, it can be difficult and sometimes nearly impossible for them to make rational decisions that are in their own best interests. Clients in this vulnerable state often become dependent on their divorce attorneys — looking for someone to “take care of everything”. It is vital that the divorce attorney resist the client’s misplaced dependency needs and feelings of helplessness. By involving them in the decision-making process, they will instead foster their independence.

Sound legal judgment, uncomplicated by the client’s emotions, will help minimize costly post-divorce conflicts. Armed with the knowledge that the client’s behavior is based in deeper emotional issues, a savvy divorce attorney can reduce exposure to ethical complaints as well as reduce his own stress levels.

Finally, if the pressure of dealing with the client’s emotional problems becomes too stressful, referring a client to a competent divorce counselor will benefit both the client and attorney. Coordinating the emotional divorce with the legal divorce is an excellent way of easing and shortening the divorce process.

About the Author

Deborah Hecker, Ph.D. is a divorce counselor. You can visit Dr. Deborah Hecker on the web at http://www.drdeborahhecker.com/ or by phone at 1.888.777.3585.

Mattie J.T.Stepanek, Poet and Peacemaker – (July 17, 1990 to June 22, 2004)

 What is the one thing that we all never have enough of, that we cannot ever get back? It runs our lives and ends our lives? It can be good and bad, happy and sad. It dictates our existence and controls every thing we do, and you can’t put a price on it? You guessed it – TIME. 

One lesson that I learned during my struggles through many of the issues that you now face, is to take as many setbacks as possible and spin something positive out of it. When handed lemons – make lemonade. People who go through tragedies or other life-changing experiences often come away with great wisdom and insight. They see life differently and they value things that are often taken for granted. Separation and divorce can be both a tragedy and a positive life changing experience. It is often a conscious choice that defines the outcome. When it comes to your parenting, your newborn life can give you a renewed opportunity to further appreciate the gift of parenthood. You can also become a far better parent than you may have otherwise been by staying in an unhealthy relationship.
 
Mattie’s Journey Through Heart Songs

A heartsong is something deep inside each of us. It’s our sense of why we are here and how we can keep going. It is like a purpose.  –- Mattie J.T.Stepanek, Poet and Peacemaker – (July 17, 1990 to June 22, 2004)

 It is especially sad when children have limited amount of time due to sickness and premature death.

In October of 2001, the same month as yet another court order was received in my personal ongoing child custody saga, I met young Mattie J.T. Stepanek at a book-signing event for the eleven-year-old poet who suffered a terminal illness known as Mitochondrial Myopathy, a fatal type of muscular dystrophy.  Mattie began dictating poetry at age 3.  Before he died at the young age of 13 on June 22, 2004, three of his siblings had already died of the same illness.  Mattie depended on oxygen bottles and a ventilator to breathe.  Mattie’s mother Jennie, was also largely confined to a wheelchair.  She was diagnosed with the genetic disease after giving birth to all of her children.  Mattie’s short-lived rise to fame began implausibly enough with a good deed. 

In June of 2001, a public relations specialist, Marissa Garis, at Children’s National Medical Center in Washington, DC, contacted Sheryl and Peter Barnes of VCP Books, a small company that operated out of a cottage next to the couple’s home in Alexandria, Virginia.  Anyway, Marissa Garis knew Sheryl Barnes and when she heard Mattie’s story she sought out Sheryl and her husband, Peter.  Garis told Sheryl that Mattie suffered from a rare and fatal disease and that he might live only a few days longer.  Marissa, like anyone who came in touch with Mattie was in awe.  On what appeared to be his deathbed, at the time, Mattie had three wishes.  The first was to have a book of poems published. His second wish was to talk with his hero, “peacemaker” Jimmy Carter.  And third, he wanted to talk about his poems on the Oprah Winfrey show. 

Surprisingly enough, Mattie had these dreams for nearly half of his short life.  It appeared that it was going to be either now or never.  In less than 6 months time, Mattie would ride down the isle in his motorized wheelchair and receive a heartfelt hug from no other than Oprah Winfrey in front of a national audience.  That show aired on October 19, 2001 and Journey Through Heartsongs made the New York Times Best Selling List on November 11, 2001.  Heartsongs hit the mark the following week. In his brief lifetime, Mattie had five Heartsong books of poetry published.

To this day I do not remember how it was or where it was that I heard about Mattie and his upcoming appearance scheduled at Hooters Restaurant, in Baltimore at Harbor Place.  It was strange.  I was moved by the story and knew at once that I would have to meet this special child and purchase his book.  I decided that I was going to take Nicholas with me.  My son was eight at the time. I thought that it would be good to introduce him to a young boy with disabilities who was accomplishing so much in spite of his “handicap.” I swear to you, I did not decide to go because the book-signing event was being held at Hooters.  (As you know Hooters is known for serving delicious chicken wings)! 

When I met Mattie and his mother Jen, I sat in amazement as Mattie signed my book and spoke so lovingly to everyone that he met.  Mattie clearly had an effect on me and my “attitude of gratitude.”  I was deeply saddened when I heard of his passing.  I remember seeing several news clips and special tributes to his life and his work, as well as hearing a long list of celebrities, dignitaries, and other influential people,
including former president Jimmy Carter, and Oprah Winfrey who came from afar to attend his funeral. 

My personal favorite poem from Mattie is: Circle of Happiness.
Circle of Happiness
I am a little kid
For you to love.
I am a little kid
For you to hug and kiss.
I am a little kid
For you to say
“You are so special,”
Yes you are too.
I am a little kid
For all of those things
And more.
And when you
Feel and say and do
All of those things.
I will be a little kid
Who will love you.
I will be a little kid
Who will hug and kiss you.
I will be a little kid
Who will say to you,
“You are so special, too.
Yes you are.”
I will be a little kid
Who will do all of those things
And more.
And that is what
Happiness
Is all about.

To learn more about the life and legacy of Mattie J. T. Stepanek, Poet and Peacemaker, stop by www.MattieOnline.com and as Mattie inspired, “Remember to play after every storm.”

Y2COLIN

 Back when my son was around six years old, one of his former little league coaches was Colin Healy.  In our town, the Healys are a large, well-liked, respected, kind and generous family.  Colin and his wife Kathy have two sons, one of them is younger than my son and one is a little bit older.  In 1999, without any warning, Colin contracted bacterial Meningitis and within a few days received Last Rites in anticipation of his impending death.  Miraculously, Colin survived, but he was completely blind. 

 Life had proven once again, that what happened to Colin could happen to anyone at any time.  His tragedy reminds us how fragile life is, how much we take for granted, and how vulnerable a creature we are.  This vulnerability ties us together because it is something that all of us share.  It is in this sharing that we realize the responsibility to help our friends and relatives when tragedy strikes.  Kathy Healy was the first to coin the phrase, Y2Colin, partly to satirize the then Y2K crisis that many anticipated at the turn of the century, and partly as play on words to describe Colin’s crisis at hand.   

 On January 29, 2000 at the Catonsville Community College, there was an incredible outpouring of community support for Colin and his family.  The theme of the event was Y2Colin because of the question it asks: “Why To Colin?”

 Since that time, a lot has happened.  Colin still attends practically all of his boys’ sports events with faith, pride, and enthusiasm.  Often one can observe his wife, one of his sons, or another family member or friend providing Colin second by second, minute by minute, blow by blow descriptions of his son’s participation in sporting events.  Often, while one son plays, the other experiences the event to and with their father.  For those who do not know Colin’s story, one would never know that he cannot see when he attends either of his son’s games.  Colin cheers encouragement and praise not only to his sons, but to all of his sons’ teammates. It is something that you would have to see to fully appreciate. The truth of the matter is that Colin still appreciates without seeing.

 While the answer to “Why to Colin?” we may never know, Colin Healy has touched the lives of hundreds of people.  His experience has touched thousands more.  When it comes to watching our children play sports or do anything for that matter, look closely because they are the things from which memories are made.

 “No man is a failure who has friends.”
      – Clarence Oddbody, Angel Second Class

No matter how bad things may seem, someone always has it worse. During child custody and visitation disputes it is especially helpful to put things into perspective. Too often in the busy and self-absorbed lifestyles of our times, we fail to slow down, to reflect and to appreciate. Occasionally, it is healthy to stop, look and listen.  

Unfortunately, it often takes something like an earthquake, tornado or tsunami to connect us with our compassionate inner self.  Ironically, and somewhat paradoxically, the causalities of war and the killing of innocent people often have the same effect.  However, when someone that you know personally suffers a tragedy or a loss it may likely be an opportune time for you to reconnect with your inner-self and your spiritual compass. 
 
When going through separation and divorce it is easy to feel sorry for yourself and to cloud the future by living in the past, blaming yourself, and otherwise feeling a sense of loss and ingratitude.  During these times of despair, however, it is more important than ever to be a genuine and giving person and to keep your eyes and ears open for signs to learn about and appreciate the gifts that have been bestowed upon you. 
 
The world has become too busy of a place in many respects.  All too often, it is a major accomplishment for a family to sit together at the dinner table for a meal, or to simply enjoy conversation in the fellowship of family.  During the separation and divorce process, it is extremely important to take a “time out” and “smell the roses.”  You need to take time to develop and appreciate the intangibles of life.  It helps – immensely.
 
I share the following personal reflections with you to give you pause to think, to reflect, and to regroup. It was mid May in 1996, when John E. Larkin, III, of Catonsville, Maryland, succumbed to a long and gallant fight with cancer. John was only thirty-two years young when he died. John and I went to St. Mark School together and later to Mount Saint Joseph High School. John was one of the most likable people you could imagine. He had a heart of gold. At the time of his death, John was married and had three young children; the youngest was still a toddler.
 
After he was diagnosed with cancer, and shortly after the doctors removed his right eye, John came to see me to draft his last will and testament. I was unaware of John’s illness when he first appeared in the waiting room. When John told me of his situation, although visibly nervous, he was in good spirits and as pleasant as I had remembered him at our high school graduation. When John left that day, I felt ashamed of myself. Before John came in for my legal guidance, I thought that I was having a “bad day.” Perspectives.
 
About two years later, I was in church with my young son, when things were, I thought, “pretty bad.” in my life. “Poor me, this custody battle really sucks,” I was thinking. “God give me strength,” I murmured. Just then, I looked ahead and saw John. I had heard that after a virtual miracle of remission, John was now in really bad shape and that he had come to the realization that he was likely going to die very soon. Throughout the mass, this wonderful and now frail-looking man was holding his youngest son over his shoulder. While bobbing his little head among the worshipers between us, the little guy seemed to look directly at me with deliberate intensity.  My eyes filled as I gave thanks. I said a prayer for John and his baby boy and I stopped complaining about my situation. That day, I could only imagine what it must have been like for John; knowing that he would never live long enough for his son to truly grow to know him, and vice-versa. My “problems” now seemed minuscule.

A few months later, at the packed funeral service, John’s young widow explained how two and a half years prior, her life took a turn she never expected. She found strength in her love for John and for the Lord and believed that she would never have made it without the constant support from family and friends.

Katie Larkin wrote a beautiful tribute for her husband’s funeral service: “A celebration of his life and love – “Close Enough to Perfect.”  She professed that John carried his cross with courage and dignity and his faith and love for God never wavered. Not once during his family’s very trying time did anyone ever hear him complain or ask, “Why me?” Right up to the end John maintained his good nature and sense of humor; always trying to put the people around him at ease. Now, as I write about John’s death more than a decade later, even people who hardly knew John, still speak of his strength and courage.

There is no doubt that you, too, know of people who have made a lasting impression because of hardships they have endured with dignity and grace, being an inspiration to others. By the time we leave our years of minority and become young adults, homeowners, husbands, wives and parents, we will have undoubtedly witnessed someone we know who has lost a family member, a friend, or school mates and acquaintances from “back in the day.” We may have already personally experienced one or more of such events first hand. Perhaps someone we know will become severely injured, blinded, crippled or worse. Every now and then, someone or some event will cause us to stop and think. John was one of those people.

Tips:
• Be on the look out for any opportunities that can give you pause to think, to reflect and to regroup.
• Count your blessings and give thanks.
• Things are not as bad as they may seem when you keep life in perspective.
• A Bible in the hand is worth two on the shelf.

It is a time to dig deep. You will find what you are made of if the motivation is strong enough. The love between parent and child can indeed be one of the most powerful human motivators. Most people would do anything for their children. You are stronger than you think. No matter how bad it seems, you need to focus on what you have – the gifts that have been bestowed upon you and how lucky that you are to even have a child. Stop and think about the people who long to have children but, due to medical or other reasons, cannot. Imagine the feelings of the parents who have had the traumatic experience of burying a child.  Regardless of one’s religious affiliation(s), belief or non-belief in God, or any Supreme being, regardless of one’s thoughts on the theory of evolution and of the spiritual world, the birth of a child is nothing short of a miracle.  A new born child is the ultimate gift to be nurtured, cared for, and cherished.

If you focus on what is most important today, in the years ahead, you will be able to look back and remember the special moments that you had with your children during all the chaos. What is most important is the quality of the relationship with your children and spending as much time with them as possible. Make the most of all the time you share with your children.  When times are tough, count your blessings and give thanks. It is a stop that you may need to take on the path to Big Rock. I did.
 
When you arise in the morning, give thanks for the morning light, for your life  and strength; give thanks for your life and the joy of living. If you see no reason  for giving thanks, the fault lies within yourself.

There’s an interesting article on DadsDivorce.com entitled The Ghost Dad Phenomenon written by Sarah Hampson of The Globe and Mail (click the link to read the article). It talks about the dads who disappear after divorce. They continue to send child support, but they’re physically absent from their children’s lives. They become “ghosts” to their children. As the years go by they become a hazily remembered presence imbued with equal parts of love, anger and confusion; but for their children the ache of their loss never goes away.

The big question is why? Sure there are abusive fathers and irresponsible fathers whose children are probably better off without them. But why do fathers who love their children disappear? If they love their children, how can they hurt them by abandoning them?

As a divorced dad explains in the article, “It’s about shame.” “In the world of masculinity,” writes Ms. Hampson, “you’re either a winner or a loser … It’s black and white. Divorce is seen as failure, ergo you’re a loser. Who wants to be reminded of that?”

Post-divorce conflicts over child support, parenting and visitation, coupled with spousal criticism, dating, remarriage or job relocation can strain a father’s relationship with his family to the breaking point.

“A man feels sadness,” explains Calvin Sandborn, author of Becoming the Kind Father.  ”But on some level he thinks, ‘I’m not supposed to feel sadness,’ so the way men react is to blame the person who is making them feel sad. They get angry. There’s an adrenalin rush. And that makes them feel powerful again.”

Many fathers who feel increasing anger at their marginalization in their children’s lives respond by leaving. Ill-equipped to deal with their emotions and unable to express them, they choose to avoid them. The pain of being repeatedly reminded of what they have lost, drives them away. They push away from the pain and anger caused by a situation they cannot control and in the process abandon the children they love.

Next time: A child’s response.