Divorce Without Dishonor

I stumbled upon a quote, while reading some other blogs, that may be of interest if you have children, especially young children, and you are going through a moderate to high-conflict divorce. Nearly 20 years ago a well known Canadian Jurist, The Honorable Justice John Gomery stated “Hatred is not an emotion that comes naturally to a child. It has to be taught. A parent who would teach a child to hate the other parent represents a grave and persistent danger to the mental and emotional health of that child.” The case that led to the above comment involved four children caught up in a heated custody battle between their parents whereby the children became “CATASTROPHICALLY” alienated from their mother. How does that happen?

When you think of young children, their innocence and their sponge-like quest for learning, it is no wonder that they are so affected by their parents’ anger and hostility. It’s one thing to say or do a few things that may not win you the good parenting seal during a contentious divorce, but it is quite another to deliberately poison and pollute a child’s mind. If only we could truly love our children more than we may dislike the other parent.

Most people would agree that children do not belong in adult conflicts. However, it happens all the time. It needs to stop. We as parents need to become aware of the damage that we can do to our children when we allow them to participate in the conflict of divorce. We also need to learn how to protect the children when the other parent just does not “get it.”

It may seem ironic coming from a divorce attorney, but if people spent only a fraction of their time and money otherwise wasted on the fight, in more pro-active and productive ways, their children would be so much better off. Moderate to high-conflict cases may be tempered and tamed if all concerned adopt a collaborative and therapeutic approach. Individual therapy, counseling, psychotherapy, mediation, family counseling and the like are better uses of time and money than litigation fees and practices. Read, learn, and educate yourself on divorce and parenting. Some of the best ways to shield your children from the pain of the divorce and “picking sides” or being “caught in the middle” involve improving yourself and to the extent possible, encouraging the other parent to do the same.

Our children will grow up one day and statistically speaking they have at least a fifty percent chance of divorcing their spouse. What will they remember from all they learned as children of separation and divorce? When it comes to teaching our children about the way people are supposed to get along, like charity and relationships, it begins at home.

Once you have brought your energy into the present moment, you can devote your attention to the new direction your life can now take. Grounded in your new truth, you can create your new future.

Regardless of what life brings us, we have the power of free will to choose which direction to take.  Do we choose the high road, using challenges like divorce to show us that we have the strength to heal ourselves and become more of who we are meant to be?  Or do we choose the low road, and choose to be a victim of life and other people’s choices. Until we decide to embrace the gift that is inherent in any challenge, we are letting it use us, rather than the other way around. 

When we trust our inner guidance, we know that when we find something isn’t right for us, we are being redirected toward something better. Your best self is worth the hard work of the high road, because you will feel empowered to deal with anything and know it can only make you stronger.

Forgiveness is one of the most powerful things you can do to heal from divorce, and it may also be one of the most difficult. But forgiveness is not just a one-way, or even a one-time thing.

It may seem obvious to forgive our exes, and it’s something we may have to do several times a day until our emotions allow us to put our energy entirely into the present. What is less obvious is that we often need to forgive ourselves. We need to remember that we did the best we could with what we knew at the time. Now that we know better, we can do better. And if children are involved, we can teach them what we’ve learned.

It can be just as powerful to ask for forgiveness. In private moments in communion with our spirits, we can ask forgiveness from anyone we feel might have been hurt or disappointed by our divorce—even God, or own bodies that have been put through the wringer with the stress. We are here for giving—forgiving is one of the life lessons we all need to be our best selves.

There is no way we can control the situations that life may bring us, but we can control how we respond to these situations. The power of choice is ours, and it allows us to see old events in a new way. 

Looking back at our old choices, we can make the new choice to interpret them in ways that empower us.  We can see where our choices may have been acting against our highest goals, and can make the choice to learn from them, and then choose to behave differently starting right now.  For example, we can choose to respond rather than react when old wounds or disagreements are brought up, and in making that choice, we take control in a whole new way and become the designers of our own new realities.

When it comes to choices involving child custody, this can be especially challenging, which is why our book about collaborative divorce, “STOP Fighting Over The Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations” was written. To find out more about the book, visit the STOP Fighting Over The Kids book website.

When going through a divorce, the desire to lay blame is strong, and of course, natural. But in order to learn and grow from the situation, and truly heal, we need to look inside of ourselves.  When we can ask ourselves what our contributions to the situation have been, then we’re ready to take an honest look at exactly how we participated in and co-created our divorce drama.  Then we’re ready to release our anger and move forward without dragging the past behind us.

By taking responsibility for our part in the situation, we can make peace with our past, and use it to improve our future.  Looking at the whole picture, we will hopefully see how we chose the perfect partner to teach us the perfect lessons for our highest growth. And if there are children involved, we will be able to see that when we are the best we can be, we can give them the parents they deserve.

Our book about collaborative divorce, “STOP Fighting Over The Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations” is available now, exclusively at Amazon.com. To find out more about the book and to sign up to receive a free chapter visit the STOP Fighting Over The Kids book website. 

We may look back on our path to divorce and see a progression of incidents and signs that alerted us that something deeper was happening. Some situations may have seemed random, but ultimately led to a confrontation we weren’t expecting.  The Law of Divine Guidance says that there is a higher power at work—one that pulls the strings of fate to help each of us grow to be our best selves.

When confrontation arises, our sense of pride (our ego) can keep us from seeing the full picture with clear eyes. Our egos will remain in charge until we step outside our righteous belief that we are independent and separate beings. As long as this myth is intact, we keep the door closed to our higher wisdom.

When we can get out of your own way and let go of our defenses, we become humble. Humility is the doorway through which the Divine can walk into our lives, and collaboration can become the new order of the day. 

Our book about collaborative divorce, “STOP Fighting Over The Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations” is available now, exclusively at Amazon.com. To find out more about the book and to sign up to receive a free chapter visit the STOP Fighting Over The Kids book website.

Many people think of divorce as a battle, and therefore the concept of SURRENDER may feel like one is giving up the fight, or giving up all hope. Sometimes that is exactly what is needed to get us past our minds, past our egos, and past our desire to control things.

The first place we need to surrender is in quiet time alone. We can turn to our higher power, and hand our control over to that infinite wisdom. Tension will begin to ease, and an underlying calm allows us to move more easily into our dealings with others.

Having already surrendered to the process, there is no need to go into battle. We can choose to look at divorce as an unknown journey that requires assistance from experts to navigate our way through it. Then we can surrender our attempts to have control over something we cannot possibly control. By partnering with people we trust to guide us through the terrain–people who will approach the situation in a way that is aligned with our ideals—we can rest assured that we will make it through in the best possible way.

Collaborative Divorce can help to shift the focus toward building something new that serves all involved.

You might find it ironic that a lawyer, specializing in laws of the land, would want to share information on spiritual laws. But there are many laws that govern us all, from state and federal to the laws of physics, and spiritual laws are no exception. Regardless of which religion you practice or beliefs you hold, there are certain general concepts that can help you through the painful emotional and legal process that is divorce.

By beginning with ACCEPTANCE, you can focus all of your energy on moving forward. Take a deep breath and rein in all the thoughts that are keeping you in the past. Be here now. Otherwise, you will be running in circles questioning, which can keep you stuck, moving neither forward nor backward. As Heraclitus said “We cannot step twice into the same stream,” meaning that life keeps moving forward, and once the moment has passed, you cannot go back. The best you can do is to learn from what was, and use that knowledge to improve your life as you move forward.

Constantly remind yourself that everything is as it should be; that nothing occurs by accident but rather is divinely designed so that each one of us can get exactly what we need to support our own unique evolutionary process.

No matter what our religious or spiritual beliefs, when going through difficult times like divorce, it can be helpful to turn to our deepest beliefs to help us get through and grow to be better, stronger individuals.  When we come from the best part ourselves, holding onto our highest ideals, we can use the painful experience of divorce to create gains from the loss. We can heal our wounds, and reclaim the wholeness of who we are. 

Instead of remaining mired in our anger or hurt, we can transcend our brokenness to see the truth of who we can be. If you find yourself in the midst of the pain right now, it may seem impossible to find that light at the end of the tunnel and keep it in sight. But if you can even allow yourself to believe that possibly the worst experience of your life can bring positive changes, it can be the beginning of those changes for you.

There are several spiritual laws that seem to be common to all beliefs that can help you find your way through the challenges you’re facing. They include: acceptance, surrender, trust and responsibility, choice, forgiveness and inspired creativity. Check back as we examine each as a way to cope with divorce, with integrity. 

To say that I was impressed and pleased at what you have created is indeed an understatement. I found the book easy to read and jam-packed with insights, information and guidance, the likes of which I have yet to see anywhere else. 

I have been practicing custody litigation for over 27 years and I am a Certified Family Law Specialist here in California (so certified by the California State Bar Board of Legal Specialization) and I have, quite literally, seen it all in this area, as I suspect you have as well. You have created a resource I plan on sending my clients to as often as possible. 

Your book should be required reading for anyone with children, whether divorce or custody litigation is looming in their future or not.  This is a valuable read for parents, period. 

It helps us to understand the depths of the emotions and consequences that our behavior as adults and parents in these difficult situations can have on our children and their children’s children, and so on, quite literally for generations to come. 

The resources you provide are clear and even-handed.  You have created a road map for successful parenting that should become a staple in every custody lawyer’s library and a recommended resource on every courthouse web site.  I will continue to use, refer to and recommend this invaluable resource and I look forward to being able to direct my clients and my colleagues to a website where they can buy this book. 

Thank you Mike for writing this book. I can see that it has a lot of “you” in it and your candor, wisdom and guidance has already helped me as a parent and as a custody lawyer. You should be very, very proud of this work.

Marshall E. Waller, Certified Family Law Specialist

Dr. Phil “Best of the Best” Child Custody Attorney