Divorce Without Dishonor

The National Academy of Sciences noted a global trend of in the number of households with fewer people, which correspond with higher divorce rates and increased consumption of water, energy and space. Between 1998 and 2002, divorces in the 12 countries studied—including United States, Brazil, Costa Rica, Mexico, South Africa, Greece and Cambodia—accounted for 7.4 million extra households.

Analysis of U.S. data for 2005 showed that divorced households used an extra 73 billion kilowatt-hours of electricity and 627 billion gallons of water compared with married households.

The researchers also compared married households in the United States with households that had weathered divorce and remarriage: The environmental footprint rose, then shrank back to that of married households. Other lifestyle trends that impact family living structures include the demise of multigenerational households, and people remaining single longer, the researchers concluded.

So if cohabitation with your ex doesn’t seem like a reasonable option, it may be worth considering sharing costs and resources with a parent, single friend, or similarly divorced family.

Collaborative divorce can set the groundwork for couples to find creative solutions to issues of property, living arrangements, and custody agreements. To find out more, contact a collaborative family lawyer. 

The disastrous economy is creating some unusual and thorny problems for divorcing couples. People who used to view their home as an asset worth fighting for, now see it as a financial liability. The question “Who gets the house?” has become a property settlement hot potato with neither side wanting to accept the financial burden of paying mortgage payments on the family home.

With property values still plummeting, many homeowners owe more on their mortgages than their homes are worth. Such negative home equity has forced some divorced couples to continue living together while they wait for their home to sell. Without money from the house sale, they can’t afford two separate households. A Boca Raton couple facing this problem has managed to live under the same roof as friends by focusing on their children and personal growth while they wait for the housing market to improve.

Collaborative divorce can set the groundwork for an amicable divorce that can allow couples to craft creative solutions to property settlement issues during these difficult economic times. To find out more, contact collaborative family lawyer Mike Mastracci in Baltimore, Maryland.

Did you read about the couple in rural Cambodia who took a literal approach to dividing their assets? At the termination of their 18-year marriage, the couple actually sawed their wooden house in half. The husband and his relatives removed every splinter of one half of the couple’s former two-room home. The wife’s half of the home gives new definition to the term “picture window.” Sitting on its stilt base, one complete side of the home is now open to the elements, providing a commanding view of the village.

It’s a unique, if extreme, solution to property division worthy of King Solomon. The division of property in modern American marriages is necessarily more complex. Arguments over pensions, retirement funds, her stuff, his stuff and our stuff can make property division an acrimonious and stressful process. But it doesn’t have to be.

Collaborative family law allows a couple, not the court, to control how they divide their property. By encouraging mature, cooperative, non-combative behavior and agreeing to avoid litigation, a couple, supported by attorneys dedicated to collaborative family law, can negotiate a mutually agreeable settlement outside of court.

If your marriage fails, it’s important to protect yourself. Have an attorney draw up legal separation documents which should be signed before you move out. When you do move out, follow these helpful tips:

• If you’re renting, take your name off the lease so you won’t be liable for the rent on two places.
• Remove your name from all utilities (cable, phone, trash, electric, gas, water, sewer) so you won’t be liable for bills that accrue after you move out.
• Open a post office box and sign a change of address form to have your mail delivered there. You don’t want your spouse checking your personal mail.
• Cancel or freeze all joint credit accounts. You and your spouse remain equally liable for any charges that accrue until your divorce is finalized. You should each obtain credit cards in your own name.
• Make a copy of addresses, phone numbers, account numbers, etc. for all financial records, including tax records for the past 6 years.

You’ll find more helpful tips in the latest free online issue of the Divorce Without Dishonor newsletter. If you’re not a subscriber, click here to subscribe today.

When you are convinced your marriage cannot be saved, before moving out or doing anything else, have legal separation documents drawn up by an attorney so you can best protect yourself in the upcoming trying and stressful times ahead.  Once those are completed and signed, if you are the one moving out, below is a tip sheet to help guide you through this next phase of your divorce:

•  If you are renting, have your name taken off the lease otherwise you may be held responsible for both the rent there and the rent in your new place.

•  Remove your name from all of the utilities (cable, phone, trash, electric, water, etc.) or you could be held responsible for them as well.

•   Forward your mail to a PO box, a close friend, or relative.  Don’t let your mail accumulate at your old residence.

•   Cancel or freeze all joint credit accounts because you are legally responsible for any debt that accrues.  Both of you should get separate credit cards.

•    Make sure to jot down all addresses, phone numbers, account numbers pertaining to things like mortgages, bank and credit card accounts, insurance policies, pensions, or any other financial arrangements you or your spouse might have or share.

•    Take with you a copy of all tax records of the last 6 years. 

•    List what is in the safety deposit boxes and take photos for your records.  Be sure to remove any personal items that are yours.

•    Pack up anything you own that you will want later or things you’ll need to set up housekeeping at your new place. This includes medication, clothes, shoes, pictures, family heirlooms, mementos, school and medical records, dishes, phones, cleaning supplies, your computer, office supplies, towels, bedding, sports gear, and outdoor equipment.  Remember that what you don’t take with you may not be accessible to you in the future.  If there is a disputed item, it is best to leave it there, take a photograph, and make a note that this is one you would like in the final settlement.

For some divorcing couples, their house is just a place to sleep at night. They have no emotional investment in their home or community and no children to uproot. For such couples it may be prudent to sell the home to give both parties the capital to start new lives in new locations. For other couples who are heavily invested in their neighborhoods, the family home may represent continuity and stability. Friends, neighbors, churches and schools can provide a powerful support network to help a divorcing family, particularly the children. Staying in the family home may provide necessary stability in your chidren’s lives.

When deciding whether or not to sell the family home, consider the following:

Reasons to sell

• mortgage payments are too high
• upkeep will require too much time and energy
• equity is needed to pay debts and finance new living arrangements for both parties
• too many bad memories, a psychological need to start fresh
• debt makes refinancing or buy-out impossible

Reasons not to sell

• provides needed stability for spouse and children
• moving would uproot children from school, activities and friends which provide them with a significant sense of security
• mortgage payments are affordable
• spouse has ability and resources to maintain the home
• assets are sufficiently diversified and not limited to home equity
• tax advantages

Unless your debt and finances simply don’t allow the option, you should carefully consider the stability staying the family home will provide your children, particularly if they are of school age. Divorce causes such massive upheaval in your children’s lives — upheaval over which they have no control — that the ability to remain in their home, in a familiar neighborhood where they know the people and places, in a familiar school with people they know and who know them, gives children a much-needed anchor in their lives. Studies have shown that children cope better with divorce when less of their world changes.

Making the decision about whether to keep or sell your home is often driven by finances. But if you and your spouse can work together for the sake of your children, you may be able to arrive at a compromise that allows your children the stability of remaining in the family home. If one spouse cannot buy out the other, consider deferring the sale until the children graduate from high school. There are always options; that’s what divorce without dishonor is all about.