Divorce Without Dishonor

When their parents divorce, children are caught in the middle. They suffer from problems and decisions not of their making. They often feel it is their fault their parents don’t want to be together any more. They fear their parents will no longer want them or love them. A collaborative divorce can ease their suffering, assure them of their parents’ love, help them adjust more quickly to the changes that are occurring in the family, and help them accept the reality of their new life. 

A collaborative divorce can give your children:

• The reassurance that both parents will continue to love and support them.
• The continued love and support of both extended families.
• The structure and consistency they need to grow and develop.
• A voice in their future and a way to share their views and feelings with you.
• The ability to accept and handle positively changing family structures and activities, including new relationships you and your spouse may have after divorce.
• The opportunity to obtain a good education with many opportunities to explore and develop their talents and interests.
• The ability to share life’s accomplishments and milestones with both parents.
• Happiness, peace and love.

Christmas is a time to celebrate our children. If you and your spouse have decided to end your marriage, a collaborative divorce will help you focus on your children and work together to address their needs. Parenting does not end when your marriage dissolves. Collaborative divorce will give you and your spouse the skills you need to continue to work together for the benefit of your children.

You won’t see these things on your children’s Christmas lists this year, but these are the things that children want and need from their parents not just on Christmas, but every day of the year. If you and your spouse are separated or are going through a divorce, it is particularly important to provide your children with these things to ally their fears and assure them that they are loved.

• Love. Tell your kids you love them every single day. They need to hear those very important words, I love you. Give your kids plenty of hugs; physical touch is comforting and reassuring.
• Time. Show your kids you love them by spending time with them: attend ball games, go to school programs, sit down for a chat, eat dinner as a family, play a game of catch, go for a walk together or cuddle up and read a story. Every day make sure you spend some time with your child when you can truly focusing on your child without distractions.
• Praise. Complement your child. Praise your child every chance you get. Tell him every day how proud you are of him.
• Self-confidence. Build your child’s self-confidence by showing him you have confidence in his abilities. If you show him you believe he can do something, he’ll believe it too.
• Limits. Children need to learn what is acceptable behavior and what isn’t. Show them the limits and set age-appropriate consequences. Limits make children feel safe. Children learn to set internal limits for themselves by having external limits set for them by their parents.
• Consequences. One of the greatest thing you can teach your child is that his actions will always have consequences. Consequences teach children to take responsibility for their actions.
• Consistency. Consistency builds trust. Children feel safe when they know what is going to happen. If you promise your child you’ll do something together, make sure you follow through. Show your child he is important to you.
• Friends. Children need friends their own age who share their interests. Understand and promote this healthy need by participating in activities where your child can make friends.

Given his less than responsible past behavior, who’d have thought Kevin Federline would become the poster boy for good parenting. But it seems that fatherhood has changed former playboy K-Fed. Details magazine recently named Britney Spears’ famous ex one of its 50 Most Influential Men Under 45. Federline, 29, is listed alongside Larry Birkhead in slot #7  as a Good Father.

In making the announcement, Details editor-in-chief Dan Peres said, “Here is a person who people think of as this universal joke who has oddly emerged as father of the year.” You might argue that anyone would look good next to Britney Spears’ abysmal parenting skills, but maybe we ought to cut the man some slack. Federline, a father of four, seems to be sincere in his efforts to take good care of his children. “To be a father is everything. It shows me how little I am,” he told the magazine.

The point I want to make here has nothing to do with the parenting skills of two of Hollywood’s most gossiped about celebrities. But their situation should make us think about our erroneous gender expectations when it comes to parenting. When a couple divorces it is too often assumed that the children, particularly young children, will be better off in their mother’s primary custody. Mothers are perceived as more nurturing, more loving, better able to care for their children’s needs. In court, dads often get the short shrift. Even in shared custody, a dad’s time with his kids is often relegated to weekends and a few holidays a year.

I know plenty of men who, despite their own longing for their children,  accept this stereotype. It’s so ingrained in our society, dads doubt themselves and think it must be true that the kids will be better off with mom. I also know plenty of women, particularly career women, who love their children but find round-the-clock mothering personally smothering. Since both parents usually work after divorce, the stay-at-home mom scenario is a thing of the past. If the kids are in school and day care during work hours, why should it necessarily be the mom who picks them up and takes them home each night.

Fathers can be as nurturing as mothers. Primary custody be decided based on which parent has the ability and desire to care for the children, as well as the emotional and financial stability to provide for their daily needs. If you are getting divorced and must make decisions about the custody and care of your children, I urge you to be honest with each other and yourself. Don’t base your decisions on erroneous social beliefs, on what you think you ought to do or what other people will think. The only thing that is important is how you individually and together can provide the best possible care for your children. I believe that fathers are as equally qualified and suited as mothers to take the lead in caring for their children.

Children love to play games. Games can help children understand difficult concepts and talk about things that bother them. Earthquake in Zipland is a new computer game on the market designed to help children understand, talk about and cope with their parents’ divorce or separation.

Brought to my attention and recommended by colleague Rosalind Sedacca, Earthquake in Zipland is an interactive computer adventure game designed as a quest. The game is earning the praise of counselors and other professionals who work with children coping with divorce. Fun, challenging, creative and attractively designed, it’s a game you and your children can enjoy playing together or that your child can play by himself. 

Rosalind and I give Earthquake in Zipland our highest recommendation. Geared for children 7 to 12, the game can help children coping with divorce:

• identify and cope with situations that parallel those they are struggling with in their own lives; 
• distance themselves from personal experiences and approach feelings they tend to ignore such as anger, helplessness, blame, shame and loneliness;
• cope with both the separation and fantasy of bringing their parents back together;
• express painful feelings they have not been able to talk about; and
• learn to open up about their feelings in a non-threatening environment

Earthquake in Zipland may be the tool you’ve been looking for to help your children talk with you about the divorce and cope with their feelings. For more information on Earthquake in Zipland and to order, click the link.

The holidays can be particularly stressful for families coping with divorce. Of necessity, traditions, activities and gatherings change with divorce. Some things the family did as a unit may no longer include both parents or may no longer be financially feasible. New traditions may need to replace the old. The desire to share holidays with both sides of the family can add even more stress. A sense of loss and sadness often colors the last holiday before a divorce and the first few holidays immediately after. Our fantasy of the “perfect” holiday seems even more unobtainable during divorce.

That, of course, is the key to managing holidays during divorce. You must realize that no holiday is “perfect,” that the reality can never live up to the fantasy. There is no one “right” way to celebrate the holidays. If you want to have a pleasant holiday, decide what is truly important to you and your family and concentrate on those things.

Here are a few tips that can help you minimize stress during the holidays:

• Realize that you are not alone. More than half the marriages in America end in divorce.
• Take care of yourself. In order to relax and enjoy the holidays, you need to address your personal needs. Go for a walk, get a massage, visit the gym — do whatever makes you feel better about you.
• Live in the now. It is important to put your divorce behind you so you can move on. Try not to focus on what’s missing in your holiday, but on what is there.
• Put your divorce on hold for the holidays. Try not to make major decisions related to the divorce, watch your budget and don’t make any large financial commitments, try not to dwell on the divorce or fight with your spouse. Try to focus on the joy of the holidays and make this a happy time for your children.
• Have fun. Do things that make you laugh and smile. Spend time with family and friends. Build some good memories with your children.

“There are no absolutes in raising children. In any stressful situation, fathering is always a roll of the dice. The game may be messy, but I have never found one with more rewards and joys,” says comedian Bill Cosby, a father of five.

In anything decision they make or action they take in parenting their children, parents have a 50% chance of being right. Here are some important things a father needs to know about parenting:

• Fathers are one voice. Fathers are only one of many influences in their child’s life. Mothers, grandparents, teachers, siblings, friends, musical lyrics, video games, television and movies all vie for a child’s attention. Fathers may be only one voice among many, but they are an important and influential voice.
• Parenting is ever-changing. The demands of fatherhood are different at different ages. As a child moves through life from infancy to adulthood, his emotional, social and psychological needs change. Parenting must change with the child to meet the needs of the moment.
• Children are different. Each child is unique. Parenting techniques that worked effectively for your first child may not work with his brother or sister. To be effective, parenting must change not only with the child’s age but with his unique personality, interests and abilities.
• Freedom is challenging. One of the greatest challenges for parents, and particularly fathers, is determining when they’re ready and how much freedom to give your child. The ability to act responsibly on their own varies greatly with age and from child to child. Children need to learn to take risks and act on their own, but within limits that will protect them. You need to cut the apron strings, but you also need to hold the safety net. It’s a balancing act in which fathers play a major role.

In America we are approaching a time when 50% of our children will live without a father in the house. Many of these children will see their father infrequently, if at all. Many will grow up without experiencing a father’s daily love. Sons will grow up without a father to show them how to become a man. Daughters will grow up without knowing a man’s love. Without a father to model and interact with, children will not learn how to be a father, what a man should bring to a relationship with a woman, or what a husband should bring to a marriage. An important part of their development will be missing.

Traditionally, the role of the man in the family is to be the provider, the bread-winner, the worker. Today, the father’s role in the family is changing. Just as mothers share economic responsibilities to the family, fathers share in the nurturing of their children. Fathers teach their children about life, serve as a moral model, and provide a model for adult relationships between men and women. Fathers have important life lessons to impart to their children. Many sociologists and psychologists say that it is important, even essential, to a child’s successful development within society that children have the opportunity to learn these lessons from their fathers.

A divorced mother herself, therapist Rosalind Sedacca, has created an excellent new website, Child-Centered Divorce, that I can highly recommend. Built on her own struggles guiding her children through divorce, Sedacca has created a website that can be a valuable resource for parents striving to help their children cope with divorce.

The goal of the website is to provide parents with a support network that addresses the problems parents face with their children during divorce. Articles address the issues concerning the emotional health and welfare of children going through divorce. Parents will find the articles engagingly written and particularly useful. In each article parents will find new understandings and helpful tips they can apply to their own circumstances.

Sedacca shares her highly qualified experience in regular articles on the website and also draws on the knowledge and experience of a variety of experts. Some recent topics include:

• Magical Thinking: When Children of Divorce Blame Themselves
• Children’s Emotional Needs During Divorce and Beyond
• When Children of Divorce Act Out — Caring Parents Step Up!
• Child-Centered Divorce Secrets

Child-Centered Divorce was created this summer by Rosalind Sedacca, a Certified Corporate Trainer, author, national speaker and workshop facilitator. She is the author of the helpful  new book How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children - with Love! (see our October 29 post for a review).

Having the "divorce talk" with their children is one of hardest things a parent has to do when they decide to divorce. In our last post we talked about some of the important messages you need to give your children. But how you talk to your children is equally important.

Most families move through the day at breakneck speed. In the morning everyone is rushing about to brush teeth, grab breakfast, pack lunches, let the dog out, find homework and get out the door to work and school. After school it’s another rush from soccer practice to piano lesson to gymnastics to scouts; the carpool dash often running well past the dinner hour. The evening is filled with homework, dishes, laundry, baths, storytime and — finally — bed. And the next morning it starts all over again!

It’s not too surprising then that we rarely seem to have time for quiet conversations with our children. "Too often busy parents find themselves talking at their children, but not to them. And most especially, not with them," says therapist Rosalind Sedacca in a post on the website Child-Centered Divorce. (Click the link to read her article.)

In any family setting this can be a challenge, but when your family is struggling through a divorce, the ability to talk to and with your children is essential. Here are some important things to remember when you talk to your children about your divorce:

• Be age appropriate. A younger child needs, and can handle, a much less detailed and involved explanation than a teen.
• Be honest. You child needs to know he can trust you and what you tell him. If you don’t know the answer to his question, tell him so.
• Take time. Don’t rush when your child has questions or wants to talk. Stop what you’re doing and sit down together. If you can, talk to your child immediately. Often children’s questions are short, and they may forget what they want to ask or say if they have to wait. If you really can’t make time at that moment, set a time later in the day to talk and make sure you don’t forget.
• Listen. Really listen to what your child is asking or has to say. Don’t jump in with what you think he wants to know or what you want to tell him. Let him speak and make an effort to respond to what he says. Allow your child to express his fears and opinions. He needs to know it’s OK to talk to you about these things.
• Don’t insult, criticize or make negative remarks about your spouse. You and your spouse will always be your child’s parents, and your child needs the love and support of both his parents. Your child will cope with your divorce more successfully if you shield him from the adult issues involved.

Unsure of how to start a dialog with your child: Sedacca has some excellent advice: "Share some of your own feelings and experiences with life

Telling your children you’ve decided to get divorced is a difficult task. It’s hard to find the right words to say and even harder not to let your own anger, hurt,  fear and disappointment color your words. But how you tell your children that mom and dad won’t be living together anymore can make a significant difference in their own ability to accept and adjust to the divorce.

How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children - with Love! is an innovative aid developed to help parents talk to their children about divorce. Developed by therapist Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, after divorce forced her to have this conversation with her own children, the book guides parents in creating a personalized photo album-style book to use when they talk to their children about their divorce.

Fill-in-the-blank templates for creating a personalized story with age-appropriate text are provided with Sedacca’s informative book for parents, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? The book answers parents’ questions and helps them find the appropriate words to say to their children.

Sedacca says the six essential messages you must give your children when you tell them you are getting divorced are:

1. You are, and always will be, loved by Mom and Dad.
2. You are, and will continue to be, safe.
3. You are not to blame for any of this.
4. Mom and Dad will still always be your Mom and Dad.
5. This is about change, not about blame.
6. Everything is going to be okay.

How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? is a valuable guidebook for parents. This book will help you find the right words to use when talking to your children about your divorce. I recommend it. For more information on How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? by Rosalind Sedacca and the companion Create-a-Story guide, click here.