Divorce Without Dishonor

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

I have several divorced friends and colleagues with teenagers who are displaying disturbing behavior problems. These teens, especially the boys, are acting out in all the ways parents pray they never have to experience: drugs, hanging with the wrong crowd, school problems, disrespectful and inconsiderate behavior — you get the idea.

While each of these teens have parents who are divorced, there’s more to it than just that. Their biological fathers are not playing a strong role in their lives. And their mothers do not have a positive relationship with their “wasband.”

Does this mean that all children of divorce whose fathers are not actively in their lives will grow up to be troubled teens? Of course not. But there is a strong correlation between a father’s influence and a child’s – especially a son’s — sense of positive self-esteem and responsible behavior.

We all know it’s tough to be a teen. The challenges are enormous and the influences toward negative and anti-social behaviors are substantial within our culture. When you add the absence of a strong father figure to the mix, many young men just can’t overcome the lack of emotional support in their lives. They are more vulnerable to the temptations of acting out and going astray.

Co-parenting after divorce is never easy, nor are there simple answers for creating a smooth transition post-divorce into the parenting arena. However there are pitfalls we can all strive to avoid and warning signs that lead to potential problems that every divorced parent should keep in mind.

Dads: Stay in your kids’ lives as a parent, not a playmate. Take responsibility for talking to your teens on a regular basis about key issues, especially what it means to be a responsible young adult, how to treat parents, teachers and siblings respectfully and goals to aspire toward for a successful future.

Moms: Honor your teen’s relationship with their biological Dad – even if a Step-Father or other male relationship partners are in the picture. Let their Dad actively parent them and be a model for healthy, responsible behavior. Don’t be a wedge between father and son/daughter or put down their father in their presence. You are laying the foundation for bringing into society a young adult who matures with compassion for others and high self-esteem.

Parents: The key to parenting successfully after a divorce is maturity. Make decisions about your sons and daughters from the place of a caring, loving parent, not a vengeful former spouse. Don’t take out your frustrations with your ex on your children. Overlook the minor and petty annoyances and focus on the big picture — raising confident, empathic, considerate and loving children.

When an issue comes along that pushes your buttons, ask yourself this question: How would I respond to this parenting dilemma if I wasn’t divorced? Then focus on the right answer for the well-being of your children … as a parent – not just a divorced parent.

The rewards you derive in the years to come will more than offset the frustrations and inconveniences that inevitably are part of post-divorce co-parenting. Aren’t your children worth it?

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce, coaching services or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com

I am glad you asked says your host and creator of the Divorce Without Dishonor Blog. About 14 years ago I sat through my first court-ordered divorce education workshop, sometimes referred to as co-parenting classes or other similar benign titles. The purpose of such programs is really to help parents to avoid contested child custody litigation by providing some information, resources and techniques to lessen or avoid parental conflict during these times of family turmoil. They are for individuals and families raising children between two homes.

Those who take this responsibility seriously can improve their parenting skills and make healthy choices regarding their children during times when it is easy to have clouded judgment. I have been to many such programs in the last 14 years that have been offered from many different groups from huge international groups such as Divorce Care to different county programs offered through the Family Services units various courts, to online programs through such organizations as Child Sharing.com.

Overall, you will find that the people who run these programs are extremely knowledgeable, very sincere and dedicated individuals who truly want to help you, and especially your children. However, they are often limited by many rules and guidelines and they have people to answer to. There are often a few layers of bureaucracy to wade through to get things done including financial constraints and budget issues. Of course everyone must always speak with political correctness and they are not permitted to answer any specific questions pertaining to the facts of your pending case. Court run programs will not permit both sides to attend the same classes and they are usually limited to two sessions of about 2-3 hours duration. While they cover a lot of ground, these programs largely are only able to scratch the surface given these limitations and there is little time to go into depth on any given topic. Question and answer sessions are minimal and limited as there is a set timed agenda to follow. Again, I applaud the dedicated people who work so hard and do such great work in helping litigants to think like parents before acting like litigants.

In my case, despite all the efforts of many people who tried to help end the nonsense, my son’s mother and I embarked on an all out full-scale custody battle that lasted for several years. To say it was hell and a life-changing event is a vast understatement.  I called it parental warfare and oh, the stories I could tell you! You see, being an attorney myself and being familiar with judges, lawyers and the court system, I knew how bad I could get screwed and it scared the hell out of me. Unfortunately, most lay people who are not extremely knowledgeable about the family law court system do not know how bad it can be and how much damage can be done until it is too late. Once you go too far down the litigation path, it is hard to retreat to normalcy.

For years I have thought, “What if these programs were taken to the next level?” What could be added to improve these programs and eliminate the roadblocks? At the extreme, I envisioned a cross between Dr. Phil and Jerry Springer replete with in-depth discussions, audience participation, guest presenters, ongoing meetings and online and other support group mechanisms. People need to hear the reality of what a contested custody battle can be like and they need to be able to openly and honestly be able to discuss it with people who will tell it like it is.

What if we didn’t have to deal with all the red tape and political correctness? What if we could break into small cohesive groups and get to the root of the problems and learn from the experiences of each other. Is all for one and one for all to cliché? What if the agenda for the evening could be partly designed by the participants?

What if all of the great books, programs and resources that have been relied on by others were shared and discussed so that participants could know where to turn to address their particular needs before having to obtain their own devastating personal experience first? For years these things have been running rampant in my mind and I am ready to take action. Are you? www.DivorceWihtoutDishonor.com/Boot-Camp

By Mike Mastracci.

For divorced or separated parents the holidays are often more stressful than they are for those who do not have child access and visitation issues to manage. While the following tips and considerations can apply throughout the year, the holidays are a great time to improve your co-parenting relationship. No matter what holidays you celebrate, consider helping your child to pick out an appropriate card or gift to give to the other parent. In doing so, you will be showing your child that you recognize and respect their relationship with the other parent and you also teach and encourage them that it is okay to discuss the other parent in a positive light in your presence. If the other parent comes to learn that you assisted, encouraged or approved of your child getting him or her a gift it might go a long way for future interaction. Truly, it is the thought that counts. Imagine your surprise when you receive a gift the next holiday that was encouraged by your ex. It is a goodwill builder for sure and sends nothing but positive messages to your children.

If you have been harboring a lot of anger and animosity toward your ex throughout the year consider digging deep and forgiving your ex and yourself for the “transgressions” you have been dealt, as well as the ones that stem from your own shortcomings (not that you have any) or bad acts. Many people believe that the opposite of love is hate. It is indifference, not hate. Hate and anger generally only hurt you. In the context of a bitter separation or divorce it is easy to forget about the concept of forgiveness. If your co-parenting relationship sucks and interferes with the way that the two of you raise your children, you need to lose the anger, or at least regroup and channel it proactively.

During the holiday season try extra hard to limit the parental aggravation that you may otherwise generally experience when dealing with your ex. For example, sharing transportation in a fair and equitable fashion for the holidays might just be a gesture that could come back ten fold. All too often one parent does the overwhelming majority of the driving to pick up or drop off the children. (Why that is could be a topic of discussion and debate another day.) If you have had such issues in the past, call it truce time, for the sake of your children. Make substantial efforts to iron out all schedule adjustments well in advance and confirm each other’s understanding by email or letter so that there are no last minute problems; and be flexible. Squabbling over who got what holiday for what time period last year and the like is a waste of energy. Live in the here and now and remember that what goes around does indeed come back around, both good and bad. This year when it comes to separated and divorced parenting during the holidays, if given a chance to be naughty or nice, try the latter. Happy Holidays!

[Editor Note: Please note that the information in this post is of a nature that applies for low to moderate-conflict cases as opposed to an unsettled high-conflict case.]

By Rosalind Sedacca

Thanksgiving, Christmas – most any holiday — can bring up painful memories of happier times, especially if you are divorced and have children. But keep in mind that with the pain comes a choice. You can choose to acknowledge the past for what it was. You can value the good times you might have had together. Then you can choose to move on and let go.

If you don’t, you will likely get stuck tormenting yourself with the “shoulds.”  We should still be a family today. He should be ashamed of what he’s doing to us. She shouldn’t be able to have the kids on Christmas Day. I should be over this by now. It should be easier for me to move on – but it isn’t. You get the idea.

Use this holiday season as a marker for starting a new mindset for yourself. You are creating a future that will be as positive for you as you allow it to be. Close the door to what was so you can open the door to brighter tomorrows – for yourself and your children. This holiday season and the ones to come can be weeks of great celebration for you if you start planting the seeds in your mind today.

Here are some useful tips for creating a positive mindset for the holidays.

Be your own best friend:

Divorce and its related stressors can take its toll on your self-esteem. It’s easy to start falling into cycles of despair, fear, anxiety and depression fueled by messages such as “who’s going to want me now?” or “how can I cope with all this pressure in my life?” This can certainly compound over the holidays, which add another layer of stress to family life. Use this time to celebrate you and starting a new chapter in your life. Look ahead to reinventing yourself in ways you’ve always wanted – and acknowledging yourself for assets you have that can be further explored. Take time to laugh and indulge in some holiday spirit. It’s good medicine for you and the children you love.

Focus on lifting the spirits of others:

Gratitude is a mindset that reminds us of our blessings. Do you have a loving relationship with your children? Do you have your health, a roof over your head, the income to purchase a few holiday gifts? Many people are not so fortunate. Be grateful for your blessings, share a smile or kind gesture with others, volunteer for the less fortunate and you will be rewarded in ways you never expected – physically, emotionally and spiritually!

Integrate – don’t isolate:

Take advantage of this social season to circulate and re-connect with family and friends. Plan some small gatherings with those you care about and accept a few invitations to get out and meet other people. Limit your “pity party” time to an hour or two. Then pick yourself up and get back into life. You’ll be surprised by the support systems available to you. You will also find that you are not alone in the post-divorce emotions and challenges you are experiencing. Be receptive to help and it will come to you.

Initiate New Holiday Traditions:

Remembering holiday traditions of the past can set you into a downward cycle and negatively affect your children, as well. This is the time to develop new ways of celebrating the holidays that you and your children can cherish and enjoy together. Perhaps it’s a special trip, celebrating with new friends and neighbors, attending special holiday events in your community or place of worship. Encourage your co-parent to do the same when the kids are with them, so that they have something to look forward to in each home.

Use this time of the year as the emotional starting point for bringing into focus the “you” you’ve always wanted to be. Visualize the future you desire. Make commitments to positive changes in your thoughts, habits and actions. By doing this, every year to come around holiday time you will be re-energized with positive appreciation rather than brought down by sadness and despair. The choice is yours. Embrace this season as the start of wonderful things to come and you’ll have much to celebrate in your future!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!   For more information, free articles on child-centered divorce and her free ezine, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

By Michael A. Mastracci

If you are separated or divorced and have children stuck in the middle of parental discord, the Holidays often take on special significance in many respects.  Transitioning the children from one house to the other and dividing up time not only between the parties but also involving extended family members, relatives and friends make scheduling all the more difficult. If you and the other parent have a tendency to disagree about things such as the day of the week, the time, the weather, whose fault everything is and the like, you may not look forward to yet another holiday season. For purposes of the following comments and tips we will limit the discussion to the Thanksgiving holiday. Just like co-parenting through separation and divorce, holiday cheer is dealt one day at a time.

I recently came across a good article on the Ohio Family Law Blog written by attorney Anne Shale of the law firm Holzfaster, Cecil, McKnight and Mues, LPA regarding some useful tips on the nuts and bolts of handling the Christmas holiday season. The real short version includes tips like plan ahead, look to and review the controlling agreement or court order if one exists and to attempt to commit to a written schedule as soon as possible if there is no such writing memorializing how the children’s time is to be divided for each upcoming holiday. Often easier said than done, but proper planning and even some sacrificing here and there can go a long way. Whatever the schedule is, grandparents and extended families will have to adjust accordingly to fit your schedule, as the other parent may not care to accommodate too many variables, right?

When trying to plan, first and foremost remember that it is the children’s time that is being allocated for, not yours. Keep it all child focused. Also, while we like to remember the Pilgrims and all we have to be thankful for, when push comes to shove, in our time sharing  context, it is one frickin meal on one Thursday of the year. Don’t make more out of it than need be. When it comes to Thanksgiving and many scheduled holidays there is often a choice to be made, and hopefully agreed upon, as to whether to split or divide the Holiday or alternate from year to year. In a day/night split the child spends a portion of Thanksgiving with each parent which means juggling two dinner times, family gatherings, travel etc. Also, do the children really need two huge meals back-to-back or even during the same day? Remember, as far as the kids go, they really don’t care if you celebrate Thanksgiving on Wednesday with one parent and on Thursday with the other. Should it really matter that much to you if it works for your children?

Whatever works best for the children and all concerned is what counts. A few possibilities for a smooth and Happy Thanksgiving are to go with the even-odd year approach. First define and delineate the parameters of the Holiday. Your Thanksgiving could be defined as beginning Wednesday evening at 8:00 p.m. until Friday after Thanksgiving at noon, or perhaps from Thanksgiving Day at noon until 10:00 p.m. Thanksgiving night. It really doesn’t matter as long as it is clear and practical and includes facts like who picks up, drops off and otherwise transports the children. A system of whoever has the children takes them to the other parent works well in most cases. Once properly defined, the holiday can be memorialized by a document stating that, for example, in 2009 and all odd numbered years the children will spend Thanksgiving (as defined above) with Mom and in 2010 and all even years the children shall spend Thanksgiving with Dad.

If you think you want to divide the day in half in some fashion you might want to give thought to not doing that if it is an unnecessary hassle for the children and if heightened parental acrimony is afoot. It is perhaps better to have one good “all you and the kids” to plan for type of Thanksgiving every other year than to deal with two back-to-back problematic turkey days.

No matter what you and the other parent decide, remember that these days should be examples for giving thanks and celebration and not fighting and bickering; your child will be watching and learning the lessons that you instill in them during these delicate times. Some day they too may be raising your grandchildren under similar circumstances.

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Editor Note: Stop Fighting Over the Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations has sample parenting plans that include reasonable holiday divisions to help alleviate the strain associated with divorce, child-custody, and separation. It is important to note that the holidays require effective pre-planning to help ensure they work smoothly for the children. Sometimes it may require mediation, collaboration, or legal process to modify or implement an effective parenting plan that includes the holiday plans.

By Michael A. Mastracci.

In a recent blog search I stumbled upon a quote that may be of interest if you have children, especially young children, and you are going through a moderate to high- conflict divorce. Nearly 20 years ago a well known Canadian jurist, the Honorable Justice John Gomery stated, “Hatred is not an emotion that comes naturally to a child. It has to be taught. A parent who would teach a child to hate the other parent represents a grave and persistent danger to the mental and emotional health of that child.” The case that led to the above comment involved four children caught up in a heated custody battle between their parents whereby the children became “catastrophically” alienated from their mother. How does that happen?

When you think of young children, their innocence and their sponge-like quest for learning, it is no wonder that they are so affected by their parents’ anger and hostility especially when directed against their other parent. It’s one thing to say or do a few things that may not win you the Good Parenting Seal during a contentious divorce, but it is quite another to deliberately poison and pollute a child’s mind. If only we could truly love our children more than we may dislike the other parent.

Most people would agree that children do not belong in adult conflicts. However, it happens all the time and it needs to stop. We as parents need to become aware of the damage that we can do to our children when we allow them to participate in the intense conflict of divorce. We also need to learn how to protect the children when the other parent just does not “get it.”

It may seem ironic coming from a divorce attorney, but if people spent only a fraction of their time and money otherwise wasted on the fight in more pro-active and productive ways their children would be so much better off. Moderate to high conflict cases may be tempered and tamed if all concerned adopt a collaborative and therapeutic approach or at least knew about the alternatives. Individual Therapy, counseling, psychotherapy, meds, mediation, family counseling and the like are better uses of time and money than litigation fees and practices. Read, learn and educate yourself on the different aspects of divorce and more importantly do the same with parenting. Some of the best ways to shield your children from the pain of the divorce and “picking sides” or being “caught in the middle” involve improving yourself and to the extent possible, encouraging the other parent to do the same.

Our children will grow up one day and statistically speaking they have at least a fifty percent chance of divorcing their spouse. What will they remember from all they learned as children of separation and divorce? When it comes to teaching our children about the way people are supposed to get along, like charity, it begins at home.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

I have several divorced friends and colleagues with teenagers who are displaying disturbing behavior problems. These teens, especially the boys, are acting out in all the ways parents pray they never have to experience: drugs, hanging with the wrong crowd, school problems, disrespectful and inconsiderate behavior — you get the idea.

While each of these teens have parents who are divorced, there’s more to it than just that. Their biological fathers are not playing a strong role in their lives. And their mothers do not have a positive relationship with their “wasband.”

Does this mean that all children of divorce whose fathers are not actively in their lives will grow up to be troubled teens? Of course not. But there is a strong correlation between a father’s influence and a child’s – especially a son’s — sense of positive self-esteem and responsible behavior.

We all know it’s tough to be a teen. The challenges are enormous and the influences toward negative and anti-social behaviors are substantial within our culture. When you add the absence of a strong father figure to the mix, many young men just can’t overcome the lack of emotional support in their lives. They are more vulnerable to the temptations of acting out and going astray.

Co-parenting after divorce is never easy, nor are there simple answers for creating a smooth transition post-divorce into the parenting arena. However there are pitfalls we can all strive to avoid and warning signs that lead to potential problems that every divorced parent should keep in mind.

Dads: Stay in your kids’ lives as a parent, not a playmate. Take responsibility for talking to your teens on a regular basis about key issues, especially what it means to be a responsible young adult, how to treat parents, teachers and siblings respectfully and goals to aspire toward for a successful future.

Moms: Honor your teen’s relationship with their biological Dad – even if a Step-Father or other male relationship partners are in the picture. Let their Dad actively parent them and be a model for healthy, responsible behavior. Don’t be a wedge between father and son/daughter or put down their father in their presence. You are laying the foundation for bringing into society a young adult who matures with compassion for others and high self-esteem.

Parents: The key to parenting successfully after a divorce is maturity. Make decisions about your sons and daughters from the place of a caring, loving parent, not a vengeful former spouse. Don’t take out your frustrations with your ex on your children. Overlook the minor and petty annoyances and focus on the big picture — raising confident, empathic, considerate and loving children.

When an issue comes along that pushes your buttons, ask yourself this question: How would I respond to this parenting dilemma if I wasn’t divorced? Then focus on the right answer for the well-being of your children … as a parent – not just a divorced parent.

The rewards you derive in the years to come will more than offset the frustrations and inconveniences that inevitably are part of post-divorce co-parenting. Aren’t your children worth it?

*     *     *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources  on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com

© 2009 All rights reserved.

By Mike Mastracci

“Whether one looks at deception from the child’s perspective of “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” or whether viewed as a serious, straightforward moral or religious tenant such as “Thou shalt not lie,” the truth is often hard to uncover; so too are lies. In a child custody case, when the truth is expected to come from the witness stand, under oath where one is sworn to “tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth,” veracity can be especially evasive, misinterpreted, or worse.”

Often the practice of law has little to do with the truth and everything to do with the perception of truth. When it comes to child custody disputes this is fait accompli. Often though, in child custody cases too much emphasis is actually placed on discerning the truth of inconsequential parental allegations and defenses. Whether one or the other parents was fired for stealing from their former employer before the child at issue was born, for example, may still seem very damaging to his or her credibility, especially if they get caught lying about it, but this type of coup will not win a custody battle.

All too often, dueling parents overlook the fact that it is how and to what degree that things affect their children that impacts the most upon a judge’s decision in awarding custody. Child custody litigants are often frustrated when the other side has clearly been caught in certain lies and the judge seems to overlook or ignore them. Indeed, some categories of lies will never likely determine the final outcome of a highly contested child custody case; often many prevarications from the witness stand really do not matter. However, there are certain kinds of falsehoods that not only damage one’s case, but most certainly negatively impact children of separated or divorcing parents; they are lies to, about, from, and involving the children.

Often in contested custody cases, parents and children are required to be “evaluated” and reports are made and submitted to the court. One of the more difficult and potentially damaging areas of child custody litigation occurs when the case involves mental health evaluations and clinical interviews. These evaluations and clinical interviews can take on many forms and serve a variety of purposes for the finder of fact. When child custody litigants and their children are required to submit to court ordered evaluations a whole new quagmire of complex problems can result.

It is in this context that lies can have a significant impact. An evaluator may be called as a witness to testify as to their “findings” and their opinions based on information they have obtained from the parties or their respective allies and the children at issue. Evaluators and mental health providers may also be called upon to opine on relevant hypothetical questions from the attorneys or the presiding judge. When the findings and opinions of the “experts” are flawed because of false information, the rules of reason and logic may lead to the wrong conclusions. Remember, it is the judge, who is supposed to sift through all the conflicting testimony and weigh all the factors as to what is ultimately his or her “best guess” as to what is in the child’s best interests. When the truth goes undetected in these situations in particular, a great deal of damage can be done. When information used by court appointed evaluators is obtained from, or intentionally omitted by, parents and children who do not tell the truth the child’s best interests may not truly be served. The problem is compounded in clinical custody evaluations when the parents deliberately lie or misinform the evaluators. Unfortunately, this is a common problem.

There is a well-known negative impact on children exposed to such parental conflict and deception. Typically children are struggling with loyalty conflicts when dealing with divorce and the last thing they need is to be involved in some deceptive practice by one of the parents where the child is required to demonstrate greater loyalty to one parent over the other.

When lies involve the perceptions of those caught in the middle, or when parents place their children in the throws of their own deceptive practices, making the correct decision becomes a more difficult task for the trier of fact. When parents lie and involve their children, they usually do so at the expense of their children’s psychological well-being.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Communication with our children is always important, but never as essential as when they are touched by separation or divorce. Children are vulnerable and easily frightened by changes in their routines. The more you talk to and comfort them, the less stress and anxiety they’ll experience. This is the time to reassure your children that you are taking care of matters and everyone in the family will be okay. Then, of course, take responsibility for doing what needs to be done to assure their well-being.

Here are five important ways you can help your children to thrive during and after your divorce.

1. Strive to keep as much normalcy in your children’s lives as is feasible. Maintaining relationships with friends and neighbors provides a sense of stability and continuity. Keeping children in the same school and remaining in the same house, when possible, serves to remind children that life is still going on as usual in many ways. That awareness makes it easier to adapt to the other changes happening at the same time. Always make decisions based on their emotional security.

2. Make spending time and attention with your children a priority. With all the stress in your life it’s easy to overlook your kid’s need for stability and security. The best source for that is you. It’s easy to take solace with friends or bury yourself in work, but your children need you more than ever right now. Your love and attention are the most valuable resources you can share with them. Make sure you are generous with both!

3. Talk to your children about ways to discuss the divorce with their friends and extended family. Coach them on answers to probing questions from the outside, such as, “I don’t know. My mom and dad are working on that.” Or “You’ll have to ask my mom about that.” Do whatever it takes to remember that your children deserve to have and keep their childhood. Let them be kids. Never burden them with adult responsibilities or communication.

4. Seek out other families who have experienced divorce as part of a new network. This can provide support and new friends for you as well as your children. They will appreciate meeting other kids who know what they are going through and can share feelings and stories. School guidance counselors may be able to help you find support groups, clubs or other gatherings.

5. Don’t wait for emotional or behavior problems to appear. It is often wise to talk to a family therapist in advance about issues to be aware of. Or schedule a few sessions with your children so they can express their anxiety, fear, anger, etc. and feel “heard” by an objective third party. Ask friends, pediatricians or school professionals for referrals to therapists experienced with divorce.

Some days you may want to hide in a closet or under the blankets in bed. So may your children. But they can’t always express what they are feeling and why. It is your responsibility to be diligent in protecting your children — emotionally as well as physically. Keep the doors to communication open as non-judgmentally as you can. This will go a long way toward helping the children you love get through these challenging times with the best possible outcome.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca, CCT 2009  All rights reserved.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Preparing to break the news to your kids that you’re divorcing their other parent?  Feeling insecure about how to broach the subject? Wondering how much to share? How your children will react? How to handle their questions? How to deal with your special circumstances? What the experts suggest?

Well you’re not alone.

Talking about divorce to your children is tough. You don’t want to make mistakes you will regret.

There are many common mistakes parents make at this time. Learn four of the most important ones so you can avoid them.

* Pressuring children to make choices. Most kids feel torn when asked to choose between their parents. Don’t put them in that position.

* Neglecting to tell your kids that they are not at fault. Don’t assume your children understand that they are victims in your divorce. Remind them frequently that they bare no blame in any way related to your divorce – even and especially if you are fighting with their other parent about them.

* Sharing information only adults should be aware of. Parents often do this to bond with their children or try to win them over. It creates a burden that children shouldn’t have to bare. Talk to adults about adult issues.

* Using your children as spies. Don’t ask and expect your kids to tell you secrets about their other parent’s life and home. It makes them feel uncomfortable and puts enormous pressure on them. They’ll resent you for it.

Fortunately you can reach out to many different professionals to help you if you’re not positive about how best to approach your children. Speak to a divorce mediator or see a therapist who specializes in this subject. Find an attorney who practices Collaborative Law which will result in more positive, cooperative outcomes. Seek the advice of parenting coaches, school counselors, clergy and other professionals. Don’t forget the many valuable books and articles on this topic.

Whatever you do, prepare yourself in advance when talking to your children. Be aware of the impact of your words on their innocent psyches. Avoid the mistakes we have discussed. Think before you leap and give your family a sound foundation on which to face the changes ahead with security, compassion and love.

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Rosalind Sedacca, Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love!  To learn more about the ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. For free articles, her free ezine, coaching services and other valuable resources for parents, visit: www.childcentereddivorce.com.