Divorce Without Dishonor

Unlike court-ordered divorce decisions, collaborative divorce allows you and your spouse the flexibility to re-evaluate and adapt as your children’s needs change over time. Court-ordered decrees strive to set custody arrangements that will stand until children reach the age of majority and can make their own decisions. But children’s lives are not static. Custody and support arrangements and many other decisions you make when your children are 2 or 3 may not meet their needs when they are 7 or 8 and will certainly be outdated when your children enter the pre-teen and teen years. Your ability to be flexibility and to compromise with each other will allow you and your spouse to continue to do what is best for your children as they mature.

As your children grow and their needs change, you may have to change the way you allocate parental time, responsibilities and resources to meet their new needs. By establishing avenues of positive communication and cooperative problem-solving during the collaborative divorce process, you and your spouse will have the skills to work together and provide the necessary flexibility to effectively parent your children now and in the future.

Divorce can take a heavy emotional toll on your children. The turmoil and acrimony that accompany divorce can have life-long repercussions for your children, affecting their ability to make and maintain healthy adult relationships as they mature. More than 50% of children from divorced homes wind up in failed marriages. There is a correlation between living through divorce and the ability to commit to a relationship as an adult.

Collaborative divorce allows parents to exhibit positive role modeling for their children during and after divorce. You and your spouse can choose to model good communication  and effective problem solving for your children, instead of the contempt, destructive sarcasm, criticism and defensive behavior so common during divorce. Through collaborative divorce, you can teach your children to confront problems rationally and compromise to achieve fair solutions.

The collaborative process uses a team approach to help you and your spouse develop skills in active listening, rational thinking, anger management, creative problem solving, and effective communication. As you develop and practice these skills through the collaborative divorce process, you create a basis for continued positive interaction as you parent your children after divorce. You also model for your children positive, mature, adult behavior on which they can model their own future relationships.

Last time we talked about Ghost Dads, fathers who fade away after divorce (see our Feb. 4 post). In most cases fathers who stop seeing their children do so for their own emotional health and self preservation, but in doing so they place a damaging burden on their children. A friend of mine raised three girls without the involvement or support of their father. Now grown women, they continue to have self doubts and relationship issues that stem from the absence of their father as they were growing up. The following is a portion of a letter one of them recently wrote to her dad. She is now 24.

“Why don’t you ever write to me? I’ve written you letters, sent emails and birthday cards, but you never write back. Don’t you love me? Don’t you care about me? I am your daughter but I feel abandoned. Am I that unlovable? I want to get to know you again but you seem to have closed your heart. Please write back otherwise I don’t think I can keep trying. It’s just too hard.” 

The children who heal fastest from divorce are those who enjoy the love, support and involvement of both parents. As a father, it’s essential that you remain part of your children’s daily lives during and after divorce. You need to be in the crowd cheering at soccer and Little League games. You need to be in the audience at dance recitals and school programs. You need to attend parent-teacher conferences. You need to help with homework, comfort your child when they’re sick, go out for ice cream, play catch at the park — all the things you did when you lived together as a family. It’s the way you show your kids that you love them and that you’ll always be there for them.

There’s an interesting article on DadsDivorce.com entitled The Ghost Dad Phenomenon written by Sarah Hampson of The Globe and Mail (click the link to read the article). It talks about the dads who disappear after divorce. They continue to send child support, but they’re physically absent from their children’s lives. They become “ghosts” to their children. As the years go by they become a hazily remembered presence imbued with equal parts of love, anger and confusion; but for their children the ache of their loss never goes away.

The big question is why? Sure there are abusive fathers and irresponsible fathers whose children are probably better off without them. But why do fathers who love their children disappear? If they love their children, how can they hurt them by abandoning them?

As a divorced dad explains in the article, “It’s about shame.” “In the world of masculinity,” writes Ms. Hampson, “you’re either a winner or a loser … It’s black and white. Divorce is seen as failure, ergo you’re a loser. Who wants to be reminded of that?”

Post-divorce conflicts over child support, parenting and visitation, coupled with spousal criticism, dating, remarriage or job relocation can strain a father’s relationship with his family to the breaking point.

“A man feels sadness,” explains Calvin Sandborn, author of Becoming the Kind Father.  ”But on some level he thinks, ‘I’m not supposed to feel sadness,’ so the way men react is to blame the person who is making them feel sad. They get angry. There’s an adrenalin rush. And that makes them feel powerful again.”

Many fathers who feel increasing anger at their marginalization in their children’s lives respond by leaving. Ill-equipped to deal with their emotions and unable to express them, they choose to avoid them. The pain of being repeatedly reminded of what they have lost, drives them away. They push away from the pain and anger caused by a situation they cannot control and in the process abandon the children they love.

Next time: A child’s response.

When you’re struggling with your own emotions, it may be difficult to see the emotional toll your divorce is taking on your children. Divorce threatens the security and emotional well-being of your children who are ill-equipped to cope with the onslaught of confusing emotions engendered by the break-up of the family home. Psychotherapist Dr. Paul Wanio suggests 5 essential steps parents can take to help their child cope with the emotions of divorce:

1. Tell your child that both of you love him and will always love him. Restore his sense of security by impressing upon him that you will always be his parents, will always love him, and will always take care of him.
2. Protect your child from excessive conflict and frustration at home. Don’t make disparaging remarks about your spouse in front of your child. Do not allow your emotions to get out of control. Your child needs to feel safe in his home and overwhelming adult emotions can be frightening. Listen to your child compassionately and explain situations he finds confusing.
3. Children often believe a mistake they made or naughty behavior caused their parents’ divorce. Reassure your child that the divorce is not his fault and that you love him. Do set limits for your child’s behavior, but not his thoughts and feelings. 
4. Encourage your child’s sense of self-esteem by showing him that your love does not depend on his behavior or actions. Show him that you love him for himself and because he is your child. If he is naughty, express disapproval with the action or behavior, not the child.
5. Help your child feel competent. Children need a sense of their own achievement. Give him opportunities to perform tasks independently. Allow him to make choices so he can feel trusted and capable. If your child regresses to a previous stage of development, don’t demean your child, but do provide him with extra love and encouragement. Such regression is generally temporary and will end as your child reestablishes his emotional equilibrium.

It happens. Sometimes even grandparents divorce. After 30, 40 or even 50 years of marriage, whatever glue that held your parents together weakens and dissolves. While a grandparent’s divorce is not as difficult for a child as his own parents’ divorce, it is still traumatic. Here are some suggestions for helping your child cope with his grandparents’ divorce:

• Keep the lines of communication open between your child and his grandparents. Try to answer your child’s questions honestly without assigning blame.
• Don’t allow your children to become messengers for their grandparents. Your child may feel he is being asked to choose between his grandparents, causing conflicting feelings and undue stress.
• Share your own grief with your child. He needs to see that it is okay to feel loss and grief so he can understand and express his own emotions.
• Don’t force your child to talk about his feelings until he is ready. Each person processes grief in his own way and in his own time.
• Watch for significant or prolonged changes in your child’s sleeping, eating or playing habits. If your child exhibits pronounced changes or frequent moodiness over time, you should discuss his symptoms with his pediatrician.

Divorce is tough on kids, but it is the parents’ approach to divorce that determines how tough. “It is not divorce, per se, that emotionally scars children,” says Rosalind Sedacca, a well-known proponent of child-centered divorce, in a recent email. “It is the parents’ approach to divorce that determines the positive or negative impact on the kids.” 

The process of collaborative divorce, which focuses on meeting the needs of the whole family, particularly the children, in an atmosphere of support and cooperation, can minimize the distress and emotional turmoil that divorce can cause. In many instances, collaborative divorce can be a healthier, happier solution than “staying together for the sake of the children.” Children who have grown up in an emotionally cold or combative household will tell you that they wish their parents had separated years ago. They agree that they would have been happier with two parents living separate but satisfying lives than living in the middle of “a war zone,” as one teen put it.

I’m not suggesting that divorce is the answer to your marital problems. I always suggest counseling as a first effort where appropriate. No one, particularly parents, should end their marriage precipitously. But if your marriage cannot be repaired, collaborative divorce can allow both you and your children to move forward with your lives in a positive way. The process of collaborative divorce can establish a basis for cooperative parenting that will allow you and your spouse to work together in the best interests of your children. Your children will successfully manage the changes divorce creates in their living situation when they grow up knowing they are loved and supported by both parents.

In the spirit of Christmas, I would like to share with you the following email I received from a friend. It’s about compassion, love, humanity, helping those less fortunate than ourselves and the choices we make in our everyday lives.  

Have a Shay Day! 

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: “When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?”

The audience was stilled by the query. The father continued. “I believe that when a child like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped, comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.”

Then he told the following story:

Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, “Do you think they’ll let me play?”  Shay’s father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

Shay’s father approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, “We’re losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we’ll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.”

Shay struggled over to the team’s bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. His father watched with a small tear in his eye and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father’s joy at his son being accepted. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay’s team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay’s team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do the boys let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn’t even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball. However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay’s life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game. Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman’s head, out of reach of all his team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, “Shay, run to first! Run to first!” Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, “Run to second, run to second!” Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right-fielder had the ball – the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team. He could have thrown the ball to the second baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher’s intentions; so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman’s head. Shay ran toward third base as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home. All were screaming, “Shay, Shay, Shay, all the way, Shay!”

Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base and shouted, “Run to third! Shay, run to third!” As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams and the spectators were on their feet screaming, “Shay, run home! Run home!” Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team.

“That day,” said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, “the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world.”

Shay didn’t make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making his father so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

I was touched by this story and the thoughtful words of the original sender: “We all send thousands of jokes through email without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate. The crude, vulgar and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace; but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces. We can all make a difference. We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the ‘natural order of things.’ So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice: Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those opportunities and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?”

A wise man once said, our society is judged by how we treat the least fortunate amongst us. It’s a good lesson for each of us and a good lesson to teach our children. Merry Christmas! Have a Shay Day!

Holidays are stressful times for children and adults, particularly during divorce. With your own turbulent emotions, it can be especially difficult to cope with your children when they act out. Child-centered divorce advocate Rosalind Sedacca offers three tips for coping when your children act out.

1. Diffuse blame. It’s normal for older children, particularly pre-teens and teens, to blame one parent for the divorce. Sometimes blame is warranted (alcoholism, absent parent, domestic violence, etc.). Some children may side with the parent they feel closest to. Occasionally, one parent will bad mouth the other in an attempt to manipulate their children’s affections. No matter the cause, keep your cool. “In many cases blaming is a defense against feeling overwhelmed by the circumstances in your child’s life,” Sedacca explains. Be patient when you talk with your child. Tell them you love them and that you are sorry they are hurt. Your child is not rejecting you; he is expressing his hurt. Your compassion and patience will help your child cope.
2. Counter distress. Your child’s negative comments are his way of expressing his frustration and distress about the divorce. His critical comments are a distress call you need to answer. “This is a time to reinforce your comments about the key messages every child needs to hear,” says Sedacca: I love you. I will keep you safe. I will not leave you. You are not to blame.
3. Patient acceptance. The best thing you can do to help your child cope with divorce is to continue normal family activities, talk when they want to talk, hug and cuddle them, tell them every day that you love them. “Most importantly,” says Sedacca, “accept and acknowledge whatever they share with you as okay for them to feel.”

During the holidays we all want to make our children happy. But divorcing parents too often go off the deep end, crowding the tree with piles of presents to make up for the hurt and loss of divorce. During divorce, it’s hard not to fall into the “Disneyland Parent” trap, but it’s especially difficult during the holidays.

Every parent wants to be the good guy, the fun parent, the “Disney Dad” or “Disney Mom.” No one likes to play the heavy, but children need structure, boundaries and rules to feel safe. Parenting by guilt is unhealthy for both you and your child. If you give into your child’s every demand, he will keep pushing until he finally crashes into the proverbial brick wall, the big N-O. Children need to know where the boundaries are to feel safe, otherwise the world seems too overwhelmingly big and frightening.

You child doesn’t need a buddy, he needs a mom and a dad to take care of him and keep him safe. You can’t make up for the divorce by buying your child lots of presents. Things aren’t going to fill the hole in his heart. Disneyland may be a magical place, but it is a fantasy. You and your child live in the real world where dreams don’t always come true. But you can build new dreams and life can be fun and happy and whole again. Let your child know you love him by spending time with him, following the same family holiday traditions you’ve always enjoyed, and setting limits that make him feel safe and loved.