Divorce Without Dishonor

By Michael A. Mastracci

If you are separated or divorced and have children stuck in the middle of parental discord, the Holidays often take on special significance in many respects.  Transitioning the children from one house to the other and dividing up time not only between the parties but also involving extended family members, relatives and friends make scheduling all the more difficult. If you and the other parent have a tendency to disagree about things such as the day of the week, the time, the weather, whose fault everything is and the like, you may not look forward to yet another holiday season. For purposes of the following comments and tips we will limit the discussion to the Thanksgiving holiday. Just like co-parenting through separation and divorce, holiday cheer is dealt one day at a time.

I recently came across a good article on the Ohio Family Law Blog written by attorney Anne Shale of the law firm Holzfaster, Cecil, McKnight and Mues, LPA regarding some useful tips on the nuts and bolts of handling the Christmas holiday season. The real short version includes tips like plan ahead, look to and review the controlling agreement or court order if one exists and to attempt to commit to a written schedule as soon as possible if there is no such writing memorializing how the children’s time is to be divided for each upcoming holiday. Often easier said than done, but proper planning and even some sacrificing here and there can go a long way. Whatever the schedule is, grandparents and extended families will have to adjust accordingly to fit your schedule, as the other parent may not care to accommodate too many variables, right?

When trying to plan, first and foremost remember that it is the children’s time that is being allocated for, not yours. Keep it all child focused. Also, while we like to remember the Pilgrims and all we have to be thankful for, when push comes to shove, in our time sharing  context, it is one frickin meal on one Thursday of the year. Don’t make more out of it than need be. When it comes to Thanksgiving and many scheduled holidays there is often a choice to be made, and hopefully agreed upon, as to whether to split or divide the Holiday or alternate from year to year. In a day/night split the child spends a portion of Thanksgiving with each parent which means juggling two dinner times, family gatherings, travel etc. Also, do the children really need two huge meals back-to-back or even during the same day? Remember, as far as the kids go, they really don’t care if you celebrate Thanksgiving on Wednesday with one parent and on Thursday with the other. Should it really matter that much to you if it works for your children?

Whatever works best for the children and all concerned is what counts. A few possibilities for a smooth and Happy Thanksgiving are to go with the even-odd year approach. First define and delineate the parameters of the Holiday. Your Thanksgiving could be defined as beginning Wednesday evening at 8:00 p.m. until Friday after Thanksgiving at noon, or perhaps from Thanksgiving Day at noon until 10:00 p.m. Thanksgiving night. It really doesn’t matter as long as it is clear and practical and includes facts like who picks up, drops off and otherwise transports the children. A system of whoever has the children takes them to the other parent works well in most cases. Once properly defined, the holiday can be memorialized by a document stating that, for example, in 2009 and all odd numbered years the children will spend Thanksgiving (as defined above) with Mom and in 2010 and all even years the children shall spend Thanksgiving with Dad.

If you think you want to divide the day in half in some fashion you might want to give thought to not doing that if it is an unnecessary hassle for the children and if heightened parental acrimony is afoot. It is perhaps better to have one good “all you and the kids” to plan for type of Thanksgiving every other year than to deal with two back-to-back problematic turkey days.

No matter what you and the other parent decide, remember that these days should be examples for giving thanks and celebration and not fighting and bickering; your child will be watching and learning the lessons that you instill in them during these delicate times. Some day they too may be raising your grandchildren under similar circumstances.

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Editor Note: Stop Fighting Over the Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations has sample parenting plans that include reasonable holiday divisions to help alleviate the strain associated with divorce, child-custody, and separation. It is important to note that the holidays require effective pre-planning to help ensure they work smoothly for the children. Sometimes it may require mediation, collaboration, or legal process to modify or implement an effective parenting plan that includes the holiday plans.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT.

Parenting plans are becoming more and more recognized as the way for both parents to coordinate their parenting, their lives and their relationship with their children after divorce.

In its simplest form a parenting plan puts in writing the agreed upon schedule both parents have created regarding most all parenting arrangements. It outlines the days, times and other details of when, where and how each parent will be with the children along with other agreements both parents will follow in the months and years to come.

The purpose of the plans is to determine strategies that are in the children’s best interest to create smooth, easy and positive transitions. These plans encourage cooperative co-parenting so that the children feel secure, loved, wanted and nurtured by both of their parents.

Plans can vary in depth and scope. Often they include guidelines for routine residential arrangements as well as special occasions, including holidays, birthday and vacation time. Emergency information, decision-making guidelines, processes for sharing information, relocation procedures and means for resolving disputes can also be spelled out to minimize future conflict and provide consistency for the children.

While parenting plans make excellent tools for the family, keep them flexible so that their purpose doesn’t get lost in a maze of too rigid rules. Allow for some fluctuation and reassessments as the family ages and also experiences the day-to-day realities of their living arrangements.
No plan can compensate for irresponsible or negligent parenting. Make sure the time you spend with your children is rewarding for them and reinforces the caring, supportive messages you want your children to remember. Don’t try to substitute gifts or excursions for the quality parenting time they value and crave.

Parenting after divorce is all about reassurance, safety and security. Allow your children an adjustment period at the beginning and end of visits as they transition from one home to the other. This is not easy to do for adults. Think of what it must be like for children – regardless of their age.

Be sensitive about how and when to introduce your children to your new adult friends, especially dating partners. Children are very possessive of both parents. They need to feel very secure in your love for them before they can accept another parent figure in their lives. Take your time in this regard. Think before you take steps you will regret.

Whenever possible create a sense of consistency between both homes. Children fare best when Mom and Dad agree on basic parenting issues and don’t contradict one another from home to home. If you do have differing rules, talk to your children about the differences, explain your own parenting style, and don’t put down their other parent – even if you don’t agree with their values. Your children will learn to adapt to differences in their parents if you don’t make a big deal about those issues.

Never forget that you will be a parent to your children for the rest of your life – and so will their other parent. Keep that perspective and focus on ways to collaborate and join forces whenever possible. Your children will be the winners in the long term.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Max Sindell is a young man in his early twenties who has written a book for children titled, The Bright Side: Surviving Your Parents’ Divorce.

Sindell was six when his parents divorced. Over the next many years he experienced a wide array of significant divorce issues that affect so many families. These include coping with his parents’ arguments with and about one another, adjusting to travel between homes, remarriage, step siblings and juggling holidays and other special events. He wrote the book to help children identify their “voice” about all these issues. He also wants to show children ways to find the good that can come through and from divorce.

“The book is really supposed to be a quick handbook for making the most out of divorce and making it so that it’s the least of your problems,” Sindell says.  

Sindell uses his own life lessons to walk children through the “downsides” of divorce, and focuses on ways to best handle them. In his chapter titled, “The Good News and the Bed News,” he says “I’d honestly say that my parents’ divorce is one of the best things to ever happen to me in my entire life: That’s the good news.” “On the other hand, divorce can make you wake up one morning realizing how much everything sucks,” he also adds.

Other topics he discusses include: “You Are Never Going to Have One Home Again” and “Your Parents Are Going to Fight.” But within each discussion he also provides positive observations, such as learning how to travel at a young age and developing more independence.

Within the book Sindell also offers his personal bill of rights for divorced children. These are worth discussing with your children. It reminds them that they are not alone in what they are going through. And is empowers them to learn that they deserve and are entitled to “rights” as they move through and beyond the divorce. Let me share the first five with you, which Sindell says children should actually require to be part of their parents’ divorce agreement.

THE DIVORCED KIDS’ BILL OF RIGHTS
(Excerpt from The Bright Side: Surviving Your Parents’ Divorce)
I. The Right to Be Safe and Feel Safe – A child should feel safe and secure. If there ever is a time you don’t feel safe, tell your parents, and if you can’t tell them, tell a counselor or tell a friend. This is your most important right.

II. The Right to Awareness – Every child has a right to know what is going on. Your parents should not lie to you or hide the truth from you about anything to do with you. While some things should remain private between your parents until you are older, if they’re having a discussion about your schedule, you have the right to know and to make your voice heard.

III. The Right to Counseling – Divorce can make you feel like you don’t have a say and don’t make a difference, and that’s exactly where a counselor comes in. A counselor should be someone whom you can talk to privately, without your parents there, and who can help you with your situation.
School counselors are not the only people you can talk to. Adult friends of the family who are unbiased, or the parents of good friends of yours, are also good people to talk to.

IV. The Right to Be Heard – Sometimes, when your parents are trying to sort out what they think is best for you, they can forget to listen to the most important person: You! If you can’t get them to listen to you by yourself, it’s important to have someone — a counselor or a friend — talk for you.

V. The Right to Be Your Own Person – Before your parents were divorced, there was you, your mom, your dad, and the other people in your family. The same is true now. Your parents have to respect your right to feel the way you feel. In dealing with stepparents, or the people your parents are dating, your rights stand. You must tell both your parents and their friends when any boundaries are crossed. If those boundaries are crossed in a major way, and you don’t feel safe, tell a counselor.

Put yourself in your child’s shoes and give these Rights some serious consideration before making any further decisions affecting your children. Talk to your children about what this means. It might open the door to some very meaningful conversations about topics you’ve never before discussed. Empowered children are happier children — less resentful and less likely to act out to get your attention. Isn’t that what you really want?

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Can a pet be helpful to your children during a divorce and the transition after? In my opinion, without a doubt! If your family has one or more pets, let your children have access to them as much as they desire. There is a great emotional benefit to them and your children are fortunate that the pets they love can still be in their lives.

If you don’t already have a pet, I recommend getting one – but only if you are in a position to be responsible to that innocent animal during this time of additional stress in your life. If a family pet is out of the question, please consider giving your children time to play with the pets of friends and family. Take them to petting zoos. Allow them contact with other life forms that can give them joy at a time when they are likely experiencing stress and insecurity.

In the United States alone, close to 65%, or about 71 million households have pets. Statistics from the National Pet Owners Survey say 39% of these households own at least one dog and 34% one or more cats. This should come as no surprise since pets can be a blessing in the life of any human being at any age.

Here are six key benefits a pet provides for families coping with divorce:

1. Unconditional Love. It has been proven again and again that pets are a source of support and unconditional love for children. During and after divorce, when there is so much instability and insecurity in a child’s life, a beloved pet can be the bridge to sanity. While much around them may be changing, sweet Fluffy is still there to love them and be by their side. 

2. A Confidant. Children like to talk to their pets. For most children pets are a trusted friend in which they can confide and share their deepest fears. This is truly a gift to children and greatly helps with emotional resiliency. Pets are nonjudgmental. They listen attentively. They “understand,” And they always love you back. Isn’t that what your children need at a time like this?

3. Security. Pets have been shown to help children better cope with challenging times within a family including divorce, illness and death. They feel less alone and abandoned. The relationship with the pet provides a deep sense of security that can’t easily be duplicated. In early childhood a stuffed animal often serves much the same purpose. But kids rarely outgrow their bond with Fluffy, even when they mature into their teens.
 
4. Bridge to Adults. Pets can bridge the emotional and communication gap between adults and children – especially when Mom and Dad are preoccupied with so many other time-consuming details during and after a divorce. They are a valued part of the family, a source of calm as the family moves through the storm of post-divorce transition.

5. Stress Reduction. Medical studies have shown that pets are just as beneficial for adults. Walking and talking to your dog or petting your cat can actually lower blood pressure and cholesterol levels, not to mention overall stress. Pets also are a great source of laughter and joy, a reminder that there are other aspects of life that are still wonderful to experience.

6. Best Friend. Pets also provide unconditional love, nurturing and comfort to adults who greatly need it as they transition through the grief of divorce. They’re a best friend when you’re alone and an appreciative ear when you want to vent or shed tears.

Connecting to other life forms is also a wonderful way to get a perspective about our place in the universe and our responsibilities toward others. When life can feel life it’s crashing in around us it is valuable to remember we share this planet with other beings who depend on us for love, sustenance and nurturing as well.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids …about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love. For her free articles, blog, valuable resources  on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

The Collaborative Divorce model requires a commitment on the part of the divorcing couple to work together honestly and with integrity. This article will explore how, within the framework of the collaborative model, divorcing couples must work together in order to live apart.

As a team, the primary tasks of the divorcing couple are to resolve shared problems involving custody and parenting, child support and alimony, marital property, and other practical matters. As individuals, each member of the divorcing couple has a responsibility to build a separate identity as a non-married person.

How can pain, disenchantment, and alienation — all normal feelings resulting from divorce — be reconciled with understanding and respecting each others’ needs? Is it possible for these seemingly paradoxical tasks to be integrated? To accomplish this and to attain a “successful divorce”, there are two parallel tasks to complete — reinventing oneself as a single person (“I”) and maintaining a form of partnership (“we”) to create long-term solutions. This article presents effective techniques for resolving these seemingly contradictory goals.

The Collaborative Model

Collaborative practice offers tremendous benefits for divorcing couples. A core element of the collaborative model is the goal of creating solutions that take into account the highest priorities of both parties and their children. Identifying shared goals and legitimate interests (i.e. needs, concerns, values, and objectives) of both parties, and finding resolutions that will meet the interests of all involved, is a hallmark of the collaborative practice approach.

In traditional litigation-based models of family law, the emotional turmoil couples experience during the separation process is frequently exacerbated by the adversarial nature of the court process. This exacerbation increases the distress and mistrust between the separating couple, breaks down their ability to communicate effectively with one another, and destroys any residual trust the couple may have had. Consequently, it becomes more difficult for the parties to resolve issues. The collaborative model provides divorcing couples with the support and guidance needed to move through the process in a more amicable manner.

While the collaborative process centers on a discovery of personal needs and interests, and how these can be met by each spouse, it is important to remember that conflict is inevitable for nearly all divorcing couples. Indeed, people who are seeking a divorce are experiencing higher than normal levels of conflict. Each spouse has their own version of the breakup and selectively glosses over and highlights those aspects which reinforce their perspective. The collaborative practice gives spouses the help they need to build a story that both can accept, allowing for a smoother resolution and easier transition to single life.

The Psychological Stages of Divorce

It is never easy to end a marriage, and everyone who goes through a divorce will experience an emotional transition. Often, the emotional upheaval of separation and divorce is the primary catalyst leading to a long, drawn-out legal process.

While it may appear that the erratic and emotional behavior occurring during the divorce process is random in nature, many psychologists theorize that there are specific and predictable stages that occur during the divorce process. The combined stages generally take an average of three years to complete and may occur in a specific order or may, in some cases, overlap. Spouses are often at different stages as they progress through the divorce process. The following stages may vary if the divorce is mutual.

Stage 1: Shock and Blame. The individual who initiates the divorce blames the spouse for all of the problems in his or her life. The initiator generally experiences the first stage of divorce while still living with the spouse. Initiators are frequently unhappy for some time and need relief from the stressful marriage. Although there is often a measure of relief, they may also experience guilt, fear, anger, and depression in response to the decision to divorce. The non-initiator, on the other hand, begins the first stage after learning of the spouse’s intent to divorce or after the couple has physically separated. It is at this point that they may develop a negative self-image, appear sad much of the time, become depressed, and experience a profound sense of being shell-shocked. Tending to the children’s needs at this time is very difficult.

Stage 2: Mourning the Loss. This stage is about acknowledging the end of the relationship. It is a time when grief can feel overwhelming. People often become self-pitying as, in their eyes, the future appears hopeless and meaningless. Individuals are intensely preoccupied with their own feelings and unable to concentrate on the real world. The identity and role of spouse is lost, and with that loss comes a feeling of grief no less intense than grieving the actual death of a partner. Often, spouses experience fear that they will never recover and the grief will never end. Diminished parenting may continue. Some parents may hold onto a child in an attempt to recapture the separated spouse. Others may behave in a rejecting manner to their child because of perceived similarities between the child and the spouse.

Stage 3: Anger. Though anger is experienced at almost every stage of the divorce transition, it is now the dominant trait. More often than not, the anger, which may have righteous quality to it, is most often directed toward the spouse. “No fault” divorce does not seem to alleviate the need to blame the other party as the one responsible for the dissolution. The need to perceive one spouse as the “bad” individual and the other as the “wronged” spouse continues. Interestingly, during this time the individual’s energy levels often increase and function to propel the process forward.

Stage 4: Being Single. This is the stage which begins after the initial separation when the terror of living alone and mourning the death of the marriage have run its course. It is the time when one begins to enrich their new life as a single person with new friends, new experiences, and new job challenges. Individuals begin to seek experiences that are not related to and do not involve their former spouses. These experiences are of paramount importance in reinforcing their own sense of self-worth as a separate individual. A commitment to the future and individual development of the self in the absence of the other partner are the primary characteristics of Stage 4.

Stage 5: Re-entry. A new level of stability is now achieved. Individuals regain the feeling of control over their own lives. Long-term plans and commitments can now be made.

The Development of Independence

Readiness to live life without one’s partner requires more than a geographical separation. Achieving psychological independence from the marriage and the former spouse is a critical task for the newly divorced. Individuals must prove to themselves that they are a person who can survive physically and emotionally as a single person instead of as part of a couple. That means validating the fact that one is a person of value and worth in one’s own right, not only as part of a couple. Divorce is much more than the legal piece of paper. It is predominately a psychological process of self-renewal.

In a marriage, couples have shared the deepest part of themselves with each other, traversed the joy and adversities of life together, and loved one another before the love died. It should come as no surprise that ending this set of experiences can be temporarily destabilizing. Often, people only discover the enormous extent to which marriage has defined their personal identity when they are confronted with being on their own.

As a no-longer or soon-to-be unmarried person, the time has come to grow up and take responsibility for one’s life. It means confronting one’s dependencies and fears. The newly divorced must give up blaming the former spouse for their lot in life. It takes enormous courage to admit that what was wrong with the marriage was, at least in part, also wrong with themselves.

When they were a married couple, there was a kind of fusion that took place in the relationship, i.e. the model of “togetherness”, that together the two will be whole, prevailed. The focus was on the “we”. However, from the perspective of the newly divorced or divorcing, the fusion model is no longer applicable. It must be replaced with a model that requires each person to take on responsibility for their own well being. One plus one no longer equals one (“we”). It equals three — two separate beings (“I”) whose relationship forms a third entity, requiring them to stretch beyond themselves for the sake of redefining their post-divorce partnership.

The Need for a Constructive Mode of Resolving Conflict and Developing Independence

Constructive modes of resolving conflict are thus necessary to assist the couple to think of their relationship in new ways, to feel differently about each other, and to act differently toward one another without jeopardizing their own sense of identity.

The act of balancing one’s obligations to one’s spouse as well as and the obligations to oneself during a Collaborative Divorce process is admittedly difficult. Being stranded between the worlds of togetherness and separateness, sometimes acting as friends and sometimes strangers, brings nothing but confusion to the individuals involved.

Divorcing couples face competing needs to simultaneously establish themselves as independent of each other and work collaboratively, as a team, throughout the divorce process. They must work through strong feelings of anger, frustration, and fear, all of which will inevitably result in interpersonal conflict. If not managed properly, the couple’s capacity to work cooperatively toward post-divorce resolutions for themselves and their children will be diminished.

Each spouse leaves the marriage with his or her own version of what went wrong. Sins of omission — failure to communicate, failure to contribute one’s share, failure to be affectionate and supportive — are cataloged and hurled in the other’s direction. Divorcing couples attack each other mercilessly, deny their own responsibility for the failure of the marriage, heap blame on the other, and then use all their ammunition to argue that the “guilty” party must assume a disproportionate share of the burden.

To the individual, these emotions are very real and therefore must be acknowledged. They cannot be dismissed. Nor, however, can they be mismanaged. If they are negated or not appropriately addressed, the collaborative process will fail.

When people feel unfairly judged or falsely blamed, their own identity and self-esteem are challenged. They feel victimized and shift their focus to saving face and refusing to accept blame. Communication then shifts away from the actual issues in conflict to the secondary issue of how others will see them in this process. They need to be seen, both to themselves and the world, as a certain kind of person. (“It wasn’t me who was not a loving partner. I treated you well. It was you who withdrew affection.”)

Saving face is very closely linked to defensiveness. Defensiveness is simply a way of protecting one’s self-image from those who are challenging that image. Simply put, defensiveness is behavior to protect oneself from a perceived threat or attack. When one spouse makes a judgmental statement toward the other, it will threaten their spouse’s self-perception. If the two perceptions are incongruent, the defensive person may be inclined to justify, deny or attack.

When spouses become defensive, they often will respond in one of two unproductive ways: passively, by shutting down or withdrawing, or aggressively, by verbally attacking, judging, or blaming their spouse. From a communication perspective, defensiveness results from how people talk to each other. Those on the defensive often feel confused and profoundly misunderstood. They cannot empathize with or understand another point of view that differs from theirs and are often unwilling to take in new information.

Defensive behavior from either party hampers communication, preventing productive dialog and better understanding from taking place. These behaviors need to be addressed so that communication can be refocused.

Constructive Modes of Resolving Conflict

By shifting communication to a more constructive mode, greater understanding and successful conflict resolution are more likely to occur.

The following list describes some intervention strategies that a collaborative professional may use to address defensiveness so that understanding and productive communication between the couple can be restored:

1. Help each person to acknowledge or empathize with the defensive spouse’s point of view with the intention of helping them feel heard.

2. Refocus the discussion to a less conflicted topic.

3. Point out the defensive behavior as soon as it happens.

4. Balance the power between the spouses.

5. Describe the process as the professional sees behaviors happen.

6. Probe to clarify what motivates the defensiveness.

7. Help the couple to recognize and understand their own emotions as well as their spouses’.

8. Encourage the couple to talk about their feelings so they can be dealt with directly.

9. Remind the couple that all feelings should be expressed in a non-confrontational way.

10. Help each person to acknowledge the other’s feelings as legitimate. Although they may feel differently about a situation, both sets of feelings are real. Denying either spouse’s feelings is likely to intensify those feelings. Encouraging feelings to be expressed allows the couple to return to the substantive issues in dispute so that they can be resolved.

Conclusions

The collaborative model requires that the divorcing spouses work toward a resolution that meets both sets of needs. It means reframing their relationship so that despite the conflicts that may exist between them, they function as mutually respectful working partners, not adversaries.

In order for this to occur, the divorcing individuals must acknowledge the paradox that calls for them to be unified in a new partnership while simultaneously moving forward toward a greater separateness between them. Each needs to take responsibility for his or her own well being while still being responsive to the other. Developing an ability to assert their own feelings and needs while maintaining a genuine caring for their soon-to-be former spouse is a difficult challenge, but one that must be met.

For the collaborative model to work effectively, individuals must replace the need for confirmation from a spouse with the ability to accept differences. Where there was once sameness, now there is otherness — a difficult adjustment for most people to make. The successful divorcing couple will develop the ability to take responsibility for themselves and the courage to validate the reality of the other.

When conflict and defensiveness arise between the couple and interfere with collaborative functioning, various interventions can be used to help the couple learn to more directly assert themselves and clear the way for caring attention to the other. The collaborative professional will guide couples through the process and help them learn to assert themselves individually while still maintaining a caring attention to the other.

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From the Author

During the throes of coming to grips with my own divorce and reinventing myself, I fell down countless times. Each time that I found the courage to get up, I gained wisdom that propelled me forward. In addition, I spent numerous hours researching the literature on divorce, and in so doing, I developed a solid grasp of the psychology of the separation process. I’m savvy about what a person has to go through to make it to the other side; that’s how I successfully help other people transition today.

Now I run a nationwide phone-counseling service for divorce recovery. With three decades of private psychotherapy experience, my divorce counseling has helped hundreds of people face their challenges and build successful lives. My practice has been profiled in The Washington Post and Harper’s Bazaar as well as on TV and radio.

With my training in mediation and Collaborative Divorce as well as psychology, I use an interdisciplinary approach. Attorneys and therapists have the same helping goal, but they speak different languages. Divorce lawyers can be aggressive, but clients’ aggression may cause poor legal judgment. I move between legal and psychological perspectives to make them more compatible.

It is my goal to make certain that you avoid some of the pitfalls and danger signals that I overlooked with my former personal confusion. Indeed, it is precisely because of my personal pain and my professional knowledge that I am confident I can help you face your fears and become a more self-determining person.

You can visit Dr. Deborah Hecker on the web at http://www.drdeborahhecker.com/ or by phone at 1.888.777.3585.

A divorced mother herself, therapist Rosalind Sedacca, has created an excellent new website, Child-Centered Divorce, that I can highly recommend. Built on her own struggles guiding her children through divorce, Sedacca has created a website that can be a valuable resource for parents striving to help their children cope with divorce.

The goal of the website is to provide parents with a support network that addresses the problems parents face with their children during divorce. Articles address the issues concerning the emotional health and welfare of children going through divorce. Parents will find the articles engagingly written and particularly useful. In each article parents will find new understandings and helpful tips they can apply to their own circumstances.

Sedacca shares her highly qualified experience in regular articles on the website and also draws on the knowledge and experience of a variety of experts. Some recent topics include:

• Magical Thinking: When Children of Divorce Blame Themselves
• Children’s Emotional Needs During Divorce and Beyond
• When Children of Divorce Act Out — Caring Parents Step Up!
• Child-Centered Divorce Secrets

Child-Centered Divorce was created this summer by Rosalind Sedacca, a Certified Corporate Trainer, author, national speaker and workshop facilitator. She is the author of the helpful  new book How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love! (see our October 29 post for a review).