Divorce Without Dishonor

You may not have hordes of paparazzi camped outside your door trying to capture your every move and utterance, ready to broadcast it to the world, but you might as well when you get a divorce. In most states, anyone can sit in the courtroom and watch and listen to your divorce hearings and trial. In fact, there are usually other litigants and attorneys in the courtroom waiting for their turn to be called before the judge. Then there are the people who just enjoy the drama of court, who sit in the audience hoping for a juicy tidbit to share with friends.

The majority of states put courthouse records online where personal information from your divorce is available to casual web surfers, data collectors, identity thieves and the media. With some exceptions, anyone can go to your local courthouse and view your complete court divorce file. Every angry word, every ill-considered statement, every embarrassing accusation, even your private financial information – if it’s part of your court record, it’s available for all to see — and use. Even if you and your spouse settle before you go to trial, as many divorces do, all the information entered into the court record becomes part of the court file and is available for public scrutiny.

Because it takes place entirely outside the court system, collaborative divorce files can never become part of the public record. When an agreement is reached, your collaborative attorney needs to file only the barest minimum of information required by law to record your divorce. To the maximum degree permitted by law, your personal affairs and information are protected and remain private. Something to think about.

It’s unfortunate, but you had to see this coming. Britney Spears lost custody of her sons this weekend. A court commissioner awarded sole physical and legal custody of Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1, to dad, Kevin Federline, after Spears refused to return the children to Federline at the end of a court-monitored visit. Police were called and the pop-wreck, as the tabloids are now referring to Spears, was hauled off to the hospital by paramedics summoned by police officers at the scene. Police said there was no threat to the children during the three-hour altercation. Federline had previously been awarded temporary custody of their children when Spears defied previous court orders.

While it’s difficult to draw parallels between the lives of Hollywood’s elite and we mere mortals, Spears’ custody problems and parental misbehavior certainly serve as a worse-case example of what not to do. Her children may not have been physically endangered, but what about the emotional damage she is causing by failing to behave as a responsible parent, failing to maintain their safety, failing to work with their father to support them emotionally, and failing to cooperate with the court?

Children are resilient and her children are quite young, but using your children as a pawn in your divorce, fighting over custody in your children’s presence, and failing to consider your children’s needs, only further destroy your children’s fragile sense of security and feelings of love. Lately, Britney Spears isn’t doing herself, or particularly her children, any favors with her outrageous behavior.

Given his less than responsible past behavior, who’d have thought Kevin Federline would become the poster boy for good parenting. But it seems that fatherhood has changed former playboy K-Fed. Details magazine recently named Britney Spears’ famous ex one of its 50 Most Influential Men Under 45. Federline, 29, is listed alongside Larry Birkhead in slot #7  as a Good Father.

In making the announcement, Details editor-in-chief Dan Peres said, “Here is a person who people think of as this universal joke who has oddly emerged as father of the year.” You might argue that anyone would look good next to Britney Spears’ abysmal parenting skills, but maybe we ought to cut the man some slack. Federline, a father of four, seems to be sincere in his efforts to take good care of his children. “To be a father is everything. It shows me how little I am,” he told the magazine.

The point I want to make here has nothing to do with the parenting skills of two of Hollywood’s most gossiped about celebrities. But their situation should make us think about our erroneous gender expectations when it comes to parenting. When a couple divorces it is too often assumed that the children, particularly young children, will be better off in their mother’s primary custody. Mothers are perceived as more nurturing, more loving, better able to care for their children’s needs. In court, dads often get the short shrift. Even in shared custody, a dad’s time with his kids is often relegated to weekends and a few holidays a year.

I know plenty of men who, despite their own longing for their children,  accept this stereotype. It’s so ingrained in our society, dads doubt themselves and think it must be true that the kids will be better off with mom. I also know plenty of women, particularly career women, who love their children but find round-the-clock mothering personally smothering. Since both parents usually work after divorce, the stay-at-home mom scenario is a thing of the past. If the kids are in school and day care during work hours, why should it necessarily be the mom who picks them up and takes them home each night.

Fathers can be as nurturing as mothers. Primary custody be decided based on which parent has the ability and desire to care for the children, as well as the emotional and financial stability to provide for their daily needs. If you are getting divorced and must make decisions about the custody and care of your children, I urge you to be honest with each other and yourself. Don’t base your decisions on erroneous social beliefs, on what you think you ought to do or what other people will think. The only thing that is important is how you individually and together can provide the best possible care for your children. I believe that fathers are as equally qualified and suited as mothers to take the lead in caring for their children.

With so many Hollywood stars setting a poor example of parenting after divorce (just read any story about Brittany Spears’ escapades), it’s comforting to see a celebrity couple putting their children first. Divorced celebs Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe have managed to rise above personal resentment for the sake of their children.

Just three months after their split, the couple was seen attending a school function together with their young children. Too often during divorce parents get caught up in their own emotional pain and fail to address the emotional and psychological needs of their children. This only adds to their children’s distress.

Divorcing parents need to make a concerted effort to set aside their differences and concentrate on their children when they are together. It is important to children that both parents attend school activities, programs, sporting events, recitals, etc. When you’re with your children, be respectful and polite to your spouse and keep the focus on the kids.

This is particularly important to remember as the holidays approach. You and your spouse should both join your children for school holiday programs, church activities, band and choral concerts — all those things that are important to your child during the holidays. It’s not as hard as you think. Just focus on the joy of being with your children and their excitement and joy in the holiday.

Whitney Houston was on top of the world. With her powerful voice and tremendous vocal range, the Grammy winner’s songs played at the top of the charts. She was in demand as a singer, actress and model. Then she married Bobby Brown in 1992 and  her life started to unravel.

Their marriage was volatile; charges of infidelity, sexual misconduct, anorexia, drug abuse and spousal battery didn’t take long to surface. For years Houston practically disappeared from public view, her name surfacing occasionally in lurid tabloid headlines. Her reputation and career in tatters, Houston finally entered a drub rehab program in 2004 and again in 2005, this time successfully. Finally, in late 2006 Houston divorced Brown, gained sole custody of their teenage daughter and started to piece her career back together. Looking healthy and vivacious, Houston has made a few non-singing appearances this year and a new record is in the works. "The Voice" is back. (For more info on the Houston-Brown marriage and divorce, click here.)

Many marriages follow the same path as Whitney Houston’s to Bobby Brown, admittedly without the glitz, glam and paparazzi. Often during courtship you’re swept off your feet by sweet beauty or suave gallantry. But once the honeymoon is over, the spouse you thought you knew starts to show a few cracks in the polish.

While learning to accept each other’s foibles is part of marriage, there is no room for abuse. An abusive spouse crosses the line of "for better or worse" and morally negates the wedding vows. If you have an abusive spouse, do not risk your life another day. See a divorce attorney today.

Next time: Divorcing an Abusive Spouse.

The sad and bizarre tale of Britney Spears’ fall from grace hit a new low last week when the court awarded custody of their two children to father Kevin Federline. Blogs and websites went into overdrive speculating on whether the judge acted in the children’s best interests, whether Federline will be a good dad, and whether Spears even wants her children.

No matter how you feel about Spears and Federline personally — according to the entertainment press, both have had their problems with drugs, lifestyle choices and personal responsibility — Spears’ recent conduct deep-sixed her chances in court. After Spears repeated ignored Judge Scott Gordon’s orders for drug tests, parenting classes and therapy, the judge awarded full-time custody of the couple’s two children — 2-year-old Sean Preston and 1-year-old Jayden James — to Federline.

A divorced father, myself, I can’t share the angst and agony being expressed on the internet about the children being taken from their mother. Federline may or may not turn out to be a good dad, but he has certainly exhibited more responsibility toward his children than Spears. Too often in divorce the abilities of fathers to successfully care for their children is overlooked in favor of the mother.

Celebrity divorce makes big headlines. We’re often shocked and dismayed by the ugly behavior of our favorite stars toward each other and toward their children. But the hateful game-playing, vicious mud-slinging and child-damaging behavior that grabs Hollywood headlines goes on behind the closed doors of countless American homes every single day.

A case in point: In April, Alec Baldwin unleashed a tirade of invective against 11-year-old daughter Ireland, calling her a "thoughtless little pig." Angry that his daughter had missed an appointed phone call, Baldwin went into a rage, leaving a four-letter tirade on the child’s answering machine.

"Once again, I have made an ass of myself trying to get to a phone," raged Baldwin in his message, adding, "you have insulted me for the last time." After slurring mom, Kim Basinger, Baldwin continued, "This crap you pull on me with this goddamn phone situation that you would never dream of doing to your mother, and you do it to me constantly over and over again." Before slamming the phone down, Baldwin threatened, "You better be ready Friday to meet with me."

In the ongoing six-year battle for their daughter’s affections, Basinger used the tape to obtain a court order temporarily suspending Baldwin’s visitation rights. Then her publicist leaked the tape to the press. Baldwin has since apologized for his language to his daughter, his ex-wife and the public.

A friend of Baldwin’s tried to put his behavior in perspective, explaining that  Ireland is the most important thing in the world to Alec and he was frustrated because over the last six years, Kim has tried everything to alienate daughter and father.

This kind of damaging behavior is no less disturbing when it happens without the headlines. Fear, anger and frustration over the alienation of their children’s affections drive many parents to tirades and behaviors similar to Baldwin’s. Next time we’ll talk more about the effect your relationship with your spouse has on your children. Through collaborative divorce there are solutions that support each member of the family. Stay tuned!