Divorce Without Dishonor

Divorce is tough on kids, but it is the parents’ approach to divorce that determines how tough. “It is not divorce, per se, that emotionally scars children,” says Rosalind Sedacca, a well-known proponent of child-centered divorce, in a recent email. “It is the parents’ approach to divorce that determines the positive or negative impact on the kids.” 

The process of collaborative divorce, which focuses on meeting the needs of the whole family, particularly the children, in an atmosphere of support and cooperation, can minimize the distress and emotional turmoil that divorce can cause. In many instances, collaborative divorce can be a healthier, happier solution than “staying together for the sake of the children.” Children who have grown up in an emotionally cold or combative household will tell you that they wish their parents had separated years ago. They agree that they would have been happier with two parents living separate but satisfying lives than living in the middle of “a war zone,” as one teen put it.

I’m not suggesting that divorce is the answer to your marital problems. I always suggest counseling as a first effort where appropriate. No one, particularly parents, should end their marriage precipitously. But if your marriage cannot be repaired, collaborative divorce can allow both you and your children to move forward with your lives in a positive way. The process of collaborative divorce can establish a basis for cooperative parenting that will allow you and your spouse to work together in the best interests of your children. Your children will successfully manage the changes divorce creates in their living situation when they grow up knowing they are loved and supported by both parents.

A close friend died over the holidays and it struck me that we grieve for the loss of a marriage much like we do for the loss of a loved one. When I got divorced I went through the same phases of grief that you go through when someone close to you dies:

• Denial: This is not happening. It’s just a midlife crisis. We can work it out.
• Anger: What did I do to deserve this? How can he/she do this to me?
• Bargaining: If you stay, I’ll change. I’ll do anything if you’ll stay.
• Depression: I can’t bear this. How will I ever cope on my own?
• Acceptance: This is happening. I can do this and move on. I’m going to be okay.

When you get divorced, your marriage dies. Grieving for the loss of your spouse, your life together, unrealized hopes and dreams is normal and necessary. It helps to understand the emotional phases that you and your family will go through. It’s equally important to realize that each person will not proceed through these phases at the same rate. You or a family member may need professional help to successfully pass through each phase to achieve acceptance, but it is necessary to do so. Until you finish grieving for the loss of your marriage, you cannot begin to build a new life.

Collaborative divorce can help accelerate the grieving process so that you and your spouse can move forward with your lives more quickly.

When you are convinced your marriage cannot be saved, before moving out or doing anything else, have legal separation documents drawn up by an attorney so you can best protect yourself in the upcoming trying and stressful times ahead.  Once those are completed and signed, if you are the one moving out, below is a tip sheet to help guide you through this next phase of your divorce:

•  If you are renting, have your name taken off the lease otherwise you may be held responsible for both the rent there and the rent in your new place.

•  Remove your name from all of the utilities (cable, phone, trash, electric, water, etc.) or you could be held responsible for them as well.

•   Forward your mail to a PO box, a close friend, or relative.  Don’t let your mail accumulate at your old residence.

•   Cancel or freeze all joint credit accounts because you are legally responsible for any debt that accrues.  Both of you should get separate credit cards.

•    Make sure to jot down all addresses, phone numbers, account numbers pertaining to things like mortgages, bank and credit card accounts, insurance policies, pensions, or any other financial arrangements you or your spouse might have or share.

•    Take with you a copy of all tax records of the last 6 years. 

•    List what is in the safety deposit boxes and take photos for your records.  Be sure to remove any personal items that are yours.

•    Pack up anything you own that you will want later or things you’ll need to set up housekeeping at your new place. This includes medication, clothes, shoes, pictures, family heirlooms, mementos, school and medical records, dishes, phones, cleaning supplies, your computer, office supplies, towels, bedding, sports gear, and outdoor equipment.  Remember that what you don’t take with you may not be accessible to you in the future.  If there is a disputed item, it is best to leave it there, take a photograph, and make a note that this is one you would like in the final settlement.

The Secret by Rhonda Byrne is the latest pop culture guide to life. Read and talked about by everyone from Ophra to my sister, The Secret is said to reveal the most powerful law of the universe, to offer a life-changing path to universal joy and peace. Without judging the mysticism of The Secret, I find value in the author’s idea that there are certain words we can say to each other that have the power to change our lives for the better.

“Thank you” are the two words Byrne believes can bring you “absolute joy and happiness.” In The Secret Scrolls she writes that the words “thank you” are “Two words that will create miracles in your life…. Gratitude is one of the easiest and most powerful ways to transform your life.”

Saying “thank you” is one of the oldest and most common of social courtesies. We thank the grocery cashier for handing us our change. We thank strangers for holding the door as we enter a building. We thank the waiter at our favorite eatery for bringing our food. We say “thank you” to total strangers countless times a day. It’s a rote response, the automatic acknowledgment of common courtesy.

Yet, how often do we thank the people who matter most in our lives? How often do we thank our spouse for their contributions to the family? When was the last time you thanked your spouse for cooking dinner? When was the last time you said “thank you” when your spouse brought home a paycheck or sent the child support payment? Have you ever thanked your spouse for driving the kids’ carpool? What about for mowing the lawn, seeing that there are clean clothes in the closet, reading to the kids, helping with their homework, etc. Every day we do hundreds of things that show our love and support for each other and our families but most go unrecognized. We take the everyday actions of family life for granted.

Perhaps it’s time we afforded our families the same courtesy we give to strangers every day of the week. Starting today, recognize the contributions your spouse makes to family life. Say “thank you” for all the little ways they show their love and support. Acknowledge their efforts and show them how much you appreciate what they do. Make a conscious effort to say “thank you” for the small contributions as well as the big ones. It will make a difference and, I believe, will change your life for the better. 

You won’t see these things on your children’s Christmas lists this year, but these are the things that children want and need from their parents not just on Christmas, but every day of the year. If you and your spouse are separated or are going through a divorce, it is particularly important to provide your children with these things to ally their fears and assure them that they are loved.

• Love. Tell your kids you love them every single day. They need to hear those very important words, I love you. Give your kids plenty of hugs; physical touch is comforting and reassuring.
• Time. Show your kids you love them by spending time with them: attend ball games, go to school programs, sit down for a chat, eat dinner as a family, play a game of catch, go for a walk together or cuddle up and read a story. Every day make sure you spend some time with your child when you can truly focusing on your child without distractions.
• Praise. Complement your child. Praise your child every chance you get. Tell him every day how proud you are of him.
• Self-confidence. Build your child’s self-confidence by showing him you have confidence in his abilities. If you show him you believe he can do something, he’ll believe it too.
• Limits. Children need to learn what is acceptable behavior and what isn’t. Show them the limits and set age-appropriate consequences. Limits make children feel safe. Children learn to set internal limits for themselves by having external limits set for them by their parents.
• Consequences. One of the greatest thing you can teach your child is that his actions will always have consequences. Consequences teach children to take responsibility for their actions.
• Consistency. Consistency builds trust. Children feel safe when they know what is going to happen. If you promise your child you’ll do something together, make sure you follow through. Show your child he is important to you.
• Friends. Children need friends their own age who share their interests. Understand and promote this healthy need by participating in activities where your child can make friends.

Children love to play games. Games can help children understand difficult concepts and talk about things that bother them. Earthquake in Zipland is a new computer game on the market designed to help children understand, talk about and cope with their parents’ divorce or separation.

Brought to my attention and recommended by colleague Rosalind Sedacca, Earthquake in Zipland is an interactive computer adventure game designed as a quest. The game is earning the praise of counselors and other professionals who work with children coping with divorce. Fun, challenging, creative and attractively designed, it’s a game you and your children can enjoy playing together or that your child can play by himself. 

Rosalind and I give Earthquake in Zipland our highest recommendation. Geared for children 7 to 12, the game can help children coping with divorce:

• identify and cope with situations that parallel those they are struggling with in their own lives; 
• distance themselves from personal experiences and approach feelings they tend to ignore such as anger, helplessness, blame, shame and loneliness;
• cope with both the separation and fantasy of bringing their parents back together;
• express painful feelings they have not been able to talk about; and
• learn to open up about their feelings in a non-threatening environment

Earthquake in Zipland may be the tool you’ve been looking for to help your children talk with you about the divorce and cope with their feelings. For more information on Earthquake in Zipland and to order, click the link.

Curl up with a good book and get in touch with your feelings, so you can work your way through your divorce, and begin anew. Here are a few titles from Amazon that capture the breakthrough thinking that we embrace on Divorce Without Dishonor. We thought we would just mention a few titles, in case you wanted to hear a different voice.

Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, 3rd Edition (Rebuilding Books; For Divorce and Beyond) by Bruce Fisher (Paperback - Jan 2005)

The Divorce Organizer & Planner by Brette McWhorter Sember (Paperback - May 28, 2004)

The Truth About Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions So You and Your Children Can Thrive by Robert E., Ph.D. Emery (Hardcover - Aug 1, 2004) - Bargain Price

Your Divorce Advisor : A Lawyer and a Psychologist GuideYou Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce by Diana Mercer and Marsha Kline Pruett (Paperback - Feb 2001)

Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way by M. Gary Neuman (Paperback - Jul 27, 1999)

The Truth About Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions So You and Your Children Can Thrive by Robert E., Ph.D. Emery (Hardcover - Aug 1, 2004)

The holidays can be particularly stressful for families coping with divorce. Of necessity, traditions, activities and gatherings change with divorce. Some things the family did as a unit may no longer include both parents or may no longer be financially feasible. New traditions may need to replace the old. The desire to share holidays with both sides of the family can add even more stress. A sense of loss and sadness often colors the last holiday before a divorce and the first few holidays immediately after. Our fantasy of the “perfect” holiday seems even more unobtainable during divorce.

That, of course, is the key to managing holidays during divorce. You must realize that no holiday is “perfect,” that the reality can never live up to the fantasy. There is no one “right” way to celebrate the holidays. If you want to have a pleasant holiday, decide what is truly important to you and your family and concentrate on those things.

Here are a few tips that can help you minimize stress during the holidays:

• Realize that you are not alone. More than half the marriages in America end in divorce.
• Take care of yourself. In order to relax and enjoy the holidays, you need to address your personal needs. Go for a walk, get a massage, visit the gym — do whatever makes you feel better about you.
• Live in the now. It is important to put your divorce behind you so you can move on. Try not to focus on what’s missing in your holiday, but on what is there.
• Put your divorce on hold for the holidays. Try not to make major decisions related to the divorce, watch your budget and don’t make any large financial commitments, try not to dwell on the divorce or fight with your spouse. Try to focus on the joy of the holidays and make this a happy time for your children.
• Have fun. Do things that make you laugh and smile. Spend time with family and friends. Build some good memories with your children.

As you consider whether or not to embark on a collaborative divorce process, leave the past behind and look at the present and the future.

For the present, opting for a collaborative divorce can help reduce stress. Studies have shown that bad marriages and marital strife contribute to heart problems. If arguing with someone you are married to can have a negative effect on your health, just imagine what a contentious divorce can do to you. Ending the marriage may be a step toward improving your quality of life, but if you tax your health by battling throughout the process, you will wind up feeling exhausted before your new life has begun.

What you do today is laying the groundwork for your life years from now. The stresses of a bitter divorce not only poison the present, they can leave a legacy of regret in the future. Like it or not, you will remember the end of your marriage no matter how much you try to keep your mind off of this topic. Rather than groaning inwardly, you can remember how you decided to empower yourself by avoiding the negativity of a nasty divorce.

Choosing a collaborative divorce can give you a calmer today and tomorrow.

There is life after divorce, despite how you may feel now. While you’re in the throes of divorce so many aspects of your life are changing that you go into survival mode. Just getting through each day may seem to be all you can handle. Life does go on, however, and it’s necessary — and possible — to move from survive to thrive, says relationship coach Laurie Cameron. Here are her 9 secrets to living happily after divorce:

1. Accept what is. Stop dwelling on how things used to be or how you wish things were. By accepting your life the way it IS today, you gain the freedom to create the life you want.
2. Take responsibility for every area of your life. Stop blaming your ex for your problems. Taking total responsibility for your actions and responses allows you to learn from the experience and move forward.
3. Practice the two key strategies for a successful life: (1) Figure out what’s not working in your life and stop doing it. (2) Figure out what works better and start doing that instead! You need to recognize and break old patterns in order to move forward with your life.
4. Take good care of yourself. Taking care of your physical, mental and emotional health, will give you the energy and self-confidence to make positive changes in your life. You’ll also have more physical and emotional energy to help your children cope with the divorce.
5. Create a vision and focus on it. Divorce strips us of the goals, hopes and dreams that drove our lives. You need to put aside the dreams you shared with your spouse and create new ones.
6. Take action. It’s not enough to have goals or a plan, you have to ACT. It’s easy to wallow in inertia after divorce, but you must take those first shaky steps alone if you want to move forward after divorce.
7. Create a fulfilling single life. Stop pining for your dead marriage. Being single is a wonderful opportunity for personal growth. Focus on your own life and do the things that make you feel strong, powerful and happy.