Divorce Without Dishonor

This month’s Divorce Without Dishonor e-newsletter focuses on why fathers tend to disappear from their children’s lives after divorce. Known as “Ghost Dads,” they continue to send support checks but are physically absent from their children’s lives, ultimately becoming “ghosts” to their kids.  

For many dads, the separation seems to be a matter of both shame and self-preservation. In the competitive masculine world with its focus on winning, divorce is seen as failure, as losing. Post-divorce conflict over child support, parenting and visitation only augments feelings of failure. Coupled with dating, remarriage or job relocation, these factors can strain a father’s relationship with his family to the breaking point. Some men simply grow weary of fighting and give up. New girlfriends or wives can exert additional pressure on fathers to spend less time with their children. Pushing away from the pain and anger of a situation they cannot control, fathers abandon the children they love to become “ghost dads.”

The all too common phenomenon is a tragedy for the entire family, particularly the children. Collaborative divorce can create an avenue of communication and an atmosphere of respect that encourages fathers to remain a vibrant part of their children’s lives. Click here for more information on collaborative divorce.

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Separations and divorces are messy affairs. The decision to end a marriage is usually fraught with strong and conflicting emotions. Often one party is unprepared and may feel blind-sided by the announcement that the marriage is ending. Sometimes the raw emotions of separation and divorce erupt into physical or emotional abuse. Before separating, you should have a plan to ensure your safety.

These steps, suggested by counselor Jo Ann Simmons, may help you cope with separation and its emotional turmoil:

• Set up a safe environment to live in. Don’t hesitate to get help for you and your children. Good sources of help are churches, counseling centers, hot lines and community crisis centers.
• Get spiritual support. Spiritual support can help you get through the many crises that lie ahead. It can inspire you and give you much needed hope.
• Ask for and accept the help of family and friends. You can’t do this alone. You will need as much help as you can get. Give your family and friends an opportunity to show their love.
• Get professional help. Enlist the aid of a therapist or counselor to help you get through this difficult time. You’ll need a guide to help you focus on the important things and not get bogged down in unproductive emotions.
• Take care of yourself. Exercise, eat right, get your rest. You need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your children.

Guilt is a huge issue when you make the decision to divorce. You feel guilt that your marriage failed, that the family unit is disintegrating, that your children will suffer. The opportunities to experience guilt during divorce are endless, but you must overcome those feelings of guilt in order to start healing from divorce, says Dr. Paul Wanio in a recent article, Overcoming Guilt About the Divorce on the Child Centered Divorce website. Click here to read the complete article.

Your sense of guilt may be strongest where it involves your children. Dr. Wanio says it’s important to keep in mind the following:

• Nobody’s perfect and that’s OK.
• Everyone makes mistakes, even when they’re doing their best.
• Divorce is like death in that you and your children need to grieve for the losses divorce entails. Be there for your children, listen to them and try to be understanding. Let your children know it’s OK to have strong emotions and encourage them to talk about them.
• Negative comments made by your child may be an expression of distress, not criticism.  Blaming you is a coping mechanism.
• Accept that change never happens as quickly as you’d like it too. Be patient.

If your marriage fails, it’s important to protect yourself. Have an attorney draw up legal separation documents which should be signed before you move out. When you do move out, follow these helpful tips:

• If you’re renting, take your name off the lease so you won’t be liable for the rent on two places.
• Remove your name from all utilities (cable, phone, trash, electric, gas, water, sewer) so you won’t be liable for bills that accrue after you move out.
• Open a post office box and sign a change of address form to have your mail delivered there. You don’t want your spouse checking your personal mail.
• Cancel or freeze all joint credit accounts. You and your spouse remain equally liable for any charges that accrue until your divorce is finalized. You should each obtain credit cards in your own name.
• Make a copy of addresses, phone numbers, account numbers, etc. for all financial records, including tax records for the past 6 years.

You’ll find more helpful tips in the latest free online issue of the Divorce Without Dishonor newsletter. If you’re not a subscriber, click here to subscribe today.

If you’re a subscriber, look for the latest issue of the Divorce Without Dishonor newsletter in your inbox. If you haven’t subscribed yet, it’s easy. Just click this link and fill in your email information in the box in right-hand column.

In the current issue, you’ll find a fascinating article on how collaborative divorce benefits children. With 60% of American marriages ending in divorce and a third of them involving bitter conflict, often about child custody, collaborative divorce provides a much-needed positive solution. One million children will be involved in divorce this year. They are more likely to develop behavior problems, psychiatric illness and addictions. Children of divorce are 50% more likely to divorce than children from intact homes, perpetuating the cycle.

With its emphasis on children’s needs and focus on respectful communication and creative problem-solving between divorcing spouses, collaborative divorce offers real hope for breaking the cycle of divorce. Click here to read the full newsletter article.

In this issue of the Divorce Without Dishonor newsletter, you’ll also find helpful information on separating from your spouse and a tip sheet for moving out. Don’t miss your opportunity to receive our informative newsletter; sign up today.

Last time we talked about Ghost Dads, fathers who fade away after divorce (see our Feb. 4 post). In most cases fathers who stop seeing their children do so for their own emotional health and self preservation, but in doing so they place a damaging burden on their children. A friend of mine raised three girls without the involvement or support of their father. Now grown women, they continue to have self doubts and relationship issues that stem from the absence of their father as they were growing up. The following is a portion of a letter one of them recently wrote to her dad. She is now 24.

“Why don’t you ever write to me? I’ve written you letters, sent emails and birthday cards, but you never write back. Don’t you love me? Don’t you care about me? I am your daughter but I feel abandoned. Am I that unlovable? I want to get to know you again but you seem to have closed your heart. Please write back otherwise I don’t think I can keep trying. It’s just too hard.” 

The children who heal fastest from divorce are those who enjoy the love, support and involvement of both parents. As a father, it’s essential that you remain part of your children’s daily lives during and after divorce. You need to be in the crowd cheering at soccer and Little League games. You need to be in the audience at dance recitals and school programs. You need to attend parent-teacher conferences. You need to help with homework, comfort your child when they’re sick, go out for ice cream, play catch at the park — all the things you did when you lived together as a family. It’s the way you show your kids that you love them and that you’ll always be there for them.

There’s an interesting article on DadsDivorce.com entitled The Ghost Dad Phenomenon written by Sarah Hampson of The Globe and Mail (click the link to read the article). It talks about the dads who disappear after divorce. They continue to send child support, but they’re physically absent from their children’s lives. They become “ghosts” to their children. As the years go by they become a hazily remembered presence imbued with equal parts of love, anger and confusion; but for their children the ache of their loss never goes away.

The big question is why? Sure there are abusive fathers and irresponsible fathers whose children are probably better off without them. But why do fathers who love their children disappear? If they love their children, how can they hurt them by abandoning them?

As a divorced dad explains in the article, “It’s about shame.” “In the world of masculinity,” writes Ms. Hampson, “you’re either a winner or a loser … It’s black and white. Divorce is seen as failure, ergo you’re a loser. Who wants to be reminded of that?”

Post-divorce conflicts over child support, parenting and visitation, coupled with spousal criticism, dating, remarriage or job relocation can strain a father’s relationship with his family to the breaking point.

“A man feels sadness,” explains Calvin Sandborn, author of Becoming the Kind Father.  ”But on some level he thinks, ‘I’m not supposed to feel sadness,’ so the way men react is to blame the person who is making them feel sad. They get angry. There’s an adrenalin rush. And that makes them feel powerful again.”

Many fathers who feel increasing anger at their marginalization in their children’s lives respond by leaving. Ill-equipped to deal with their emotions and unable to express them, they choose to avoid them. The pain of being repeatedly reminded of what they have lost, drives them away. They push away from the pain and anger caused by a situation they cannot control and in the process abandon the children they love.

Next time: A child’s response.

It happens. Sometimes even grandparents divorce. After 30, 40 or even 50 years of marriage, whatever glue that held your parents together weakens and dissolves. While a grandparent’s divorce is not as difficult for a child as his own parents’ divorce, it is still traumatic. Here are some suggestions for helping your child cope with his grandparents’ divorce:

• Keep the lines of communication open between your child and his grandparents. Try to answer your child’s questions honestly without assigning blame.
• Don’t allow your children to become messengers for their grandparents. Your child may feel he is being asked to choose between his grandparents, causing conflicting feelings and undue stress.
• Share your own grief with your child. He needs to see that it is okay to feel loss and grief so he can understand and express his own emotions.
• Don’t force your child to talk about his feelings until he is ready. Each person processes grief in his own way and in his own time.
• Watch for significant or prolonged changes in your child’s sleeping, eating or playing habits. If your child exhibits pronounced changes or frequent moodiness over time, you should discuss his symptoms with his pediatrician.

Talking to your spouse about choosing a collaborative divorce instead of traditional adversarial litigation may take some convincing. Your spouse may not understand the benefits of collaborative divorce or may confuse it with mediation. In his/her anger or hurt, your spouse may not believe that collaborative divorce will be “fair” to them. Collaborative divorce is a newer concept, and your spouse may not even know that it is an option. 

In previous blog posts (see posts starting January 19), we’ve discussed the benefits of collaborative divorce and how to talk to your spouse. You may be surprised to find that your spouse is equally willing to embrace a divorce that avoids the emotional and economic toll of litigation, particularly if there are children involved. Your spouse may be relieved by your interest in a constructive, respectful, cooperative divorce that emphasizes productive conflict resolution, not conflict.

However, the skeptical spouse may take a little persuading. Try these suggestions to convince your spouse that collaborative divorce will benefit both of you:

• Prepare an information packet about collaborative divorce. If you have contacted a collaborative divorce attorney, they may have materials you can use. If your spouse is particularly angry or hurt, ask a trusted friend to pass along the information.
• Invite your spouse to call and talk to a collaborative divorce lawyer or coach. If you have selected a collaborative attorney, ask them to send an introductory letter and information packet to your spouse.
• Provide your spouse with a list of websites that discuss and/or offer collaborative divorce services. Give them the link to this blog and others you may have found helpful.
• Enlist the aid of your marriage counselor or your children’s counselor. First make certain the counselor is educated and can speak knowledgably about the process.
• Consider asking your church pastor or a close family member or friend to discuss the positive benefits of collaborative divorce with your spouse.

Collaborative divorce is a positive step toward a new beginning. Collaborative divorce discards the old adversarial precepts of divorce for a cooperative, problem-solving emphasis that provides you and your spouse with the skills and resources to make a healthy transition from being married to being single. Collaborative divorce does not focus on “winning,” “getting mine,” “hurting him/her,” ”keeping the children to myself,” or any of the other hurtful, divisive objectives of traditional litigation. Instead, collaborative divorce emphasizes shared values and priorities, building consensus, resolving differences, effective co-parenting and moving forward.

Collaborative divorce is a positive choice because:

• It helps you and your spouse clarify and reach consensus on personal and shared values, goals and priorities.
• It allows for creative solutions to conflicts and issues that are beyond the normal purview of the court.
• It gives you and your spouse the negotiating skills and practice to resolve differences without destructive conflict and sets a positive pattern for post-divorce interaction.
• It focuses on the needs of your children and improves your ability to co-parent after the divorce.
• It lays a foundation for future healthy communication and interaction that will allow you and your spouse to move ahead with your new lives and not be mired in the acrimony of the past.