Divorce Without Dishonor

I am glad you asked says your host and creator of the Divorce Without Dishonor Blog. About 14 years ago I sat through my first court-ordered divorce education workshop, sometimes referred to as co-parenting classes or other similar benign titles. The purpose of such programs is really to help parents to avoid contested child custody litigation by providing some information, resources and techniques to lessen or avoid parental conflict during these times of family turmoil. They are for individuals and families raising children between two homes.

Those who take this responsibility seriously can improve their parenting skills and make healthy choices regarding their children during times when it is easy to have clouded judgment. I have been to many such programs in the last 14 years that have been offered from many different groups from huge international groups such as Divorce Care to different county programs offered through the Family Services units various courts, to online programs through such organizations as Child Sharing.com.

Overall, you will find that the people who run these programs are extremely knowledgeable, very sincere and dedicated individuals who truly want to help you, and especially your children. However, they are often limited by many rules and guidelines and they have people to answer to. There are often a few layers of bureaucracy to wade through to get things done including financial constraints and budget issues. Of course everyone must always speak with political correctness and they are not permitted to answer any specific questions pertaining to the facts of your pending case. Court run programs will not permit both sides to attend the same classes and they are usually limited to two sessions of about 2-3 hours duration. While they cover a lot of ground, these programs largely are only able to scratch the surface given these limitations and there is little time to go into depth on any given topic. Question and answer sessions are minimal and limited as there is a set timed agenda to follow. Again, I applaud the dedicated people who work so hard and do such great work in helping litigants to think like parents before acting like litigants.

In my case, despite all the efforts of many people who tried to help end the nonsense, my son’s mother and I embarked on an all out full-scale custody battle that lasted for several years. To say it was hell and a life-changing event is a vast understatement.  I called it parental warfare and oh, the stories I could tell you! You see, being an attorney myself and being familiar with judges, lawyers and the court system, I knew how bad I could get screwed and it scared the hell out of me. Unfortunately, most lay people who are not extremely knowledgeable about the family law court system do not know how bad it can be and how much damage can be done until it is too late. Once you go too far down the litigation path, it is hard to retreat to normalcy.

For years I have thought, “What if these programs were taken to the next level?” What could be added to improve these programs and eliminate the roadblocks? At the extreme, I envisioned a cross between Dr. Phil and Jerry Springer replete with in-depth discussions, audience participation, guest presenters, ongoing meetings and online and other support group mechanisms. People need to hear the reality of what a contested custody battle can be like and they need to be able to openly and honestly be able to discuss it with people who will tell it like it is.

What if we didn’t have to deal with all the red tape and political correctness? What if we could break into small cohesive groups and get to the root of the problems and learn from the experiences of each other. Is all for one and one for all to cliché? What if the agenda for the evening could be partly designed by the participants?

What if all of the great books, programs and resources that have been relied on by others were shared and discussed so that participants could know where to turn to address their particular needs before having to obtain their own devastating personal experience first? For years these things have been running rampant in my mind and I am ready to take action. Are you? www.DivorceWihtoutDishonor.com/Boot-Camp

The National Academy of Sciences noted a global trend of in the number of households with fewer people, which correspond with higher divorce rates and increased consumption of water, energy and space. Between 1998 and 2002, divorces in the 12 countries studied—including United States, Brazil, Costa Rica, Mexico, South Africa, Greece and Cambodia—accounted for 7.4 million extra households.

Analysis of U.S. data for 2005 showed that divorced households used an extra 73 billion kilowatt-hours of electricity and 627 billion gallons of water compared with married households.

The researchers also compared married households in the United States with households that had weathered divorce and remarriage: The environmental footprint rose, then shrank back to that of married households. Other lifestyle trends that impact family living structures include the demise of multigenerational households, and people remaining single longer, the researchers concluded.

So if cohabitation with your ex doesn’t seem like a reasonable option, it may be worth considering sharing costs and resources with a parent, single friend, or similarly divorced family.

Collaborative divorce can set the groundwork for couples to find creative solutions to issues of property, living arrangements, and custody agreements. To find out more, contact a collaborative family lawyer. 

The disastrous economy is creating some unusual and thorny problems for divorcing couples. People who used to view their home as an asset worth fighting for, now see it as a financial liability. The question “Who gets the house?” has become a property settlement hot potato with neither side wanting to accept the financial burden of paying mortgage payments on the family home.

With property values still plummeting, many homeowners owe more on their mortgages than their homes are worth. Such negative home equity has forced some divorced couples to continue living together while they wait for their home to sell. Without money from the house sale, they can’t afford two separate households. A Boca Raton couple facing this problem has managed to live under the same roof as friends by focusing on their children and personal growth while they wait for the housing market to improve.

Collaborative divorce can set the groundwork for an amicable divorce that can allow couples to craft creative solutions to property settlement issues during these difficult economic times. To find out more, contact collaborative family lawyer Mike Mastracci in Baltimore, Maryland.

Divorce rates seem to be declining slightly. Not because people want to stay married, but because they can’t afford to get divorced. It’s an unhealthy repercussion of our current economic woes. Finances, which are the primary source of family strife, are forcing unhappy couples to remain in dysfunctional marriages.

Historically, divorce rates rise during difficult economic times. The 1997 recession brought a 17% spike in divorces. But, like the Great Depression when divorce rates fell in the 1930s, the severity of the current recession is bucking the trend. People who can barely afford to support one household can’t afford the cost of separating.

With housing prices at historic lows in a sluggish market, the sale of the family home can no longer be counted on to provide the financial capital necessary to pay attorneys’ fees and re-establish both spouses. Tight credit contributes to the financial difficulties of separating. The whole situation makes for a lot of unhappy people living together out of necessity, not love.

Collaborative divorce is the answer. Far less expensive than traditional litigation, collaborative divorce allows couples to make their own decisions, divide their property, and establish custody procedures with the help of an attorney but outside the court system. For couples desperate to end their marriage, but who worry about their financial ability to do so, collaborative divorce offers hope. To find out more and view a sample collaborative divorce document, visit my website.

A rural Cambodian couple took a King Solomon approach to divorce. In terminating their 18-year marriage they sawed in half the house they once shared. The husband and his relatives removed his half of the wood and tile structure, leaving his former wife’s half standing on the original foundations but open to the elements along one side. “Very strange,” the wife told news reporters, “but this is what my husband wanted.”

Madonna and Guy Ritchie haven’t chosen to settle their divorce in such a literal manner, but after 8 years of marriage they’re working to divide their assets. Ritchie stands to gain $60 million in the settlement on top of his personal $44 million fortune. Madonna’s net worth is estimated at between $325 and $515 million. So far there haven’t been reports of ugly squabbling in the press, but it’s still early.

If you want to avoid ugly arguments about asset and property division or child custody and visitation, you should consider a collaborative divorce. Collaborative divorce occurs outside the court room. With the help of attorneys, counselors and coaches, you and your spouse — not a judge with no knowledge of your family — make the decisions that will impact your lives and your children’s lives.

Visit our website to find out more about collaborative divorce.

Particularly in today’s struggling economy, people are conscious of every dollar they spend. Some people are trying to save on legal fees by taking a do-it-yourself approach to the law. The use of do-it-yourself legal documents such as a Living Will, Medical Power of Attorney or Promissory Note to handle highly standardized legal matters of limited scope can be effective. But where complex legal matters like divorce are concerned, you could wind up shooting yourself in the foot. Lack of legal knowledge and experience can result in unnecessary and expensive court delays, incorrect paperwork, missed deadlines, improperly filed documents — in effect, a mess. There’s a reason people say only a fool hires himself as an attorney.

There is a smart alternative for those who don’t want an expensive litigious divorce that drags through the courts. Collaborative divorce allows couples to settle out of court but with the benefit and assistance of an attorney trained in collaborative law. Collaborative divorce encourages mature, cooperative, non-combative behavior with the goal being a mutually agreeable settlement. For many, collaborative divorce allows both parties to dissolve their marriage while maintaining respect for each other and ongoing communication. Where children are involved, collaborative divorce allows them to benefit from the continued emotional and financial support of both parents.

To find out more about collaborative divorce, visit Michael Mastracci’s website.

If you are in the throes of divorce, it’s important to protect your credit. Your finances can take a real hit during divorce; and women usually suffer more than men, writes Katherine McKee for FirstWivesWorld.com (read our previous post for a review of the website). “Without a solid credit history in your own name, you won’t be able to qualify for re-financing the marital home. And you’re also likely to end up with high-interest credit cards and auto loans,” she warns.

Follow these tips to protect your credit rating during and after divorce:

• Pay off joint debts. Until they’re paid, you’re both responsible. If they can’t be paid, freeze the account so neither of you can increase the debt.
• Get a credit card in your own name, then cancel joint credit cards. Make sure you remove your name as a user on your spouse’s cards to prevent their credit issues from also being reported under your name.
• Pay off car loans and retitle each vehicle in only one name.
• If you have trouble paying monthly bills due to illness or job loss, talk to your creditors and work out a payment arrangement. Unpaid debt will be reported and can lower your credit score.

For more tips, click here to read the whole article.

You’re probably still paying Christmas bills, and tax time is already rolling around. Money — and how to save it — is on everyone’s mind. Divorce is expensive and protracted litigation can increase costs exponentially, leaving you and your spouse with staggering legal bills to contend with as you as you each struggle to begin a new phase of life. While collaborative divorce is not necessarily cheap — a lot depends on the complexity of the issues and the number of meetings required to resolve them — it does allow you to exert better control over your divorce costs.

By choosing collaborative divorce, you and your spouse make a commitment to spending your resources on your family and not on a contentious legal battle. You make a conscious decision to place the needs and support of your children above petty — and legally expensive — battling with your spouse.

Most often, children whose parents divorce face a future with significantly less financial security that children from intact marriages. It simply costs more to maintain two households than one. Funds for school trips, enriching activities, and college are often limited or non-existent. Collaborative divorce allows you and your spouse to design a child support arrangement that meets the needs of your specific family. You do not have to contend with arbitrarily imposed court requirements, but can work together to provide your children with maximum financial stability.

Divorce and financial stress seem to go hand-in-hand. Despite new laws enacted in 2005 that tightened the requirements for bankruptcy, many people still see it as an easy way out of crushing financial debt. Unfortunately, some spouses also believe bankruptcy will allow them to escape their spousal or child support obligations during and/or after divorce.

The 2005 Bankruptcy Abuse Prevention and Consumer Protection Act closed most of the loopholes that used to affect the unfair discharge of family obligations. Debtors seeking protection under bankruptcy laws must now meet a means test tied to income and debt which limits their filing choices. (Click here for a rundown on the various types of bankruptcy and how the process works.) Today, it is extremely difficult for debtors to evade their spousal and family responsibilities. Under the 2005 act, domestic support obligations cannot be discharged and must be considered a first priority claim.

There are still opportunities for abuse, however; and the prudent person will seek legal counsel if their spouse or ex files for bankruptcy. For example, secured debt receives precedence in bankruptcy proceedings, after which there may not be enough money left to fully pay non-secured debts, even first priority claims. And while a bankruptcy stay (period of time during which creditors cannot act against the debtor) no longer applies to support, domestic violence and custody matters, it does delay the distribution of property and assets.

Despite protections provided under the new 2005 act, if your spouse or ex files for bankruptcy, you should seek legal counsel to protect your rights as a creditor. You should obtain copies of your spouse’s bankruptcy schedules which disclose income, property, etc. Your attorney may need to file adversary complaints or proofs of claims to protect your interests. Under one bankruptcy plan, a debtor can still escape paying accumulated support arrears. If bankruptcy proceedings impact your divorce, it is important to consult an attorney to protect your interests and those of your children.

Marlene Browne, author of Boomer’s Guide to Divorce and The Divorce Process: Empowerment Through Knowledge has written an interesting article on the changes in bankruptcy law. To read the article on Forbes.com, click here.

Mary Whisner at shlep, the legal self-help blog, points to an article on "The Many Costs of Conflict"

What do you make of a new book on divorce for women by attorney Sherri Donovan: Hit Him Where It Hurts: The Take-No-Prisoners Guide to Divorce–Alimony, Custody, Child Support, and More.

Mary Whisner at shlep, the legal self-help blog, points to an article on "The Many Costs of Conflict" by dispute resolution consultant Stewart Levine, which describes the heavy financial, emotional, and other tolls that conflict exacts.

According to Levine, these include:

Direct Cost: Fees of lawyers and other professionals

Productivity Cost: Value of lost time. The opportunity cost of what those involved would otherwise be producing.

Continuity Cost: Loss of ongoing relationships including the "community" they embody

Emotional Cost: The pain of focusing on and being held hostage by your emotions
It made me wonder what shlep and Levine would make of a new book on divorce for women by attorney Sherri Donovan: Hit Him Where It Hurts: The Take-No-Prisoners Guide to Divorce–Alimony, Custody, Child Support, and More.

The pugilistic theme doesn’t end with the title: the book jacket is adorned with a photo of a blood-red boxing glove. Chapters include "Are You Ready to Rumble?", "Divorce Ain’t for Sissies", "Sizing Up Your Opponent", "Conditioning for the Fight of Your Life", and "Psyching Up for the Fight".

It should leave us all asking what kind of casualties result when divorce is framed as either prizefight or combat.