Divorce Without Dishonor

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

John Edwards is in the hot seat today because of the many poor decisions he made. His judgment, integrity and credibility are being questioned. His decisions regarding taking responsibility for a child he fathered while already married are being rebuked. His professional career is on the line.

There is much we can all learn from John Edward’s mistakes. And despite all his errors, there’s something we can take away that is important for all of us to remember: It’s never too late to get it right – when your children are at stake!

For John, that may mean full disclosure to both his wife and mistress, cleaning the slate and accepting full responsibility for all of his actions – and their consequences.

For many of us, the actions may be more subtle and less dramatic – but they’re important to attend to nevertheless.

In the heat of the divorce drama, we may have settled for a decision or two that we later regretted and still feel resentful. Or we made a child-related agreement that, in hindsight, was not in our child’s best interest – but we don’t know quite how to remedy the situation.

Perhaps we lost our tempers at an inappropriate time and watched our children painfully internalize the experience.

Maybe we referred to our ex in a rather unflattering way only to find our child get very upset and storm away in anger.

While some legal issues will only result in legal resolution, there are many post-divorce relationship decisions involving our children that we can remedy! And it’s never too late to make amends.

If you have found that your children are suffering or hurting due to a decision you made when you were more motivated by anger than by positive parenting and are now having regrets – take action.

That can mean having a heart-to-heart with your children and apologizing for behavior or statements you made that created pain in their lives. Take responsibility, own those choices, and humbly explain that you made an error and now want to make some changes.

That may translate into letting them spend more time with their other parent … no longer bad-mouthing your ex in front of the kids … inviting your ex to a holiday or school event with the children … encourage the kids to have a visit with their “other” grandparents … you get the idea.

Perhaps it means a straight-talk conversation with your ex that opens the door to better, more cooperative communication, trust and co-parenting. Or apologizing for harsh words and insults.

Yes, this can be amazingly difficult to do from an ego perspective. But when you think about how much joy it can mean to your children when they see both of their parents getting along — it’s more than worth the swallowing of your pride. Chances are your ex will swallow some too – and be receptive to working things out in a more mature manner.

If you have nothing to “own” and all the tension and mistakes rest solely on the shoulders of your ex, try approaching them in a different way, focusing exclusively on the emotional needs of the children, and reaching out a hand in peace.

There’s no guarantee this will work – and we all know some certified jerks out there of both genders – with John Edwards being a prime example! But don’t give up – ever! Times change, people can change, and change may be just what your family needs so you can create a better outcome for the children you love.

When you take the “high” road and model responsible, effective behavior, you are giving your children the gift of learning how to do that themselves. It’s a gift that will pay off for you and them many times in the years ahead. One day your children will thank you for making things “right.” They’ll acknowledge you for being such a model Mom or Dad, despite the challenges you faced. And believe me, you will be proud of the parent you worked so hard to become.

I hope John Edwards heeds this advice and immediately starts taking constructive steps  that move him in the right direction – to honor the children he presently has with his wife, and the new daughter who will grow up calling him Dad!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide™ to Preparing Your Children — with Love! For free articles, her blog, coaching, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Marriage these days is a 50-50 proposition. According to U.S. census figures, 50% of marriages fail between people 45 and younger. Divorce rates are somewhat better for couples 60 and older, only 36%. Divorce has the reputation of being a vicious, no-holds-barred, tooth and claw fight with the spoils — including children — going to the victor. It’s a scenario continually played out on the silver screen, TV and celebrity gossip magazines.

The reality of litigated divorce is usually less dramatic than the Hollywood fiction, but just as devastating to the couple and their children. The problem lies in the very nature of litigation which pits one side against the other. The implication, even in no-fault-divorces, is that one side is right, the other wrong. Divorce is rarely that simple.

Fed up with legal battles and high fees, a growing number of people are turning to collaborative divorce as an alternative to litigation. Collaborative divorce brings the parties together in an atmosphere of respect to divide their property and determine how they will continue to parent their children. Each spouse has an attorney who is committed to reaching an agreement outside the courtroom. The emphasis is on building a mutually-agreeable foundation for the future that allows each partner to move forward while retaining his rights and involvement as a parent.

Visit Mike Mastracci’s website for more information on collaborative divorce.

Two years ago actress Kate Hudson and Black Crowes frontman Chris Robinson divorced after six years of marriage. It’s one of the few Hollywood divorces that hasn’t left a swath of painfully public accusations and hateful recriminations in its wake. Hudson and Robinson continue to have an amicable relationship, a boon for four-year-old son Ryder who is able to enjoy the love and support of both parents.

“It’s important for Ryder to hear me say how wonderful Chris is, and how much Chris misses him. I married Chris, I had a baby with Chris, Chris will be in my life for the rest of my life,” Hudson explained in an interview with Cosmopolitan magazine (October 2008).

By putting the needs of their child first, Hudson and Ryder have effectively achieved the goal of collaborative divorce. Collaborative divorce encourages mature, cooperative, non-combative behavior that allows both parties to achieve a mutually agreeable settlement. Agreements are reached with the help of lawyers but outside of the courtroom. Collaborative divorce allows both parties to maintain control of the process and come to terms quickly and without the emotional rancor that is so damaging to both children and parents.

Click here to find out more about collaborative divorce.

You may not have hordes of paparazzi camped outside your door trying to capture your every move and utterance, ready to broadcast it to the world, but you might as well when you get a divorce. In most states, anyone can sit in the courtroom and watch and listen to your divorce hearings and trial. In fact, there are usually other litigants and attorneys in the courtroom waiting for their turn to be called before the judge. Then there are the people who just enjoy the drama of court, who sit in the audience hoping for a juicy tidbit to share with friends.

The majority of states put courthouse records online where personal information from your divorce is available to casual web surfers, data collectors, identity thieves and the media. With some exceptions, anyone can go to your local courthouse and view your complete court divorce file. Every angry word, every ill-considered statement, every embarrassing accusation, even your private financial information – if it’s part of your court record, it’s available for all to see — and use. Even if you and your spouse settle before you go to trial, as many divorces do, all the information entered into the court record becomes part of the court file and is available for public scrutiny.

Because it takes place entirely outside the court system, collaborative divorce files can never become part of the public record. When an agreement is reached, your collaborative attorney needs to file only the barest minimum of information required by law to record your divorce. To the maximum degree permitted by law, your personal affairs and information are protected and remain private. Something to think about.

***excerpted from The New York Times, February 27, 2007:

ALBANY, Feb. 26