Divorce Without Dishonor

Some people think that a collaborative divorce is for the weak or for those who don’t have the guts to duke it out it court. This could not be further from the truth. It truly takes courage to forego the traditional divorce facilitated by the court system and try something different. It takes a lot of guts for two people to decide that they don’t want to fight, and that they’d prefer to come together and dissolve a marriage themselves.

When you go to divorce court, a lawyer speaks for you. When you embark on a collaborative divorce, you get to speak for yourself. The two sides make their own decisions about how things will end, rather than leaving it up to a third party.

A judge is supposed to be impartial, but we are all human, and none of us is free from bias. Plus, there is always part of the story that gets left out or overlooked. If the two people involved in a marriage are the ones deciding the terms to end it, they at least come to the table an awareness of all that has past between them. Who better than the people involved to decide the next steps?

The Secret by Rhonda Byrne is the latest pop culture guide to life. Read and talked about by everyone from Ophra to my sister, The Secret is said to reveal the most powerful law of the universe, to offer a life-changing path to universal joy and peace. Without judging the mysticism of The Secret, I find value in the author’s idea that there are certain words we can say to each other that have the power to change our lives for the better.

“Thank you” are the two words Byrne believes can bring you “absolute joy and happiness.” In The Secret Scrolls she writes that the words “thank you” are “Two words that will create miracles in your life…. Gratitude is one of the easiest and most powerful ways to transform your life.”

Saying “thank you” is one of the oldest and most common of social courtesies. We thank the grocery cashier for handing us our change. We thank strangers for holding the door as we enter a building. We thank the waiter at our favorite eatery for bringing our food. We say “thank you” to total strangers countless times a day. It’s a rote response, the automatic acknowledgment of common courtesy.

Yet, how often do we thank the people who matter most in our lives? How often do we thank our spouse for their contributions to the family? When was the last time you thanked your spouse for cooking dinner? When was the last time you said “thank you” when your spouse brought home a paycheck or sent the child support payment? Have you ever thanked your spouse for driving the kids’ carpool? What about for mowing the lawn, seeing that there are clean clothes in the closet, reading to the kids, helping with their homework, etc. Every day we do hundreds of things that show our love and support for each other and our families but most go unrecognized. We take the everyday actions of family life for granted.

Perhaps it’s time we afforded our families the same courtesy we give to strangers every day of the week. Starting today, recognize the contributions your spouse makes to family life. Say “thank you” for all the little ways they show their love and support. Acknowledge their efforts and show them how much you appreciate what they do. Make a conscious effort to say “thank you” for the small contributions as well as the big ones. It will make a difference and, I believe, will change your life for the better. 

Before most people divorce, one of the people generally moves out in order to avoid exacerbating the situation and to try and distance both parties from interactions that continue to plague the marriage.  It is the stage where the two people are not really married, but not yet divorced. 

If you are the person who has elected to move out or is thinking of it, you should be careful because moving out at this time, without a separation agreement might set a precedent for what is awarded in the divorce.  For example, if you own a home, do not give up your rights before divorce papers are drawn up! 

The first step in separating from your spouse, before doing anything, is to find out what the laws are in your state.  Although it is possible to do this on your own and draw up your own separation papers, it is advisable to consult with an attorney who can draw up the papers so you can best protect yourself. 

The reason for considering making a separation legal before making any specific moves is that this protects your with regard to child custody and support, taxes, and any new debts.   A legal separation also helps you set the stage for negotiating the final divorce settlement.  Both the states of Maryland and Virginia recognize the legal documentation of separation.

Holidays are stressful times for children and adults, particularly during divorce. With your own turbulent emotions, it can be especially difficult to cope with your children when they act out. Child-centered divorce advocate Rosalind Sedacca offers three tips for coping when your children act out.

1. Diffuse blame. It’s normal for older children, particularly pre-teens and teens, to blame one parent for the divorce. Sometimes blame is warranted (alcoholism, absent parent, domestic violence, etc.). Some children may side with the parent they feel closest to. Occasionally, one parent will bad mouth the other in an attempt to manipulate their children’s affections. No matter the cause, keep your cool. “In many cases blaming is a defense against feeling overwhelmed by the circumstances in your child’s life,” Sedacca explains. Be patient when you talk with your child. Tell them you love them and that you are sorry they are hurt. Your child is not rejecting you; he is expressing his hurt. Your compassion and patience will help your child cope.
2. Counter distress. Your child’s negative comments are his way of expressing his frustration and distress about the divorce. His critical comments are a distress call you need to answer. “This is a time to reinforce your comments about the key messages every child needs to hear,” says Sedacca: I love you. I will keep you safe. I will not leave you. You are not to blame.
3. Patient acceptance. The best thing you can do to help your child cope with divorce is to continue normal family activities, talk when they want to talk, hug and cuddle them, tell them every day that you love them. “Most importantly,” says Sedacca, “accept and acknowledge whatever they share with you as okay for them to feel.”

Divorce coaches are important members of the professional team that assists divorcing spouses in a collaborative divorce. Each spouse retains his/her own divorce coach. The primary role of a divorce coach is to help each spouse deal with the emotional impact of divorce in a positive and effective way.

Mental health professionals with specialized training in collaborative law, divorce coaches help their clients refocus emotion-based thinking so they can make effective decisions and set positive goals that will benefit the entire family, particularly the children, both during and after divorce. Unlike a therapist who works to uncover the source of a problem, the divorce coach is a problem solver who empowers you to act.

Fear, anger and a desire for retribution or revenge are normal emotions when a couple divorces. Unfortunately, out-of-control emotions create huge stumbling blocks to resolving divorce and child custody issues. A divorce coach can help you understand, accept and refocus your emotions into a positive plan of action.

Generally, each spouse meets with his/her divorce coach separately before and/or after collaborative team meetings. Coaches may also accompany their clients to team meetings. A divorce coach can help you:

• determine and stay focused on achieving your goals,
• sort out your emotions and separate them from the decisions you need to make,
• teach you effective self-management techniques that can help you express yourself more effectively when talking to your spouse,
• teach you effective negotiation techniques that can help you achieve your goals,
• provide effective problem-solving tools to promote positive communication with your spouse and reduce misunderstandings, and
• assist you in developing creative solutions to emotionally charged issues.

A divorce coach can help you develop effective communication, negotiation and problem-solving skills that can help you in future communications with your spouse and can be invaluable as you parent your children after divorce.