Divorce Without Dishonor

I am glad you asked says your host and creator of the Divorce Without Dishonor Blog. About 14 years ago I sat through my first court-ordered divorce education workshop, sometimes referred to as co-parenting classes or other similar benign titles. The purpose of such programs is really to help parents to avoid contested child custody litigation by providing some information, resources and techniques to lessen or avoid parental conflict during these times of family turmoil. They are for individuals and families raising children between two homes.

Those who take this responsibility seriously can improve their parenting skills and make healthy choices regarding their children during times when it is easy to have clouded judgment. I have been to many such programs in the last 14 years that have been offered from many different groups from huge international groups such as Divorce Care to different county programs offered through the Family Services units various courts, to online programs through such organizations as Child Sharing.com.

Overall, you will find that the people who run these programs are extremely knowledgeable, very sincere and dedicated individuals who truly want to help you, and especially your children. However, they are often limited by many rules and guidelines and they have people to answer to. There are often a few layers of bureaucracy to wade through to get things done including financial constraints and budget issues. Of course everyone must always speak with political correctness and they are not permitted to answer any specific questions pertaining to the facts of your pending case. Court run programs will not permit both sides to attend the same classes and they are usually limited to two sessions of about 2-3 hours duration. While they cover a lot of ground, these programs largely are only able to scratch the surface given these limitations and there is little time to go into depth on any given topic. Question and answer sessions are minimal and limited as there is a set timed agenda to follow. Again, I applaud the dedicated people who work so hard and do such great work in helping litigants to think like parents before acting like litigants.

In my case, despite all the efforts of many people who tried to help end the nonsense, my son’s mother and I embarked on an all out full-scale custody battle that lasted for several years. To say it was hell and a life-changing event is a vast understatement.  I called it parental warfare and oh, the stories I could tell you! You see, being an attorney myself and being familiar with judges, lawyers and the court system, I knew how bad I could get screwed and it scared the hell out of me. Unfortunately, most lay people who are not extremely knowledgeable about the family law court system do not know how bad it can be and how much damage can be done until it is too late. Once you go too far down the litigation path, it is hard to retreat to normalcy.

For years I have thought, “What if these programs were taken to the next level?” What could be added to improve these programs and eliminate the roadblocks? At the extreme, I envisioned a cross between Dr. Phil and Jerry Springer replete with in-depth discussions, audience participation, guest presenters, ongoing meetings and online and other support group mechanisms. People need to hear the reality of what a contested custody battle can be like and they need to be able to openly and honestly be able to discuss it with people who will tell it like it is.

What if we didn’t have to deal with all the red tape and political correctness? What if we could break into small cohesive groups and get to the root of the problems and learn from the experiences of each other. Is all for one and one for all to cliché? What if the agenda for the evening could be partly designed by the participants?

What if all of the great books, programs and resources that have been relied on by others were shared and discussed so that participants could know where to turn to address their particular needs before having to obtain their own devastating personal experience first? For years these things have been running rampant in my mind and I am ready to take action. Are you? www.DivorceWihtoutDishonor.com/Boot-Camp

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT.

Statistics bear it out. Every January the number of couples filing for divorce rises dramatically. And this year the numbers seem to be even higher. When you think about it, the reason comes as no surprise. Many couples considering splitting decide to wait until after the holidays to break the news to their children. Others wait to take advantage of year-end job bonuses so they’ll have the extra funds to cover attorney, moving and other related expenses.

Regardless, it’s not the why that should be concerning us at this time – it’s the how. How are these couples, if they are parents, going to approach their separation or divorce – and how will it affect their innocent children?

I, too, planned my separation at this time of year more than a decade ago. My son was eleven at the time. We told him a couple of days after Christmas but didn’t make the physical split until February 1st.

These winter separations can be especially difficult for children coming as it does in the middle of the school year. Parents need to bend over backwards to minimize the changes and transitions in their child’s life so as to keep school-related schedules, after-school activities, playtime with friends and other routines as much the same as possible.

Choosing to co-parent, my former husband and I each maintained a residence, intentionally located within a mile or two of each other. Our son got off the school bus at one house or the other, with little disruption of his normal routine.

At the end of the school year one of his teachers came up to me saying she just learned that my husband and I split up in February. She said she was quite surprised because my son didn’t skip a beat in school. He still maintained his straight As. You can’t imagine how gratifying that was for me.

Little did I know then that a decade later I would be writing a book and devoting my life to alerting parents about the pitfalls of divorce if their decisions are not child-centered.

My advice is simple, but not always easy. Put yourself in your child’s place and feel the insecurity, fear, anxiety, guilt and shame that your child may be experiencing. Make decisions based on how he or she is going to look back and remember these next several years.

• Did you put their physical, emotional and psychological needs first?
• Did you respect the fact that children innately love both parents and are wounded when one of them is disparaged, regardless of your personal perspective about it?
• Did you force your child to be a spy or go-between, taking on responsibilities that children should not bear?
• Did you ask your child to choose between loving Mom or Dad, or take sides in any way?
• Did you keep their other parent from active participation in their life because you wanted to hurt your spouse?

These are destructive behaviors and decisions often made without considering the effects on the children who are inevitably scarred from the inside out. And they need not take place. It’s not divorce per se that harms children, I firmly believe. It’s the parent’s approach to divorce that makes all the difference in the world. How are you approaching these challenges?

Supported by my Child-Centered Divorce network, website, ezine, blog and other resources, my mission is clear: to encourage parents in consciously choosing to create a collaborative, harmonious Child-Centered Divorce which will benefit the entire family for months, years and decades to come. My son is proof that it can work successfully.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

By Michael A. Mastracci

Chances are that if you are going through a separation or divorce with children stuck in the middle and if you are reading articles, blog posts, searching the net, hitting the library, buying books, talking to counselors and looking for peaceful alternatives to contested litigation such as mediation and collaborative divorce —- you get it. It’s about the children, not about you or your ex. Unfortunately, all too often one side “gets it” and other parent can’t or won’t bring themselves to take the fight out of the conflict and truly focus on what is best for the children. A common theme in marriage and divorce is that “It takes two.” It is no different when trying to end the acrimony and developing a post-separation parenting plan that works.

In my book, Stop Fighting Over The Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations , there is a chapter entitled Getting On Board that provides useful tips and tricks to lure the other parent onto the right path. One suggestion is to send the other parent books and resources that you think would help IF he/she would follow the advice provided. Often, curiosity alone will get them to read and often they my find your gesture as an insult or an act of sarcasm and they, in turn, might pick out things that they think YOU should read. Regardless of the motives, the act of looking through information from experts is a worthwhile endeavor in which osmosis might be the only way positive information flows in both directions.

What if there were a service available where you could contact experts and tell them the problems and challenges that you face in dealing with your ex and they would contact the other parent and request to hear things from their perspective and offer to assist without representing either party. Imagine if both of you felt comfortable enough to participate on group conference calls with experts who would offer suggestions and resources that were appropriate for one or both parties in many given situations. The call would have other similarly situated people on the line too. Chances are that if either party receives a letter along with information, resources and an offer to join in on a call, that they would do so, perhaps. Even if they participate only to try and convince the listeners how wrong you are and how right they are. You can’t get through to the other side alone. Getting both parents engaged in the process of conflict resolution is no easy task. People heal at different paces; they express anger, hurt and pain differently at times as well. It’s not easy. While you may understandably not be of the proper mind set to worry about how the other side is doing as they continue to make life miserable for you, it would really be worth your time and effort to do whatever you can do to get them on board as soon as possible. We welcome your comments and suggestions on ways to help the other side turn toward peaceful resolution and to get on with the business of parenting.

By Michael A. Mastracci

By now you may have heard of collaborative divorce in the news and around the blogosphere. Collaborative law is a trend that has taken hold and is perhaps at the tipping point of becoming a readily available mainstream method for separating and divorcing couples. There are many incentives and rewards for sticking with the process.

In its simplest of explanations two divorcing spouses who each select collaboratively trained attorneys agree, along with their respective counsel, to settle the couple’s issues outside of court. The four people work together to find solutions that are acceptable to all concerned. They sign a contract in the form of a participation agreement, which is the cornerstone of the collaborative process. If for some reason, one or both of the parties decide that they no longer desire to resolve their disputes outside of court, neither of the two collaborative attorneys can represent their clients in any contested case.

At its origin in 1990, collaborative law was invented by Stuart G. Webb out of a divorce attorney’s frustration and disgust of seeing families torn apart by the adversarial divorce system. While the mechanics of the process may vary some, the collaborative methods are beneficial in many ways. Generally great care is taken to ensure that your children are kept out of potential conflict and that the controversy is kept to a minimum between the parties. There is no question that in a collaborative resolution you will maintain far greater control of the outcome of your divorce than you will by engaging one another in contested litigation. It is generally less expensive and quicker than litigation and helps to maintain a sense of integrity and respect between you and your former partner, which is especially important when children are involved.

When collaborative law first started it involved two attorneys and two clients. Later, if a need arose that the attorneys thought would be better addressed by another collaborative professional they would all agree to utilize the services of such professionals. These professionals may include, but are not limited to, divorce coaches, therapists, social workers, child specialists, financial neutrals and financial planners. In litigation, each side hires his or her hired gun to further that side’s “position.” In collaborative negotiations the professional becomes an aid to the process and thereby assists both parties and the attorneys to reach successful outcomes.

In recent years there has been a strong movement toward a “team approach” in collaborative law. On the one end more and more attorneys are becoming comfortable in inviting other professionals to assist, subject to the client’s approval.  However, at the other end of the spectrum there are many attorneys who will not participate in the traditional two lawyer- two client model. These collaborative attorneys push the team onto the field and basically tell the prospective clients to play with the team or play with yourself. In other words, it resembles a take it or leave it proposition. It is this writer’s opinion that what is right for many people is something in the middle and that is one of the benefits of the process – it can be made to suit your family’s individual needs. How many professionals will it take for your collaborative divorce to be a success?

By Michael A. Mastracci.

In a recent blog search I stumbled upon a quote that may be of interest if you have children, especially young children, and you are going through a moderate to high- conflict divorce. Nearly 20 years ago a well known Canadian jurist, the Honorable Justice John Gomery stated, “Hatred is not an emotion that comes naturally to a child. It has to be taught. A parent who would teach a child to hate the other parent represents a grave and persistent danger to the mental and emotional health of that child.” The case that led to the above comment involved four children caught up in a heated custody battle between their parents whereby the children became “catastrophically” alienated from their mother. How does that happen?

When you think of young children, their innocence and their sponge-like quest for learning, it is no wonder that they are so affected by their parents’ anger and hostility especially when directed against their other parent. It’s one thing to say or do a few things that may not win you the Good Parenting Seal during a contentious divorce, but it is quite another to deliberately poison and pollute a child’s mind. If only we could truly love our children more than we may dislike the other parent.

Most people would agree that children do not belong in adult conflicts. However, it happens all the time and it needs to stop. We as parents need to become aware of the damage that we can do to our children when we allow them to participate in the intense conflict of divorce. We also need to learn how to protect the children when the other parent just does not “get it.”

It may seem ironic coming from a divorce attorney, but if people spent only a fraction of their time and money otherwise wasted on the fight in more pro-active and productive ways their children would be so much better off. Moderate to high conflict cases may be tempered and tamed if all concerned adopt a collaborative and therapeutic approach or at least knew about the alternatives. Individual Therapy, counseling, psychotherapy, meds, mediation, family counseling and the like are better uses of time and money than litigation fees and practices. Read, learn and educate yourself on the different aspects of divorce and more importantly do the same with parenting. Some of the best ways to shield your children from the pain of the divorce and “picking sides” or being “caught in the middle” involve improving yourself and to the extent possible, encouraging the other parent to do the same.

Our children will grow up one day and statistically speaking they have at least a fifty percent chance of divorcing their spouse. What will they remember from all they learned as children of separation and divorce? When it comes to teaching our children about the way people are supposed to get along, like charity, it begins at home.

By Mike Mastracci

Divorce happens. Although it is hardly ever easy, there are easy ways and then there is the hard way, a contested court trial. Some of the easier ways involve methods such as mediation, collaborative divorce, negotiated settlements and the like. There are tons of articles and books written about how to have a peaceful or at least a civil divorce. But, there isn’t a lot out here that really explains what a contested divorce or child custody case entails. Many basic questions are full of answers that include words and phrases like “depends” and “what ifs.” Therefore, may I ask you a few questions about what you expect to encounter in pursuing a litigated case?

What is the attorney’s hourly rate? Is $300.00 an hour the going rate in this area? More? How many hours will the attorney have to work before it is over? How much do I need upfront? Will my lawyer keep me informed of everything?  What kind of support staff is there at the attorney’s office? What is the lawyer’s current case-load? How long does it take to get a trial date? Can it be postponed and if so for how long? How much time might I miss from work to attend meetings with my attorney or to attend depositions and court hearings? What is a deposition? How much does a deposition cost? Do I have to pay for the transcripts too? Is it true that the transcripts can cost around three to four dollars a page (with double or triple spacing and  huge margins)? How do I know if my lawyer sucks? Is the other lawyer any good and does he or she make it a practice to be difficult? What Judge will we get? Does the judge typically favor men over women? Women over men?  How many such cases has the judge heard? How many such cases has my lawyer had? What if we don’t like the judge? Worse yet, what if the judge doesn’t like me or my lawyer, or both, will that matter at all? Might I get stuck paying all or part of my ex’s attorney fees? Why? Do I really have to answer all these menacing questions under oath? Why can’t I just use notarized statements from people? Will I really have to produce all of my financial records for the last 5 years? What happens if I refuse to cooperate in the discovery process? What does the discovery process include? What if they don’t answer our questions or if they lie or fail to produce things we have requested.  Can they take depositions of my family, friends and co-workers and even make them come to court? Is all this personal stuff really public record? Why does my past criminal record matter? What is the reason I would have to pay alimony, can I get Alimony? Do men ever get alimony? How do we split up pensions and retirement accounts before they mature? Will my kids have a say in what they want? Can I lose custody? How much child support will I have to pay or what can I get for support if the kids are with me? How much does the amount of time we each have with the kids influence child support? How come the more questions I ask the more questions come to mind? Get the point?

If you are feeling the urge to make your divorce or child custody situation more difficult than it needs to be you would serve yourself well to start with questions similar to those above. Then, ask yourself, “why go there” ?

I stumbled upon a quote, while reading some other blogs, that may be of interest if you have children, especially young children, and you are going through a moderate to high-conflict divorce. Nearly 20 years ago a well known Canadian Jurist, The Honorable Justice John Gomery stated “Hatred is not an emotion that comes naturally to a child. It has to be taught. A parent who would teach a child to hate the other parent represents a grave and persistent danger to the mental and emotional health of that child.” The case that led to the above comment involved four children caught up in a heated custody battle between their parents whereby the children became “CATASTROPHICALLY” alienated from their mother. How does that happen?

When you think of young children, their innocence and their sponge-like quest for learning, it is no wonder that they are so affected by their parents’ anger and hostility. It’s one thing to say or do a few things that may not win you the good parenting seal during a contentious divorce, but it is quite another to deliberately poison and pollute a child’s mind. If only we could truly love our children more than we may dislike the other parent.

Most people would agree that children do not belong in adult conflicts. However, it happens all the time. It needs to stop. We as parents need to become aware of the damage that we can do to our children when we allow them to participate in the conflict of divorce. We also need to learn how to protect the children when the other parent just does not “get it.”

It may seem ironic coming from a divorce attorney, but if people spent only a fraction of their time and money otherwise wasted on the fight, in more pro-active and productive ways, their children would be so much better off. Moderate to high-conflict cases may be tempered and tamed if all concerned adopt a collaborative and therapeutic approach. Individual therapy, counseling, psychotherapy, mediation, family counseling and the like are better uses of time and money than litigation fees and practices. Read, learn, and educate yourself on divorce and parenting. Some of the best ways to shield your children from the pain of the divorce and “picking sides” or being “caught in the middle” involve improving yourself and to the extent possible, encouraging the other parent to do the same.

Our children will grow up one day and statistically speaking they have at least a fifty percent chance of divorcing their spouse. What will they remember from all they learned as children of separation and divorce? When it comes to teaching our children about the way people are supposed to get along, like charity and relationships, it begins at home.

You’re getting divorced and you’re angry, resentful, hurt, vindictive or any combination of other painful emotions. You want to lash out, to get back at your spouse or boost your own sense of esteem. Hiring the most aggressive litigious divorce lawyer you can find seems like your smartest choice. Your ex is in for a fight!

If you’re a parent who is thinking along those lines, you’re making a choice you may long regret.
 
If you choose a lawyer who directs you straight into a vicious court battle, the costs to you will be insurmountable – not only in financial outlay, but in emotional turmoil as well. Think long and hard before you move your divorce battle into the legal system. It is likely to take its toll on every member of your family – including your children – in the most destructive and gut-wrenching ways. It happens all the time. But it need not happen to you.

When you give your divorce outcome over to the courts, you are paving the way to unimaginable stress and frustration compounded by a sense of powerlessness that is hard to comprehend until you are in its grips. As you stand by and watch attorneys and judges make decisions about your life and your future you can’t help but feel violated and helpless. The taste of revenge that you were after can easily turn into anxiety and shock when issues get twisted and victors become victims right before your eyes. The consequences can play out for years, and often decades, to come.
 
Sadly, your children are not protected from the emotional and psychological repercussions. When custody decisions are made by those who are focused more on financial issues than family issues, children’s needs often get pushed aside in favor of other objectives. Relationships, balance and good will are not prime objectives in the battle of divorce, and the scars on your children’s psyches are often overlooked in the legal blood-bath that ensues.

There are other ways. Better ways. And more ways than ever before to create a divorce that respects the rights of every one in the family.

Before engaging that “killer” attorney, talk to a Collaborative Divorce attorney who specializes in creating peaceful outcomes without going to court. Collaborative Lawyers are trained to use their own special skills along with the aid of financial planners, therapists, mediators and other resources to bring both sides into conversation about win-win outcomes. Children’s needs get high consideration.

Certified Mediators offer another opportunity to create a fair settlement without litigation at a considerable cost savings. Many mediators are former divorce attorneys who have battled it out in court and know there are saner solutions for all concerned. They care about creating peaceful resolutions.

Learn from the lessons and mistakes of others. If you want to save yourself considerable expense – both emotionally and financially – and if you want your children to thank you when they are grown up for creating a civilized, sensible, harmonious divorce – make the right decisions today. Stay out of court. Stay out of the hands of killer attorneys. Stay in the good graces of your children. Create a Child-Centered Divorce – and reap the rewards for years to come!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

When going through a divorce, the desire to lay blame is strong, and of course, natural. But in order to learn and grow from the situation, and truly heal, we need to look inside of ourselves.  When we can ask ourselves what our contributions to the situation have been, then we’re ready to take an honest look at exactly how we participated in and co-created our divorce drama.  Then we’re ready to release our anger and move forward without dragging the past behind us.

By taking responsibility for our part in the situation, we can make peace with our past, and use it to improve our future.  Looking at the whole picture, we will hopefully see how we chose the perfect partner to teach us the perfect lessons for our highest growth. And if there are children involved, we will be able to see that when we are the best we can be, we can give them the parents they deserve.

Our book about collaborative divorce, “STOP Fighting Over The Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations” is available now, exclusively at Amazon.com. To find out more about the book and to sign up to receive a free chapter visit the STOP Fighting Over The Kids book website. 

Max Sindell is a young man in his early twenties who has written a book for children titled, The Bright Side: Surviving Your Parents’ Divorce.

Sindell was six when his parents divorced. Over the next many years he experienced a wide array of significant divorce issues that affect so many families. These include coping with his parents’ arguments with and about one another, adjusting to travel between homes, remarriage, step siblings and juggling holidays and other special events. He wrote the book to help children identify their “voice” about all these issues. He also wants to show children ways to find the good that can come through and from divorce.

“The book is really supposed to be a quick handbook for making the most out of divorce and making it so that it’s the least of your problems,” Sindell says.  

Sindell uses his own life lessons to walk children through the “downsides” of divorce, and focuses on ways to best handle them. In his chapter titled, “The Good News and the Bed News,” he says “I’d honestly say that my parents’ divorce is one of the best things to ever happen to me in my entire life: That’s the good news.” “On the other hand, divorce can make you wake up one morning realizing how much everything sucks,” he also adds.

Other topics he discusses include: “You Are Never Going to Have One Home Again” and “Your Parents Are Going to Fight.” But within each discussion he also provides positive observations, such as learning how to travel at a young age and developing more independence.

Within the book Sindell also offers his personal bill of rights for divorced children. These are worth discussing with your children. It reminds them that they are not alone in what they are going through. And is empowers them to learn that they deserve and are entitled to “rights” as they move through and beyond the divorce. Let me share the first five with you, which Sindell says children should actually require to be part of their parents’ divorce agreement.

THE DIVORCED KIDS’ BILL OF RIGHTS
(Excerpt from The Bright Side: Surviving Your Parents’ Divorce)
I. The Right to Be Safe and Feel Safe – A child should feel safe and secure. If there ever is a time you don’t feel safe, tell your parents, and if you can’t tell them, tell a counselor or tell a friend. This is your most important right.

II. The Right to Awareness – Every child has a right to know what is going on. Your parents should not lie to you or hide the truth from you about anything to do with you. While some things should remain private between your parents until you are older, if they’re having a discussion about your schedule, you have the right to know and to make your voice heard.

III. The Right to Counseling – Divorce can make you feel like you don’t have a say and don’t make a difference, and that’s exactly where a counselor comes in. A counselor should be someone whom you can talk to privately, without your parents there, and who can help you with your situation.
School counselors are not the only people you can talk to. Adult friends of the family who are unbiased, or the parents of good friends of yours, are also good people to talk to.

IV. The Right to Be Heard – Sometimes, when your parents are trying to sort out what they think is best for you, they can forget to listen to the most important person: You! If you can’t get them to listen to you by yourself, it’s important to have someone — a counselor or a friend — talk for you.

V. The Right to Be Your Own Person – Before your parents were divorced, there was you, your mom, your dad, and the other people in your family. The same is true now. Your parents have to respect your right to feel the way you feel. In dealing with stepparents, or the people your parents are dating, your rights stand. You must tell both your parents and their friends when any boundaries are crossed. If those boundaries are crossed in a major way, and you don’t feel safe, tell a counselor.

Put yourself in your child’s shoes and give these Rights some serious consideration before making any further decisions affecting your children. Talk to your children about what this means. It might open the door to some very meaningful conversations about topics you’ve never before discussed. Empowered children are happier children — less resentful and less likely to act out to get your attention. Isn’t that what you really want?

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.