Divorce Without Dishonor

I am glad you asked says your host and creator of the Divorce Without Dishonor Blog. About 14 years ago I sat through my first court-ordered divorce education workshop, sometimes referred to as co-parenting classes or other similar benign titles. The purpose of such programs is really to help parents to avoid contested child custody litigation by providing some information, resources and techniques to lessen or avoid parental conflict during these times of family turmoil. They are for individuals and families raising children between two homes.

Those who take this responsibility seriously can improve their parenting skills and make healthy choices regarding their children during times when it is easy to have clouded judgment. I have been to many such programs in the last 14 years that have been offered from many different groups from huge international groups such as Divorce Care to different county programs offered through the Family Services units various courts, to online programs through such organizations as Child Sharing.com.

Overall, you will find that the people who run these programs are extremely knowledgeable, very sincere and dedicated individuals who truly want to help you, and especially your children. However, they are often limited by many rules and guidelines and they have people to answer to. There are often a few layers of bureaucracy to wade through to get things done including financial constraints and budget issues. Of course everyone must always speak with political correctness and they are not permitted to answer any specific questions pertaining to the facts of your pending case. Court run programs will not permit both sides to attend the same classes and they are usually limited to two sessions of about 2-3 hours duration. While they cover a lot of ground, these programs largely are only able to scratch the surface given these limitations and there is little time to go into depth on any given topic. Question and answer sessions are minimal and limited as there is a set timed agenda to follow. Again, I applaud the dedicated people who work so hard and do such great work in helping litigants to think like parents before acting like litigants.

In my case, despite all the efforts of many people who tried to help end the nonsense, my son’s mother and I embarked on an all out full-scale custody battle that lasted for several years. To say it was hell and a life-changing event is a vast understatement.  I called it parental warfare and oh, the stories I could tell you! You see, being an attorney myself and being familiar with judges, lawyers and the court system, I knew how bad I could get screwed and it scared the hell out of me. Unfortunately, most lay people who are not extremely knowledgeable about the family law court system do not know how bad it can be and how much damage can be done until it is too late. Once you go too far down the litigation path, it is hard to retreat to normalcy.

For years I have thought, “What if these programs were taken to the next level?” What could be added to improve these programs and eliminate the roadblocks? At the extreme, I envisioned a cross between Dr. Phil and Jerry Springer replete with in-depth discussions, audience participation, guest presenters, ongoing meetings and online and other support group mechanisms. People need to hear the reality of what a contested custody battle can be like and they need to be able to openly and honestly be able to discuss it with people who will tell it like it is.

What if we didn’t have to deal with all the red tape and political correctness? What if we could break into small cohesive groups and get to the root of the problems and learn from the experiences of each other. Is all for one and one for all to cliché? What if the agenda for the evening could be partly designed by the participants?

What if all of the great books, programs and resources that have been relied on by others were shared and discussed so that participants could know where to turn to address their particular needs before having to obtain their own devastating personal experience first? For years these things have been running rampant in my mind and I am ready to take action. Are you? www.DivorceWihtoutDishonor.com/Boot-Camp

Is our down-turned economy having an effect on divorce in the United States and other nations around the world? While it’s too early for statistical evidence, reports from marriage counselors and divorce attorneys around the globe are in agreement. They’re finding many couples who were ready to call it quits are postponing the divorce decision due to financial reasons. In the U.S., with housing values at near record lows, wide-ranging cuts in salaries and a dramatic rise in unemployment rates, many couples are just not divorcing because they are afraid they can’t afford it.

Does this mean couples are finding new ways to get along and reconsider their marriages? In some cases, yes, but for many it just means adapting to continued states of unhappiness and coping with disappointment and frustration. This, of course, does not bear well for the children of these unions. They experience the negative consequences of a distressed marriage whether the couple splits up or chooses to stay together because of economic factors.

Too many couples are financially dependent on one another to make a break, but at the same time they have lost their emotional interdependence which helps a couple thrive during outside challenges. Without the affection and emotional connection, these couples are basically roommates sharing a home and living expenses.

The problem is that they are also parents of children who may be even more confused than ever about life at home.  Mom and Dad are still married and together – but are they? This is a big concern for therapists, school guidance counselors, clergy and others who understand children’s emotional and psychological needs during times of high stress. 

In the past it was common for divorce rates to spike during times of financial insecurity. Back in the recession of 1997 the divorce rate rose close to 20%. However, economists note that during real tough times, such as the Great Depression in the early 1930s, divorce rates did decline because people couldn’t afford the luxury of splitting into two separate homes.

There are no clear resolutions for today’s economic crisis or for parents caught up in the whirlwind around the divorce decision. However, staying together in a marriage that continues in “form” only can be a damaging situation for the children. That’s because those marriages often fail to focus on the emotional safety and security factors that children need in order to thrive, feel self- confident and express themselves.

Parents – whatever you do, stop and ask yourself some fundamental questions before moving ahead whether in – or out – of the marriage:

• Despite economic stress are we taking the time to give our children the loving attention they deserve?

• Are we as parents providing a loving environment for our children – whether we share the same residence or two separate abodes?

• Are we providing the nurturing, values and personal time we want to instill in our children despite our own challenges as adults?

• Are we creating family time rituals with one or both parents so our children feel that we still are a “family” regardless of the form it takes?

• Should we be seeking outside professional help to make sure our children are feeling safe, secure, loved and peaceful in their home environment(s)?

• Are we being honest with our children about our circumstances without confiding adult details to them that would be confusing and burdensome for them at their age?

• Are we restraining from arguing, bad mouthing each other, creating tension, bitterness, sarcasm or other negativity when the children are present?

• Are we reminding our children how much we love them and will continue to love them regardless of changes in where and how we live?

How you answer these questions will determine the quality of life your children experience – whether they are residing in one residence or two. Always remember, you are parents first – and a couple struggling with marital or divorce issues second. Isn’t that the way it should be?

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Rosalind Sedacca’s Child-Centered Divorce Network provides numerous free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources for parents at www.childcentereddivorce.com, Her new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids… about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love! is also available at www.howdoitellthekids.com.

It’s no secret that one of the biggest challenges a parent faces after divorce is staying in good communication with your children. Obviously all parents struggle with communication issues as their children grow, but children who have had their lives dramatically altered by separation or divorce need even more attention – and diligent observation by their parents.

Children tend not to tell you when they are angry, resentful, confused, hurt or depressed. Instead they reflect their problems through their behavior – acting out or perhaps turning inward in ways that you have not experienced prior to the divorce.

Here are some tips that most all professionals agree about as ways to encourage positive and productive communication between you and your children. Many of these are obvious or innate behaviors. Some can easily be forgotten amid the challenges you are juggling in your own life on a daily basis.

Take time to see the world through your children’s eyes and you will be better able to meet their needs, understand their confusion or aggression and find appropriate  ways to dissolve tension through your conversation and caring behaviors.

• Be available and attentive when your child comes to you to talk or ask questions. That means turning off the TV, putting down the newspaper, not answering the phone and giving them eye-contact and a welcoming smile. Sometimes attempting to talk to you is the result of considerable thought and risk on their part. Encourage these conversations when they happen.

• It is helpful to sit, kneel or in other ways get down closer to your child’s level when you talk. Towering over them is a form of intimidation that does not translate into safety or trust.

• Keep your conversations private unless they want to include others. Let them know they are safe in confiding to you and that you are interested and care about matters that concern them.

• Don’t dismiss a subject lightly if it is one bothering your child. Laughing, joking or teasing will create alienation that ultimately will discourage your child to share what is bothering them with you. This is a dangerous road to travel, especially as your children develop into their teen years.

• Equally important is to never embarrass your children or put them on the spot in front of others. This will immediately close the door to honest, trustworthy communication.

• Avoid talking to your child when you are angry or upset with them or others. Promise to talk in a half-hour or hour at a specific place after you’ve had a chance to settle down and regain your objectivity.

• Be an active listener. Don’t interrupt while your child is talking. Listen carefully and then paraphrase back what you heard them say. Ask if you’re right in your interpretation. They’ll tell you. This give and tack will help you be more precisely understood what is really at issue.

• Asking why can be intimidating and close off your conversation. Instead ask what happened questions which keep the dialogue open.

• Be patient. Don’t react or respond until you get the full message. Sometimes it takes some meandering for your child to reach the crucial point of what they want to say. Don’t shut them off too soon!

• Remember that preaching, moralizing or “parenting” comments can put up barriers to clear communication. Listening is your most valuable skill and tool.

• Watch your judgments and put-downs, even with upsetting information. Don’t belittle your children, call them names or insult their behaviors. Talk to them – not at them! The difference is felt as respect.

• Acknowledge your children for coming to you. Praise their braveness. If you were at fault, apologize honestly and discuss how you can make changes for the future.

• Show that you accept and love them – even if their behaviors were not acceptable. Then help them come up with some acceptable solutions they can understand and feel good about.

Children who feel safe talking to their parents grow up as better communicators overall. They will be more likely to have healthy communication in their own adult relationships – with their spouses and children.

Families that keep feelings repressed, that don’t discuss issues that come up, send the message that it’s not all right to talk about things that bother us. The consequences of this can be seen in our nightly news headlines every day.

You can open the doors to caring communication in your home by starting today. Your children may be a little resistant at first as they test the waters, but they will surely appreciate this opportunity once they know you are sincere. Start the process yourself – and see how valuable it is to “hear” what your children have to say!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!  For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

No one plans to get divorced. But more than one million children in the U.S. will experience its affects this year alone. Divorce has become a reality in our culture and innocent children are coping with the consequences every day.

The good news is that divorce need not wound and scar your children if you put their emotional and psychological needs first when making crucial decisions. It’s misguided parents – angry, resentful, hurt and mistrusting – who unintentionally set their children up for painful outcomes. These parents don’t understand that every decision they make regarding their divorce will effect the well-being of their children in countless ways. The emotional scars are not only harder to see, they’re also much harder to erase.

Here are five keys to helping your children move through and thrive after divorce.

1) Remind them this is not their fault.

Children tend to blame themselves for divorce, no matter how bad Mom and Dad’s relationship has been. The younger the child, the more likely this is so. Sit down together and talk to your children, emphasizing that they are in no way at fault. You can say something like: “Mom and Dad don’t agree about certain key issues and that has created conflict. Even when some of the issues are about you, it does not mean you are to blame. You are an innocent child who we both love. Sadly, Mom and Dad disagree about certain important issues — but not about our love for you. You are not in any way at fault.”

2) Focus on change — not on blame.

Divorce is all about change within the family structure. Often those changes can be beneficial and create a more peaceful environment for your children. Never burden them with adult information and judgments. Focus instead on the fact that change is an inevitable part of life and not necessarily bad. Let your children see that everything in life keeps changing. “You grow bigger every year. Seasons change, clothing styles change, your school classes change. Sometimes it takes a while to get used to changes, like when you get a new teacher or try a new sport. In time you may come to like these new changes. Let’s give it a try.”
 

3) Respect your child’s other parent.

When you belittle, put down or in any way disrespect your ex – regardless how justified it may feel – it hurts your children in deep and long-lasting ways. Children innately love both their parents and feel a connection to them. When you insult their other parent it creates confusion, guilt, sadness, insecurity and low self-esteem in your children. Instead, remind them that Mom and Dad will always be their parents and will always love them. No one will replace Mom or Dad either. “We will both always love you and be there for you, no matter where we live or how things should change.” Then strive to do the right thing on their behalf.
4) Let your children continue to be children.

While it may sometimes be tempting, never confide adult content to your children. They are not psychologically prepared to handle the emotional complexity. Save venting for trusted friends, a divorce counselor or support group.  Also never ask your children to spy, act as messengers between both parents or provide inappropriate details about the other parent’s home life. Again, this pressure’s them in many ways – none of which are positive. It is not their place to assume adult responsibilities or help you to find evidence against your ex.
5) Make decisions through the eyes of your child.

Before making any decisions regarding divorce issues, think about the consequences for your children. Ask yourself, what will they say to me about this when they are grown adults? Will they thank me for the way I handled the divorce – or be angry and resentful about my attitude and behavior? The choices you make will affect your children for years and decades to come. For their sake, take the high road and be a role model they will want to emulate.
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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!  Her innovative approach guides parents in creating a personal family storybook, using fill-in-the-blank templates, family history and photos, as an effective way to break the news with optimum results. For more information, free articles, free ezine and other valuable resources visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Study results that were released in mid-December 2007 stated that parents who choose to end a marriage are not less capable following a divorce. This study was conducted in Canada at the University of Alberta.

Researchers admitted that the findings go against the commonly held beliefs about what divorce does to children and to the parent-child bond. We are usually told that divorce shatters children and can really damage the emotional connection with one or both parents.

The study focused on three aspects of parenting: how parents nurture, how consistent they are, and how they punish their children. Researchers found that parents in solid unions and parents who had divorced both functioned in the same way in these areas before and after a divorce.

One of the head researchers did admit, however, that there are parents who do not cope well with divorce and that this strain will have a bearing on their parenting skills.

Studies or no, we all know that stress causes us to alter our behavior and the stress of a contentious divorce will have an effect on your children.

When you opt for a collaborative divorce, you are choosing a path that will give you a greater sense of calm.

You’re probably still paying Christmas bills, and tax time is already rolling around. Money — and how to save it — is on everyone’s mind. Divorce is expensive and protracted litigation can increase costs exponentially, leaving you and your spouse with staggering legal bills to contend with as you as you each struggle to begin a new phase of life. While collaborative divorce is not necessarily cheap — a lot depends on the complexity of the issues and the number of meetings required to resolve them — it does allow you to exert better control over your divorce costs.

By choosing collaborative divorce, you and your spouse make a commitment to spending your resources on your family and not on a contentious legal battle. You make a conscious decision to place the needs and support of your children above petty — and legally expensive — battling with your spouse.

Most often, children whose parents divorce face a future with significantly less financial security that children from intact marriages. It simply costs more to maintain two households than one. Funds for school trips, enriching activities, and college are often limited or non-existent. Collaborative divorce allows you and your spouse to design a child support arrangement that meets the needs of your specific family. You do not have to contend with arbitrarily imposed court requirements, but can work together to provide your children with maximum financial stability.

My new book, Stop Fighting Over the Kids, Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations, will be available soon on Amazon.com. An e-book version will also be available in the near future. To receive advanced notification of the book’s availability on Amazon, email my webmaster at: webmaster@mccordweb.com.

My own acrimonious divorce and bitter child custody battle led me to search for a better, less damaging way to end a marriage. In collaborative divorce I have found a way for partners to separate their lives without destroying them. Collaborative divorce emphasizes the well-being of each member of the family, with a special emphasis on the needs of the children. It allows for creative, outside-the-box solutions to custody issues that are tailored to the individual needs of each family.

Proceedings take place outside the courtroom, usually in a lawyer’s or counselor’s office,  in an atmosphere of support, problem-solving and conflict resolution. Collaborative divorce allows both parties to establish and practice effective communication habits that will allow them to parent cooperatively after divorce. Collaborative divorce recognizes and emphasizes the importance of both parents in their children’s lives and helps to structure child custody arrangements that meet the changing needs of the child, as well as the capabilities of the parents.

If your marriage is ending, I urge you and your spouse to consider collaborative divorce and stop fighting over the kids, for your sake and theirs.

Last time we talked about Ghost Dads, fathers who fade away after divorce (see our Feb. 4 post). In most cases fathers who stop seeing their children do so for their own emotional health and self preservation, but in doing so they place a damaging burden on their children. A friend of mine raised three girls without the involvement or support of their father. Now grown women, they continue to have self doubts and relationship issues that stem from the absence of their father as they were growing up. The following is a portion of a letter one of them recently wrote to her dad. She is now 24.

“Why don’t you ever write to me? I’ve written you letters, sent emails and birthday cards, but you never write back. Don’t you love me? Don’t you care about me? I am your daughter but I feel abandoned. Am I that unlovable? I want to get to know you again but you seem to have closed your heart. Please write back otherwise I don’t think I can keep trying. It’s just too hard.” 

The children who heal fastest from divorce are those who enjoy the love, support and involvement of both parents. As a father, it’s essential that you remain part of your children’s daily lives during and after divorce. You need to be in the crowd cheering at soccer and Little League games. You need to be in the audience at dance recitals and school programs. You need to attend parent-teacher conferences. You need to help with homework, comfort your child when they’re sick, go out for ice cream, play catch at the park — all the things you did when you lived together as a family. It’s the way you show your kids that you love them and that you’ll always be there for them.

When you and your spouse decided to have a child, it was most likely a joyful time. From the moment of birth (and even before that), children steal your heart. You love them, care for them and protect them. You dedicate yourself to keeping your child safe, healthy and happy. Divorce shouldn’t change that.

When divorce becomes a battlefield, your children are the casualties. During divorce, parents must put aside their anger and emotions when making decisions about their children’s custody and support. They must separate their adult differences from the needs and welfare of their children and work together to make decisions that will support and provide for their children’s physical and emotional well-being. Therapist Rosalind Sedacca calls this child-centered divorce.

"When you create a child-centered divorce, your children win — on every level. Parents who make a concerted effort to sit down with each other and discuss the future well-being of their kids together, keep their perspective where it really belongs — on the children," says Sedacca in a recent article on the website Child-Centered Divorce. (Click here to read the entire article.)

Sedacca suggests divorcing parents ask themselves the following questions:

• What

A divorced mother herself, therapist Rosalind Sedacca, has created an excellent new website, Child-Centered Divorce, that I can highly recommend. Built on her own struggles guiding her children through divorce, Sedacca has created a website that can be a valuable resource for parents striving to help their children cope with divorce.

The goal of the website is to provide parents with a support network that addresses the problems parents face with their children during divorce. Articles address the issues concerning the emotional health and welfare of children going through divorce. Parents will find the articles engagingly written and particularly useful. In each article parents will find new understandings and helpful tips they can apply to their own circumstances.

Sedacca shares her highly qualified experience in regular articles on the website and also draws on the knowledge and experience of a variety of experts. Some recent topics include:

• Magical Thinking: When Children of Divorce Blame Themselves
• Children’s Emotional Needs During Divorce and Beyond
• When Children of Divorce Act Out — Caring Parents Step Up!
• Child-Centered Divorce Secrets

Child-Centered Divorce was created this summer by Rosalind Sedacca, a Certified Corporate Trainer, author, national speaker and workshop facilitator. She is the author of the helpful  new book How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love! (see our October 29 post for a review).