Divorce Without Dishonor

Abuse is a powerful word. Domestic violence is a serious issue and growing concern in our country (see our previous two posts). Yet there is the temptation to misuse "the abuse card" in child custody cases. When domestic violence laws were enacted, lawmakers didn’t expect parents to claim abuse or exaggerate abusive behaviors to "punish" their spouse and gain exclusive custody of their children, but that is what happens too often in family court.

It’s easy to understand given the hurt, anger and volatile emotions generated during divorce. Even though not physically abused, one party may feel emotionally bereft and characterize this as abuse. It’s a fine line easily crossed and fed by anger and guilt. Our adversarial approach to divorce doesn’t help matters. Too often attorneys set on fixing blame and gaining the best settlement possible for their client will fan the flames, declaring certain behaviors abusive that in less emotional settings might be seen in a less volatile light. Not only do such actions undermine the safety of those who truly need protection under the domestic violence laws, but they are unfair to your children.

Domestic violence laws should not be used as a quick method for resolving child custody disputes. These laws are not there to provide one parent with a tactical advantage over the other. Parents who attempt to abuse these laws are not acting in their children’s best interests and may find themselves at a disadvantage with the court.

If such allegations are deemed to be unfounded or grossly or intentionally exaggerated, a skilled attorney will easily be able to show that the accusatory parent, if he or she were awarded custody, would in all likelihood attempt to alienate the children from the other parent. In determining the best interests of the children with respect to custody and visitation, one of the important factors that the judge considers is which parent will better promote normal family relations. Children are entitled to the benefit of both sides of their family, including grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Judges realize the importance of the support provided by the extended family and are generally unwilling to deny this to the children simply by virtue of a custody decision.

It is important to realize that animosity between a divorcing husband and wife most often does not extend to their children. The reasons for a failed marriage have everything to do with the dynamics of the spousal relationship, but little to do with a person’s ability to be a kind, caring and loving parent. False or grossly exaggerated claims of abuse leave deep scars that will affect the entire family for years to come. They do nothing to promote future trust or the cooperative attitude necessary to effectively parent and raise your children after the divorce. They deny your children the support and comfort of one of the two most important people in their lives. Care should be taken to report instances of abuse or domestic violence in a factually accurate manner. The "abuse card" should not be played to punish your spouse out of hurt or anger. In the end, the ones you hurt most will be your children.

For more information on divorce, domestic violence and child custody, click here to visit my website. 

The sad and bizarre tale of Britney Spears’ fall from grace hit a new low last week when the court awarded custody of their two children to father Kevin Federline. Blogs and websites went into overdrive speculating on whether the judge acted in the children’s best interests, whether Federline will be a good dad, and whether Spears even wants her children.

No matter how you feel about Spears and Federline personally — according to the entertainment press, both have had their problems with drugs, lifestyle choices and personal responsibility — Spears’ recent conduct deep-sixed her chances in court. After Spears repeated ignored Judge Scott Gordon’s orders for drug tests, parenting classes and therapy, the judge awarded full-time custody of the couple’s two children — 2-year-old Sean Preston and 1-year-old Jayden James — to Federline.

A divorced father, myself, I can’t share the angst and agony being expressed on the internet about the children being taken from their mother. Federline may or may not turn out to be a good dad, but he has certainly exhibited more responsibility toward his children than Spears. Too often in divorce the abilities of fathers to successfully care for their children is overlooked in favor of the mother.

Divorce is devastating to children and their parents. Divorce changes the family structure and each parent’s relationship to his children. In many divorces, like the Alec Baldwin/Kim Basinger divorce (see our September 4 post), children get caught in the middle between two dueling parents. Unfortunately, it’s the children who get hurt.

Too often divorcing parents seek to monopolize their child’s attention and affection. They may want to hurt the other parent or they may be trying to fill the void in their heart caused by the disaffection of their spouse. The acrimonious battlefield typical of many divorces only fans the flames of fear, anger and  frustration.

Children are turned inside out by divorce. Their whole world is shaken to its  core. To be caught between two battling parents creates severe emotional stress. To a child, each parent is still mom or dad and they love each parent as they always have. Divorcing parents who love their children will recognize this truth and seek to create an atmosphere during and after divorce in which both parents can continue to support their children and work together for the good of their children.

Collaborative divorce provides that atmosphere. Collaborative divorce is not acrimonious. There is no winner, no loser. Collaborative law encourages cooperative, non-combative behavior between mature, responsible adults. By agreeing to avoid litigation, both divorcing spouses and their attorneys are committed to reaching a mutually agreeable settlement. Collaborative divorce supports each member of the family, especially the children.

Click here to find out more about collaborative divorce. 

Celebrity divorce makes big headlines. We’re often shocked and dismayed by the ugly behavior of our favorite stars toward each other and toward their children. But the hateful game-playing, vicious mud-slinging and child-damaging behavior that grabs Hollywood headlines goes on behind the closed doors of countless American homes every single day.

A case in point: In April, Alec Baldwin unleashed a tirade of invective against 11-year-old daughter Ireland, calling her a "thoughtless little pig." Angry that his daughter had missed an appointed phone call, Baldwin went into a rage, leaving a four-letter tirade on the child’s answering machine.

"Once again, I have made an ass of myself trying to get to a phone," raged Baldwin in his message, adding, "you have insulted me for the last time." After slurring mom, Kim Basinger, Baldwin continued, "This crap you pull on me with this goddamn phone situation that you would never dream of doing to your mother, and you do it to me constantly over and over again." Before slamming the phone down, Baldwin threatened, "You better be ready Friday to meet with me."

In the ongoing six-year battle for their daughter’s affections, Basinger used the tape to obtain a court order temporarily suspending Baldwin’s visitation rights. Then her publicist leaked the tape to the press. Baldwin has since apologized for his language to his daughter, his ex-wife and the public.

A friend of Baldwin’s tried to put his behavior in perspective, explaining that  Ireland is the most important thing in the world to Alec and he was frustrated because over the last six years, Kim has tried everything to alienate daughter and father.

This kind of damaging behavior is no less disturbing when it happens without the headlines. Fear, anger and frustration over the alienation of their children’s affections drive many parents to tirades and behaviors similar to Baldwin’s. Next time we’ll talk more about the effect your relationship with your spouse has on your children. Through collaborative divorce there are solutions that support each member of the family. Stay tuned!

Are  you a victim of Parental Alienation Syndrome?  Do you feel that your spouse is turning your child against you? Is your child afraid to see you? Does  he spend his visit wanting to go home? Does she say hateful things about you or repeat awful lies your spouse is telling her?

Though not yet recognized officially by the courts, charges of Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) are cropping up more frequently in divorce custody hearings.

• What is Parental Alienation Syndrome? It’s when the custodial parent, or the parent with greater physical or emotional access to the child, uses his/her power to negatively influence the child’s feelings toward the other parent. In other words, it’s when one parent alienates the child against the other parent.

Asserting a charge of PAS is problematic because children are easily manipulated by their parents and during divorce their emotions are all over the place. Psychiatrists and psychologists are split on the validity of PAS. It can be difficult to tell if a child’s negative behavior toward one parent is the work of a concentrated hate campaign by the other parent or just part of the normal emotional upheaval of divorce.

The courts may not recognize PAS, but families going through divorce know that it happens, with damaging results for both child and parents. Too often during divorce parents are engulfed in anger and may try to consciously manipulate their child to blame or dislike the other parent. Sometimes a parent’s grief at the failure of the marriage is so great that he may inappropriately confide his feelings to his child.

Whether intentional or not, the obvious pain and anger his parents feel can’t help but influence a child’s feelings. The damage to the child’s psyche can be tremendous, often following her into her adult years and affecting her ability to trust and connect with the opposite sex. A collaborative divorce can help you, your spouse and particularly your child avoid the devastating consequences of parental alienation.

Proponents of the Web cam option seek to get it included in custody agreements and in state custody laws. But not everyone is ready for it.

Instead of counting the months until she would see her son each summer, Carrie Hammond needed only count the hours until Kegan’s face would light up her computer screen. Though Kegan, 6, was in Tennessee with his father, and Hammond, 27, lived in San Marcos, the two were participating in virtual visitation as part of the family’s child-custody agreement by making video calls via Web cameras. "It’s been instrumental in keeping the relationship strong," Hammond said, recalling their hours-long, twice-weekly Web cam sessions.

Recently, Kegan chose to move in with Hammond, a decision she attributes to the emotional closeness the Web cams afforded them for four years.

Virtual visitation is becoming a popular way to incorporate the potential of modern technology into the lives of parents and children separated by divorce and distance. Utah, Wisconsin and most recently, Missouri, have made virtual visitation state law, and several other state legislatures, including those in California and Ohio, are considering making it a formal supplement to physical custody arrangements.

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Mother