Divorce Without Dishonor

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

I have several divorced friends and colleagues with teenagers who are displaying disturbing behavior problems. These teens, especially the boys, are acting out in all the ways parents pray they never have to experience: drugs, hanging with the wrong crowd, school problems, disrespectful and inconsiderate behavior — you get the idea.

While each of these teens have parents who are divorced, there’s more to it than just that. Their biological fathers are not playing a strong role in their lives. And their mothers do not have a positive relationship with their “wasband.”

Does this mean that all children of divorce whose fathers are not actively in their lives will grow up to be troubled teens? Of course not. But there is a strong correlation between a father’s influence and a child’s – especially a son’s — sense of positive self-esteem and responsible behavior.

We all know it’s tough to be a teen. The challenges are enormous and the influences toward negative and anti-social behaviors are substantial within our culture. When you add the absence of a strong father figure to the mix, many young men just can’t overcome the lack of emotional support in their lives. They are more vulnerable to the temptations of acting out and going astray.

Co-parenting after divorce is never easy, nor are there simple answers for creating a smooth transition post-divorce into the parenting arena. However there are pitfalls we can all strive to avoid and warning signs that lead to potential problems that every divorced parent should keep in mind.

Dads: Stay in your kids’ lives as a parent, not a playmate. Take responsibility for talking to your teens on a regular basis about key issues, especially what it means to be a responsible young adult, how to treat parents, teachers and siblings respectfully and goals to aspire toward for a successful future.

Moms: Honor your teen’s relationship with their biological Dad – even if a Step-Father or other male relationship partners are in the picture. Let their Dad actively parent them and be a model for healthy, responsible behavior. Don’t be a wedge between father and son/daughter or put down their father in their presence. You are laying the foundation for bringing into society a young adult who matures with compassion for others and high self-esteem.

Parents: The key to parenting successfully after a divorce is maturity. Make decisions about your sons and daughters from the place of a caring, loving parent, not a vengeful former spouse. Don’t take out your frustrations with your ex on your children. Overlook the minor and petty annoyances and focus on the big picture — raising confident, empathic, considerate and loving children.

When an issue comes along that pushes your buttons, ask yourself this question: How would I respond to this parenting dilemma if I wasn’t divorced? Then focus on the right answer for the well-being of your children … as a parent – not just a divorced parent.

The rewards you derive in the years to come will more than offset the frustrations and inconveniences that inevitably are part of post-divorce co-parenting. Aren’t your children worth it?

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce, coaching services or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com

I am glad you asked says your host and creator of the Divorce Without Dishonor Blog. About 14 years ago I sat through my first court-ordered divorce education workshop, sometimes referred to as co-parenting classes or other similar benign titles. The purpose of such programs is really to help parents to avoid contested child custody litigation by providing some information, resources and techniques to lessen or avoid parental conflict during these times of family turmoil. They are for individuals and families raising children between two homes.

Those who take this responsibility seriously can improve their parenting skills and make healthy choices regarding their children during times when it is easy to have clouded judgment. I have been to many such programs in the last 14 years that have been offered from many different groups from huge international groups such as Divorce Care to different county programs offered through the Family Services units various courts, to online programs through such organizations as Child Sharing.com.

Overall, you will find that the people who run these programs are extremely knowledgeable, very sincere and dedicated individuals who truly want to help you, and especially your children. However, they are often limited by many rules and guidelines and they have people to answer to. There are often a few layers of bureaucracy to wade through to get things done including financial constraints and budget issues. Of course everyone must always speak with political correctness and they are not permitted to answer any specific questions pertaining to the facts of your pending case. Court run programs will not permit both sides to attend the same classes and they are usually limited to two sessions of about 2-3 hours duration. While they cover a lot of ground, these programs largely are only able to scratch the surface given these limitations and there is little time to go into depth on any given topic. Question and answer sessions are minimal and limited as there is a set timed agenda to follow. Again, I applaud the dedicated people who work so hard and do such great work in helping litigants to think like parents before acting like litigants.

In my case, despite all the efforts of many people who tried to help end the nonsense, my son’s mother and I embarked on an all out full-scale custody battle that lasted for several years. To say it was hell and a life-changing event is a vast understatement.  I called it parental warfare and oh, the stories I could tell you! You see, being an attorney myself and being familiar with judges, lawyers and the court system, I knew how bad I could get screwed and it scared the hell out of me. Unfortunately, most lay people who are not extremely knowledgeable about the family law court system do not know how bad it can be and how much damage can be done until it is too late. Once you go too far down the litigation path, it is hard to retreat to normalcy.

For years I have thought, “What if these programs were taken to the next level?” What could be added to improve these programs and eliminate the roadblocks? At the extreme, I envisioned a cross between Dr. Phil and Jerry Springer replete with in-depth discussions, audience participation, guest presenters, ongoing meetings and online and other support group mechanisms. People need to hear the reality of what a contested custody battle can be like and they need to be able to openly and honestly be able to discuss it with people who will tell it like it is.

What if we didn’t have to deal with all the red tape and political correctness? What if we could break into small cohesive groups and get to the root of the problems and learn from the experiences of each other. Is all for one and one for all to cliché? What if the agenda for the evening could be partly designed by the participants?

What if all of the great books, programs and resources that have been relied on by others were shared and discussed so that participants could know where to turn to address their particular needs before having to obtain their own devastating personal experience first? For years these things have been running rampant in my mind and I am ready to take action. Are you? www.DivorceWihtoutDishonor.com/Boot-Camp

By Mike Mastracci.

For divorced or separated parents the holidays are often more stressful than they are for those who do not have child access and visitation issues to manage. While the following tips and considerations can apply throughout the year, the holidays are a great time to improve your co-parenting relationship. No matter what holidays you celebrate, consider helping your child to pick out an appropriate card or gift to give to the other parent. In doing so, you will be showing your child that you recognize and respect their relationship with the other parent and you also teach and encourage them that it is okay to discuss the other parent in a positive light in your presence. If the other parent comes to learn that you assisted, encouraged or approved of your child getting him or her a gift it might go a long way for future interaction. Truly, it is the thought that counts. Imagine your surprise when you receive a gift the next holiday that was encouraged by your ex. It is a goodwill builder for sure and sends nothing but positive messages to your children.

If you have been harboring a lot of anger and animosity toward your ex throughout the year consider digging deep and forgiving your ex and yourself for the “transgressions” you have been dealt, as well as the ones that stem from your own shortcomings (not that you have any) or bad acts. Many people believe that the opposite of love is hate. It is indifference, not hate. Hate and anger generally only hurt you. In the context of a bitter separation or divorce it is easy to forget about the concept of forgiveness. If your co-parenting relationship sucks and interferes with the way that the two of you raise your children, you need to lose the anger, or at least regroup and channel it proactively.

During the holiday season try extra hard to limit the parental aggravation that you may otherwise generally experience when dealing with your ex. For example, sharing transportation in a fair and equitable fashion for the holidays might just be a gesture that could come back ten fold. All too often one parent does the overwhelming majority of the driving to pick up or drop off the children. (Why that is could be a topic of discussion and debate another day.) If you have had such issues in the past, call it truce time, for the sake of your children. Make substantial efforts to iron out all schedule adjustments well in advance and confirm each other’s understanding by email or letter so that there are no last minute problems; and be flexible. Squabbling over who got what holiday for what time period last year and the like is a waste of energy. Live in the here and now and remember that what goes around does indeed come back around, both good and bad. This year when it comes to separated and divorced parenting during the holidays, if given a chance to be naughty or nice, try the latter. Happy Holidays!

[Editor Note: Please note that the information in this post is of a nature that applies for low to moderate-conflict cases as opposed to an unsettled high-conflict case.]

By Michael A. Mastracci

If you are separated or divorced and have children stuck in the middle of parental discord, the Holidays often take on special significance in many respects.  Transitioning the children from one house to the other and dividing up time not only between the parties but also involving extended family members, relatives and friends make scheduling all the more difficult. If you and the other parent have a tendency to disagree about things such as the day of the week, the time, the weather, whose fault everything is and the like, you may not look forward to yet another holiday season. For purposes of the following comments and tips we will limit the discussion to the Thanksgiving holiday. Just like co-parenting through separation and divorce, holiday cheer is dealt one day at a time.

I recently came across a good article on the Ohio Family Law Blog written by attorney Anne Shale of the law firm Holzfaster, Cecil, McKnight and Mues, LPA regarding some useful tips on the nuts and bolts of handling the Christmas holiday season. The real short version includes tips like plan ahead, look to and review the controlling agreement or court order if one exists and to attempt to commit to a written schedule as soon as possible if there is no such writing memorializing how the children’s time is to be divided for each upcoming holiday. Often easier said than done, but proper planning and even some sacrificing here and there can go a long way. Whatever the schedule is, grandparents and extended families will have to adjust accordingly to fit your schedule, as the other parent may not care to accommodate too many variables, right?

When trying to plan, first and foremost remember that it is the children’s time that is being allocated for, not yours. Keep it all child focused. Also, while we like to remember the Pilgrims and all we have to be thankful for, when push comes to shove, in our time sharing  context, it is one frickin meal on one Thursday of the year. Don’t make more out of it than need be. When it comes to Thanksgiving and many scheduled holidays there is often a choice to be made, and hopefully agreed upon, as to whether to split or divide the Holiday or alternate from year to year. In a day/night split the child spends a portion of Thanksgiving with each parent which means juggling two dinner times, family gatherings, travel etc. Also, do the children really need two huge meals back-to-back or even during the same day? Remember, as far as the kids go, they really don’t care if you celebrate Thanksgiving on Wednesday with one parent and on Thursday with the other. Should it really matter that much to you if it works for your children?

Whatever works best for the children and all concerned is what counts. A few possibilities for a smooth and Happy Thanksgiving are to go with the even-odd year approach. First define and delineate the parameters of the Holiday. Your Thanksgiving could be defined as beginning Wednesday evening at 8:00 p.m. until Friday after Thanksgiving at noon, or perhaps from Thanksgiving Day at noon until 10:00 p.m. Thanksgiving night. It really doesn’t matter as long as it is clear and practical and includes facts like who picks up, drops off and otherwise transports the children. A system of whoever has the children takes them to the other parent works well in most cases. Once properly defined, the holiday can be memorialized by a document stating that, for example, in 2009 and all odd numbered years the children will spend Thanksgiving (as defined above) with Mom and in 2010 and all even years the children shall spend Thanksgiving with Dad.

If you think you want to divide the day in half in some fashion you might want to give thought to not doing that if it is an unnecessary hassle for the children and if heightened parental acrimony is afoot. It is perhaps better to have one good “all you and the kids” to plan for type of Thanksgiving every other year than to deal with two back-to-back problematic turkey days.

No matter what you and the other parent decide, remember that these days should be examples for giving thanks and celebration and not fighting and bickering; your child will be watching and learning the lessons that you instill in them during these delicate times. Some day they too may be raising your grandchildren under similar circumstances.

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Editor Note: Stop Fighting Over the Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations has sample parenting plans that include reasonable holiday divisions to help alleviate the strain associated with divorce, child-custody, and separation. It is important to note that the holidays require effective pre-planning to help ensure they work smoothly for the children. Sometimes it may require mediation, collaboration, or legal process to modify or implement an effective parenting plan that includes the holiday plans.

By Michael A. Mastracci

When the dust settles from a contested child custody case, and it never seems to really “settle,” way more often than not, an acrimonious divorce results in more of the same in post-divorce/relationship interaction. Unfortunately, interaction more directly involves the children. After the divorce is final, the children are the only thing left to fight about, to exert power and control and to inflict punishment and just deserts on the other parent.. While few would admit it, most know it. You see, in a contested custody case, no one wins. In fact, I would love to hear from people, if there are any, that can say that they went to court to fight over custody, visitation and child access issues and that they had everything go their way, that the judge was “right on the money” in his or her assessment of the parties, the situation and in believing the correct version of alleged facts.

When the case is over and the primary residential schedule is dictated by someone other than you or your ex, what is left to fight over? Well, almost everything that is not etched in stone or open to any interpretation. Language in court orders such as, “the parties shall share and alternate the holidays in a fair and equitable manner” or  “reasonable and liberal visitation” even  “two weeks summer vacation” and the like can be heaven for one who wants to pick fights and hell for everyone else.

If you are involved in a contested child custody case you had better do all that you can to ensure that the final order leaves nothing to interpretation. If you are dealing with an unreasonable person who does not put the children’s best interest above all else and if that person feels that he or she “got shafted” by you, the court and the lawyers, and the clerks, and the witnesses etc. etc., the war is not over, it is just beginning. In such a situation the simple pleasures in life like enjoying the holidays and vacations with family, friends and loved ones get tarnished. Sports and extracurricular activities become a source of stress and anxiety as opposed to fun and enjoyment. Life is too short for all that nonsense and a childhood is only a small fraction of  “life.”

How a couple divorces has far greater impact on their children than the actual separation, researchers have found.  Weary of acrimonious divorce battles and the expense and emotional damage they cause, legal professionals sought a more constructive way to dissolve marriage, giving birth to Collaborative Family Law in 1990. Collaborative law focuses on divorce not just as a painful ending but as an opportunity for a new beginning.  Stressing cooperation over confrontation and resolution over revenge, collaborative divorce is transforming how couples dissolve their marriages, divide their assets and re-invent their post-divorce parenting relationships.

By Mike Mastracci

“Whether one looks at deception from the child’s perspective of “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” or whether viewed as a serious, straightforward moral or religious tenant such as “Thou shalt not lie,” the truth is often hard to uncover; so too are lies. In a child custody case, when the truth is expected to come from the witness stand, under oath where one is sworn to “tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth,” veracity can be especially evasive, misinterpreted, or worse.”

Often the practice of law has little to do with the truth and everything to do with the perception of truth. When it comes to child custody disputes this is fait accompli. Often though, in child custody cases too much emphasis is actually placed on discerning the truth of inconsequential parental allegations and defenses. Whether one or the other parents was fired for stealing from their former employer before the child at issue was born, for example, may still seem very damaging to his or her credibility, especially if they get caught lying about it, but this type of coup will not win a custody battle.

All too often, dueling parents overlook the fact that it is how and to what degree that things affect their children that impacts the most upon a judge’s decision in awarding custody. Child custody litigants are often frustrated when the other side has clearly been caught in certain lies and the judge seems to overlook or ignore them. Indeed, some categories of lies will never likely determine the final outcome of a highly contested child custody case; often many prevarications from the witness stand really do not matter. However, there are certain kinds of falsehoods that not only damage one’s case, but most certainly negatively impact children of separated or divorcing parents; they are lies to, about, from, and involving the children.

Often in contested custody cases, parents and children are required to be “evaluated” and reports are made and submitted to the court. One of the more difficult and potentially damaging areas of child custody litigation occurs when the case involves mental health evaluations and clinical interviews. These evaluations and clinical interviews can take on many forms and serve a variety of purposes for the finder of fact. When child custody litigants and their children are required to submit to court ordered evaluations a whole new quagmire of complex problems can result.

It is in this context that lies can have a significant impact. An evaluator may be called as a witness to testify as to their “findings” and their opinions based on information they have obtained from the parties or their respective allies and the children at issue. Evaluators and mental health providers may also be called upon to opine on relevant hypothetical questions from the attorneys or the presiding judge. When the findings and opinions of the “experts” are flawed because of false information, the rules of reason and logic may lead to the wrong conclusions. Remember, it is the judge, who is supposed to sift through all the conflicting testimony and weigh all the factors as to what is ultimately his or her “best guess” as to what is in the child’s best interests. When the truth goes undetected in these situations in particular, a great deal of damage can be done. When information used by court appointed evaluators is obtained from, or intentionally omitted by, parents and children who do not tell the truth the child’s best interests may not truly be served. The problem is compounded in clinical custody evaluations when the parents deliberately lie or misinform the evaluators. Unfortunately, this is a common problem.

There is a well-known negative impact on children exposed to such parental conflict and deception. Typically children are struggling with loyalty conflicts when dealing with divorce and the last thing they need is to be involved in some deceptive practice by one of the parents where the child is required to demonstrate greater loyalty to one parent over the other.

When lies involve the perceptions of those caught in the middle, or when parents place their children in the throws of their own deceptive practices, making the correct decision becomes a more difficult task for the trier of fact. When parents lie and involve their children, they usually do so at the expense of their children’s psychological well-being.

Over the years there have been endless studies on the effects of divorce on parents and children. Some of the results are
controversial. Others seem to be universally accepted as relevant and real. Here are a few of my perceptions from studies on children who experience divorce that I believe all of us, as parents, should take to heart.

• Not surprisingly, the first two years of divorce are the most difficult. In some cases it takes an average of three to five years to really “work through” and resolve many of the issues and emotions that come to the surface. For some, the effects of divorce last many additional years — or even a lifetime — if not dealt with appropriately. Taking steps toward a child-centered divorce can dramatically impact the negative effects of divorce on all members of the family. It will help everyone to move through this time rather than merely letting “time heal all wounds.”

• Preschoolers tend to be more frightened and anxious, but seem to adjust better than older children in the long run. Their biggest fear is of abandonment. Stressing security and a continuation of family routines is very helpful for them. Older children understand more, but do not have adequate coping skills and therefore seem to have more long-term problems. This is often because they remember life before the divorce and so experience a greater change of life patterns and dwell more on comparisons between the past and present. Stressing the love both parents have for the child — and that that love will continue forever is vitally important whenever possible.

• Children who may have witnessed a troubled marriage and family life may greatly benefit from observing their parents now working out a reasonable and respectful post-divorce arrangement. This positive and mature behavior will affect a child’s adjustment more than any other factor.
  
• It is never too late to create a child-centered divorce, even if you started on the wrong track. Every step you take toward focusing on your children’s emotional, psychological and physical needs as they move through the months and years post-divorce, will be a step toward modeling for them how loving, compassionate, and caring parents respond to their children’s needs. I encourage you to make your relationship with your children’s other parent as respectful and considerate as you can — for the sake of your children.
                  
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Rosalind Sedacca’s new ebook How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? can be found at http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. She can be reached at Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com. Her free articles and ezine are available at www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Is our down-turned economy having an effect on divorce in the United States and other nations around the world? While it’s too early for statistical evidence, reports from marriage counselors and divorce attorneys around the globe are in agreement. They’re finding many couples who were ready to call it quits are postponing the divorce decision due to financial reasons. In the U.S., with housing values at near record lows, wide-ranging cuts in salaries and a dramatic rise in unemployment rates, many couples are just not divorcing because they are afraid they can’t afford it.

Does this mean couples are finding new ways to get along and reconsider their marriages? In some cases, yes, but for many it just means adapting to continued states of unhappiness and coping with disappointment and frustration. This, of course, does not bear well for the children of these unions. They experience the negative consequences of a distressed marriage whether the couple splits up or chooses to stay together because of economic factors.

Too many couples are financially dependent on one another to make a break, but at the same time they have lost their emotional interdependence which helps a couple thrive during outside challenges. Without the affection and emotional connection, these couples are basically roommates sharing a home and living expenses.

The problem is that they are also parents of children who may be even more confused than ever about life at home.  Mom and Dad are still married and together – but are they? This is a big concern for therapists, school guidance counselors, clergy and others who understand children’s emotional and psychological needs during times of high stress. 

In the past it was common for divorce rates to spike during times of financial insecurity. Back in the recession of 1997 the divorce rate rose close to 20%. However, economists note that during real tough times, such as the Great Depression in the early 1930s, divorce rates did decline because people couldn’t afford the luxury of splitting into two separate homes.

There are no clear resolutions for today’s economic crisis or for parents caught up in the whirlwind around the divorce decision. However, staying together in a marriage that continues in “form” only can be a damaging situation for the children. That’s because those marriages often fail to focus on the emotional safety and security factors that children need in order to thrive, feel self- confident and express themselves.

Parents – whatever you do, stop and ask yourself some fundamental questions before moving ahead whether in – or out – of the marriage:

• Despite economic stress are we taking the time to give our children the loving attention they deserve?

• Are we as parents providing a loving environment for our children – whether we share the same residence or two separate abodes?

• Are we providing the nurturing, values and personal time we want to instill in our children despite our own challenges as adults?

• Are we creating family time rituals with one or both parents so our children feel that we still are a “family” regardless of the form it takes?

• Should we be seeking outside professional help to make sure our children are feeling safe, secure, loved and peaceful in their home environment(s)?

• Are we being honest with our children about our circumstances without confiding adult details to them that would be confusing and burdensome for them at their age?

• Are we restraining from arguing, bad mouthing each other, creating tension, bitterness, sarcasm or other negativity when the children are present?

• Are we reminding our children how much we love them and will continue to love them regardless of changes in where and how we live?

How you answer these questions will determine the quality of life your children experience – whether they are residing in one residence or two. Always remember, you are parents first – and a couple struggling with marital or divorce issues second. Isn’t that the way it should be?

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Rosalind Sedacca’s Child-Centered Divorce Network provides numerous free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources for parents at www.childcentereddivorce.com, Her new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids… about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love! is also available at www.howdoitellthekids.com.

It’s no secret that one of the biggest challenges a parent faces after divorce is staying in good communication with your children. Obviously all parents struggle with communication issues as their children grow, but children who have had their lives dramatically altered by separation or divorce need even more attention – and diligent observation by their parents.

Children tend not to tell you when they are angry, resentful, confused, hurt or depressed. Instead they reflect their problems through their behavior – acting out or perhaps turning inward in ways that you have not experienced prior to the divorce.

Here are some tips that most all professionals agree about as ways to encourage positive and productive communication between you and your children. Many of these are obvious or innate behaviors. Some can easily be forgotten amid the challenges you are juggling in your own life on a daily basis.

Take time to see the world through your children’s eyes and you will be better able to meet their needs, understand their confusion or aggression and find appropriate  ways to dissolve tension through your conversation and caring behaviors.

• Be available and attentive when your child comes to you to talk or ask questions. That means turning off the TV, putting down the newspaper, not answering the phone and giving them eye-contact and a welcoming smile. Sometimes attempting to talk to you is the result of considerable thought and risk on their part. Encourage these conversations when they happen.

• It is helpful to sit, kneel or in other ways get down closer to your child’s level when you talk. Towering over them is a form of intimidation that does not translate into safety or trust.

• Keep your conversations private unless they want to include others. Let them know they are safe in confiding to you and that you are interested and care about matters that concern them.

• Don’t dismiss a subject lightly if it is one bothering your child. Laughing, joking or teasing will create alienation that ultimately will discourage your child to share what is bothering them with you. This is a dangerous road to travel, especially as your children develop into their teen years.

• Equally important is to never embarrass your children or put them on the spot in front of others. This will immediately close the door to honest, trustworthy communication.

• Avoid talking to your child when you are angry or upset with them or others. Promise to talk in a half-hour or hour at a specific place after you’ve had a chance to settle down and regain your objectivity.

• Be an active listener. Don’t interrupt while your child is talking. Listen carefully and then paraphrase back what you heard them say. Ask if you’re right in your interpretation. They’ll tell you. This give and tack will help you be more precisely understood what is really at issue.

• Asking why can be intimidating and close off your conversation. Instead ask what happened questions which keep the dialogue open.

• Be patient. Don’t react or respond until you get the full message. Sometimes it takes some meandering for your child to reach the crucial point of what they want to say. Don’t shut them off too soon!

• Remember that preaching, moralizing or “parenting” comments can put up barriers to clear communication. Listening is your most valuable skill and tool.

• Watch your judgments and put-downs, even with upsetting information. Don’t belittle your children, call them names or insult their behaviors. Talk to them – not at them! The difference is felt as respect.

• Acknowledge your children for coming to you. Praise their braveness. If you were at fault, apologize honestly and discuss how you can make changes for the future.

• Show that you accept and love them – even if their behaviors were not acceptable. Then help them come up with some acceptable solutions they can understand and feel good about.

Children who feel safe talking to their parents grow up as better communicators overall. They will be more likely to have healthy communication in their own adult relationships – with their spouses and children.

Families that keep feelings repressed, that don’t discuss issues that come up, send the message that it’s not all right to talk about things that bother us. The consequences of this can be seen in our nightly news headlines every day.

You can open the doors to caring communication in your home by starting today. Your children may be a little resistant at first as they test the waters, but they will surely appreciate this opportunity once they know you are sincere. Start the process yourself – and see how valuable it is to “hear” what your children have to say!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!  For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Divorce has many effects on children. No two children will react in exactly the same way. That’s why parents need to be diligent about watching for signs and indications that your child may be having problems coping with their new reality.

Depression is one of the more common reactions we see in children of divorce. Unfortunately, many parents entirely miss or misinterpret the signs of depression. It can take many forms including behavior that is distancing, lethargic and withdrawn. This is often accompanied by a drop in school grades. But depression can also show in other ways, such as agitation, frustration and aggression.

When depression takes that form, parents are likely to think of it in terms of discipline problems and respond with punishment. It takes maturity and a broader perspective to stand back and realize that your child’s misbehavior may actually be a way of communicating how they are feeling. Their confusion, anger, resentment and powerlessness to control their life circumstances get expressed physically because they don’t know how to verbalize those complex emotions.

Understanding and compassion goes a long way toward opening that door to communication. Instead of punishment, try talking about your new family situation and acknowledging areas that can be improved. Ask for suggestions. Try to get feedback, to create a dialog rather than lecturing.

The key for parents is in finding more time for emotional support and reassurance to help your child feel less alone or isolated – especially by the new circumstances in his or her life. If extended family – grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins are not close by, this becomes even more essential. Children need the support of emotional anchors – close family and friends – and the consequences of divorce too often isolates them from the very people who can best help them through the transition. For this reason you as a parent must continuously keep your eyes open for signs of emotional distress – and then quickly respond with love, attention, compassion and both physical and emotional support. 

Studies show that the rate of serious depression is increasing in children – up from 2% a generation ago to 23% for children up to age 20. Not all of it is divorce related, of course, but it still should be a wake-up call to parents. Don’t beat yourself up with guilt. That doesn’t serve any one in the family. But do be alert so you can address issues that come up early on, before they lead to far greater problems.
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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources  on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com