Divorce Without Dishonor

Max Sindell is a young man in his early twenties who has written a book for children titled, The Bright Side: Surviving Your Parents’ Divorce.

Sindell was six when his parents divorced. Over the next many years he experienced a wide array of significant divorce issues that affect so many families. These include coping with his parents’ arguments with and about one another, adjusting to travel between homes, remarriage, step siblings and juggling holidays and other special events. He wrote the book to help children identify their “voice” about all these issues. He also wants to show children ways to find the good that can come through and from divorce.

“The book is really supposed to be a quick handbook for making the most out of divorce and making it so that it’s the least of your problems,” Sindell says.  

Sindell uses his own life lessons to walk children through the “downsides” of divorce, and focuses on ways to best handle them. In his chapter titled, “The Good News and the Bed News,” he says “I’d honestly say that my parents’ divorce is one of the best things to ever happen to me in my entire life: That’s the good news.” “On the other hand, divorce can make you wake up one morning realizing how much everything sucks,” he also adds.

Other topics he discusses include: “You Are Never Going to Have One Home Again” and “Your Parents Are Going to Fight.” But within each discussion he also provides positive observations, such as learning how to travel at a young age and developing more independence.

Within the book Sindell also offers his personal bill of rights for divorced children. These are worth discussing with your children. It reminds them that they are not alone in what they are going through. And is empowers them to learn that they deserve and are entitled to “rights” as they move through and beyond the divorce. Let me share the first five with you, which Sindell says children should actually require to be part of their parents’ divorce agreement.

THE DIVORCED KIDS’ BILL OF RIGHTS
(Excerpt from The Bright Side: Surviving Your Parents’ Divorce)
I. The Right to Be Safe and Feel Safe – A child should feel safe and secure. If there ever is a time you don’t feel safe, tell your parents, and if you can’t tell them, tell a counselor or tell a friend. This is your most important right.

II. The Right to Awareness – Every child has a right to know what is going on. Your parents should not lie to you or hide the truth from you about anything to do with you. While some things should remain private between your parents until you are older, if they’re having a discussion about your schedule, you have the right to know and to make your voice heard.

III. The Right to Counseling – Divorce can make you feel like you don’t have a say and don’t make a difference, and that’s exactly where a counselor comes in. A counselor should be someone whom you can talk to privately, without your parents there, and who can help you with your situation.
School counselors are not the only people you can talk to. Adult friends of the family who are unbiased, or the parents of good friends of yours, are also good people to talk to.

IV. The Right to Be Heard – Sometimes, when your parents are trying to sort out what they think is best for you, they can forget to listen to the most important person: You! If you can’t get them to listen to you by yourself, it’s important to have someone — a counselor or a friend — talk for you.

V. The Right to Be Your Own Person – Before your parents were divorced, there was you, your mom, your dad, and the other people in your family. The same is true now. Your parents have to respect your right to feel the way you feel. In dealing with stepparents, or the people your parents are dating, your rights stand. You must tell both your parents and their friends when any boundaries are crossed. If those boundaries are crossed in a major way, and you don’t feel safe, tell a counselor.

Put yourself in your child’s shoes and give these Rights some serious consideration before making any further decisions affecting your children. Talk to your children about what this means. It might open the door to some very meaningful conversations about topics you’ve never before discussed. Empowered children are happier children — less resentful and less likely to act out to get your attention. Isn’t that what you really want?

*     *     *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

As co-founder of the Michigan SMILE program, an educational seminar for parents regarding the impact of divorce on children, I was delighted to read Michael Mastracci’s “Stop Fighting Over the Kids.”

Michael Mastracci’s approach makes it clear that parental conflict can be toxic for children and that every mother and father has the power to minimize that impact by learning and agreeing to put their children first. This book presents a road map to make this better outcome possible. I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to take their kids out of the middle and on the path to fulfillment of their potential.

Honorable Edward Sosnick, Circuit Court Judge
Co-founder of the Michigan SMILE Program for Divorcing Families

To say that I was impressed and pleased at what you have created is indeed an understatement. I found the book easy to read and jam-packed with insights, information and guidance, the likes of which I have yet to see anywhere else. 

I have been practicing custody litigation for over 27 years and I am a Certified Family Law Specialist here in California (so certified by the California State Bar Board of Legal Specialization) and I have, quite literally, seen it all in this area, as I suspect you have as well. You have created a resource I plan on sending my clients to as often as possible. 

Your book should be required reading for anyone with children, whether divorce or custody litigation is looming in their future or not.  This is a valuable read for parents, period. 

It helps us to understand the depths of the emotions and consequences that our behavior as adults and parents in these difficult situations can have on our children and their children’s children, and so on, quite literally for generations to come. 

The resources you provide are clear and even-handed.  You have created a road map for successful parenting that should become a staple in every custody lawyer’s library and a recommended resource on every courthouse web site.  I will continue to use, refer to and recommend this invaluable resource and I look forward to being able to direct my clients and my colleagues to a website where they can buy this book. 

Thank you Mike for writing this book. I can see that it has a lot of “you” in it and your candor, wisdom and guidance has already helped me as a parent and as a custody lawyer. You should be very, very proud of this work.

Marshall E. Waller, Certified Family Law Specialist

Dr. Phil “Best of the Best” Child Custody Attorney

 Talking to your children about your divorce may be one of the most difficult conversations you ever have. How do you talk to your children about an event that will turn their world upside down? How do you assure your children that you will both always love them even though you no longer love each other. How do you answer all their questions about how life will change when you don’t have all the answers yourself?

Award-winning professional speaker and writer Rosalind Sedacca has written an excellent book that provides a helpful, child-centered guide to parents about to have this important discussion with their children. We are among many divorce professionals who highly recommend Sedacca’s How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!  An outgrowth of Sedacca’s own divorce experience with her now-grown son, the book is filled with expert tips and insights for parents who want to help their children weather this life-changing event successfully.

Like collaborative divorce, Sedacca emphasizes a child-centered approach to divorce. Collaborative divorce maintains the strength and importance of the parent-child relationship during divorce. It encourages the development of positive communication skills between parents which allows both parents to continue interacting with and supporting their children throughout and after the divorce while building their own new lives. 

Mike Mastracci’s book is the best I have ever seen for people who are either heading for separation and possible divorce or are divorced and are struggling with shared parenting issues.

Every important potential problem is discussed in a down-to-earth and straight forward manner and every issue discussed comes with practical, clearly written, and absolutely do-able recommendations for their solution. And every recommendation regarding kids, in my professional opinion, is consistent with what we know would be important for their emotional health and well-being.

The author does a very good job of helping the reader understand what they can and cannot expect courts and judges to do. And the reasons why litigation should be a last-resort only and real effort should be made to avoid it are clearly and powerfully presented, as well as very practical steps that can be taken to succeed in avoiding litigation.

The author talks to the reader in such a compassionate, personal, and supportive manner that you immediately know that you are hearing from a person who sincerely wants to help and who really knows what he is talking about. Not only is this book of great potential help to those personally struggling with these issues but it can serve as an excellent source book for mental health professionals working in the area and students of all disciplines interested in family law.

Leon A. Rosenberg, Ph.D

Leon A. Rosenberg, Ph.D. is a Professor Emeritus in the Departments of Counseling, Psychiatry, and Pediatrics of the Johns Hopkins University and the Johns Hopkins School of Medicine, and is currently a consultant in the Division of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry at the Johns Hopkins Hospital. Dr. Rosenberg maintains a private practice specializing in consultation to attorneys and families in matters of divorce, custody, abuse and neglect, protection of children and the protection of parental rights.

“STOP Fighting Over the Kids” is must for parents contemplating separation and divorce and all professionals who work with families in transition. Being honest about his own family transition, Mike Mastracci provides a ‘how to’ about the many aspects which parents must deal with in addressing the needs of their children.

Mike found the ‘Big Rock,’ his center, his spiritual place that he shared with his son. He invites us all, particularly parents, to find their own  rocks to help them through and keep the focus of all decisions on the real best interests of their children.

At the same time, Mike addresses all professionals, judges, attorneys, mediators, mental health professionals working with families and challenges us to take the highest road for children. His discussion of collaborative law is particularly meaningful. Collaborative law builds a lasting road map for parents and provides an active voice for children so that their developmental needs are heard and addressed.

It is time in our contemporary society, for each of us who works with families and is part of a family, to define what children really need in order to grow and thrive. Mike Mastracci has accomplished this in his book and in his wonderful relationship with his son, the best testimony to taking the high road which Mike advocates for all of us.

Risa Garon, LCSW-C, BCD, CFLE

Risa Garon is the Executive Director, National Family Resiliency Center. You can visit the National Family Resiliency Center on the Web at www.DivorceABC.com.

For more than 30 years, the U.S. Government has pursued the payment of financial child support as one of its top priorities. Of course, every parent should provide for the economic necessities of his or her child, but what about emotional child support, which is another term for parenting?

Why doesn’t the government pursue the improvement of parenting of children with anywhere near the same zeal as it pursues financial support? Is the government saying that money is far more important than good parents? This seems to be what it claims by virtue of the huge priority the government places on one over the other.

The result of this misplacement of values has put a generation of children at risk whose parents are separated, divorced, or never married. When you hear of children becoming involved in drugs, crime, dropping out of school, or pregnant as teenagers, the odds are more than two to one that these are children raised by single parents. More than 80 percent of felons in prison were raised without a father.

Single parents are to be commended for all they do for their children, but the fact is that children are born with, loved and raised by two parents: a mother and a father. And most single parents would like the other parent to be involved, but we must do more to encourage what has been a historical, cultural and social norm in virtually every society. This is not to say that children raised in other family configurations cannot turn out well – a parent is a parent and should be supported as such — but data clearly shows that children raised by their moms and dads have an advantage in life.

The U.S. started out on a great adventure in the 1970’s with the women’s rights movement and the civil rights movement to turn a new page in American history. But still, those movements, for all the good they have done, have created a huge number of single parents. Research was slow to reveal that children with both moms and dads active in their lives actually perform better on every social indicator of childhood behavior. Indeed, it was the 1990’s, when that research began to show the problematic results of a generation of children raised by only single parents, that a new reality began to emerge.

That included organizations such as my Children’s Rights Council (actually begun in 1985) and parent support groups around the country working to counsel non-custodial parents on how to handle custody, access (visitation) and financial child support issues. Books and research also increasingly focused on parenting topics. Some books dealt with parenting in general, while others focused primarily on the at-risk population of children whose parents are separated, divorced, or never-married. As head of the Children’s Rights Council since its inception, I am familiar with most of the literature. Many of these books are quite good, but I can assure you that Mike Mastracci’s “Stop Fighting Over the Kids” is one of the best.

It ranks high because of the author’s 20-year law practice working to help families, his familiarity with the problems they face, his experiences establishing and operating an Access Center for Families, and having served on various legal committees in Maryland, and around the country, which gave him further depth and experience.

Most importantly, Mike is a gifted writer. He is able to convey his sound advice in clear, convincing prose. He covers all topics with practical advice and sensible approaches. If parents have to get divorced, they would do well to read this book before they take a single step to hiring a lawyer or driving to the court house. This is because the decisions you make from Step 1 – considering divorce — all the way to raising your children to adulthood and beyond, will be enhanced by a reading of this book and the terrific advice that Mastracci has to offer. There is not one step in resolving day-to-day custody conflict in divorce situations that this book does not cover in terms that will help you and the other parent keep your child out of the middle of a custody battle. Be assured that custody battles will harm your child. Your conflict will reach the ears, heart and mind of the child. It cannot help but make him or her worry and fret, no matter how hard you try to insulate her or him from the struggle.

So make your best attempt to put your child first, lessening the pain to your child and you. Help yourself to a generous dollop of wisdom that will help you and every member of your family come out as unscarred as possible from what is happening around you.

“Stop Fighting Over the Kids” let Mike Mastracci show you how. It will be worth it.

David L. Levy, J.D.

David Levy is the Board President, the Children’s Rights Council (CRC).

You can visit the Children’s Rights Council on the Web at www.CRCkids.org.

“STOP Fighting Over the Kids”, by Attorney Mike Mastracci, will become a
classic, to be added to the shelves of all professionals who work with separating and divorcing families. It is a personal and comprehensive work which is both inspirational as well as practical. Attorney Mastracci pulls no punches. He speaks directly to parents, reminding them of their highest obligation, which is to keep their children safe, secure, well cared for and healthy.

This direct, no-nonsense, sometimes colorful, approach is effective because he weaves his personal experiences with his professional ones; every word hits the right note. The lists of Do’s and Don”ts at the end of most chapters will become easy reference guides for parents. I can see myself printing out some of those lists to hand to particular clients; they are that practical and realistic. Buy this book by the dozen and start handing it out to your clients now.

Attorney Rita S. Pollak

Rita S. Pollak is the Past-President of the International Academy of  Collaborative Professionals (IACP), Past President of the Massachusetts Collaborative Law Council (MCLC), and Past President of the Massachusetts chapter of the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts (AFCC).

You can visit her on the Web at www.collaborativepractice.com.

Curl up with a good book and get in touch with your feelings, so you can work your way through your divorce, and begin anew. Here are a few titles from Amazon that capture the breakthrough thinking that we embrace on Divorce Without Dishonor. We thought we would just mention a few titles, in case you wanted to hear a different voice.

Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, 3rd Edition (Rebuilding Books; For Divorce and Beyond) by Bruce Fisher (Paperback – Jan 2005)

The Divorce Organizer & Planner by Brette McWhorter Sember (Paperback – May 28, 2004)

The Truth About Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions So You and Your Children Can Thrive by Robert E., Ph.D. Emery (Hardcover – Aug 1, 2004) – Bargain Price

Your Divorce Advisor : A Lawyer and a Psychologist GuideYou Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce by Diana Mercer and Marsha Kline Pruett (Paperback – Feb 2001)

Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way by M. Gary Neuman (Paperback – Jul 27, 1999)

The Truth About Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions So You and Your Children Can Thrive by Robert E., Ph.D. Emery (Hardcover – Aug 1, 2004)

"Divorce Without Dishonor" is the brand name for the upcoming book and seminar series. It is in the formative stages and we are looking for titles and topic ideas. We can do it, you can help.

Got any ideas you would like to share?

For some of our current ideas….read on: