Divorce Without Dishonor

Study results that were released in mid-December 2007 stated that parents who choose to end a marriage are not less capable following a divorce. This study was conducted in Canada at the University of Alberta.

Researchers admitted that the findings go against the commonly held beliefs about what divorce does to children and to the parent-child bond. We are usually told that divorce shatters children and can really damage the emotional connection with one or both parents.

The study focused on three aspects of parenting: how parents nurture, how consistent they are, and how they punish their children. Researchers found that parents in solid unions and parents who had divorced both functioned in the same way in these areas before and after a divorce.

One of the head researchers did admit, however, that there are parents who do not cope well with divorce and that this strain will have a bearing on their parenting skills.

Studies or no, we all know that stress causes us to alter our behavior and the stress of a contentious divorce will have an effect on your children.

When you opt for a collaborative divorce, you are choosing a path that will give you a greater sense of calm.

When you and your spouse decide to end your marriage, this does not just affect the two of you. It affects your family and friends as well. Sometimes you will hear people talk about who took sides in a divorce. There are bickering couples that divide friends as if they were property to be distributed.

Those closest to you are not the ones going through the divorce, but do not underestimate the effect it will have on them. For some of them you may have been an example. Others will feel your pain because they have already been through it. In fact they may in some ways relive their own divorce as they see you going through yours.

We cannot say that a collaborative divorce will ease the pain or discomfort that those in your social circle will feel when you divorce, but we can say that the spirit of cooperation will help you handle the fallout better.

If a family member or friend starts to badmouth your former spouse or gives unsolicited advice about vengeful ways you can deal with the situation, you can calmly tell them that the two of you are handling the divorce in a calm manner.

Unlike court-ordered divorce decisions, collaborative divorce allows you and your spouse the flexibility to re-evaluate and adapt as your children’s needs change over time. Court-ordered decrees strive to set custody arrangements that will stand until children reach the age of majority and can make their own decisions. But children’s lives are not static. Custody and support arrangements and many other decisions you make when your children are 2 or 3 may not meet their needs when they are 7 or 8 and will certainly be outdated when your children enter the pre-teen and teen years. Your ability to be flexibility and to compromise with each other will allow you and your spouse to continue to do what is best for your children as they mature.

As your children grow and their needs change, you may have to change the way you allocate parental time, responsibilities and resources to meet their new needs. By establishing avenues of positive communication and cooperative problem-solving during the collaborative divorce process, you and your spouse will have the skills to work together and provide the necessary flexibility to effectively parent your children now and in the future.

Divorce can take a heavy emotional toll on your children. The turmoil and acrimony that accompany divorce can have life-long repercussions for your children, affecting their ability to make and maintain healthy adult relationships as they mature. More than 50% of children from divorced homes wind up in failed marriages. There is a correlation between living through divorce and the ability to commit to a relationship as an adult.

Collaborative divorce allows parents to exhibit positive role modeling for their children during and after divorce. You and your spouse can choose to model good communication  and effective problem solving for your children, instead of the contempt, destructive sarcasm, criticism and defensive behavior so common during divorce. Through collaborative divorce, you can teach your children to confront problems rationally and compromise to achieve fair solutions.

The collaborative process uses a team approach to help you and your spouse develop skills in active listening, rational thinking, anger management, creative problem solving, and effective communication. As you develop and practice these skills through the collaborative divorce process, you create a basis for continued positive interaction as you parent your children after divorce. You also model for your children positive, mature, adult behavior on which they can model their own future relationships.

You’re probably still paying Christmas bills, and tax time is already rolling around. Money — and how to save it — is on everyone’s mind. Divorce is expensive and protracted litigation can increase costs exponentially, leaving you and your spouse with staggering legal bills to contend with as you as you each struggle to begin a new phase of life. While collaborative divorce is not necessarily cheap — a lot depends on the complexity of the issues and the number of meetings required to resolve them — it does allow you to exert better control over your divorce costs.

By choosing collaborative divorce, you and your spouse make a commitment to spending your resources on your family and not on a contentious legal battle. You make a conscious decision to place the needs and support of your children above petty — and legally expensive — battling with your spouse.

Most often, children whose parents divorce face a future with significantly less financial security that children from intact marriages. It simply costs more to maintain two households than one. Funds for school trips, enriching activities, and college are often limited or non-existent. Collaborative divorce allows you and your spouse to design a child support arrangement that meets the needs of your specific family. You do not have to contend with arbitrarily imposed court requirements, but can work together to provide your children with maximum financial stability.

In a collaborative divorce, each spouse usually hires their own divorce coach to help them learn to communicate and negotiate more effectively. These coaches are an integral part of the collaborative divorce team. They teach life skills that will form the basis for your post-divorce relationship with your spouse. If you have children, the skills learned from your divorce coach can make co-parenting go more smoothly after the divorce.

Your divorce coach will provide you will skilled help in:

• Managing your emotions appropriately.
• Separating your thoughts from your feelings.
• Thinking through emotionally charged issues.
• Learning to talk about difficult problems in a businesslike manner.
• Setting short and long-term goals for yourself, your children and your co-parenting relationship.

Conflict management, creative problem-solving, negotiation and productive communication are among the valuable life skills you can learn with the help of your divorce coach. Your coach can help you identify bad habits and problem areas in your relationship with your spouse and learn to communicate more productively. Divorce coaches help you and your spouse focus more clearly on your individual goals and the positive changes that can come about as a result of your divorce.

If you’re a subscriber, look for the latest issue of the Divorce Without Dishonor newsletter in your inbox. If you haven’t subscribed yet, it’s easy. Just click this link and fill in your email information in the box in right-hand column.

In the current issue, you’ll find a fascinating article on how collaborative divorce benefits children. With 60% of American marriages ending in divorce and a third of them involving bitter conflict, often about child custody, collaborative divorce provides a much-needed positive solution. One million children will be involved in divorce this year. They are more likely to develop behavior problems, psychiatric illness and addictions. Children of divorce are 50% more likely to divorce than children from intact homes, perpetuating the cycle.

With its emphasis on children’s needs and focus on respectful communication and creative problem-solving between divorcing spouses, collaborative divorce offers real hope for breaking the cycle of divorce. Click here to read the full newsletter article.

In this issue of the Divorce Without Dishonor newsletter, you’ll also find helpful information on separating from your spouse and a tip sheet for moving out. Don’t miss your opportunity to receive our informative newsletter; sign up today.

My new book, Stop Fighting Over the Kids, Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations, will be available soon on Amazon.com. An e-book version will also be available in the near future. To receive advanced notification of the book’s availability on Amazon, email my webmaster at: webmaster@mccordweb.com.

My own acrimonious divorce and bitter child custody battle led me to search for a better, less damaging way to end a marriage. In collaborative divorce I have found a way for partners to separate their lives without destroying them. Collaborative divorce emphasizes the well-being of each member of the family, with a special emphasis on the needs of the children. It allows for creative, outside-the-box solutions to custody issues that are tailored to the individual needs of each family.

Proceedings take place outside the courtroom, usually in a lawyer’s or counselor’s office,  in an atmosphere of support, problem-solving and conflict resolution. Collaborative divorce allows both parties to establish and practice effective communication habits that will allow them to parent cooperatively after divorce. Collaborative divorce recognizes and emphasizes the importance of both parents in their children’s lives and helps to structure child custody arrangements that meet the changing needs of the child, as well as the capabilities of the parents.

If your marriage is ending, I urge you and your spouse to consider collaborative divorce and stop fighting over the kids, for your sake and theirs.

Talking to your spouse about choosing a collaborative divorce instead of traditional adversarial litigation may take some convincing. Your spouse may not understand the benefits of collaborative divorce or may confuse it with mediation. In his/her anger or hurt, your spouse may not believe that collaborative divorce will be “fair” to them. Collaborative divorce is a newer concept, and your spouse may not even know that it is an option. 

In previous blog posts (see posts starting January 19), we’ve discussed the benefits of collaborative divorce and how to talk to your spouse. You may be surprised to find that your spouse is equally willing to embrace a divorce that avoids the emotional and economic toll of litigation, particularly if there are children involved. Your spouse may be relieved by your interest in a constructive, respectful, cooperative divorce that emphasizes productive conflict resolution, not conflict.

However, the skeptical spouse may take a little persuading. Try these suggestions to convince your spouse that collaborative divorce will benefit both of you:

• Prepare an information packet about collaborative divorce. If you have contacted a collaborative divorce attorney, they may have materials you can use. If your spouse is particularly angry or hurt, ask a trusted friend to pass along the information.
• Invite your spouse to call and talk to a collaborative divorce lawyer or coach. If you have selected a collaborative attorney, ask them to send an introductory letter and information packet to your spouse.
• Provide your spouse with a list of websites that discuss and/or offer collaborative divorce services. Give them the link to this blog and others you may have found helpful.
• Enlist the aid of your marriage counselor or your children’s counselor. First make certain the counselor is educated and can speak knowledgably about the process.
• Consider asking your church pastor or a close family member or friend to discuss the positive benefits of collaborative divorce with your spouse.

Continuing our previous post, today we talk about setting the stage for the actual discussion with your spouse about the benefits of collaborative divorce over traditional litigation. 

• Set a time to have the conversation with your spouse when neither of you will be rushed or distracted by other people or activities. Consider your spouse’s probable reaction. If you think your spouse might become angry, you may want to have the conversation in a public place. If the conversation is apt to make your spouse depressed, consider meeting at your counselor’s office. If you feel your spouse will want unbiased information, you might choose to meet at a collaborative attorney’s office where questions can be immediately answered.
• Before the conversation, take time to prepare yourself. Try to relax. Remind yourself to make “I” statements (I feel …, I think …) which are less inflammatory.
• Make every effort to remain calm during the discussion, even if you are provoked. If your composure starts to slip, leave the room for a moment until you regain control. Do make sure you return to complete the discussion.

Next time: What to do if your spouse needs convincing that a collaborative divorce will be a positive step for both of you.