Divorce Without Dishonor

When I was in law school one of the adjunct professors was a circuit court judge with years of experience presiding over cases involving dueling parents arguing about virtually every aspect of their children’s lives. His advice, probably the best advise in three years of law school, was to know your judge. His Honor was not speaking about knowing the judge personally (although that never hurts) but knowing what he or she is likely to do in any given situation or factual scenario. What does that mean?

In a contested child custody case, when it is all said and done, you will have given a great portion of your child’s future determinations to a virtual stranger in a black robe. Why? The judge does not know your children and probably never will. Before you let a judge decide your children’s fate you might want to ask yourself a few questions such as: How long has this judge been a judge and how many child custody cases has he or she decided? What are her pet peeves? Does she tend to favor men or women. What did he do before becoming a judge? What is his judicial temperament like? How much time will he give us to present our case? Has he been divorced? Is he arrogant and egotistical? Will she like me? Will she like my ex? Does she have children? Does my lawyer think the judge is good, bad, intelligent or dumb as a bag of rocks?

People often tend to forget that judges are people, people who likely either knew the governor or knew people close to the governor in order to get appointed. Judges are not necessarily appointed because they are smart. There is no judgeship test or certification to wear the robe once appointed (that is appointed and not anointed as some may think).

There are many judges who care deeply about the divorce and child custody litigants that come before them. There are many fine judges that have earned the respect of the lawyers and the citizens that appear before them. They may have the best of intentions and have all the good qualities one may hope for and yet they may make a ruling that will haunt you and your family for years to come. Why would you let this happen?

While judges generally receive a great deal of respect you cannot forget that they are people too and we all have shortcomings and we all have faults and areas of our lives that could use some improvement. A judge goes to work just like anyone else. For a judge, deciding the custody and child access issues of your case would be just a routine part of any given day; just another day at the office. Don’t lose sight of these sorts of things when you decide to take your business to the courthouse. From this day forward, make sure you are in the business of co-parenting.

And remember, when a court order is entered it lasts until your child reaches the age of majority unless modified by agreement or subsequent court order. Look for alternatives to litigation and do all you can to Stop Fighting Over the Kids.

You’re getting divorced and you’re angry, resentful, hurt, vindictive or any combination of other painful emotions. You want to lash out, to get back at your spouse or boost your own sense of esteem. Hiring the most aggressive litigious divorce lawyer you can find seems like your smartest choice. Your ex is in for a fight!

If you’re a parent who is thinking along those lines, you’re making a choice you may long regret.
 
If you choose a lawyer who directs you straight into a vicious court battle, the costs to you will be insurmountable – not only in financial outlay, but in emotional turmoil as well. Think long and hard before you move your divorce battle into the legal system. It is likely to take its toll on every member of your family – including your children – in the most destructive and gut-wrenching ways. It happens all the time. But it need not happen to you.

When you give your divorce outcome over to the courts, you are paving the way to unimaginable stress and frustration compounded by a sense of powerlessness that is hard to comprehend until you are in its grips. As you stand by and watch attorneys and judges make decisions about your life and your future you can’t help but feel violated and helpless. The taste of revenge that you were after can easily turn into anxiety and shock when issues get twisted and victors become victims right before your eyes. The consequences can play out for years, and often decades, to come.
 
Sadly, your children are not protected from the emotional and psychological repercussions. When custody decisions are made by those who are focused more on financial issues than family issues, children’s needs often get pushed aside in favor of other objectives. Relationships, balance and good will are not prime objectives in the battle of divorce, and the scars on your children’s psyches are often overlooked in the legal blood-bath that ensues.

There are other ways. Better ways. And more ways than ever before to create a divorce that respects the rights of every one in the family.

Before engaging that “killer” attorney, talk to a Collaborative Divorce attorney who specializes in creating peaceful outcomes without going to court. Collaborative Lawyers are trained to use their own special skills along with the aid of financial planners, therapists, mediators and other resources to bring both sides into conversation about win-win outcomes. Children’s needs get high consideration.

Certified Mediators offer another opportunity to create a fair settlement without litigation at a considerable cost savings. Many mediators are former divorce attorneys who have battled it out in court and know there are saner solutions for all concerned. They care about creating peaceful resolutions.

Learn from the lessons and mistakes of others. If you want to save yourself considerable expense – both emotionally and financially – and if you want your children to thank you when they are grown up for creating a civilized, sensible, harmonious divorce – make the right decisions today. Stay out of court. Stay out of the hands of killer attorneys. Stay in the good graces of your children. Create a Child-Centered Divorce – and reap the rewards for years to come!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

The disastrous economy is creating some unusual and thorny problems for divorcing couples. People who used to view their home as an asset worth fighting for, now see it as a financial liability. The question “Who gets the house?” has become a property settlement hot potato with neither side wanting to accept the financial burden of paying mortgage payments on the family home.

With property values still plummeting, many homeowners owe more on their mortgages than their homes are worth. Such negative home equity has forced some divorced couples to continue living together while they wait for their home to sell. Without money from the house sale, they can’t afford two separate households. A Boca Raton couple facing this problem has managed to live under the same roof as friends by focusing on their children and personal growth while they wait for the housing market to improve.

Collaborative divorce can set the groundwork for an amicable divorce that can allow couples to craft creative solutions to property settlement issues during these difficult economic times. To find out more, contact collaborative family lawyer Mike Mastracci in Baltimore, Maryland.

The holidays are a special time for children. There’s the excitement of Santa, presents under the tree, holiday treats and special activities. Every family develops their own special holiday traditions over the years. When I was growing up, making sugar cookies was one of the highlights of our celebration. Mom would roll out the dough while we took turns cutting out the Christmas shapes. But our favorite part was decorating. We’d load the cookies up with chocolate sprinkles, silver balls, cinnamon dots and raisins then bury them in a thick layer of red and green sugar. Eating them hot out of the oven with tall glasses of milk was pure bliss.

These are the things that make a holiday special for children. It’s the loss of family traditions like this that make separation or divorce particularly painful for children during the holidays. In the rush to buy and wrap presents, clean the house, stock the larder, visit family and deal with their own emotions, parents often lose sight of how much their children count on — and miss — small family traditions like making cookies or decorating the tree together.

In the spirit of the holidays, whether you celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah or Kwanza, talk to your spouse about putting aside your differences and making this a nice celebration for your children. Collaborate on schedules and activities. If you work together and focus on your children, you should be able to include in your holiday plans many of the special family traditions that make the holidays a magical time for your children — and you.

A recent article I read talks about proposed changes to child custody legislation. An investigative committee is being formed to consider whether “shared parenting may be the best custodial situation for all children of divorcing parents.”

While I am a strong advocate of shared parenting – it worked very successfully for me – I do not believe it’’s the right or only answer for everyone. Because every situation is different when it comes to divorce, I certainly don’’t believe legislation should be determining custody outcomes for any family. These are issues that caring, conscious parents should be deciding together with only one goal in mind – the very best interest of their children.

Unfortunately, too many parents approach this issue as adversaries. When child custody becomes a battle, everyone loses. Parents are pitted against each other and innocent children inevitably pay the price.

When custodial decisions move into contention, creating a scenario where legislation and courts determine the direction of your children’s future, you not only lose power in your life, you lose harmony within your already fragile family structure.

There is another way. When you create a child-centered divorce, your children win – on every level. Parents who make a concerted effort to sit down with each other and discuss the future well-being of their kids together, keep their perspective where it really belongs – on the children. To do this, they must take into account and ask themselves some very serious questions:

• What’s best for our children today, tomorrow and in the years to come?
• How can we minimize the physical, emotional and spiritual damage inflicted upon our children as a result of our pending divorce?
• How can we best support our children through this difficult time?
• How can we show your love and compassion for them as they move through challenges they did not ask for — or create?
• What can we do to boost their sense of security, self-esteem and well-being during the transitions ahead?
• Who can provide the least traumatic home environment for the children – and for what percent of each day, week, month and year?
• How can each of us best contribute our assets – physical, emotional and spiritual – to create harmony, good will and peace within the changed family structure?
• How will our children look back at this divorce a year, five years, ten years and more from now? Will they understand?
• How can we make life better for our children after the divorce than it was before?

The answers to these questions are not simple, nor are they black and white. They require honest communication between two mature adults who have their children’s best interest at heart. And yes, it may likely take more than the two of you to come to resolution on all the child-custody details. That’s where you can enlist the aid of professionals — mediators, enlightened attorneys like Mike Mastracci, therapists, counselors, life coaches and clergy. These experienced and knowledgeable experts will approach your divorce from a child-focused perspective. They have the tools and insight to help you reach agreement on issues that will affect the total well-being of your children in the least-derisive manner.

As tough as this process may appear, wouldn’t you prefer to make these decisions together, before you approach the court – and lawyers – rather than having them made for you?

When parents let the negative emotions they’re feeling toward their spouses – hatred, hurt, disappointment, guilt, shame, anxiety, frustration, mistrust and more – influence their decisions about child-custody issues, they are sabotaging their children. It is selfish, insensitive and extremely unproductive to let your personal vendetta determine the relationship your children have with their other parent. You are allowing personal satisfaction to get in the way of your parental responsibilities toward your kids. And the cost – to them as well as to you – will be high. (Many children, as they grow, come to resent a parent who keeps them from having a positive relationship with their other parent, leading to alienation and other negative outcomes.)

Upcoming articles in this series will address some of the questions loving parents need to address in creating a child-centered divorce as well as the consequences when parents put their own needs before those of their children. I value your comments and suggestions as we explore this important topic for families touched by separation or divorce.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

While a divorce can be one of the most traumatic events of an adult’s life, the keys to dealing with divorce can be found in the behavioral patterns of early childhood. Dr. Deb Hecker explores the similarities between developing oneself as a human being and redeveloping oneself as a newly single person. Understanding these similarities will aid divorce attorneys in both dealing with and understanding their clients’ emotional needs and state of mind.

Introduction

Aiding your clients in the transition from being part of a couple to being successfully divorced has as much to do with exercising emotional intelligence as legal intelligence. Some of the most difficult impasses in divorce are based on unresolved emotional issues, not concerns over division of property or even custody issues. At these times, a lawyer focusing solely on the facts or content of the case simply cannot help the client move beyond the emotional stalemate.

Most of the literature on the psychology of divorce treats divorce as the death of a relationship and focuses on the necessity of grieving that death in order to move forward as a no-longer-married person. The end of a marriage can be as traumatic as the actual death of a loved one in its capacity to wrench life apart and carve out a piece of the soul. All domestic attorneys have witnessed their clients’ emotional chaos — an emotional state that Abigail Trafford in her book “Crazy Time, Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life” refers to as “temporary insanity”.

In order to more fully understand why divorce is such a devastating transition and why otherwise nice people behave so badly during divorce — badly enough to inadvertently interfere in the process — it is vital for divorce attorneys to have a grasp of the psychology of separation. A concerned and sensitive divorce attorney should understand how transitioning from being part of a couple complete with the emotional, social, and financial security that comes from being a part of a team to being single and self-reliant can create such emotional upheaval for their clients.

The metamorphosis from being part of a marital couple to becoming a single, unattached person is a series of developmental stages paralleling the early years of the mother-child bond, as described by pioneering researcher, Dr. Margaret Mahler. In her groundbreaking book The Psychological Birth of the Human Infant: Symbiosis and Individuation, Mahler outlines her model of child development, which one can directly apply to the interactive characteristics of a couple’s relationship.

The following brief description of Mahler’s theory on separation-individuation provides the framework for understanding the process through which a child must transition in order to achieve a separate identity from its mother. After exploring the mother-child dyad, we will look at how it serves as the foundation for the marital relationship and what happens when that relationship dissolves.

Child Developmental Stages

Mahler saw the infant as being born into a normal autistic phase whose primary task is to establish equilibrium outside the womb. At around two months old, the infant’s sensitivity to external stimulation increases, and he moves into the symbiotic phase. The term “symbiosis” in this context is a metaphor describing the “undifferentiation” — a fusion with the mother in which the “I” is not yet differentiated from the “not-I”. According to Mahler, it is the symbiotic phase that becomes the template for all gratification as well as empathy and love in future relationships.

At about five or six months, the differentiation phase begins, and the infant becomes more alert to his external surroundings — exploring both the mother and the environment. Using his body, the baby learns his outer physical boundaries, thereby experiencing greater differentiation from the mother. Soon thereafter, the practicing phase begins in which the child, according to Mahler, develops a “love affair” with the world, learning to crawl and walk away from the mother. Assuming she is comfortable with this leap of autonomy, the child will successfully enter the rapprochement phase, a difficult time when the child is more ambivalent about his growing independence and begins to manifest a lot of push-pull behavior. Finally, consolidation of individuality begins to take place, and all previous mother-child interactions become internalized and begin to form the basis of the child’s feelings of well being and capacity for healthy future relationships.

The Marital Couple’s Developmental Stages

Using Mahler’s early childhood developmental stages as a springboard, we can explore the evolution of a couple’s relationship.

One can liken the first stage of couplehood, that of being “madly in love”, to Mahler’s second stage of infant growth — symbiosis. The purpose of this stage is attachment. In this stage, singles begin merging lives and personalities and go through a period of intense bonding. If each person receives nurture from the other during this stage and the agreement to form a couple is clear, the relationship will begin with a solid foundation. The partners conceptualize their relationship in terms of a fusion model: together, we shall be one. They look to each other for completion and fulfillment.

During the subsequent differentiation stage, individual differences emerge, and each partner is taken down from the pedestal and viewed more objectively. Greater boundaries are established. Disillusion and disappointment are inevitable.

Continuing the parallel with Mahler’s model, the couple enters a normal period of practicing in which each participates in activities and relationships away from the other. Separateness, autonomy, and self become more important than developing the relationship. Conflicts intensify, and a healthy process for conflict resolution becomes necessary in order for the couple to maintain an emotional connection while developing themselves in the world. After each has developed a well-defined, competent identity, the couple alternates between periods of increased intimacy and efforts to reestablish independence. This rapprochement stage achieves a balance between “me” and “we”. Finally, the couple reaches a stage of mutual interdependence in which, ideally, two well-integrated people are individually and mutually satisfied.

Loss of Mate: The Psychology of Divorce

Inevitably, the early mother-child bond will fall short of perfectly meeting all of the child’s needs and desires. Looking to one’s spouse to meet these unfulfilled needs often becomes a convenient way to fill the gap in adulthood. Unconsciously, dependency is shifted from the parent to the mate, who becomes the recipient of these unmet needs.

While this may appear on the surface to be a reasonable solution, it is, in fact, fraught with real problems. Left unattended, these problems can lead the couple to serious conflict, even divorce.

Let’s look at a common marital dynamic. The typical couple starts off their partnership in the symbiotic phase, the fusion model, where they are both working toward oneness. What happens if one partner transitions into the differentiation or practicing phase and begins seeking greater independence, while the other remains in the symbiotic phase still yearning for the security of the marriage and locked in the maternal fantasy role? The result is likely to be a bumpy ride with one partner seeking closeness and the other distance, creating a kind of seesaw effect. With the help of a marriage counselor, some couples can remedy this imbalance. For others, the disparity is too difficult to change, and divorce becomes the only solution.

The depth with which marital partners touch each other in their intimate lives, striving to achieve a balance between closeness and distance, must be understood in order to grasp the severity of the loss through divorce. Losing a spouse who is perceived as a protector and savior, much the same way that a parent is perceived, can be a devastating and frightening blow. When attorneys understand divorce in the context of uprooting a deep psychological anchor from its mooring, the dramas that they see daily in their office are much easier to comprehend.

Conclusions

Most divorce attorneys understand that much of the time spent with clients centers on the clients’ emotional needs and personal problems resulting from their loss. Understanding how the separation process provides ample triggers for hurt, sadness, anger, and fear enables an attorney to prevent those emotions from throwing up roadblocks to progress and successful legal resolution.

In some respects, matrimonial lawyers face many of the same challenges that trained psychotherapists do, but without the benefit of training in how to manage these emotions. Although divorce lawyers do not need to be trained psychotherapists to represent their clients successfully, they need to do what they can to reduce conflict and promote a divorce environment that helps their client remain focused, calm, and goal-directed. An empathetic divorce attorney can see through the anger, greed, and grief and not allow it to impede a successful legal resolution.

A person beginning the divorce process often looks at issues through childish eyes, repeating the early behavior patterns described by Mahler and subconsciously subverting the divorce process. A divorce attorney who understands the psychological stages the client is experiencing can better promote adult behavior and provide quality legal resolution.

Since many, if not most, individuals in the midst of divorce will feel alone and frightened at some point, it can be difficult and sometimes nearly impossible for them to make rational decisions that are in their own best interests. Clients in this vulnerable state often become dependent on their divorce attorneys — looking for someone to “take care of everything”. It is vital that the divorce attorney resist the client’s misplaced dependency needs and feelings of helplessness. By involving them in the decision-making process, they will instead foster their independence.

Sound legal judgment, uncomplicated by the client’s emotions, will help minimize costly post-divorce conflicts. Armed with the knowledge that the client’s behavior is based in deeper emotional issues, a savvy divorce attorney can reduce exposure to ethical complaints as well as reduce his own stress levels.

Finally, if the pressure of dealing with the client’s emotional problems becomes too stressful, referring a client to a competent divorce counselor will benefit both the client and attorney. Coordinating the emotional divorce with the legal divorce is an excellent way of easing and shortening the divorce process.

About the Author

Deborah Hecker, Ph.D. is a divorce counselor. You can visit Dr. Deborah Hecker on the web at http://www.drdeborahhecker.com/ or by phone at 1.888.777.3585.

Divorce rates seem to be declining slightly. Not because people want to stay married, but because they can’t afford to get divorced. It’s an unhealthy repercussion of our current economic woes. Finances, which are the primary source of family strife, are forcing unhappy couples to remain in dysfunctional marriages.

Historically, divorce rates rise during difficult economic times. The 1997 recession brought a 17% spike in divorces. But, like the Great Depression when divorce rates fell in the 1930s, the severity of the current recession is bucking the trend. People who can barely afford to support one household can’t afford the cost of separating.

With housing prices at historic lows in a sluggish market, the sale of the family home can no longer be counted on to provide the financial capital necessary to pay attorneys’ fees and re-establish both spouses. Tight credit contributes to the financial difficulties of separating. The whole situation makes for a lot of unhappy people living together out of necessity, not love.

Collaborative divorce is the answer. Far less expensive than traditional litigation, collaborative divorce allows couples to make their own decisions, divide their property, and establish custody procedures with the help of an attorney but outside the court system. For couples desperate to end their marriage, but who worry about their financial ability to do so, collaborative divorce offers hope. To find out more and view a sample collaborative divorce document, visit my website.

No one plans to get divorced. But more than one million children in the U.S. will experience its affects this year alone. Divorce has become a reality in our culture and innocent children are coping with the consequences every day.

The good news is that divorce need not wound and scar your children if you put their emotional and psychological needs first when making crucial decisions. It’s misguided parents – angry, resentful, hurt and mistrusting – who unintentionally set their children up for painful outcomes. These parents don’t understand that every decision they make regarding their divorce will effect the well-being of their children in countless ways. The emotional scars are not only harder to see, they’re also much harder to erase.

Here are five keys to helping your children move through and thrive after divorce.

1) Remind them this is not their fault.

Children tend to blame themselves for divorce, no matter how bad Mom and Dad’s relationship has been. The younger the child, the more likely this is so. Sit down together and talk to your children, emphasizing that they are in no way at fault. You can say something like: “Mom and Dad don’t agree about certain key issues and that has created conflict. Even when some of the issues are about you, it does not mean you are to blame. You are an innocent child who we both love. Sadly, Mom and Dad disagree about certain important issues — but not about our love for you. You are not in any way at fault.”

2) Focus on change — not on blame.

Divorce is all about change within the family structure. Often those changes can be beneficial and create a more peaceful environment for your children. Never burden them with adult information and judgments. Focus instead on the fact that change is an inevitable part of life and not necessarily bad. Let your children see that everything in life keeps changing. “You grow bigger every year. Seasons change, clothing styles change, your school classes change. Sometimes it takes a while to get used to changes, like when you get a new teacher or try a new sport. In time you may come to like these new changes. Let’s give it a try.”
 

3) Respect your child’s other parent.

When you belittle, put down or in any way disrespect your ex – regardless how justified it may feel – it hurts your children in deep and long-lasting ways. Children innately love both their parents and feel a connection to them. When you insult their other parent it creates confusion, guilt, sadness, insecurity and low self-esteem in your children. Instead, remind them that Mom and Dad will always be their parents and will always love them. No one will replace Mom or Dad either. “We will both always love you and be there for you, no matter where we live or how things should change.” Then strive to do the right thing on their behalf.
4) Let your children continue to be children.

While it may sometimes be tempting, never confide adult content to your children. They are not psychologically prepared to handle the emotional complexity. Save venting for trusted friends, a divorce counselor or support group.  Also never ask your children to spy, act as messengers between both parents or provide inappropriate details about the other parent’s home life. Again, this pressure’s them in many ways – none of which are positive. It is not their place to assume adult responsibilities or help you to find evidence against your ex.
5) Make decisions through the eyes of your child.

Before making any decisions regarding divorce issues, think about the consequences for your children. Ask yourself, what will they say to me about this when they are grown adults? Will they thank me for the way I handled the divorce – or be angry and resentful about my attitude and behavior? The choices you make will affect your children for years and decades to come. For their sake, take the high road and be a role model they will want to emulate.
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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!  Her innovative approach guides parents in creating a personal family storybook, using fill-in-the-blank templates, family history and photos, as an effective way to break the news with optimum results. For more information, free articles, free ezine and other valuable resources visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

While a divorce can be one of the most traumatic events of an adult’s life, the keys to dealing with divorce can be found in the behavioral patterns of early childhood. Dr. Deb Hecker explores the similarities between developing oneself as a human being and redeveloping oneself as a newly single person. Understanding these similarities and how to better address the psychological issues of divorce can make the process easier and much less painful to endure.

Introduction

The transition from being part of a couple to being successfully divorced has as much to do with exercising emotional intelligence as it does legal intelligence. While a divorce attorney plays a vital role, some of the most difficult impasses in divorce are based upon unresolved emotional issues, not concerns over division of assets, property, or even custody issues. At these times, focusing solely on the facts or the content of the case simply cannot break the emotional stalemate.

Most of the literature on the psychology of divorce treats divorce as the death of a relationship and focuses on the necessity of grieving that death in order to move forward as a no-longer-married person. The end of a marriage can be as traumatic as the actual death of a loved one in its capacity to wrench life apart and carve out a piece of the soul. You may have experienced this emotional chasm which Abigail Trafford in her book Crazy Time, Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life refers to as “temporary insanity.”

In order to more fully understand why divorce is such a devastating transition and why otherwise nice people behave so badly during divorce — badly enough to inadvertently interfere in the process — it is crucial that you have a grasp of the psychology of separation. You should understand how transitioning from being part of a couple complete with the emotional, social, and financial security that comes from being a part of a team to being single and self-reliant can create such emotional upheaval.

The metamorphosis from being part of a marital couple to becoming a single, unattached person can best be described as a series of developmental stages paralleling the early years of the mother-child bond, as described by pioneering researcher, Dr. Margaret Mahler. In her groundbreaking book, The Psychological Birth of the Human Infant: Symbiosis and Individuation, Mahler outlines her model of child development which can be directly applied to the interactive characteristics of a couple’s relationship.

The following brief description of Mahler’s theory on separation-individuation provides the framework for understanding the process through which a child must transition in order to achieve a separate identity from its mother. After exploring the mother-child dyad, we will look at how it serves as the foundation for the marital relationship and what happens when that relationship dissolves.

Child Developmental Stages

Mahler saw the infant as being born into a normal autistic phase whose primary task is to establish equilibrium outside the womb. At around two months old, the infant’s sensitivity to external stimulation increases, and he moves into the symbiotic phase. The term “symbiosis” in this context is a metaphor describing the “undifferentiation” — a fusion with the mother in which the “I” is not yet differentiated from the “not-I”. According to Mahler, it is the symbiotic phase that becomes the template for all gratification, as well as empathy and love in future relationships.

At about five or six months, the differentiation phase begins, and the infant becomes more alert to his external surroundings — exploring both the mother and the environment. Using his body, the baby learns his outer physical boundaries, thereby experiencing greater differentiation from the mother. Soon thereafter, the practicing phase begins in which the child, according to Mahler, develops a “love affair” with the world, learning to crawl and walk away from the mother. Assuming she is comfortable with this leap of autonomy, the child will successfully enter the rapprochement phase, a difficult time when the child is more ambivalent about his growing independence and begins to manifest a lot of push-pull behavior. Finally, consolidation of individuality begins to take place and all previous mother-child interactions become internalized and begin to form the basis of the child’s feelings of well being and capacity for healthy future relationships.

The Marital Couple’s Developmental Stages

Using Mahler’s early-childhood developmental stages as a springboard, we can explore the evolution of a couple’s relationship.

The first stage of couplehood, that of being “madly in love,” can be likened to Mahler’s second stage of infant growth — symbiosis. The purpose of this stage is attachment. In this stage, singles begin merging lives and personalities and go through a period of intense bonding. If each person receives nurturance from the other during this stage and the agreement to form a couple is clear, the relationship will begin with a solid foundation. The partners conceptualize their relationship in terms of a fusion model; together, we shall be one. They look to each other for completion and fulfillment.

During the subsequent differentiation stage, individual differences emerge, and each partner is taken down from the pedestal and viewed more objectively. Greater boundaries are established. Disillusion and disappointment are inevitable.

Continuing the parallel with Mahler’s model, the couple enters a normal period of practicing in which each participates in activities and relationships away from the other. Separateness, autonomy, and self become more important than developing the relationship. Conflicts intensify, and a healthy process for conflict resolution becomes necessary in order for the couple to maintain an emotional connection while developing themselves in the world. After each has developed a well-defined, competent identity, the couple alternates between periods of increased intimacy and efforts to reestablish independence. This rapprochement stage achieves a balance between “me” and “we”. Finally, the couple reaches a stage of mutual interdependence where, ideally, two well-integrated people are individually and mutually satisfied.

Loss of Mate: The Psychology of Divorce

Inevitably, the early mother-child bond will fall short of perfectly meeting all of the child’s needs and desires. Looking to one’s spouse to meet these unfulfilled needs often becomes a convenient way to fill the gap in adulthood. Unconsciously, dependency is shifted from the parent to the mate who becomes the recipient of these unmet needs.

While this may appear on the surface to be a reasonable solution, it is, in fact, fraught with real problems. Left unattended, these problems can lead the couple to serious conflict, even divorce.

Let’s look at a common marital dynamic. The typical couple starts off their partnership in the symbiotic phase, the fusion model, where they are both working toward oneness. What happens if one partner transitions into the differentiation or practicing phase and begins seeking greater independence, while the other remains in the symbiotic phase, still yearning for the security of the marriage and locked in the maternal fantasy role? The result is likely to be a bumpy ride with one partner seeking closeness and the other distance, creating a kind of seesaw effect. With the help of a marriage counselor, some couples can remedy this imbalance. For others, the disparity is too difficult to change, and divorce becomes the only solution.

The depth with which marital partners touch each other in their intimate lives, striving to achieve a balance between closeness and distance, must be understood in order to grasp the severity of the loss through divorce. Losing a spouse who is perceived as a protector and savior, much the same way that a parent is perceived, can be a devastating and frightening blow. When you understand divorce in the context of uprooting a deep psychological anchor from its mooring, the dramas that attend the process are much easier to comprehend.

Conclusions

Since many, if not most, individuals in the midst of divorce will find themselves feeling alone and frightened at some point, it can be very difficult and sometimes nearly impossible for them to make rational decisions that are in their own best interest. People in this vulnerable state often become dependent on their divorce attorney — looking for someone to “take care of everything” and promise them a better life.

Fearing for your emotional survival, you may see the world through childish eyes, repeating the early behavior patterns described by Mahler. Instead of assuming that your attorney has all the answers, which he does not, you need to actively flex your independence muscles and collaborate with your attorney in constructing your future. Remember, it is your life.

In many divorces much of the time spent on the process revolves not on your legal needs but on your emotional needs resulting from the loss of your marriage. Understanding how the separation process provides ample triggers for hurt, sadness, anger and fear will help you avoid having those emotions throw up roadblocks to progress and interfere with successful legal resolution.

In some respects, matrimonial lawyers face many of the same challenges that trained psychotherapists do, but without the benefit of training in how to manage these emotions. While it is important for you to seek out a divorce attorney who can empathize with the multiple losses you are experiencing and can listen to your personal pain, it is critical that you assume responsibility for recovering from the emotional stress of your separation.

If you are overwhelmed by your feelings and find that they are affecting your ability to deal with the legal issues of divorce, it may be time to seek professional counseling. A counselor who specializes in separation and loss can help you to minimize the potentially destructive impact your emotions can have on the legal process as well as facilitate your acceptance of the divorce and your adjustment to life as an unmarried person. You must think beyond the immediate issues and work to ensure your emotional health both during and after the divorce. It’s too important to leave to chance.

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About the Author

Deborah Hecker Ph.D. is a licensed divorce counselor. You can visit Dr. Deborah Hecker on the web at http://www.drdeborahhecker.com/ or by phone at 1.888.777.3585.

Did you read about the couple in rural Cambodia who took a literal approach to dividing their assets? At the termination of their 18-year marriage, the couple actually sawed their wooden house in half. The husband and his relatives removed every splinter of one half of the couple’s former two-room home. The wife’s half of the home gives new definition to the term “picture window.” Sitting on its stilt base, one complete side of the home is now open to the elements, providing a commanding view of the village.

It’s a unique, if extreme, solution to property division worthy of King Solomon. The division of property in modern American marriages is necessarily more complex. Arguments over pensions, retirement funds, her stuff, his stuff and our stuff can make property division an acrimonious and stressful process. But it doesn’t have to be.

Collaborative family law allows a couple, not the court, to control how they divide their property. By encouraging mature, cooperative, non-combative behavior and agreeing to avoid litigation, a couple, supported by attorneys dedicated to collaborative family law, can negotiate a mutually agreeable settlement outside of court.