Divorce Without Dishonor

We all do it from time to time. Make a sarcastic comment about our ex, criticize something they did or didn’t do, gesture or grimace our faces when referring to our former spouse. When we do it in front of, near or within hearing distance of our children, we set ourselves up for a hornet’s nest of problems.

We have all heard this, but it’s easy to forget or let slide. It hurts our children when they hear one of their parents put down the other. This is so even if your child does not say anything about it. With rare exceptions, children innately feel they are part of both parents. They love them both even when that love isn’t returned to them in the same way.

When you put down their other parent your children are likely to interpret it as a put-down of part of them. When both parents are guilty of this behavior, it can create a sense of unworthiness and low self-esteem. “Something’s wrong with me” becomes the child’s unconscious belief.

I know it’s challenging some times not to criticize your ex, especially when you feel totally justified in doing so. Find a friend or therapist to vent to. Don’t do it around your children. And, whenever possible, find some good things to say about their other parent – or hold your tongue.
 
The lesson here is simple. Destructive comments about your ex can impact your children in many negative ways. It creates anxiety and insecurity. It raises their level of fear. It makes them question how much they can trust you and your opinions – or trust themselves. And it adds a level of unhappiness into their lives that they do not need … or deserve!

When you have a problem with your ex, take it directly to them – and not to or through the children. Don’t exploit a difficult relationship, or difference of opinion with your ex, by editorializing about him or her to the kids. It’s easy to slip – especially when your frustration level is mounting.

Listen to and monitor your comments to the children about their other parent.

• Are you hearing yourself say: “Sounds like you picked that up from your Dad/Mom.”

• Do you make a negative retort about their behavior and end it with “just like your father/mother.”

• Do you frequently compare your ex with other divorced parents you know making sure the kids get the negative judgment?

• Do you counter every positive comment your child makes about your ex with, “Yeah, but …” and finish it with a downer?

• Do you make your children feel guilty for having had fun visiting the other parent or liking something in their home?

• Do you throw around biting statements like “If Mom/Dad really loved you …”

• Do you try to frighten or intimidate your kids during a disagreement by saying “If you don’t like it here, then go live with your Mom/Dad?

It’s easy to fall into these behavior patterns – and they can effectively manipulate your children’s behavior – for the short-term. But in the long run you will be slowly eroding your personal relationship with the children you love and alienating their affection. This will bite you back in the years to come, especially as your children move into and through their teens.

As a parent you want to raise children with a healthy sense of self-worth. You want children who are trusting and trust-worthy, who are open to creating loving relationships in their lives. It’s not divorce per se that emotionally scars children. It’s how you, as a parent, model your behavior before, during and after your divorce. If you model maturity, dignity and integrity whenever challenges occur, that’s what your children will see and the path they will take in their own relationships. You can’t make life choices for them, but you sure can influence their choices and perceptions about the world when they are young and vulnerable!

Minding your tongue around your children can be one of the most difficult behaviors to master after a divorce. It is also one of the behaviors that will reap the greatest rewards in the well-being of your family. Don’t let anger, bitterness and indiscriminate remarks affect and harm your children. Keep a “conscious” diligence on your commentary and your ex is more likely to follow suit, as well. If he or she doesn’t, your kids will naturally pick up on the different energy and gravitate toward the parent taking the high road. Ultimately that parent will win their respect and admiration. Shouldn’t that be you?

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About the writer of this blog post

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources  on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Separations and divorces are messy affairs. The decision to end a marriage is usually fraught with strong and conflicting emotions. Often one party is unprepared and may feel blind-sided by the announcement that the marriage is ending. Sometimes the raw emotions of separation and divorce erupt into physical or emotional abuse. Before separating, you should have a plan to ensure your safety.

These steps, suggested by counselor Jo Ann Simmons, may help you cope with separation and its emotional turmoil:

• Set up a safe environment to live in. Don’t hesitate to get help for you and your children. Good sources of help are churches, counseling centers, hot lines and community crisis centers.
• Get spiritual support. Spiritual support can help you get through the many crises that lie ahead. It can inspire you and give you much needed hope.
• Ask for and accept the help of family and friends. You can’t do this alone. You will need as much help as you can get. Give your family and friends an opportunity to show their love.
• Get professional help. Enlist the aid of a therapist or counselor to help you get through this difficult time. You’ll need a guide to help you focus on the important things and not get bogged down in unproductive emotions.
• Take care of yourself. Exercise, eat right, get your rest. You need to take care of yourself so you can take care of your children.

Abuse is a powerful word. Domestic violence is a serious issue and growing concern in our country (see our previous two posts). Yet there is the temptation to misuse "the abuse card" in child custody cases. When domestic violence laws were enacted, lawmakers didn’t expect parents to claim abuse or exaggerate abusive behaviors to "punish" their spouse and gain exclusive custody of their children, but that is what happens too often in family court.

It’s easy to understand given the hurt, anger and volatile emotions generated during divorce. Even though not physically abused, one party may feel emotionally bereft and characterize this as abuse. It’s a fine line easily crossed and fed by anger and guilt. Our adversarial approach to divorce doesn’t help matters. Too often attorneys set on fixing blame and gaining the best settlement possible for their client will fan the flames, declaring certain behaviors abusive that in less emotional settings might be seen in a less volatile light. Not only do such actions undermine the safety of those who truly need protection under the domestic violence laws, but they are unfair to your children.

Domestic violence laws should not be used as a quick method for resolving child custody disputes. These laws are not there to provide one parent with a tactical advantage over the other. Parents who attempt to abuse these laws are not acting in their children’s best interests and may find themselves at a disadvantage with the court.

If such allegations are deemed to be unfounded or grossly or intentionally exaggerated, a skilled attorney will easily be able to show that the accusatory parent, if he or she were awarded custody, would in all likelihood attempt to alienate the children from the other parent. In determining the best interests of the children with respect to custody and visitation, one of the important factors that the judge considers is which parent will better promote normal family relations. Children are entitled to the benefit of both sides of their family, including grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Judges realize the importance of the support provided by the extended family and are generally unwilling to deny this to the children simply by virtue of a custody decision.

It is important to realize that animosity between a divorcing husband and wife most often does not extend to their children. The reasons for a failed marriage have everything to do with the dynamics of the spousal relationship, but little to do with a person’s ability to be a kind, caring and loving parent. False or grossly exaggerated claims of abuse leave deep scars that will affect the entire family for years to come. They do nothing to promote future trust or the cooperative attitude necessary to effectively parent and raise your children after the divorce. They deny your children the support and comfort of one of the two most important people in their lives. Care should be taken to report instances of abuse or domestic violence in a factually accurate manner. The "abuse card" should not be played to punish your spouse out of hurt or anger. In the end, the ones you hurt most will be your children.

For more information on divorce, domestic violence and child custody, click here to visit my website. 

Every 15 seconds a woman is beaten in a domestic dispute somewhere in the U.S. according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. That’s four broken noses every minute, 240 cracked ribs every hour, 5760 bruised and battered women every day. For many, the only way to end the cycle of abuse is to divorce the abusive spouse and try to make a new life.

Too often battered women are afraid to leave their spouse or partner. They fear for themselves and for their children. They are so beaten down that they no longer have the emotional stamina to escape. (I realize that sometimes women are the abusers; but far more often it is the physically dominant male who inflicts the damage.) If you know someone who is in an abusive relationship, help them get the help they need right now, today.

Whether you are married or not, legal protection and prosecution are available to help you if you are being abused. On my website, I provide a step-by-step plan of action: what you need to do if you are being physically abused. Click here to find out what you should do and what you can expect from the police and the court system. There are also many agencies in Maryland that are dedicated to helping abused and battered women and their families. Click here for a list of domestic violence resources.

Not everyone will choose to divorce an abusive spouse, but every woman who is the subject of domestic violence should take steps to protect herself. If the abuse is triggered by alcohol or drug addiction, there is some chance that treating the addiction may end the abuse; however this can take months or even years.

Before you make a decision about the future of your marriage or relationship, you must first make sure that you and your children are safe. Get out, get away, get somewhere safe and take advantage of every legal protection available. Once you are safe, you can decide about the future. 

Next time: When parents play the abuse card to win custody.

Whitney Houston was on top of the world. With her powerful voice and tremendous vocal range, the Grammy winner’s songs played at the top of the charts. She was in demand as a singer, actress and model. Then she married Bobby Brown in 1992 and  her life started to unravel.

Their marriage was volatile; charges of infidelity, sexual misconduct, anorexia, drug abuse and spousal battery didn’t take long to surface. For years Houston practically disappeared from public view, her name surfacing occasionally in lurid tabloid headlines. Her reputation and career in tatters, Houston finally entered a drub rehab program in 2004 and again in 2005, this time successfully. Finally, in late 2006 Houston divorced Brown, gained sole custody of their teenage daughter and started to piece her career back together. Looking healthy and vivacious, Houston has made a few non-singing appearances this year and a new record is in the works. "The Voice" is back. (For more info on the Houston-Brown marriage and divorce, click here.)

Many marriages follow the same path as Whitney Houston’s to Bobby Brown, admittedly without the glitz, glam and paparazzi. Often during courtship you’re swept off your feet by sweet beauty or suave gallantry. But once the honeymoon is over, the spouse you thought you knew starts to show a few cracks in the polish.

While learning to accept each other’s foibles is part of marriage, there is no room for abuse. An abusive spouse crosses the line of "for better or worse" and morally negates the wedding vows. If you have an abusive spouse, do not risk your life another day. See a divorce attorney today.

Next time: Divorcing an Abusive Spouse.

Newsweek Health September 25, 2006 Fighting Over the Kids: Battered spouses take aim at a controversial custody strategy.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14870310/site/newsweek/from/ET/

This interesting article says that parental alienation is now the "leading defense" for parents accused of abuse in custody cases involving documented spousal abuse in custody cases, according to domestic violence advocates. Under the parental alienation theory, children fear or reject one parent because they have been corrupted or coached to lie by the other.

This year the National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges denounced the theory as "junk science," and at least four states have passed legislation to curtail its use in custody cases involving allegations of domestic violence.

Don’t people who know anything about acrimonious custody litigation realize that there are indeed very many real cases of parents brain washing their children. I think to call it "junk science" is being too close minded. While it makes sense that DV advocates would dismiss parental alienation altogether, it does exist and it is not just an abuser’s trumped up "defense."  It is a real problem faced by many good parents, that is not looked at in enough detail and with sufficient scrutiny in cases where parents, usually women, routinely, and methodically, intentionally unreasonably deny access and involvement to the children to "punish" their ex’s and/or to exert their own form of power and control and abuse, whether as "payback" or for other self-serving reasons. Let’s talk about it on this Blog!