Divorce Without Dishonor

By Mike Mastracci.

For divorced or separated parents the holidays are often more stressful than they are for those who do not have child access and visitation issues to manage. While the following tips and considerations can apply throughout the year, the holidays are a great time to improve your co-parenting relationship. No matter what holidays you celebrate, consider helping your child to pick out an appropriate card or gift to give to the other parent. In doing so, you will be showing your child that you recognize and respect their relationship with the other parent and you also teach and encourage them that it is okay to discuss the other parent in a positive light in your presence. If the other parent comes to learn that you assisted, encouraged or approved of your child getting him or her a gift it might go a long way for future interaction. Truly, it is the thought that counts. Imagine your surprise when you receive a gift the next holiday that was encouraged by your ex. It is a goodwill builder for sure and sends nothing but positive messages to your children.

If you have been harboring a lot of anger and animosity toward your ex throughout the year consider digging deep and forgiving your ex and yourself for the “transgressions” you have been dealt, as well as the ones that stem from your own shortcomings (not that you have any) or bad acts. Many people believe that the opposite of love is hate. It is indifference, not hate. Hate and anger generally only hurt you. In the context of a bitter separation or divorce it is easy to forget about the concept of forgiveness. If your co-parenting relationship sucks and interferes with the way that the two of you raise your children, you need to lose the anger, or at least regroup and channel it proactively.

During the holiday season try extra hard to limit the parental aggravation that you may otherwise generally experience when dealing with your ex. For example, sharing transportation in a fair and equitable fashion for the holidays might just be a gesture that could come back ten fold. All too often one parent does the overwhelming majority of the driving to pick up or drop off the children. (Why that is could be a topic of discussion and debate another day.) If you have had such issues in the past, call it truce time, for the sake of your children. Make substantial efforts to iron out all schedule adjustments well in advance and confirm each other’s understanding by email or letter so that there are no last minute problems; and be flexible. Squabbling over who got what holiday for what time period last year and the like is a waste of energy. Live in the here and now and remember that what goes around does indeed come back around, both good and bad. This year when it comes to separated and divorced parenting during the holidays, if given a chance to be naughty or nice, try the latter. Happy Holidays!

[Editor Note: Please note that the information in this post is of a nature that applies for low to moderate-conflict cases as opposed to an unsettled high-conflict case.]

When I was in law school one of the adjunct professors was a circuit court judge with years of experience presiding over cases involving dueling parents arguing about virtually every aspect of their children’s lives. His advice, probably the best advise in three years of law school, was to know your judge. His Honor was not speaking about knowing the judge personally (although that never hurts) but knowing what he or she is likely to do in any given situation or factual scenario. What does that mean?

In a contested child custody case, when it is all said and done, you will have given a great portion of your child’s future determinations to a virtual stranger in a black robe. Why? The judge does not know your children and probably never will. Before you let a judge decide your children’s fate you might want to ask yourself a few questions such as: How long has this judge been a judge and how many child custody cases has he or she decided? What are her pet peeves? Does she tend to favor men or women. What did he do before becoming a judge? What is his judicial temperament like? How much time will he give us to present our case? Has he been divorced? Is he arrogant and egotistical? Will she like me? Will she like my ex? Does she have children? Does my lawyer think the judge is good, bad, intelligent or dumb as a bag of rocks?

People often tend to forget that judges are people, people who likely either knew the governor or knew people close to the governor in order to get appointed. Judges are not necessarily appointed because they are smart. There is no judgeship test or certification to wear the robe once appointed (that is appointed and not anointed as some may think).

There are many judges who care deeply about the divorce and child custody litigants that come before them. There are many fine judges that have earned the respect of the lawyers and the citizens that appear before them. They may have the best of intentions and have all the good qualities one may hope for and yet they may make a ruling that will haunt you and your family for years to come. Why would you let this happen?

While judges generally receive a great deal of respect you cannot forget that they are people too and we all have shortcomings and we all have faults and areas of our lives that could use some improvement. A judge goes to work just like anyone else. For a judge, deciding the custody and child access issues of your case would be just a routine part of any given day; just another day at the office. Don’t lose sight of these sorts of things when you decide to take your business to the courthouse. From this day forward, make sure you are in the business of co-parenting.

And remember, when a court order is entered it lasts until your child reaches the age of majority unless modified by agreement or subsequent court order. Look for alternatives to litigation and do all you can to Stop Fighting Over the Kids.