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If you are separated or divorced and have children stuck in the middle of parental discord, the Holidays often take on special significance in many respects. Transitioning the children from one house to the other and dividing up time not only between the parties but also involving extended family members, relatives and friends make scheduling all the more difficult. If you and the other parent have a tendency to disagree about things such as the day of the week, the time, the weather, whose fault everything is and the like, you may not look forward to yet another holiday season. For purposes of the following comments and tips we will limit the discussion to the Thanksgiving holiday. Just like co-parenting through separation and divorce, holiday cheer is dealt one day at a time.
I recently came across a good article on the Ohio Family Law Blog written by attorney Anne Shale of the law firm Holzfaster, Cecil, McKnight and Mues, LPA regarding some useful tips on the nuts and bolts of handling the Christmas holiday season. The real short version includes tips like plan ahead, look to and review the controlling agreement or court order if one exists and to attempt to commit to a written schedule as soon as possible if there is no such writing memorializing how the children’s time is to be divided for each upcoming holiday. Often easier said than done, but proper planning and even some sacrificing here and there can go a long way. Whatever the schedule is, grandparents and extended families will have to adjust accordingly to fit your schedule, as the other parent may not care to accommodate too many variables, right?
When trying to plan, first and foremost remember that it is the children’s time that is being allocated for, not yours. Keep it all child focused. Also, while we like to remember the Pilgrims and all we have to be thankful for, when push comes to shove, in our time sharing context, it is one frickin meal on one Thursday of the year. Don’t make more out of it than need be. When it comes to Thanksgiving and many scheduled holidays there is often a choice to be made, and hopefully agreed upon, as to whether to split or divide the Holiday or alternate from year to year. In a day/night split the child spends a portion of Thanksgiving with each parent which means juggling two dinner times, family gatherings, travel etc. Also, do the children really need two huge meals back-to-back or even during the same day? Remember, as far as the kids go, they really don’t care if you celebrate Thanksgiving on Wednesday with one parent and on Thursday with the other. Should it really matter that much to you if it works for your children?
Whatever works best for the children and all concerned is what counts. A few possibilities for a smooth and Happy Thanksgiving are to go with the even-odd year approach. First define and delineate the parameters of the Holiday. Your Thanksgiving could be defined as beginning Wednesday evening at 8:00 p.m. until Friday after Thanksgiving at noon, or perhaps from Thanksgiving Day at noon until 10:00 p.m. Thanksgiving night. It really doesn’t matter as long as it is clear and practical and includes facts like who picks up, drops off and otherwise transports the children. A system of whoever has the children takes them to the other parent works well in most cases. Once properly defined, the holiday can be memorialized by a document stating that, for example, in 2009 and all odd numbered years the children will spend Thanksgiving (as defined above) with Mom and in 2010 and all even years the children shall spend Thanksgiving with Dad.
If you think you want to divide the day in half in some fashion you might want to give thought to not doing that if it is an unnecessary hassle for the children and if heightened parental acrimony is afoot. It is perhaps better to have one good “all you and the kids” to plan for type of Thanksgiving every other year than to deal with two back-to-back problematic turkey days.
No matter what you and the other parent decide, remember that these days should be examples for giving thanks and celebration and not fighting and bickering; your child will be watching and learning the lessons that you instill in them during these delicate times. Some day they too may be raising your grandchildren under similar circumstances.
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Editor Note: Stop Fighting Over the Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations has sample parenting plans that include reasonable holiday divisions to help alleviate the strain associated with divorce, child-custody, and separation. It is important to note that the holidays require effective pre-planning to help ensure they work smoothly for the children. Sometimes it may require mediation, collaboration, or legal process to modify or implement an effective parenting plan that includes the holiday plans.