Divorce Without Dishonor

By Michael A. Mastracci.

In a recent blog search I stumbled upon a quote that may be of interest if you have children, especially young children, and you are going through a moderate to high- conflict divorce. Nearly 20 years ago a well known Canadian jurist, the Honorable Justice John Gomery stated, “Hatred is not an emotion that comes naturally to a child. It has to be taught. A parent who would teach a child to hate the other parent represents a grave and persistent danger to the mental and emotional health of that child.” The case that led to the above comment involved four children caught up in a heated custody battle between their parents whereby the children became “catastrophically” alienated from their mother. How does that happen?

When you think of young children, their innocence and their sponge-like quest for learning, it is no wonder that they are so affected by their parents’ anger and hostility especially when directed against their other parent. It’s one thing to say or do a few things that may not win you the Good Parenting Seal during a contentious divorce, but it is quite another to deliberately poison and pollute a child’s mind. If only we could truly love our children more than we may dislike the other parent.

Most people would agree that children do not belong in adult conflicts. However, it happens all the time and it needs to stop. We as parents need to become aware of the damage that we can do to our children when we allow them to participate in the intense conflict of divorce. We also need to learn how to protect the children when the other parent just does not “get it.”

It may seem ironic coming from a divorce attorney, but if people spent only a fraction of their time and money otherwise wasted on the fight in more pro-active and productive ways their children would be so much better off. Moderate to high conflict cases may be tempered and tamed if all concerned adopt a collaborative and therapeutic approach or at least knew about the alternatives. Individual Therapy, counseling, psychotherapy, meds, mediation, family counseling and the like are better uses of time and money than litigation fees and practices. Read, learn and educate yourself on the different aspects of divorce and more importantly do the same with parenting. Some of the best ways to shield your children from the pain of the divorce and “picking sides” or being “caught in the middle” involve improving yourself and to the extent possible, encouraging the other parent to do the same.

Our children will grow up one day and statistically speaking they have at least a fifty percent chance of divorcing their spouse. What will they remember from all they learned as children of separation and divorce? When it comes to teaching our children about the way people are supposed to get along, like charity, it begins at home.