Divorce Without Dishonor

By Michael A. Mastracci

Chances are that if you are going through a separation or divorce with children stuck in the middle and if you are reading articles, blog posts, searching the net, hitting the library, buying books, talking to counselors and looking for peaceful alternatives to contested litigation such as mediation and collaborative divorce —- you get it. It’s about the children, not about you or your ex. Unfortunately, all too often one side “gets it” and other parent can’t or won’t bring themselves to take the fight out of the conflict and truly focus on what is best for the children. A common theme in marriage and divorce is that “It takes two.” It is no different when trying to end the acrimony and developing a post-separation parenting plan that works.

In my book, Stop Fighting Over The Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations , there is a chapter entitled Getting On Board that provides useful tips and tricks to lure the other parent onto the right path. One suggestion is to send the other parent books and resources that you think would help IF he/she would follow the advice provided. Often, curiosity alone will get them to read and often they my find your gesture as an insult or an act of sarcasm and they, in turn, might pick out things that they think YOU should read. Regardless of the motives, the act of looking through information from experts is a worthwhile endeavor in which osmosis might be the only way positive information flows in both directions.

What if there were a service available where you could contact experts and tell them the problems and challenges that you face in dealing with your ex and they would contact the other parent and request to hear things from their perspective and offer to assist without representing either party. Imagine if both of you felt comfortable enough to participate on group conference calls with experts who would offer suggestions and resources that were appropriate for one or both parties in many given situations. The call would have other similarly situated people on the line too. Chances are that if either party receives a letter along with information, resources and an offer to join in on a call, that they would do so, perhaps. Even if they participate only to try and convince the listeners how wrong you are and how right they are. You can’t get through to the other side alone. Getting both parents engaged in the process of conflict resolution is no easy task. People heal at different paces; they express anger, hurt and pain differently at times as well. It’s not easy. While you may understandably not be of the proper mind set to worry about how the other side is doing as they continue to make life miserable for you, it would really be worth your time and effort to do whatever you can do to get them on board as soon as possible. We welcome your comments and suggestions on ways to help the other side turn toward peaceful resolution and to get on with the business of parenting.

By Rosalind Sedacca

Thanksgiving, Christmas – most any holiday — can bring up painful memories of happier times, especially if you are divorced and have children. But keep in mind that with the pain comes a choice. You can choose to acknowledge the past for what it was. You can value the good times you might have had together. Then you can choose to move on and let go.

If you don’t, you will likely get stuck tormenting yourself with the “shoulds.”  We should still be a family today. He should be ashamed of what he’s doing to us. She shouldn’t be able to have the kids on Christmas Day. I should be over this by now. It should be easier for me to move on – but it isn’t. You get the idea.

Use this holiday season as a marker for starting a new mindset for yourself. You are creating a future that will be as positive for you as you allow it to be. Close the door to what was so you can open the door to brighter tomorrows – for yourself and your children. This holiday season and the ones to come can be weeks of great celebration for you if you start planting the seeds in your mind today.

Here are some useful tips for creating a positive mindset for the holidays.

Be your own best friend:

Divorce and its related stressors can take its toll on your self-esteem. It’s easy to start falling into cycles of despair, fear, anxiety and depression fueled by messages such as “who’s going to want me now?” or “how can I cope with all this pressure in my life?” This can certainly compound over the holidays, which add another layer of stress to family life. Use this time to celebrate you and starting a new chapter in your life. Look ahead to reinventing yourself in ways you’ve always wanted – and acknowledging yourself for assets you have that can be further explored. Take time to laugh and indulge in some holiday spirit. It’s good medicine for you and the children you love.

Focus on lifting the spirits of others:

Gratitude is a mindset that reminds us of our blessings. Do you have a loving relationship with your children? Do you have your health, a roof over your head, the income to purchase a few holiday gifts? Many people are not so fortunate. Be grateful for your blessings, share a smile or kind gesture with others, volunteer for the less fortunate and you will be rewarded in ways you never expected – physically, emotionally and spiritually!

Integrate – don’t isolate:

Take advantage of this social season to circulate and re-connect with family and friends. Plan some small gatherings with those you care about and accept a few invitations to get out and meet other people. Limit your “pity party” time to an hour or two. Then pick yourself up and get back into life. You’ll be surprised by the support systems available to you. You will also find that you are not alone in the post-divorce emotions and challenges you are experiencing. Be receptive to help and it will come to you.

Initiate New Holiday Traditions:

Remembering holiday traditions of the past can set you into a downward cycle and negatively affect your children, as well. This is the time to develop new ways of celebrating the holidays that you and your children can cherish and enjoy together. Perhaps it’s a special trip, celebrating with new friends and neighbors, attending special holiday events in your community or place of worship. Encourage your co-parent to do the same when the kids are with them, so that they have something to look forward to in each home.

Use this time of the year as the emotional starting point for bringing into focus the “you” you’ve always wanted to be. Visualize the future you desire. Make commitments to positive changes in your thoughts, habits and actions. By doing this, every year to come around holiday time you will be re-energized with positive appreciation rather than brought down by sadness and despair. The choice is yours. Embrace this season as the start of wonderful things to come and you’ll have much to celebrate in your future!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!   For more information, free articles on child-centered divorce and her free ezine, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

By Michael A. Mastracci

If you are separated or divorced and have children stuck in the middle of parental discord, the Holidays often take on special significance in many respects.  Transitioning the children from one house to the other and dividing up time not only between the parties but also involving extended family members, relatives and friends make scheduling all the more difficult. If you and the other parent have a tendency to disagree about things such as the day of the week, the time, the weather, whose fault everything is and the like, you may not look forward to yet another holiday season. For purposes of the following comments and tips we will limit the discussion to the Thanksgiving holiday. Just like co-parenting through separation and divorce, holiday cheer is dealt one day at a time.

I recently came across a good article on the Ohio Family Law Blog written by attorney Anne Shale of the law firm Holzfaster, Cecil, McKnight and Mues, LPA regarding some useful tips on the nuts and bolts of handling the Christmas holiday season. The real short version includes tips like plan ahead, look to and review the controlling agreement or court order if one exists and to attempt to commit to a written schedule as soon as possible if there is no such writing memorializing how the children’s time is to be divided for each upcoming holiday. Often easier said than done, but proper planning and even some sacrificing here and there can go a long way. Whatever the schedule is, grandparents and extended families will have to adjust accordingly to fit your schedule, as the other parent may not care to accommodate too many variables, right?

When trying to plan, first and foremost remember that it is the children’s time that is being allocated for, not yours. Keep it all child focused. Also, while we like to remember the Pilgrims and all we have to be thankful for, when push comes to shove, in our time sharing  context, it is one frickin meal on one Thursday of the year. Don’t make more out of it than need be. When it comes to Thanksgiving and many scheduled holidays there is often a choice to be made, and hopefully agreed upon, as to whether to split or divide the Holiday or alternate from year to year. In a day/night split the child spends a portion of Thanksgiving with each parent which means juggling two dinner times, family gatherings, travel etc. Also, do the children really need two huge meals back-to-back or even during the same day? Remember, as far as the kids go, they really don’t care if you celebrate Thanksgiving on Wednesday with one parent and on Thursday with the other. Should it really matter that much to you if it works for your children?

Whatever works best for the children and all concerned is what counts. A few possibilities for a smooth and Happy Thanksgiving are to go with the even-odd year approach. First define and delineate the parameters of the Holiday. Your Thanksgiving could be defined as beginning Wednesday evening at 8:00 p.m. until Friday after Thanksgiving at noon, or perhaps from Thanksgiving Day at noon until 10:00 p.m. Thanksgiving night. It really doesn’t matter as long as it is clear and practical and includes facts like who picks up, drops off and otherwise transports the children. A system of whoever has the children takes them to the other parent works well in most cases. Once properly defined, the holiday can be memorialized by a document stating that, for example, in 2009 and all odd numbered years the children will spend Thanksgiving (as defined above) with Mom and in 2010 and all even years the children shall spend Thanksgiving with Dad.

If you think you want to divide the day in half in some fashion you might want to give thought to not doing that if it is an unnecessary hassle for the children and if heightened parental acrimony is afoot. It is perhaps better to have one good “all you and the kids” to plan for type of Thanksgiving every other year than to deal with two back-to-back problematic turkey days.

No matter what you and the other parent decide, remember that these days should be examples for giving thanks and celebration and not fighting and bickering; your child will be watching and learning the lessons that you instill in them during these delicate times. Some day they too may be raising your grandchildren under similar circumstances.

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Editor Note: Stop Fighting Over the Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations has sample parenting plans that include reasonable holiday divisions to help alleviate the strain associated with divorce, child-custody, and separation. It is important to note that the holidays require effective pre-planning to help ensure they work smoothly for the children. Sometimes it may require mediation, collaboration, or legal process to modify or implement an effective parenting plan that includes the holiday plans.

By Michael A. Mastracci

By now you may have heard of collaborative divorce in the news and around the blogosphere. Collaborative law is a trend that has taken hold and is perhaps at the tipping point of becoming a readily available mainstream method for separating and divorcing couples. There are many incentives and rewards for sticking with the process.

In its simplest of explanations two divorcing spouses who each select collaboratively trained attorneys agree, along with their respective counsel, to settle the couple’s issues outside of court. The four people work together to find solutions that are acceptable to all concerned. They sign a contract in the form of a participation agreement, which is the cornerstone of the collaborative process. If for some reason, one or both of the parties decide that they no longer desire to resolve their disputes outside of court, neither of the two collaborative attorneys can represent their clients in any contested case.

At its origin in 1990, collaborative law was invented by Stuart G. Webb out of a divorce attorney’s frustration and disgust of seeing families torn apart by the adversarial divorce system. While the mechanics of the process may vary some, the collaborative methods are beneficial in many ways. Generally great care is taken to ensure that your children are kept out of potential conflict and that the controversy is kept to a minimum between the parties. There is no question that in a collaborative resolution you will maintain far greater control of the outcome of your divorce than you will by engaging one another in contested litigation. It is generally less expensive and quicker than litigation and helps to maintain a sense of integrity and respect between you and your former partner, which is especially important when children are involved.

When collaborative law first started it involved two attorneys and two clients. Later, if a need arose that the attorneys thought would be better addressed by another collaborative professional they would all agree to utilize the services of such professionals. These professionals may include, but are not limited to, divorce coaches, therapists, social workers, child specialists, financial neutrals and financial planners. In litigation, each side hires his or her hired gun to further that side’s “position.” In collaborative negotiations the professional becomes an aid to the process and thereby assists both parties and the attorneys to reach successful outcomes.

In recent years there has been a strong movement toward a “team approach” in collaborative law. On the one end more and more attorneys are becoming comfortable in inviting other professionals to assist, subject to the client’s approval.  However, at the other end of the spectrum there are many attorneys who will not participate in the traditional two lawyer- two client model. These collaborative attorneys push the team onto the field and basically tell the prospective clients to play with the team or play with yourself. In other words, it resembles a take it or leave it proposition. It is this writer’s opinion that what is right for many people is something in the middle and that is one of the benefits of the process – it can be made to suit your family’s individual needs. How many professionals will it take for your collaborative divorce to be a success?

By Michael A. Mastracci.

In a recent blog search I stumbled upon a quote that may be of interest if you have children, especially young children, and you are going through a moderate to high- conflict divorce. Nearly 20 years ago a well known Canadian jurist, the Honorable Justice John Gomery stated, “Hatred is not an emotion that comes naturally to a child. It has to be taught. A parent who would teach a child to hate the other parent represents a grave and persistent danger to the mental and emotional health of that child.” The case that led to the above comment involved four children caught up in a heated custody battle between their parents whereby the children became “catastrophically” alienated from their mother. How does that happen?

When you think of young children, their innocence and their sponge-like quest for learning, it is no wonder that they are so affected by their parents’ anger and hostility especially when directed against their other parent. It’s one thing to say or do a few things that may not win you the Good Parenting Seal during a contentious divorce, but it is quite another to deliberately poison and pollute a child’s mind. If only we could truly love our children more than we may dislike the other parent.

Most people would agree that children do not belong in adult conflicts. However, it happens all the time and it needs to stop. We as parents need to become aware of the damage that we can do to our children when we allow them to participate in the intense conflict of divorce. We also need to learn how to protect the children when the other parent just does not “get it.”

It may seem ironic coming from a divorce attorney, but if people spent only a fraction of their time and money otherwise wasted on the fight in more pro-active and productive ways their children would be so much better off. Moderate to high conflict cases may be tempered and tamed if all concerned adopt a collaborative and therapeutic approach or at least knew about the alternatives. Individual Therapy, counseling, psychotherapy, meds, mediation, family counseling and the like are better uses of time and money than litigation fees and practices. Read, learn and educate yourself on the different aspects of divorce and more importantly do the same with parenting. Some of the best ways to shield your children from the pain of the divorce and “picking sides” or being “caught in the middle” involve improving yourself and to the extent possible, encouraging the other parent to do the same.

Our children will grow up one day and statistically speaking they have at least a fifty percent chance of divorcing their spouse. What will they remember from all they learned as children of separation and divorce? When it comes to teaching our children about the way people are supposed to get along, like charity, it begins at home.