Post Divorce Pleasures or Children’s Nightmares?
When the dust settles from a contested child custody case, and it never seems to really “settle,” way more often than not, an acrimonious divorce results in more of the same in post-divorce/relationship interaction. Unfortunately, interaction more directly involves the children. After the divorce is final, the children are the only thing left to fight about, to exert power and control and to inflict punishment and just deserts on the other parent.. While few would admit it, most know it. You see, in a contested custody case, no one wins. In fact, I would love to hear from people, if there are any, that can say that they went to court to fight over custody, visitation and child access issues and that they had everything go their way, that the judge was “right on the money” in his or her assessment of the parties, the situation and in believing the correct version of alleged facts.
When the case is over and the primary residential schedule is dictated by someone other than you or your ex, what is left to fight over? Well, almost everything that is not etched in stone or open to any interpretation. Language in court orders such as, “the parties shall share and alternate the holidays in a fair and equitable manner” or “reasonable and liberal visitation” even “two weeks summer vacation” and the like can be heaven for one who wants to pick fights and hell for everyone else.
If you are involved in a contested child custody case you had better do all that you can to ensure that the final order leaves nothing to interpretation. If you are dealing with an unreasonable person who does not put the children’s best interest above all else and if that person feels that he or she “got shafted” by you, the court and the lawyers, and the clerks, and the witnesses etc. etc., the war is not over, it is just beginning. In such a situation the simple pleasures in life like enjoying the holidays and vacations with family, friends and loved ones get tarnished. Sports and extracurricular activities become a source of stress and anxiety as opposed to fun and enjoyment. Life is too short for all that nonsense and a childhood is only a small fraction of “life.”
How a couple divorces has far greater impact on their children than the actual separation, researchers have found. Weary of acrimonious divorce battles and the expense and emotional damage they cause, legal professionals sought a more constructive way to dissolve marriage, giving birth to Collaborative Family Law in 1990. Collaborative law focuses on divorce not just as a painful ending but as an opportunity for a new beginning. Stressing cooperation over confrontation and resolution over revenge, collaborative divorce is transforming how couples dissolve their marriages, divide their assets and re-invent their post-divorce parenting relationships.
Filed under: Child Access Issues, Communicating with Your Ex | Tagged: Collaborative Practice, Colloaborative Law, CPG, divorce, divorce without dishonor, First-time Parent, mike mastracci, Parenting Advice, Post-Divorce, Relationship Advice
I like the opening of the article, where Mr. Mastracci says it like it is with the statement the dust “never seems to really settle.” I think that is the nature of the fight that exists in the adversarial divorce world and why it is such a profit center for government bureaucracies and of course family law attorneys that don’t work toward true conflict resolution. Collaborative law is not only a significantly less expensive option for divorce but puts the real issues to rest much sooner, allowing everyone to move forward with their own lives while maintaining relationships with their own children.