Divorce Without Dishonor

By Mike Mastracci

Divorce happens. Although it is hardly ever easy, there are easy ways and then there is the hard way, a contested court trial. Some of the easier ways involve methods such as mediation, collaborative divorce, negotiated settlements and the like. There are tons of articles and books written about how to have a peaceful or at least a civil divorce. But, there isn’t a lot out here that really explains what a contested divorce or child custody case entails. Many basic questions are full of answers that include words and phrases like “depends” and “what ifs.” Therefore, may I ask you a few questions about what you expect to encounter in pursuing a litigated case?

What is the attorney’s hourly rate? Is $300.00 an hour the going rate in this area? More? How many hours will the attorney have to work before it is over? How much do I need upfront? Will my lawyer keep me informed of everything?  What kind of support staff is there at the attorney’s office? What is the lawyer’s current case-load? How long does it take to get a trial date? Can it be postponed and if so for how long? How much time might I miss from work to attend meetings with my attorney or to attend depositions and court hearings? What is a deposition? How much does a deposition cost? Do I have to pay for the transcripts too? Is it true that the transcripts can cost around three to four dollars a page (with double or triple spacing and  huge margins)? How do I know if my lawyer sucks? Is the other lawyer any good and does he or she make it a practice to be difficult? What Judge will we get? Does the judge typically favor men over women? Women over men?  How many such cases has the judge heard? How many such cases has my lawyer had? What if we don’t like the judge? Worse yet, what if the judge doesn’t like me or my lawyer, or both, will that matter at all? Might I get stuck paying all or part of my ex’s attorney fees? Why? Do I really have to answer all these menacing questions under oath? Why can’t I just use notarized statements from people? Will I really have to produce all of my financial records for the last 5 years? What happens if I refuse to cooperate in the discovery process? What does the discovery process include? What if they don’t answer our questions or if they lie or fail to produce things we have requested.  Can they take depositions of my family, friends and co-workers and even make them come to court? Is all this personal stuff really public record? Why does my past criminal record matter? What is the reason I would have to pay alimony, can I get Alimony? Do men ever get alimony? How do we split up pensions and retirement accounts before they mature? Will my kids have a say in what they want? Can I lose custody? How much child support will I have to pay or what can I get for support if the kids are with me? How much does the amount of time we each have with the kids influence child support? How come the more questions I ask the more questions come to mind? Get the point?

If you are feeling the urge to make your divorce or child custody situation more difficult than it needs to be you would serve yourself well to start with questions similar to those above. Then, ask yourself, “why go there” ?

By Mike Mastracci

“Whether one looks at deception from the child’s perspective of “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” or whether viewed as a serious, straightforward moral or religious tenant such as “Thou shalt not lie,” the truth is often hard to uncover; so too are lies. In a child custody case, when the truth is expected to come from the witness stand, under oath where one is sworn to “tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth,” veracity can be especially evasive, misinterpreted, or worse.”

Often the practice of law has little to do with the truth and everything to do with the perception of truth. When it comes to child custody disputes this is fait accompli. Often though, in child custody cases too much emphasis is actually placed on discerning the truth of inconsequential parental allegations and defenses. Whether one or the other parents was fired for stealing from their former employer before the child at issue was born, for example, may still seem very damaging to his or her credibility, especially if they get caught lying about it, but this type of coup will not win a custody battle.

All too often, dueling parents overlook the fact that it is how and to what degree that things affect their children that impacts the most upon a judge’s decision in awarding custody. Child custody litigants are often frustrated when the other side has clearly been caught in certain lies and the judge seems to overlook or ignore them. Indeed, some categories of lies will never likely determine the final outcome of a highly contested child custody case; often many prevarications from the witness stand really do not matter. However, there are certain kinds of falsehoods that not only damage one’s case, but most certainly negatively impact children of separated or divorcing parents; they are lies to, about, from, and involving the children.

Often in contested custody cases, parents and children are required to be “evaluated” and reports are made and submitted to the court. One of the more difficult and potentially damaging areas of child custody litigation occurs when the case involves mental health evaluations and clinical interviews. These evaluations and clinical interviews can take on many forms and serve a variety of purposes for the finder of fact. When child custody litigants and their children are required to submit to court ordered evaluations a whole new quagmire of complex problems can result.

It is in this context that lies can have a significant impact. An evaluator may be called as a witness to testify as to their “findings” and their opinions based on information they have obtained from the parties or their respective allies and the children at issue. Evaluators and mental health providers may also be called upon to opine on relevant hypothetical questions from the attorneys or the presiding judge. When the findings and opinions of the “experts” are flawed because of false information, the rules of reason and logic may lead to the wrong conclusions. Remember, it is the judge, who is supposed to sift through all the conflicting testimony and weigh all the factors as to what is ultimately his or her “best guess” as to what is in the child’s best interests. When the truth goes undetected in these situations in particular, a great deal of damage can be done. When information used by court appointed evaluators is obtained from, or intentionally omitted by, parents and children who do not tell the truth the child’s best interests may not truly be served. The problem is compounded in clinical custody evaluations when the parents deliberately lie or misinform the evaluators. Unfortunately, this is a common problem.

There is a well-known negative impact on children exposed to such parental conflict and deception. Typically children are struggling with loyalty conflicts when dealing with divorce and the last thing they need is to be involved in some deceptive practice by one of the parents where the child is required to demonstrate greater loyalty to one parent over the other.

When lies involve the perceptions of those caught in the middle, or when parents place their children in the throws of their own deceptive practices, making the correct decision becomes a more difficult task for the trier of fact. When parents lie and involve their children, they usually do so at the expense of their children’s psychological well-being.

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Communication with our children is always important, but never as essential as when they are touched by separation or divorce. Children are vulnerable and easily frightened by changes in their routines. The more you talk to and comfort them, the less stress and anxiety they’ll experience. This is the time to reassure your children that you are taking care of matters and everyone in the family will be okay. Then, of course, take responsibility for doing what needs to be done to assure their well-being.

Here are five important ways you can help your children to thrive during and after your divorce.

1. Strive to keep as much normalcy in your children’s lives as is feasible. Maintaining relationships with friends and neighbors provides a sense of stability and continuity. Keeping children in the same school and remaining in the same house, when possible, serves to remind children that life is still going on as usual in many ways. That awareness makes it easier to adapt to the other changes happening at the same time. Always make decisions based on their emotional security.

2. Make spending time and attention with your children a priority. With all the stress in your life it’s easy to overlook your kid’s need for stability and security. The best source for that is you. It’s easy to take solace with friends or bury yourself in work, but your children need you more than ever right now. Your love and attention are the most valuable resources you can share with them. Make sure you are generous with both!

3. Talk to your children about ways to discuss the divorce with their friends and extended family. Coach them on answers to probing questions from the outside, such as, “I don’t know. My mom and dad are working on that.” Or “You’ll have to ask my mom about that.” Do whatever it takes to remember that your children deserve to have and keep their childhood. Let them be kids. Never burden them with adult responsibilities or communication.

4. Seek out other families who have experienced divorce as part of a new network. This can provide support and new friends for you as well as your children. They will appreciate meeting other kids who know what they are going through and can share feelings and stories. School guidance counselors may be able to help you find support groups, clubs or other gatherings.

5. Don’t wait for emotional or behavior problems to appear. It is often wise to talk to a family therapist in advance about issues to be aware of. Or schedule a few sessions with your children so they can express their anxiety, fear, anger, etc. and feel “heard” by an objective third party. Ask friends, pediatricians or school professionals for referrals to therapists experienced with divorce.

Some days you may want to hide in a closet or under the blankets in bed. So may your children. But they can’t always express what they are feeling and why. It is your responsibility to be diligent in protecting your children — emotionally as well as physically. Keep the doors to communication open as non-judgmentally as you can. This will go a long way toward helping the children you love get through these challenging times with the best possible outcome.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca, CCT 2009  All rights reserved.