Divorce Without Dishonor

It’s no secret that one of the biggest challenges a parent faces after divorce is staying in good communication with your children. Obviously all parents struggle with communication issues as their children grow, but children who have had their lives dramatically altered by separation or divorce need even more attention – and diligent observation by their parents.

Children tend not to tell you when they are angry, resentful, confused, hurt or depressed. Instead they reflect their problems through their behavior – acting out or perhaps turning inward in ways that you have not experienced prior to the divorce.

Here are some tips that most all professionals agree about as ways to encourage positive and productive communication between you and your children. Many of these are obvious or innate behaviors. Some can easily be forgotten amid the challenges you are juggling in your own life on a daily basis.

Take time to see the world through your children’s eyes and you will be better able to meet their needs, understand their confusion or aggression and find appropriate  ways to dissolve tension through your conversation and caring behaviors.

• Be available and attentive when your child comes to you to talk or ask questions. That means turning off the TV, putting down the newspaper, not answering the phone and giving them eye-contact and a welcoming smile. Sometimes attempting to talk to you is the result of considerable thought and risk on their part. Encourage these conversations when they happen.

• It is helpful to sit, kneel or in other ways get down closer to your child’s level when you talk. Towering over them is a form of intimidation that does not translate into safety or trust.

• Keep your conversations private unless they want to include others. Let them know they are safe in confiding to you and that you are interested and care about matters that concern them.

• Don’t dismiss a subject lightly if it is one bothering your child. Laughing, joking or teasing will create alienation that ultimately will discourage your child to share what is bothering them with you. This is a dangerous road to travel, especially as your children develop into their teen years.

• Equally important is to never embarrass your children or put them on the spot in front of others. This will immediately close the door to honest, trustworthy communication.

• Avoid talking to your child when you are angry or upset with them or others. Promise to talk in a half-hour or hour at a specific place after you’ve had a chance to settle down and regain your objectivity.

• Be an active listener. Don’t interrupt while your child is talking. Listen carefully and then paraphrase back what you heard them say. Ask if you’re right in your interpretation. They’ll tell you. This give and tack will help you be more precisely understood what is really at issue.

• Asking why can be intimidating and close off your conversation. Instead ask what happened questions which keep the dialogue open.

• Be patient. Don’t react or respond until you get the full message. Sometimes it takes some meandering for your child to reach the crucial point of what they want to say. Don’t shut them off too soon!

• Remember that preaching, moralizing or “parenting” comments can put up barriers to clear communication. Listening is your most valuable skill and tool.

• Watch your judgments and put-downs, even with upsetting information. Don’t belittle your children, call them names or insult their behaviors. Talk to them – not at them! The difference is felt as respect.

• Acknowledge your children for coming to you. Praise their braveness. If you were at fault, apologize honestly and discuss how you can make changes for the future.

• Show that you accept and love them – even if their behaviors were not acceptable. Then help them come up with some acceptable solutions they can understand and feel good about.

Children who feel safe talking to their parents grow up as better communicators overall. They will be more likely to have healthy communication in their own adult relationships – with their spouses and children.

Families that keep feelings repressed, that don’t discuss issues that come up, send the message that it’s not all right to talk about things that bother us. The consequences of this can be seen in our nightly news headlines every day.

You can open the doors to caring communication in your home by starting today. Your children may be a little resistant at first as they test the waters, but they will surely appreciate this opportunity once they know you are sincere. Start the process yourself – and see how valuable it is to “hear” what your children have to say!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!  For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

“Divorce is never easy – especially for the ones who have no choice in the matter – the children.  When parents make the decision to divorce, their children’s lives are altered forever. It is crucial for parents to understand how their actions and attitudes during the divorce process will adversely affect their children. By educating themselves on how to control their emotions, and therefore, actions, parents can help lessen the negative impact of divorce on their children.  “STOP Fighting Over The Kids … Resolving Day – To – Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations” by Mike Mastracci is a fantastic source of information for divorcing parents by someone “who has been there”, both personally and professionally.”

Heath Drescher, Illustrator of  “YOU and ME MAKE THREE … B.B. – The Bear Who’s Always There – Helps Kids With Divorce”

More about Heather Drescher

Heather Drescher graduated from the Art Institute of Fort Lauderdale with a Bachelor of Science degree in Computer Animated Art.  She has contributed illustrations to several children’s educational projects, as well as endeavors with various authors.  Drescher has also been certified in M. Gary Neuman’s Sandcastles Program.  She owns Heather Drescher Artistry  which specializes in fine art and photography.  She is also co-owner of Caring Creations, LLC which promotes charitable missions for children through books and education. 

Different houses; different rules. That’s a difficult concept for a child. Children thrive in ordered environments. They feel safe when they know what the rules are and what will happen when they break them. And consistency counts. Children have a little trouble understanding “exceptions.”

But life is full of exceptions. When parents divorce, they may no longer agree on the rules that will govern their children’s behavior. Out of guilt, some parents refuse to set rules, giving in to their child’s every demand. They confuse leniency with an expression of love. When parents refuse to parent, they unfairly transfer the burden of responsibility to their children who are not yet mature enough to handle that level of responsibility. The result is frustration, anger and fear. Children need consistent rules to feel safe.

Collaborative divorce sets a cooperative groundwork that allows parents to work together to establish rules for their children. Parents who can agree on major rules like discipline, homework and curfews provide a more stable lifestyle for their children as they travel between the two homes. However, parents also need to be flexible about accepting lifestyle differences and priorities. You have to expect differences in house rules such as chores, snacking and wakeup and bedtime routines. In a collaborative environment, you can work together for the good of your children, while still exerting your own independence.

Welcome to 2009 and and the Brave New World. No, I don’t pretend to know what it will look/feel/be like, but I dare predict– it will be different.

So, food for thought. Are there, perhaps, millions of folks out there in  this country who KNOW they do NOT want to fight, even though they do want to end their marriages?

(A corollary– are most lawyers unaware this is true , or even … possible?)

I think the answer to BOTH questions is… yes!!!

Anyone have a  reaction?

This article is continued from Wednesday. 

Who’s Sane Here?

I offer the following as a rare judicial comment on the madness of this!

DaSilva v. DaSilva, C.A. 4th No. G032410
JOSE DaSILVA, Appellant, v. SHARON DaSILVA, Respondent. In the Court of Appeal of the State of California, Fourth Appellate District

“California’s child support statutes are a legal world unto themselves.” (In re Marriage of Hall (2000) 81 Cal.App.4th 313, 316.) When making a child support order, trial courts are faced with a “rigid algebraic formula” found in Family Code section 4055. The actual text of section 4055 would probably not be called the Legislature’s most lucid work by anyone. It is . . . a ‘ glorified math problem.’ One doesn’t so much read it as plug numbers into the basic equation. (“CS = K [HN-(H%)(TN)]” — There, we trust that’s perfectly clear.) The statute virtually beckons the eyes to glaze over.” (Id. at p. 317.) (Emphasis mine.)

Yet this is how we want our worst, most painful problems solved? By a stranger interpreting an insane formula? I think this is madness! We are used to it, but step far enough back and its sheer lunacy seems starkly clear.

Bridal to Battle

How do two people go from having a “going concern” to having a never-ending battle? I think the legal system is a large part of the problem. Yes, it’s true – hurt and pain and age regression and trauma and misunderstandings are present in divorce. There is no way the decision by one spouse to dissolve a marriage can be painless for the other. But unmarried people manage to end relationships and grow apart without spending thousands of dollars and years of their lives doing it.
So, does a family have to be a casualty of divorce? No, not if we do two things. First, we have to remember that the family exists before and after a divorce, and then we need to give the parents (or spouses)  tools and choices which encourage, nourish, and enable this family focus.

Does the battle have to follow the confusion?

The best way to do this is using “ADR” – “Appropriate Dispute Resolution.” This means staying outside the courtroom, at a minimum. For some couples, that might mean using the California Summary Dissolution process. (This is only available for couples with short marriages no kids and no real property.) for some, it could be mediation, which is suffice for couples who are in full agreement on how they wasn’t their family to be after divorce, but need expert help with the “how.” But for many, if not most couples, who need help with many aspects of the family reorganization – financial, emotional AND legal – this would only be possible in the “Collaborative Divorce” model.

Why Haven’t I Heard?

Recently this model has begun to receive media coverage, thanks to a few brave sols who were willing to “go public” with their stories. You will hear more and more about it in the coming year. Most family law Judges are enthusiastic about it, and some courts are sending letters recommending couples seek “ADR” and mentioning Collaborative Practice as one option.

The Bottom Line

What’s the bottom line? Couples need to know that their divorce from each other should not, nor does it have to, mean they divorce their kids, and lose any semblance of family. This new model works for families, and it works for all the professionals who have watched in horror as the legal system of adversarial combat left no survivors. It has now been discussed on the Today Show (January 19th) and Talk of the City on KAPPA in Los Angeles February 9, 2005. But you may have to ask for “Collaborative Divorce.” Don’t take no for an answer.
As they used to say on “The X Files,” the truth is out there!” And the truth is – divorcing your spouse no way means you have to divorce your family.

About the Author E. Carroll Straus

Caroll Straus is a California lawyer whose experience reflects her global/holistic inclination, as she has worked for both “sides” of personal injury– Plaintiff and Defense, as well as three (yes three!) aspects of Worker’s Comp– injured workers, employers and as a consultant for all parties, and insurance defense subrogation.

In the area of Family Law, she has led the way in areas such as “unbundled services” and collaborative divorce. The common denominator in both of these was her conviction that the public was being ill served by limited (and costly) options and so she made better ones available long before they were accepted as mainstream.

Her current conviction is that the divorce system brings out the worst in people and this they need a legally savvy “coach” to assist them to remain (or become) sane before, during or after they find themselves caught up in it. I am about to launch her ebook called “Finding Your Way Home: Affirmations for Divorce Healing, Before, During or After.”

Continued from Monday. 

Wasted Resources

Angry, frustrated (and sometimes baffled) men – usually the high earners in the family unit, but the low “time share” parent after divorce–have formed some “Fathers Rights” groups. This is odd, when you see the studies that show that women as a group are left much worse off financially after divorce. Still, the men are always miserable paying “alimony”. Sadly, the end result of this is that men are paying money to women they no longer have intimate bonds with, and women are remain dependent on money from men they no longer respect. The bonds of the marriage are also then not quite ended, which has a psychic or spiritual cost.

But inevitably, even in cases where incomes are equal, families are torn apart and the children are invariably the innocent bystanders. We know this, yet the system pretends it isn’t so. The effects on children in adversarial conflict cases range from life long abandonment issues, to assuming that intimate relationships are temporary to being unable to BE married. Not to mention tnat children have no models for resolving conflict with love. (I know…you get the idea.)

In “traditional” divorce it is virtually impossible for the family to stay a family. Before it’s dome, both parents have, in most cases, done things they would not want on the 6:00 news. On some level, in some way, they have succumbed to the culture of ugliness, and done things they would not want done to them.

Many people accept as “received wisdom” that people going through divorce are – and must be – angry, hostile, and in what some call a “divorce trance.” They point to the visible ugliness seen in court cases (and lawyers’ offices) as proof.

Bad Habits

But to assert that bad behavior (the divorcing norm) represents acceptable behavior is like asserting that because we all feel like hitting someone sometimes it’s OK to do so. But it’s not, and we all know that. Spousal abuse used to be accepted – now it is not. Divorce dysfunction can also be seen as unacceptable. I predict it will be.

Grown Up and Childish

Christ — and Buddha, Mohammed, Hillel and Baha’u'llah—have all said to treat others as we would be treated. Not one said “except when they have upset you first.” Divorce is a loss, and we all experience loss as an event outside our comfort zone and outside our more usual coping mechanisms. But it is not a “get out of jail free” card for acting out our worst impulses. And quietly, outside the view of the courts and their neighbors, many divorcing couples avoid divorce court — and behave well. (I know…but I repeat myself.)

This group has been “off the radar” of the legal profession to a large degree, but they exist. They have always existed. They get past their anger, and some even deliberately choose to learn, to accept the reality that any relationship problems take both partners to create, and both partners to maintain. Still more are determined not to harm their children, no matter how much they may be disillusioned about one another — but need legal assistance to do it.

It’s time their options changed.

NEW FLASH! There are new options! No one has to be ground up in a court case. The sad truth is that the outcome of a traditional case is shaped by the tradition legal model – not the other way around. That is to say – the ugliness of most dissolutions as caused by a system which 1) presupposes it 2) amplifies it, and 3) does not have any focus on or mechanism for preserving the family (or changed –but still critical– relationships between parents.) Think about it; assuming unresolved emotional issues, “baggage” or wounds cause most divorces (not a stretch from where I sit) then it follows rather logically that these wounds/issues/baggage will come along into the process of dissolving the marriage,and be amplified if they are played out in an adversarial system.

Traditional litigation assumes that truth (reconstruction some past event which caused harm) will emerge from the clash of opposing viewpoints. This may well be true – but in a no fault divorce world—most states–marriage, divorce, and “family law” are not about “facts in the past.” (True, in large asset cases, these sorts of reconstructions may be a small part of the overall process – but the transaction costs of hiring experts to fight these things out is huge. I as told by one of his attorneys , oil Baron T. Boone Pickens’ divorce cost millions.) And what of the future of the entity which is not ending in most divorces — the family?

Orphans of the Family Court

Children seldom have a choice in these cases – and far less seldom are they pleased about them! Their parents are saying, “We don’t love each other any more…” (I have a different opinion about that, but that is the model most people buy into.) Then they are told “But we won’t stop loving you!” If you were that kid, would you believe this?

We, as adults, know there is a qualitative difference between intimate relationships and family relationships – but children do not. “I will stop loving Daddy but won’t stop loving you” makes no sense to a child. Nor does “I still love your mother” when the family is in turmoil. And worse yet, many well meaning parents end up seeking the comfort they gained from the lost spouse from the children. And many–  perhaps most– are implicitly asked to choose between parents. This is so destructive for a child it cannot be overstated. (And yes, I do speak from personal experience here!)

The Walking Wounded

So, the level of emotional maturity that it takes to rise above the wounds we have from ending our marriage (to avoid the wounds litigation leaves in its wake) seems to be more than most people can manage. And because of this, the accepted norm –bad feelings and bad behavior– is treated as a fact of life. Well – the bad feeling may be, for a time, a fact of life in divorce – but bad behavior is bad behavior, and is not excused – or made normative – by history. Sadly, this is accepted by may as the way things are. Some of us think it is toxic, at times sadistic — and needs to change.

This article is continued on Friday.

About the Author E. Carroll Straus

Caroll Straus is a California lawyer whose experience reflects her global/holistic inclination, as she has worked for both “sides” of personal injury– Plaintiff and Defense, as well as three (yes three!) aspects of Worker’s Comp– injured workers, employers and as a consultant for all parties, and insurance defense subrogation.

In the area of Family Law, she has led the way in areas such as “unbundled services” and collaborative divorce. The common denominator in both of these was her conviction that the public was being ill served by limited (and costly) options and so she made better ones available long before they were accepted as mainstream.

Her current conviction is that the divorce system brings out the worst in people and this they need a legally savvy “coach” to assist them to remain (or become) sane before, during or after they find themselves caught up in it. I am about to launch her ebook called “Finding Your Way Home: Affirmations for Divorce Healing, Before, During or After.”

Happy Beginnings

The following tidbit is not news, but there is a reason you are reading it. So—here goes.

Literally hundreds of thousands of people get married every year. Most are happy when they decide to wed, and when they marry, they are convinced they are going to be even happier. They buy expensive dresses, more expensive rings. They plan grand parties and splurge on lavish get-aways – and they vow their commitment to being “us.” They stop being individuals and become “a couple.” This has an irrevocable aspect.
And then…after a while…they are not always so happy. Misunderstandings set in. The person they wake up to is not the person the imagined themselves attaching their lives to. (Somehow this catches us by surprise. I know – I’ve been there.) Next stop—divorce.

Unhappy Middles

Getting uncoupled is no fun. Plans change. Dreams die. Uncertainty looms. Identities must change. But these changes can be dealt with. (I know – I did it.)

Moreover, many of these couples have had children in the years between “I do” and “I don’t.” They have become families. There are more actors in the play than there were at “I do.” And yet, there is no game plan, no budget, no insurance, to pay for the process called divorce. There is no easy solution when this occurs. Chaos reigns. And this occurs in half the marriages! This state of affairs is not seen as a crisis, because it is so common, but if this were a disease, the NIH would be putting warning labels somewhere!

Why does this statistic seem to be hovering near the 50% mark? Maybe because (despite the statistics) most people still expect to have stability in their primary relationships, and kids are part of the ideal image they have. Maybe because most of them want to be part of a family — maybe the family they never had—yet no one has taught them how. And for sure there are two sets of unspoken (and unmet) expectations in each marriage. Maybe times have changed too fast. Who knows?

What we do know is that an enormous number of these families, across the nation and across income groups and backgrounds, are families in which Mommy and Daddy are deciding (or have decided)  to end their marriages. (I know — I grew up in one.)

And all across America, hundreds of thousands of dollars are being spent on divorces. This is just the simple ones where the legal case technically ends when the judgment is entered. (What few realize is that the case actually continues until there are no more minor children. You are under a “life sentence” when you have kids, and you are divorced.)

But some people keep fighting, after the final court hearing. This is how case law is made, and some of these end up on the news. In every one of these cases that end up making new law (say, on when grandparents can be denied visitation, when parents can or can’t move away, when same sex couples are both parents and when one is not, when s child support is enough—the list goes on) many more hundreds of thousands of dollars are spent on appeals. Major financial resources are devoted to (theoretically) untangling conflict the family is engaged in — money that could have been spent to educate children, or start new lives. All this is the result of disputes about what happens to the family. But what scares me is that is all based on a delusion—that any judge can possibly know what’s best for YOUR child!

This article will be continued on Wednesday.

About the Author E. Carroll Straus

Caroll Straus is a California lawyer whose experience reflects her global/holistic inclination, as she has worked for both “sides” of personal injury– Plaintiff and Defense, as well as three (yes three!) aspects of Worker’s Comp– injured workers, employers and as a consultant for all parties, and insurance defense subrogation.

In the area of Family Law, she has led the way in areas such as “unbundled services” and collaborative divorce. The common denominator in both of these was her conviction that the public was being ill served by limited (and costly) options and so she made better ones available long before they were accepted as mainstream.

Her current conviction is that the divorce system brings out the worst in people and this they need a legally savvy “coach” to assist them to remain (or become) sane before, during or after they find themselves caught up in it. I am about to launch her ebook called “Finding Your Way Home: Affirmations for Divorce Healing, Before, During or After.”

As co-founder of the Michigan SMILE program, an educational seminar for parents regarding the impact of divorce on children, I was delighted to read Michael Mastracci’s “Stop Fighting Over the Kids.”

Michael Mastracci’s approach makes it clear that parental conflict can be toxic for children and that every mother and father has the power to minimize that impact by learning and agreeing to put their children first. This book presents a road map to make this better outcome possible. I highly recommend this book to anyone who wants to take their kids out of the middle and on the path to fulfillment of their potential.

Honorable Edward Sosnick, Circuit Court Judge
Co-founder of the Michigan SMILE Program for Divorcing Families

To say that I was impressed and pleased at what you have created is indeed an understatement. I found the book easy to read and jam-packed with insights, information and guidance, the likes of which I have yet to see anywhere else. 

I have been practicing custody litigation for over 27 years and I am a Certified Family Law Specialist here in California (so certified by the California State Bar Board of Legal Specialization) and I have, quite literally, seen it all in this area, as I suspect you have as well. You have created a resource I plan on sending my clients to as often as possible. 

Your book should be required reading for anyone with children, whether divorce or custody litigation is looming in their future or not.  This is a valuable read for parents, period. 

It helps us to understand the depths of the emotions and consequences that our behavior as adults and parents in these difficult situations can have on our children and their children’s children, and so on, quite literally for generations to come. 

The resources you provide are clear and even-handed.  You have created a road map for successful parenting that should become a staple in every custody lawyer’s library and a recommended resource on every courthouse web site.  I will continue to use, refer to and recommend this invaluable resource and I look forward to being able to direct my clients and my colleagues to a website where they can buy this book. 

Thank you Mike for writing this book. I can see that it has a lot of “you” in it and your candor, wisdom and guidance has already helped me as a parent and as a custody lawyer. You should be very, very proud of this work.

Marshall E. Waller, Certified Family Law Specialist

Dr. Phil “Best of the Best” Child Custody Attorney

Divorce has many effects on children. No two children will react in exactly the same way. That’s why parents need to be diligent about watching for signs and indications that your child may be having problems coping with their new reality.

Depression is one of the more common reactions we see in children of divorce. Unfortunately, many parents entirely miss or misinterpret the signs of depression. It can take many forms including behavior that is distancing, lethargic and withdrawn. This is often accompanied by a drop in school grades. But depression can also show in other ways, such as agitation, frustration and aggression.

When depression takes that form, parents are likely to think of it in terms of discipline problems and respond with punishment. It takes maturity and a broader perspective to stand back and realize that your child’s misbehavior may actually be a way of communicating how they are feeling. Their confusion, anger, resentment and powerlessness to control their life circumstances get expressed physically because they don’t know how to verbalize those complex emotions.

Understanding and compassion goes a long way toward opening that door to communication. Instead of punishment, try talking about your new family situation and acknowledging areas that can be improved. Ask for suggestions. Try to get feedback, to create a dialog rather than lecturing.

The key for parents is in finding more time for emotional support and reassurance to help your child feel less alone or isolated – especially by the new circumstances in his or her life. If extended family – grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins are not close by, this becomes even more essential. Children need the support of emotional anchors – close family and friends – and the consequences of divorce too often isolates them from the very people who can best help them through the transition. For this reason you as a parent must continuously keep your eyes open for signs of emotional distress – and then quickly respond with love, attention, compassion and both physical and emotional support. 

Studies show that the rate of serious depression is increasing in children – up from 2% a generation ago to 23% for children up to age 20. Not all of it is divorce related, of course, but it still should be a wake-up call to parents. Don’t beat yourself up with guilt. That doesn’t serve any one in the family. But do be alert so you can address issues that come up early on, before they lead to far greater problems.
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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources  on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com