Divorce Without Dishonor

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From all your friends here at Divorce Without Dishonor, we wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday.

The holidays are a special time for children. There’s the excitement of Santa, presents under the tree, holiday treats and special activities. Every family develops their own special holiday traditions over the years. When I was growing up, making sugar cookies was one of the highlights of our celebration. Mom would roll out the dough while we took turns cutting out the Christmas shapes. But our favorite part was decorating. We’d load the cookies up with chocolate sprinkles, silver balls, cinnamon dots and raisins then bury them in a thick layer of red and green sugar. Eating them hot out of the oven with tall glasses of milk was pure bliss.

These are the things that make a holiday special for children. It’s the loss of family traditions like this that make separation or divorce particularly painful for children during the holidays. In the rush to buy and wrap presents, clean the house, stock the larder, visit family and deal with their own emotions, parents often lose sight of how much their children count on — and miss — small family traditions like making cookies or decorating the tree together.

In the spirit of the holidays, whether you celebrate Christmas or Hanukkah or Kwanza, talk to your spouse about putting aside your differences and making this a nice celebration for your children. Collaborate on schedules and activities. If you work together and focus on your children, you should be able to include in your holiday plans many of the special family traditions that make the holidays a magical time for your children — and you.

Returning home from work on a busy day, the first thought in your mind is likely to be getting some rest and relaxation. In the context of a divorce, however, there are a number of moving pieces which can complicate family life, even outside of the scope of your former spouse. Ensuring that your children have a smooth transition during the divorce process takes work, but will be rewarding as you transition to your new lifestyle:

• Make Sure That You Confer with Your Ex
No matter how difficult a divorce might be, it’s essential that children don’t get conflicting stories from either parent. As a result, you’ll want to make sure that you confer with your partner to discuss how to explain the situation to the children. If necessary, you could visit a counselor to serve as an intermediary during these discussions.

• Keep Your Poise During Your Explanation
Emotions can run high during a divorce, so it’s crucial that you can rise above the difficulties to calmly give your children an honest assessment of the situation. Avoid discussions of blame and, instead, focus on solutions in the spirit of moving forward.

• Let Your Children Know that They Matter
An underlying concern of many children is that they will get left out of your life in the wake of a divorce. Re-assure them that they are loved and will continue to spend plenty of time with you going forward.

• Listen to Their Feelings
Rather than going into the discussion with a set script, it’s important to listen and react to how your children are feeling. Give them an opportunity to ask questions and reflect on what you tell them, as this will truly help open the doors to healing and
understanding.

• Give Your Children a Framework Going Forward
While you may not have all of the details regarding home ownership or custody, you should give your children a sense of what they can expect going forward. For example, if you plan split custody then you might want to tell them “sometimes you’ll spend time with Mom and other times with Dad.” If they press for details, then listen calmly and
tell them as much as you know, as well as when they can expect to learn more.

This guest posting comes from Maya Richard@gmail.com who primarily
writes about high speed internet.

A recent article I read talks about proposed changes to child custody legislation. An investigative committee is being formed to consider whether “shared parenting may be the best custodial situation for all children of divorcing parents.”

While I am a strong advocate of shared parenting – it worked very successfully for me – I do not believe it’’s the right or only answer for everyone. Because every situation is different when it comes to divorce, I certainly don’’t believe legislation should be determining custody outcomes for any family. These are issues that caring, conscious parents should be deciding together with only one goal in mind – the very best interest of their children.

Unfortunately, too many parents approach this issue as adversaries. When child custody becomes a battle, everyone loses. Parents are pitted against each other and innocent children inevitably pay the price.

When custodial decisions move into contention, creating a scenario where legislation and courts determine the direction of your children’s future, you not only lose power in your life, you lose harmony within your already fragile family structure.

There is another way. When you create a child-centered divorce, your children win – on every level. Parents who make a concerted effort to sit down with each other and discuss the future well-being of their kids together, keep their perspective where it really belongs – on the children. To do this, they must take into account and ask themselves some very serious questions:

• What’s best for our children today, tomorrow and in the years to come?
• How can we minimize the physical, emotional and spiritual damage inflicted upon our children as a result of our pending divorce?
• How can we best support our children through this difficult time?
• How can we show your love and compassion for them as they move through challenges they did not ask for — or create?
• What can we do to boost their sense of security, self-esteem and well-being during the transitions ahead?
• Who can provide the least traumatic home environment for the children – and for what percent of each day, week, month and year?
• How can each of us best contribute our assets – physical, emotional and spiritual – to create harmony, good will and peace within the changed family structure?
• How will our children look back at this divorce a year, five years, ten years and more from now? Will they understand?
• How can we make life better for our children after the divorce than it was before?

The answers to these questions are not simple, nor are they black and white. They require honest communication between two mature adults who have their children’s best interest at heart. And yes, it may likely take more than the two of you to come to resolution on all the child-custody details. That’s where you can enlist the aid of professionals — mediators, enlightened attorneys like Mike Mastracci, therapists, counselors, life coaches and clergy. These experienced and knowledgeable experts will approach your divorce from a child-focused perspective. They have the tools and insight to help you reach agreement on issues that will affect the total well-being of your children in the least-derisive manner.

As tough as this process may appear, wouldn’t you prefer to make these decisions together, before you approach the court – and lawyers – rather than having them made for you?

When parents let the negative emotions they’re feeling toward their spouses – hatred, hurt, disappointment, guilt, shame, anxiety, frustration, mistrust and more – influence their decisions about child-custody issues, they are sabotaging their children. It is selfish, insensitive and extremely unproductive to let your personal vendetta determine the relationship your children have with their other parent. You are allowing personal satisfaction to get in the way of your parental responsibilities toward your kids. And the cost – to them as well as to you – will be high. (Many children, as they grow, come to resent a parent who keeps them from having a positive relationship with their other parent, leading to alienation and other negative outcomes.)

Upcoming articles in this series will address some of the questions loving parents need to address in creating a child-centered divorce as well as the consequences when parents put their own needs before those of their children. I value your comments and suggestions as we explore this important topic for families touched by separation or divorce.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

While a divorce can be one of the most traumatic events of an adult’s life, the keys to dealing with divorce can be found in the behavioral patterns of early childhood. Dr. Deb Hecker explores the similarities between developing oneself as a human being and redeveloping oneself as a newly single person. Understanding these similarities will aid divorce attorneys in both dealing with and understanding their clients’ emotional needs and state of mind.

Introduction

Aiding your clients in the transition from being part of a couple to being successfully divorced has as much to do with exercising emotional intelligence as legal intelligence. Some of the most difficult impasses in divorce are based on unresolved emotional issues, not concerns over division of property or even custody issues. At these times, a lawyer focusing solely on the facts or content of the case simply cannot help the client move beyond the emotional stalemate.

Most of the literature on the psychology of divorce treats divorce as the death of a relationship and focuses on the necessity of grieving that death in order to move forward as a no-longer-married person. The end of a marriage can be as traumatic as the actual death of a loved one in its capacity to wrench life apart and carve out a piece of the soul. All domestic attorneys have witnessed their clients’ emotional chaos — an emotional state that Abigail Trafford in her book “Crazy Time, Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life” refers to as “temporary insanity”.

In order to more fully understand why divorce is such a devastating transition and why otherwise nice people behave so badly during divorce — badly enough to inadvertently interfere in the process — it is vital for divorce attorneys to have a grasp of the psychology of separation. A concerned and sensitive divorce attorney should understand how transitioning from being part of a couple complete with the emotional, social, and financial security that comes from being a part of a team to being single and self-reliant can create such emotional upheaval for their clients.

The metamorphosis from being part of a marital couple to becoming a single, unattached person is a series of developmental stages paralleling the early years of the mother-child bond, as described by pioneering researcher, Dr. Margaret Mahler. In her groundbreaking book The Psychological Birth of the Human Infant: Symbiosis and Individuation, Mahler outlines her model of child development, which one can directly apply to the interactive characteristics of a couple’s relationship.

The following brief description of Mahler’s theory on separation-individuation provides the framework for understanding the process through which a child must transition in order to achieve a separate identity from its mother. After exploring the mother-child dyad, we will look at how it serves as the foundation for the marital relationship and what happens when that relationship dissolves.

Child Developmental Stages

Mahler saw the infant as being born into a normal autistic phase whose primary task is to establish equilibrium outside the womb. At around two months old, the infant’s sensitivity to external stimulation increases, and he moves into the symbiotic phase. The term “symbiosis” in this context is a metaphor describing the “undifferentiation” — a fusion with the mother in which the “I” is not yet differentiated from the “not-I”. According to Mahler, it is the symbiotic phase that becomes the template for all gratification as well as empathy and love in future relationships.

At about five or six months, the differentiation phase begins, and the infant becomes more alert to his external surroundings — exploring both the mother and the environment. Using his body, the baby learns his outer physical boundaries, thereby experiencing greater differentiation from the mother. Soon thereafter, the practicing phase begins in which the child, according to Mahler, develops a “love affair” with the world, learning to crawl and walk away from the mother. Assuming she is comfortable with this leap of autonomy, the child will successfully enter the rapprochement phase, a difficult time when the child is more ambivalent about his growing independence and begins to manifest a lot of push-pull behavior. Finally, consolidation of individuality begins to take place, and all previous mother-child interactions become internalized and begin to form the basis of the child’s feelings of well being and capacity for healthy future relationships.

The Marital Couple’s Developmental Stages

Using Mahler’s early childhood developmental stages as a springboard, we can explore the evolution of a couple’s relationship.

One can liken the first stage of couplehood, that of being “madly in love”, to Mahler’s second stage of infant growth — symbiosis. The purpose of this stage is attachment. In this stage, singles begin merging lives and personalities and go through a period of intense bonding. If each person receives nurture from the other during this stage and the agreement to form a couple is clear, the relationship will begin with a solid foundation. The partners conceptualize their relationship in terms of a fusion model: together, we shall be one. They look to each other for completion and fulfillment.

During the subsequent differentiation stage, individual differences emerge, and each partner is taken down from the pedestal and viewed more objectively. Greater boundaries are established. Disillusion and disappointment are inevitable.

Continuing the parallel with Mahler’s model, the couple enters a normal period of practicing in which each participates in activities and relationships away from the other. Separateness, autonomy, and self become more important than developing the relationship. Conflicts intensify, and a healthy process for conflict resolution becomes necessary in order for the couple to maintain an emotional connection while developing themselves in the world. After each has developed a well-defined, competent identity, the couple alternates between periods of increased intimacy and efforts to reestablish independence. This rapprochement stage achieves a balance between “me” and “we”. Finally, the couple reaches a stage of mutual interdependence in which, ideally, two well-integrated people are individually and mutually satisfied.

Loss of Mate: The Psychology of Divorce

Inevitably, the early mother-child bond will fall short of perfectly meeting all of the child’s needs and desires. Looking to one’s spouse to meet these unfulfilled needs often becomes a convenient way to fill the gap in adulthood. Unconsciously, dependency is shifted from the parent to the mate, who becomes the recipient of these unmet needs.

While this may appear on the surface to be a reasonable solution, it is, in fact, fraught with real problems. Left unattended, these problems can lead the couple to serious conflict, even divorce.

Let’s look at a common marital dynamic. The typical couple starts off their partnership in the symbiotic phase, the fusion model, where they are both working toward oneness. What happens if one partner transitions into the differentiation or practicing phase and begins seeking greater independence, while the other remains in the symbiotic phase still yearning for the security of the marriage and locked in the maternal fantasy role? The result is likely to be a bumpy ride with one partner seeking closeness and the other distance, creating a kind of seesaw effect. With the help of a marriage counselor, some couples can remedy this imbalance. For others, the disparity is too difficult to change, and divorce becomes the only solution.

The depth with which marital partners touch each other in their intimate lives, striving to achieve a balance between closeness and distance, must be understood in order to grasp the severity of the loss through divorce. Losing a spouse who is perceived as a protector and savior, much the same way that a parent is perceived, can be a devastating and frightening blow. When attorneys understand divorce in the context of uprooting a deep psychological anchor from its mooring, the dramas that they see daily in their office are much easier to comprehend.

Conclusions

Most divorce attorneys understand that much of the time spent with clients centers on the clients’ emotional needs and personal problems resulting from their loss. Understanding how the separation process provides ample triggers for hurt, sadness, anger, and fear enables an attorney to prevent those emotions from throwing up roadblocks to progress and successful legal resolution.

In some respects, matrimonial lawyers face many of the same challenges that trained psychotherapists do, but without the benefit of training in how to manage these emotions. Although divorce lawyers do not need to be trained psychotherapists to represent their clients successfully, they need to do what they can to reduce conflict and promote a divorce environment that helps their client remain focused, calm, and goal-directed. An empathetic divorce attorney can see through the anger, greed, and grief and not allow it to impede a successful legal resolution.

A person beginning the divorce process often looks at issues through childish eyes, repeating the early behavior patterns described by Mahler and subconsciously subverting the divorce process. A divorce attorney who understands the psychological stages the client is experiencing can better promote adult behavior and provide quality legal resolution.

Since many, if not most, individuals in the midst of divorce will feel alone and frightened at some point, it can be difficult and sometimes nearly impossible for them to make rational decisions that are in their own best interests. Clients in this vulnerable state often become dependent on their divorce attorneys — looking for someone to “take care of everything”. It is vital that the divorce attorney resist the client’s misplaced dependency needs and feelings of helplessness. By involving them in the decision-making process, they will instead foster their independence.

Sound legal judgment, uncomplicated by the client’s emotions, will help minimize costly post-divorce conflicts. Armed with the knowledge that the client’s behavior is based in deeper emotional issues, a savvy divorce attorney can reduce exposure to ethical complaints as well as reduce his own stress levels.

Finally, if the pressure of dealing with the client’s emotional problems becomes too stressful, referring a client to a competent divorce counselor will benefit both the client and attorney. Coordinating the emotional divorce with the legal divorce is an excellent way of easing and shortening the divorce process.

About the Author

Deborah Hecker, Ph.D. is a divorce counselor. You can visit Dr. Deborah Hecker on the web at http://www.drdeborahhecker.com/ or by phone at 1.888.777.3585.

Divorce rates seem to be declining slightly. Not because people want to stay married, but because they can’t afford to get divorced. It’s an unhealthy repercussion of our current economic woes. Finances, which are the primary source of family strife, are forcing unhappy couples to remain in dysfunctional marriages.

Historically, divorce rates rise during difficult economic times. The 1997 recession brought a 17% spike in divorces. But, like the Great Depression when divorce rates fell in the 1930s, the severity of the current recession is bucking the trend. People who can barely afford to support one household can’t afford the cost of separating.

With housing prices at historic lows in a sluggish market, the sale of the family home can no longer be counted on to provide the financial capital necessary to pay attorneys’ fees and re-establish both spouses. Tight credit contributes to the financial difficulties of separating. The whole situation makes for a lot of unhappy people living together out of necessity, not love.

Collaborative divorce is the answer. Far less expensive than traditional litigation, collaborative divorce allows couples to make their own decisions, divide their property, and establish custody procedures with the help of an attorney but outside the court system. For couples desperate to end their marriage, but who worry about their financial ability to do so, collaborative divorce offers hope. To find out more and view a sample collaborative divorce document, visit my website.

No one plans to get divorced. But more than one million children in the U.S. will experience its affects this year alone. Divorce has become a reality in our culture and innocent children are coping with the consequences every day.

The good news is that divorce need not wound and scar your children if you put their emotional and psychological needs first when making crucial decisions. It’s misguided parents – angry, resentful, hurt and mistrusting – who unintentionally set their children up for painful outcomes. These parents don’t understand that every decision they make regarding their divorce will effect the well-being of their children in countless ways. The emotional scars are not only harder to see, they’re also much harder to erase.

Here are five keys to helping your children move through and thrive after divorce.

1) Remind them this is not their fault.

Children tend to blame themselves for divorce, no matter how bad Mom and Dad’s relationship has been. The younger the child, the more likely this is so. Sit down together and talk to your children, emphasizing that they are in no way at fault. You can say something like: “Mom and Dad don’t agree about certain key issues and that has created conflict. Even when some of the issues are about you, it does not mean you are to blame. You are an innocent child who we both love. Sadly, Mom and Dad disagree about certain important issues — but not about our love for you. You are not in any way at fault.”

2) Focus on change — not on blame.

Divorce is all about change within the family structure. Often those changes can be beneficial and create a more peaceful environment for your children. Never burden them with adult information and judgments. Focus instead on the fact that change is an inevitable part of life and not necessarily bad. Let your children see that everything in life keeps changing. “You grow bigger every year. Seasons change, clothing styles change, your school classes change. Sometimes it takes a while to get used to changes, like when you get a new teacher or try a new sport. In time you may come to like these new changes. Let’s give it a try.”
 

3) Respect your child’s other parent.

When you belittle, put down or in any way disrespect your ex – regardless how justified it may feel – it hurts your children in deep and long-lasting ways. Children innately love both their parents and feel a connection to them. When you insult their other parent it creates confusion, guilt, sadness, insecurity and low self-esteem in your children. Instead, remind them that Mom and Dad will always be their parents and will always love them. No one will replace Mom or Dad either. “We will both always love you and be there for you, no matter where we live or how things should change.” Then strive to do the right thing on their behalf.
4) Let your children continue to be children.

While it may sometimes be tempting, never confide adult content to your children. They are not psychologically prepared to handle the emotional complexity. Save venting for trusted friends, a divorce counselor or support group.  Also never ask your children to spy, act as messengers between both parents or provide inappropriate details about the other parent’s home life. Again, this pressure’s them in many ways – none of which are positive. It is not their place to assume adult responsibilities or help you to find evidence against your ex.
5) Make decisions through the eyes of your child.

Before making any decisions regarding divorce issues, think about the consequences for your children. Ask yourself, what will they say to me about this when they are grown adults? Will they thank me for the way I handled the divorce – or be angry and resentful about my attitude and behavior? The choices you make will affect your children for years and decades to come. For their sake, take the high road and be a role model they will want to emulate.
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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!  Her innovative approach guides parents in creating a personal family storybook, using fill-in-the-blank templates, family history and photos, as an effective way to break the news with optimum results. For more information, free articles, free ezine and other valuable resources visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Can a pet be helpful to your children during a divorce and the transition after? In my opinion, without a doubt! If your family has one or more pets, let your children have access to them as much as they desire. There is a great emotional benefit to them and your children are fortunate that the pets they love can still be in their lives.

If you don’t already have a pet, I recommend getting one – but only if you are in a position to be responsible to that innocent animal during this time of additional stress in your life. If a family pet is out of the question, please consider giving your children time to play with the pets of friends and family. Take them to petting zoos. Allow them contact with other life forms that can give them joy at a time when they are likely experiencing stress and insecurity.

In the United States alone, close to 65%, or about 71 million households have pets. Statistics from the National Pet Owners Survey say 39% of these households own at least one dog and 34% one or more cats. This should come as no surprise since pets can be a blessing in the life of any human being at any age.

Here are six key benefits a pet provides for families coping with divorce:

1. Unconditional Love. It has been proven again and again that pets are a source of support and unconditional love for children. During and after divorce, when there is so much instability and insecurity in a child’s life, a beloved pet can be the bridge to sanity. While much around them may be changing, sweet Fluffy is still there to love them and be by their side. 

2. A Confidant. Children like to talk to their pets. For most children pets are a trusted friend in which they can confide and share their deepest fears. This is truly a gift to children and greatly helps with emotional resiliency. Pets are nonjudgmental. They listen attentively. They “understand,” And they always love you back. Isn’t that what your children need at a time like this?

3. Security. Pets have been shown to help children better cope with challenging times within a family including divorce, illness and death. They feel less alone and abandoned. The relationship with the pet provides a deep sense of security that can’t easily be duplicated. In early childhood a stuffed animal often serves much the same purpose. But kids rarely outgrow their bond with Fluffy, even when they mature into their teens.
 
4. Bridge to Adults. Pets can bridge the emotional and communication gap between adults and children – especially when Mom and Dad are preoccupied with so many other time-consuming details during and after a divorce. They are a valued part of the family, a source of calm as the family moves through the storm of post-divorce transition.

5. Stress Reduction. Medical studies have shown that pets are just as beneficial for adults. Walking and talking to your dog or petting your cat can actually lower blood pressure and cholesterol levels, not to mention overall stress. Pets also are a great source of laughter and joy, a reminder that there are other aspects of life that are still wonderful to experience.

6. Best Friend. Pets also provide unconditional love, nurturing and comfort to adults who greatly need it as they transition through the grief of divorce. They’re a best friend when you’re alone and an appreciative ear when you want to vent or shed tears.

Connecting to other life forms is also a wonderful way to get a perspective about our place in the universe and our responsibilities toward others. When life can feel life it’s crashing in around us it is valuable to remember we share this planet with other beings who depend on us for love, sustenance and nurturing as well.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids …about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love. For her free articles, blog, valuable resources  on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

It is Christmas in the heart that puts Christmas in the air. — W.T. Ellis