Divorce Without Dishonor

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While a divorce can be one of the most traumatic events of an adult’s life, the keys to dealing with divorce can be found in the behavioral patterns of early childhood. Dr. Deb Hecker explores the similarities between developing oneself as a human being and redeveloping oneself as a newly single person. Understanding these similarities and how to better address the psychological issues of divorce can make the process easier and much less painful to endure.

Introduction

The transition from being part of a couple to being successfully divorced has as much to do with exercising emotional intelligence as it does legal intelligence. While a divorce attorney plays a vital role, some of the most difficult impasses in divorce are based upon unresolved emotional issues, not concerns over division of assets, property, or even custody issues. At these times, focusing solely on the facts or the content of the case simply cannot break the emotional stalemate.

Most of the literature on the psychology of divorce treats divorce as the death of a relationship and focuses on the necessity of grieving that death in order to move forward as a no-longer-married person. The end of a marriage can be as traumatic as the actual death of a loved one in its capacity to wrench life apart and carve out a piece of the soul. You may have experienced this emotional chasm which Abigail Trafford in her book Crazy Time, Surviving Divorce and Building a New Life refers to as “temporary insanity.”

In order to more fully understand why divorce is such a devastating transition and why otherwise nice people behave so badly during divorce — badly enough to inadvertently interfere in the process — it is crucial that you have a grasp of the psychology of separation. You should understand how transitioning from being part of a couple complete with the emotional, social, and financial security that comes from being a part of a team to being single and self-reliant can create such emotional upheaval.

The metamorphosis from being part of a marital couple to becoming a single, unattached person can best be described as a series of developmental stages paralleling the early years of the mother-child bond, as described by pioneering researcher, Dr. Margaret Mahler. In her groundbreaking book, The Psychological Birth of the Human Infant: Symbiosis and Individuation, Mahler outlines her model of child development which can be directly applied to the interactive characteristics of a couple’s relationship.

The following brief description of Mahler’s theory on separation-individuation provides the framework for understanding the process through which a child must transition in order to achieve a separate identity from its mother. After exploring the mother-child dyad, we will look at how it serves as the foundation for the marital relationship and what happens when that relationship dissolves.

Child Developmental Stages

Mahler saw the infant as being born into a normal autistic phase whose primary task is to establish equilibrium outside the womb. At around two months old, the infant’s sensitivity to external stimulation increases, and he moves into the symbiotic phase. The term “symbiosis” in this context is a metaphor describing the “undifferentiation” — a fusion with the mother in which the “I” is not yet differentiated from the “not-I”. According to Mahler, it is the symbiotic phase that becomes the template for all gratification, as well as empathy and love in future relationships.

At about five or six months, the differentiation phase begins, and the infant becomes more alert to his external surroundings — exploring both the mother and the environment. Using his body, the baby learns his outer physical boundaries, thereby experiencing greater differentiation from the mother. Soon thereafter, the practicing phase begins in which the child, according to Mahler, develops a “love affair” with the world, learning to crawl and walk away from the mother. Assuming she is comfortable with this leap of autonomy, the child will successfully enter the rapprochement phase, a difficult time when the child is more ambivalent about his growing independence and begins to manifest a lot of push-pull behavior. Finally, consolidation of individuality begins to take place and all previous mother-child interactions become internalized and begin to form the basis of the child’s feelings of well being and capacity for healthy future relationships.

The Marital Couple’s Developmental Stages

Using Mahler’s early-childhood developmental stages as a springboard, we can explore the evolution of a couple’s relationship.

The first stage of couplehood, that of being “madly in love,” can be likened to Mahler’s second stage of infant growth — symbiosis. The purpose of this stage is attachment. In this stage, singles begin merging lives and personalities and go through a period of intense bonding. If each person receives nurturance from the other during this stage and the agreement to form a couple is clear, the relationship will begin with a solid foundation. The partners conceptualize their relationship in terms of a fusion model; together, we shall be one. They look to each other for completion and fulfillment.

During the subsequent differentiation stage, individual differences emerge, and each partner is taken down from the pedestal and viewed more objectively. Greater boundaries are established. Disillusion and disappointment are inevitable.

Continuing the parallel with Mahler’s model, the couple enters a normal period of practicing in which each participates in activities and relationships away from the other. Separateness, autonomy, and self become more important than developing the relationship. Conflicts intensify, and a healthy process for conflict resolution becomes necessary in order for the couple to maintain an emotional connection while developing themselves in the world. After each has developed a well-defined, competent identity, the couple alternates between periods of increased intimacy and efforts to reestablish independence. This rapprochement stage achieves a balance between “me” and “we”. Finally, the couple reaches a stage of mutual interdependence where, ideally, two well-integrated people are individually and mutually satisfied.

Loss of Mate: The Psychology of Divorce

Inevitably, the early mother-child bond will fall short of perfectly meeting all of the child’s needs and desires. Looking to one’s spouse to meet these unfulfilled needs often becomes a convenient way to fill the gap in adulthood. Unconsciously, dependency is shifted from the parent to the mate who becomes the recipient of these unmet needs.

While this may appear on the surface to be a reasonable solution, it is, in fact, fraught with real problems. Left unattended, these problems can lead the couple to serious conflict, even divorce.

Let’s look at a common marital dynamic. The typical couple starts off their partnership in the symbiotic phase, the fusion model, where they are both working toward oneness. What happens if one partner transitions into the differentiation or practicing phase and begins seeking greater independence, while the other remains in the symbiotic phase, still yearning for the security of the marriage and locked in the maternal fantasy role? The result is likely to be a bumpy ride with one partner seeking closeness and the other distance, creating a kind of seesaw effect. With the help of a marriage counselor, some couples can remedy this imbalance. For others, the disparity is too difficult to change, and divorce becomes the only solution.

The depth with which marital partners touch each other in their intimate lives, striving to achieve a balance between closeness and distance, must be understood in order to grasp the severity of the loss through divorce. Losing a spouse who is perceived as a protector and savior, much the same way that a parent is perceived, can be a devastating and frightening blow. When you understand divorce in the context of uprooting a deep psychological anchor from its mooring, the dramas that attend the process are much easier to comprehend.

Conclusions

Since many, if not most, individuals in the midst of divorce will find themselves feeling alone and frightened at some point, it can be very difficult and sometimes nearly impossible for them to make rational decisions that are in their own best interest. People in this vulnerable state often become dependent on their divorce attorney — looking for someone to “take care of everything” and promise them a better life.

Fearing for your emotional survival, you may see the world through childish eyes, repeating the early behavior patterns described by Mahler. Instead of assuming that your attorney has all the answers, which he does not, you need to actively flex your independence muscles and collaborate with your attorney in constructing your future. Remember, it is your life.

In many divorces much of the time spent on the process revolves not on your legal needs but on your emotional needs resulting from the loss of your marriage. Understanding how the separation process provides ample triggers for hurt, sadness, anger and fear will help you avoid having those emotions throw up roadblocks to progress and interfere with successful legal resolution.

In some respects, matrimonial lawyers face many of the same challenges that trained psychotherapists do, but without the benefit of training in how to manage these emotions. While it is important for you to seek out a divorce attorney who can empathize with the multiple losses you are experiencing and can listen to your personal pain, it is critical that you assume responsibility for recovering from the emotional stress of your separation.

If you are overwhelmed by your feelings and find that they are affecting your ability to deal with the legal issues of divorce, it may be time to seek professional counseling. A counselor who specializes in separation and loss can help you to minimize the potentially destructive impact your emotions can have on the legal process as well as facilitate your acceptance of the divorce and your adjustment to life as an unmarried person. You must think beyond the immediate issues and work to ensure your emotional health both during and after the divorce. It’s too important to leave to chance.

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About the Author

Deborah Hecker Ph.D. is a licensed divorce counselor. You can visit Dr. Deborah Hecker on the web at http://www.drdeborahhecker.com/ or by phone at 1.888.777.3585.

Did you read about the couple in rural Cambodia who took a literal approach to dividing their assets? At the termination of their 18-year marriage, the couple actually sawed their wooden house in half. The husband and his relatives removed every splinter of one half of the couple’s former two-room home. The wife’s half of the home gives new definition to the term “picture window.” Sitting on its stilt base, one complete side of the home is now open to the elements, providing a commanding view of the village.

It’s a unique, if extreme, solution to property division worthy of King Solomon. The division of property in modern American marriages is necessarily more complex. Arguments over pensions, retirement funds, her stuff, his stuff and our stuff can make property division an acrimonious and stressful process. But it doesn’t have to be.

Collaborative family law allows a couple, not the court, to control how they divide their property. By encouraging mature, cooperative, non-combative behavior and agreeing to avoid litigation, a couple, supported by attorneys dedicated to collaborative family law, can negotiate a mutually agreeable settlement outside of court.

The Collaborative Divorce model requires a commitment on the part of the divorcing couple to work together honestly and with integrity. This article will explore how, within the framework of the collaborative model, divorcing couples must work together in order to live apart.

As a team, the primary tasks of the divorcing couple are to resolve shared problems involving custody and parenting, child support and alimony, marital property, and other practical matters. As individuals, each member of the divorcing couple has a responsibility to build a separate identity as a non-married person.

How can pain, disenchantment, and alienation — all normal feelings resulting from divorce — be reconciled with understanding and respecting each others’ needs? Is it possible for these seemingly paradoxical tasks to be integrated? To accomplish this and to attain a “successful divorce”, there are two parallel tasks to complete — reinventing oneself as a single person (“I”) and maintaining a form of partnership (“we”) to create long-term solutions. This article presents effective techniques for resolving these seemingly contradictory goals.

The Collaborative Model

Collaborative practice offers tremendous benefits for divorcing couples. A core element of the collaborative model is the goal of creating solutions that take into account the highest priorities of both parties and their children. Identifying shared goals and legitimate interests (i.e. needs, concerns, values, and objectives) of both parties, and finding resolutions that will meet the interests of all involved, is a hallmark of the collaborative practice approach.

In traditional litigation-based models of family law, the emotional turmoil couples experience during the separation process is frequently exacerbated by the adversarial nature of the court process. This exacerbation increases the distress and mistrust between the separating couple, breaks down their ability to communicate effectively with one another, and destroys any residual trust the couple may have had. Consequently, it becomes more difficult for the parties to resolve issues. The collaborative model provides divorcing couples with the support and guidance needed to move through the process in a more amicable manner.

While the collaborative process centers on a discovery of personal needs and interests, and how these can be met by each spouse, it is important to remember that conflict is inevitable for nearly all divorcing couples. Indeed, people who are seeking a divorce are experiencing higher than normal levels of conflict. Each spouse has their own version of the breakup and selectively glosses over and highlights those aspects which reinforce their perspective. The collaborative practice gives spouses the help they need to build a story that both can accept, allowing for a smoother resolution and easier transition to single life.

The Psychological Stages of Divorce

It is never easy to end a marriage, and everyone who goes through a divorce will experience an emotional transition. Often, the emotional upheaval of separation and divorce is the primary catalyst leading to a long, drawn-out legal process.

While it may appear that the erratic and emotional behavior occurring during the divorce process is random in nature, many psychologists theorize that there are specific and predictable stages that occur during the divorce process. The combined stages generally take an average of three years to complete and may occur in a specific order or may, in some cases, overlap. Spouses are often at different stages as they progress through the divorce process. The following stages may vary if the divorce is mutual.

Stage 1: Shock and Blame. The individual who initiates the divorce blames the spouse for all of the problems in his or her life. The initiator generally experiences the first stage of divorce while still living with the spouse. Initiators are frequently unhappy for some time and need relief from the stressful marriage. Although there is often a measure of relief, they may also experience guilt, fear, anger, and depression in response to the decision to divorce. The non-initiator, on the other hand, begins the first stage after learning of the spouse’s intent to divorce or after the couple has physically separated. It is at this point that they may develop a negative self-image, appear sad much of the time, become depressed, and experience a profound sense of being shell-shocked. Tending to the children’s needs at this time is very difficult.

Stage 2: Mourning the Loss. This stage is about acknowledging the end of the relationship. It is a time when grief can feel overwhelming. People often become self-pitying as, in their eyes, the future appears hopeless and meaningless. Individuals are intensely preoccupied with their own feelings and unable to concentrate on the real world. The identity and role of spouse is lost, and with that loss comes a feeling of grief no less intense than grieving the actual death of a partner. Often, spouses experience fear that they will never recover and the grief will never end. Diminished parenting may continue. Some parents may hold onto a child in an attempt to recapture the separated spouse. Others may behave in a rejecting manner to their child because of perceived similarities between the child and the spouse.

Stage 3: Anger. Though anger is experienced at almost every stage of the divorce transition, it is now the dominant trait. More often than not, the anger, which may have righteous quality to it, is most often directed toward the spouse. “No fault” divorce does not seem to alleviate the need to blame the other party as the one responsible for the dissolution. The need to perceive one spouse as the “bad” individual and the other as the “wronged” spouse continues. Interestingly, during this time the individual’s energy levels often increase and function to propel the process forward.

Stage 4: Being Single. This is the stage which begins after the initial separation when the terror of living alone and mourning the death of the marriage have run its course. It is the time when one begins to enrich their new life as a single person with new friends, new experiences, and new job challenges. Individuals begin to seek experiences that are not related to and do not involve their former spouses. These experiences are of paramount importance in reinforcing their own sense of self-worth as a separate individual. A commitment to the future and individual development of the self in the absence of the other partner are the primary characteristics of Stage 4.

Stage 5: Re-entry. A new level of stability is now achieved. Individuals regain the feeling of control over their own lives. Long-term plans and commitments can now be made.

The Development of Independence

Readiness to live life without one’s partner requires more than a geographical separation. Achieving psychological independence from the marriage and the former spouse is a critical task for the newly divorced. Individuals must prove to themselves that they are a person who can survive physically and emotionally as a single person instead of as part of a couple. That means validating the fact that one is a person of value and worth in one’s own right, not only as part of a couple. Divorce is much more than the legal piece of paper. It is predominately a psychological process of self-renewal.

In a marriage, couples have shared the deepest part of themselves with each other, traversed the joy and adversities of life together, and loved one another before the love died. It should come as no surprise that ending this set of experiences can be temporarily destabilizing. Often, people only discover the enormous extent to which marriage has defined their personal identity when they are confronted with being on their own.

As a no-longer or soon-to-be unmarried person, the time has come to grow up and take responsibility for one’s life. It means confronting one’s dependencies and fears. The newly divorced must give up blaming the former spouse for their lot in life. It takes enormous courage to admit that what was wrong with the marriage was, at least in part, also wrong with themselves.

When they were a married couple, there was a kind of fusion that took place in the relationship, i.e. the model of “togetherness”, that together the two will be whole, prevailed. The focus was on the “we”. However, from the perspective of the newly divorced or divorcing, the fusion model is no longer applicable. It must be replaced with a model that requires each person to take on responsibility for their own well being. One plus one no longer equals one (“we”). It equals three — two separate beings (“I”) whose relationship forms a third entity, requiring them to stretch beyond themselves for the sake of redefining their post-divorce partnership.

The Need for a Constructive Mode of Resolving Conflict and Developing Independence

Constructive modes of resolving conflict are thus necessary to assist the couple to think of their relationship in new ways, to feel differently about each other, and to act differently toward one another without jeopardizing their own sense of identity.

The act of balancing one’s obligations to one’s spouse as well as and the obligations to oneself during a Collaborative Divorce process is admittedly difficult. Being stranded between the worlds of togetherness and separateness, sometimes acting as friends and sometimes strangers, brings nothing but confusion to the individuals involved.

Divorcing couples face competing needs to simultaneously establish themselves as independent of each other and work collaboratively, as a team, throughout the divorce process. They must work through strong feelings of anger, frustration, and fear, all of which will inevitably result in interpersonal conflict. If not managed properly, the couple’s capacity to work cooperatively toward post-divorce resolutions for themselves and their children will be diminished.

Each spouse leaves the marriage with his or her own version of what went wrong. Sins of omission — failure to communicate, failure to contribute one’s share, failure to be affectionate and supportive — are cataloged and hurled in the other’s direction. Divorcing couples attack each other mercilessly, deny their own responsibility for the failure of the marriage, heap blame on the other, and then use all their ammunition to argue that the “guilty” party must assume a disproportionate share of the burden.

To the individual, these emotions are very real and therefore must be acknowledged. They cannot be dismissed. Nor, however, can they be mismanaged. If they are negated or not appropriately addressed, the collaborative process will fail.

When people feel unfairly judged or falsely blamed, their own identity and self-esteem are challenged. They feel victimized and shift their focus to saving face and refusing to accept blame. Communication then shifts away from the actual issues in conflict to the secondary issue of how others will see them in this process. They need to be seen, both to themselves and the world, as a certain kind of person. (“It wasn’t me who was not a loving partner. I treated you well. It was you who withdrew affection.”)

Saving face is very closely linked to defensiveness. Defensiveness is simply a way of protecting one’s self-image from those who are challenging that image. Simply put, defensiveness is behavior to protect oneself from a perceived threat or attack. When one spouse makes a judgmental statement toward the other, it will threaten their spouse’s self-perception. If the two perceptions are incongruent, the defensive person may be inclined to justify, deny or attack.

When spouses become defensive, they often will respond in one of two unproductive ways: passively, by shutting down or withdrawing, or aggressively, by verbally attacking, judging, or blaming their spouse. From a communication perspective, defensiveness results from how people talk to each other. Those on the defensive often feel confused and profoundly misunderstood. They cannot empathize with or understand another point of view that differs from theirs and are often unwilling to take in new information.

Defensive behavior from either party hampers communication, preventing productive dialog and better understanding from taking place. These behaviors need to be addressed so that communication can be refocused.

Constructive Modes of Resolving Conflict

By shifting communication to a more constructive mode, greater understanding and successful conflict resolution are more likely to occur.

The following list describes some intervention strategies that a collaborative professional may use to address defensiveness so that understanding and productive communication between the couple can be restored:

1. Help each person to acknowledge or empathize with the defensive spouse’s point of view with the intention of helping them feel heard.

2. Refocus the discussion to a less conflicted topic.

3. Point out the defensive behavior as soon as it happens.

4. Balance the power between the spouses.

5. Describe the process as the professional sees behaviors happen.

6. Probe to clarify what motivates the defensiveness.

7. Help the couple to recognize and understand their own emotions as well as their spouses’.

8. Encourage the couple to talk about their feelings so they can be dealt with directly.

9. Remind the couple that all feelings should be expressed in a non-confrontational way.

10. Help each person to acknowledge the other’s feelings as legitimate. Although they may feel differently about a situation, both sets of feelings are real. Denying either spouse’s feelings is likely to intensify those feelings. Encouraging feelings to be expressed allows the couple to return to the substantive issues in dispute so that they can be resolved.

Conclusions

The collaborative model requires that the divorcing spouses work toward a resolution that meets both sets of needs. It means reframing their relationship so that despite the conflicts that may exist between them, they function as mutually respectful working partners, not adversaries.

In order for this to occur, the divorcing individuals must acknowledge the paradox that calls for them to be unified in a new partnership while simultaneously moving forward toward a greater separateness between them. Each needs to take responsibility for his or her own well being while still being responsive to the other. Developing an ability to assert their own feelings and needs while maintaining a genuine caring for their soon-to-be former spouse is a difficult challenge, but one that must be met.

For the collaborative model to work effectively, individuals must replace the need for confirmation from a spouse with the ability to accept differences. Where there was once sameness, now there is otherness — a difficult adjustment for most people to make. The successful divorcing couple will develop the ability to take responsibility for themselves and the courage to validate the reality of the other.

When conflict and defensiveness arise between the couple and interfere with collaborative functioning, various interventions can be used to help the couple learn to more directly assert themselves and clear the way for caring attention to the other. The collaborative professional will guide couples through the process and help them learn to assert themselves individually while still maintaining a caring attention to the other.

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From the Author

During the throes of coming to grips with my own divorce and reinventing myself, I fell down countless times. Each time that I found the courage to get up, I gained wisdom that propelled me forward. In addition, I spent numerous hours researching the literature on divorce, and in so doing, I developed a solid grasp of the psychology of the separation process. I’m savvy about what a person has to go through to make it to the other side; that’s how I successfully help other people transition today.

Now I run a nationwide phone-counseling service for divorce recovery. With three decades of private psychotherapy experience, my divorce counseling has helped hundreds of people face their challenges and build successful lives. My practice has been profiled in The Washington Post and Harper’s Bazaar as well as on TV and radio.

With my training in mediation and Collaborative Divorce as well as psychology, I use an interdisciplinary approach. Attorneys and therapists have the same helping goal, but they speak different languages. Divorce lawyers can be aggressive, but clients’ aggression may cause poor legal judgment. I move between legal and psychological perspectives to make them more compatible.

It is my goal to make certain that you avoid some of the pitfalls and danger signals that I overlooked with my former personal confusion. Indeed, it is precisely because of my personal pain and my professional knowledge that I am confident I can help you face your fears and become a more self-determining person.

You can visit Dr. Deborah Hecker on the web at http://www.drdeborahhecker.com/ or by phone at 1.888.777.3585.

Divorce is one of the most life-altering and difficult experiences a person can go through.  With roughly 50% of all marriages in the United States ending in divorce, there are millions affected by this life changing event.  Dating after divorce can be a difficult endeavor for those involved, but it is not impossible.  There are some guidelines people should consider before dating after divorce, and what follows is a brief list of some of things to consider.

1.) Give it Time

Has enough time passed for you to feel good about dating and relationships?  Many people jump straight from one failed relationship to another to avoid a sense of loneliness and lack of companionship.  If you haven’t had enough time to heal, you are doing yourself and the person you are dating a great disservice.  Perhaps you are ready, but even if you are you should do your best to take your time and let things develop slowly.

2.) Be Honest in Your Relationships

Honesty is extremely important in relationships, both with yourself and your partner.  Make sure you understand and are honest with yourself about what went wrong the last time around.  Opening the lines of communication can help to bring things out in the open and eliminate barriers to your future happiness.

3.) Don’t Lose Your Individuality

Co-dependency can really harm a relationship, especially in its fledgling state.  Be sure to do things that you enjoy doing and maintain your friendships.  Oftentimes, people start dating someone and begin to lose touch with their personal network of close friends.  Later on this can lead to feelings of resentment and sacrifice that can harm your relationship.  Be sure to maintain your own identity and stay true to who you are.

4.) Seek Balance

All relationships involve compromise, which means you won’t always be able to get what you want.  There is a difference between being an individual and being selfish.  Balance your time with work, friends, and your new significant other and give everyone the attention they deserve so no one feels left out or put on a pedestal.

5.) Set Boundaries

This is especially important when starting the dating process.  You need to let the person you are dating know where you stand on certain issues.  If you have children, perhaps you don’t want to introduce them to the new person in your life until you are ready.  Children may have a tough time dealing with a new person in their parent’s life and these kinds of issues need to be discussed before they come up.

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About the Author of This Article
This post was contributed by Kelly Kilpatrick, who writes on the subject of corrections officers. She invites your feedback at kellykilpatrick24@gmail.com.

When parents divorce, each member of the family is affected in very unique and personal ways. The age of the child, their gender, their relationship with their siblings, how close they were to each parent and a myriad of other factors all influence the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual repercussions in the months and years ahead.

There re many others whose lives are forever changed by the complexities of divorce. Frequently overlooked and often tragically scarred are the grandparents. Custody issues are hard enough for parents to battle out. Few take into account the consequences for grandparents whose unconditional love for their grandchildren is such a healthy and rewarding part of normal family life.

Once again this is a time for clear thinking on behalf of your children. Should they be deprived of the warmth, intimacy and loving support of grandparents just because you are angry at your former spouse? When you take out your marital frustrations on your in-laws — your children’s grandparents — it’s your children who will suffer.

Grandparents have a special place in the lives and hearts of their grandchildren. Usually they are the ones to spoil the kids, indulge them, take them off your hands when no one else can come to the rescue. Of course, not all grandparents fit the idyllic stereotype, nor are all grandparents emotionally close to their grandchildren. But if your in-laws have a healthy relationship with your children, think long and hard before severing that chord.

A child-centered divorce honors and respects all the adults and children that play a part in your children’s lives. One of the primary factors in easing your children through the challenges of separation or divorce is maintaining their lives as closely as possible to their pre-divorce routines. The less disruption in their schedules, day-to-day and month-to-month activities, the easier will be their transition through divorce and beyond.

Spending time with grandma and grandpa, whether every Sunday, once a month or once a year over Christmas or summer vacation, is a routine that means life is going on with some semblance of safety, security and ease. Consider the consequences before interrupting or sabotaging that relationship. Don’t deny your children the support system they have come to love and depend upon out of spite, resentment or any other motive not of relevance to your children.

Divorce is tough all around. It behooves you to do the right thing every step of the way. Seek out professional guidance if you need help regarding decisions affecting your children. Let those decisions be motivated by your love for your children – not by your resentment against those who love your children, as well.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide™ to Preparing Your Children — with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com

We all do it from time to time. Make a sarcastic comment about our ex, criticize something they did or didn’t do, gesture or grimace our faces when referring to our former spouse. When we do it in front of, near or within hearing distance of our children, we set ourselves up for a hornet’s nest of problems.

We have all heard this, but it’s easy to forget or let slide. It hurts our children when they hear one of their parents put down the other. This is so even if your child does not say anything about it. With rare exceptions, children innately feel they are part of both parents. They love them both even when that love isn’t returned to them in the same way.

When you put down their other parent your children are likely to interpret it as a put-down of part of them. When both parents are guilty of this behavior, it can create a sense of unworthiness and low self-esteem. “Something’s wrong with me” becomes the child’s unconscious belief.

I know it’s challenging some times not to criticize your ex, especially when you feel totally justified in doing so. Find a friend or therapist to vent to. Don’t do it around your children. And, whenever possible, find some good things to say about their other parent – or hold your tongue.
 
The lesson here is simple. Destructive comments about your ex can impact your children in many negative ways. It creates anxiety and insecurity. It raises their level of fear. It makes them question how much they can trust you and your opinions – or trust themselves. And it adds a level of unhappiness into their lives that they do not need … or deserve!

When you have a problem with your ex, take it directly to them – and not to or through the children. Don’t exploit a difficult relationship, or difference of opinion with your ex, by editorializing about him or her to the kids. It’s easy to slip – especially when your frustration level is mounting.

Listen to and monitor your comments to the children about their other parent.

• Are you hearing yourself say: “Sounds like you picked that up from your Dad/Mom.”

• Do you make a negative retort about their behavior and end it with “just like your father/mother.”

• Do you frequently compare your ex with other divorced parents you know making sure the kids get the negative judgment?

• Do you counter every positive comment your child makes about your ex with, “Yeah, but …” and finish it with a downer?

• Do you make your children feel guilty for having had fun visiting the other parent or liking something in their home?

• Do you throw around biting statements like “If Mom/Dad really loved you …”

• Do you try to frighten or intimidate your kids during a disagreement by saying “If you don’t like it here, then go live with your Mom/Dad?

It’s easy to fall into these behavior patterns – and they can effectively manipulate your children’s behavior – for the short-term. But in the long run you will be slowly eroding your personal relationship with the children you love and alienating their affection. This will bite you back in the years to come, especially as your children move into and through their teens.

As a parent you want to raise children with a healthy sense of self-worth. You want children who are trusting and trust-worthy, who are open to creating loving relationships in their lives. It’s not divorce per se that emotionally scars children. It’s how you, as a parent, model your behavior before, during and after your divorce. If you model maturity, dignity and integrity whenever challenges occur, that’s what your children will see and the path they will take in their own relationships. You can’t make life choices for them, but you sure can influence their choices and perceptions about the world when they are young and vulnerable!

Minding your tongue around your children can be one of the most difficult behaviors to master after a divorce. It is also one of the behaviors that will reap the greatest rewards in the well-being of your family. Don’t let anger, bitterness and indiscriminate remarks affect and harm your children. Keep a “conscious” diligence on your commentary and your ex is more likely to follow suit, as well. If he or she doesn’t, your kids will naturally pick up on the different energy and gravitate toward the parent taking the high road. Ultimately that parent will win their respect and admiration. Shouldn’t that be you?

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About the writer of this blog post

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources  on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

 Talking to your children about your divorce may be one of the most difficult conversations you ever have. How do you talk to your children about an event that will turn their world upside down? How do you assure your children that you will both always love them even though you no longer love each other. How do you answer all their questions about how life will change when you don’t have all the answers yourself?

Award-winning professional speaker and writer Rosalind Sedacca has written an excellent book that provides a helpful, child-centered guide to parents about to have this important discussion with their children. We are among many divorce professionals who highly recommend Sedacca’s How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!  An outgrowth of Sedacca’s own divorce experience with her now-grown son, the book is filled with expert tips and insights for parents who want to help their children weather this life-changing event successfully.

Like collaborative divorce, Sedacca emphasizes a child-centered approach to divorce. Collaborative divorce maintains the strength and importance of the parent-child relationship during divorce. It encourages the development of positive communication skills between parents which allows both parents to continue interacting with and supporting their children throughout and after the divorce while building their own new lives. 

No one plans to get divorced. But more than one million children in the U.S. will experience its affects this year alone. Divorce has become a reality in our culture and innocent children are coping with the consequences every day.

The good news is that divorce need not wound and scar your children if you put their emotional and psychological needs first when making crucial decisions. It’s misguided parents – angry, resentful, hurt and mistrusting – who unintentionally set their children up for painful outcomes. These parents don’t understand that every decision they make regarding their divorce will effect the well-being of their children in countless ways. The emotional scars are not only harder to see, they’re also much harder to erase.

Here are five keys to helping your children move through and thrive after divorce.

1) Remind them this is not their fault.

Children tend to blame themselves for divorce, no matter how bad Mom and Dad’s relationship has been. The younger the child, the more likely this is so. Sit down together and talk to your children, emphasizing that they are in no way at fault. You can say something like: “Mom and Dad don’t agree about certain key issues and that has created conflict. Even when some of the issues are about you, it does not mean you are to blame. You are an innocent child who we both love. Sadly, Mom and Dad disagree about certain important issues — but not about our love for you. You are not in any way at fault.”

2) Focus on change — not on blame.

Divorce is all about change within the family structure. Often those changes can be beneficial and create a more peaceful environment for your children. Never burden them with adult information and judgments. Focus instead on the fact that change is an inevitable part of life and not necessarily bad. Let your children see that everything in life keeps changing. “You grow bigger every year. Seasons change, clothing styles change, your school classes change. Sometimes it takes a while to get used to changes, like when you get a new teacher or try a new sport. In time you may come to like these new changes. Let’s give it a try.”
3) Respect your child’s other parent.

When you belittle, put down or in any way disrespect your ex – regardless how justified it may feel – it hurts your children in deep and long-lasting ways. Children innately love both their parents and feel a connection to them. When you insult their other parent it creates confusion, guilt, sadness, insecurity and low self-esteem in your children. Instead, remind them that Mom and Dad will always be their parents and will always love them. No one will replace Mom or Dad either. “We will both always love you and be there for you, no matter where we live or how things should change.” Then strive to do the right thing on their behalf.

4) Let your children continue to be children.

While it may sometimes be tempting, never confide adult content to your children. They are not psychologically prepared to handle the emotional complexity. Save venting for trusted friends, a divorce counselor or support group.  Also never ask your children to spy, act as messengers between both parents or provide inappropriate details about the other parent’s home life. Again, this pressure’s them in many ways – none of which are positive. It is not their place to assume adult responsibilities or help you to find evidence against your ex.
5) Make decisions through the eyes of your child.

Before making any decisions regarding divorce issues, think about the consequences for your children. Ask yourself, what will they say to me about this when they are grown adults? Will they thank me for the way I handled the divorce – or be angry and resentful about my attitude and behavior? The choices you make will affect your children for years and decades to come. For their sake, take the high road and be a role model they will want to emulate.

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About the Author of this blog post:

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!  Her innovative approach guides parents in creating a personal family storybook, using fill-in-the-blank templates, family history and photos, as an effective way to break the news with optimum results. For more information, free articles, free ezine and other valuable resources visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.