No matter how bad things may seem, someone always has it worse. During child custody and visitation disputes it is especially helpful to put things into perspective. Too often in the busy and self-absorbed lifestyles of our times, we fail to slow down, to reflect and to appreciate. Occasionally, it is healthy to stop, look and listen.
Unfortunately, it often takes something like an earthquake, tornado or tsunami to connect us with our compassionate inner self. Ironically, and somewhat paradoxically, the causalities of war and the killing of innocent people often have the same effect. However, when someone that you know personally suffers a tragedy or a loss it may likely be an opportune time for you to reconnect with your inner-self and your spiritual compass.
When going through separation and divorce it is easy to feel sorry for yourself and to cloud the future by living in the past, blaming yourself, and otherwise feeling a sense of loss and ingratitude. During these times of despair, however, it is more important than ever to be a genuine and giving person and to keep your eyes and ears open for signs to learn about and appreciate the gifts that have been bestowed upon you.
The world has become too busy of a place in many respects. All too often, it is a major accomplishment for a family to sit together at the dinner table for a meal, or to simply enjoy conversation in the fellowship of family. During the separation and divorce process, it is extremely important to take a “time out” and “smell the roses.” You need to take time to develop and appreciate the intangibles of life. It helps – immensely.
I share the following personal reflections with you to give you pause to think, to reflect, and to regroup. It was mid May in 1996, when John E. Larkin, III, of Catonsville, Maryland, succumbed to a long and gallant fight with cancer. John was only thirty-two years young when he died. John and I went to St. Mark School together and later to Mount Saint Joseph High School. John was one of the most likable people you could imagine. He had a heart of gold. At the time of his death, John was married and had three young children; the youngest was still a toddler.
After he was diagnosed with cancer, and shortly after the doctors removed his right eye, John came to see me to draft his last will and testament. I was unaware of John’s illness when he first appeared in the waiting room. When John told me of his situation, although visibly nervous, he was in good spirits and as pleasant as I had remembered him at our high school graduation. When John left that day, I felt ashamed of myself. Before John came in for my legal guidance, I thought that I was having a “bad day.” Perspectives.
About two years later, I was in church with my young son, when things were, I thought, “pretty bad.” in my life. “Poor me, this custody battle really sucks,” I was thinking. “God give me strength,” I murmured. Just then, I looked ahead and saw John. I had heard that after a virtual miracle of remission, John was now in really bad shape and that he had come to the realization that he was likely going to die very soon. Throughout the mass, this wonderful and now frail-looking man was holding his youngest son over his shoulder. While bobbing his little head among the worshipers between us, the little guy seemed to look directly at me with deliberate intensity. My eyes filled as I gave thanks. I said a prayer for John and his baby boy and I stopped complaining about my situation. That day, I could only imagine what it must have been like for John; knowing that he would never live long enough for his son to truly grow to know him, and vice-versa. My “problems” now seemed minuscule.
A few months later, at the packed funeral service, John’s young widow explained how two and a half years prior, her life took a turn she never expected. She found strength in her love for John and for the Lord and believed that she would never have made it without the constant support from family and friends.
Katie Larkin wrote a beautiful tribute for her husband’s funeral service: “A celebration of his life and love – “Close Enough to Perfect.” She professed that John carried his cross with courage and dignity and his faith and love for God never wavered. Not once during his family’s very trying time did anyone ever hear him complain or ask, “Why me?” Right up to the end John maintained his good nature and sense of humor; always trying to put the people around him at ease. Now, as I write about John’s death more than a decade later, even people who hardly knew John, still speak of his strength and courage.
There is no doubt that you, too, know of people who have made a lasting impression because of hardships they have endured with dignity and grace, being an inspiration to others. By the time we leave our years of minority and become young adults, homeowners, husbands, wives and parents, we will have undoubtedly witnessed someone we know who has lost a family member, a friend, or school mates and acquaintances from “back in the day.” We may have already personally experienced one or more of such events first hand. Perhaps someone we know will become severely injured, blinded, crippled or worse. Every now and then, someone or some event will cause us to stop and think. John was one of those people.
Tips:
• Be on the look out for any opportunities that can give you pause to think, to reflect and to regroup.
• Count your blessings and give thanks.
• Things are not as bad as they may seem when you keep life in perspective.
• A Bible in the hand is worth two on the shelf.
It is a time to dig deep. You will find what you are made of if the motivation is strong enough. The love between parent and child can indeed be one of the most powerful human motivators. Most people would do anything for their children. You are stronger than you think. No matter how bad it seems, you need to focus on what you have – the gifts that have been bestowed upon you and how lucky that you are to even have a child. Stop and think about the people who long to have children but, due to medical or other reasons, cannot. Imagine the feelings of the parents who have had the traumatic experience of burying a child. Regardless of one’s religious affiliation(s), belief or non-belief in God, or any Supreme being, regardless of one’s thoughts on the theory of evolution and of the spiritual world, the birth of a child is nothing short of a miracle. A new born child is the ultimate gift to be nurtured, cared for, and cherished.
If you focus on what is most important today, in the years ahead, you will be able to look back and remember the special moments that you had with your children during all the chaos. What is most important is the quality of the relationship with your children and spending as much time with them as possible. Make the most of all the time you share with your children. When times are tough, count your blessings and give thanks. It is a stop that you may need to take on the path to Big Rock. I did.
When you arise in the morning, give thanks for the morning light, for your life and strength; give thanks for your life and the joy of living. If you see no reason for giving thanks, the fault lies within yourself.
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