Divorce Without Dishonor

Last time we talked about Ghost Dads, fathers who fade away after divorce (see our Feb. 4 post). In most cases fathers who stop seeing their children do so for their own emotional health and self preservation, but in doing so they place a damaging burden on their children. A friend of mine raised three girls without the involvement or support of their father. Now grown women, they continue to have self doubts and relationship issues that stem from the absence of their father as they were growing up. The following is a portion of a letter one of them recently wrote to her dad. She is now 24.

“Why don’t you ever write to me? I’ve written you letters, sent emails and birthday cards, but you never write back. Don’t you love me? Don’t you care about me? I am your daughter but I feel abandoned. Am I that unlovable? I want to get to know you again but you seem to have closed your heart. Please write back otherwise I don’t think I can keep trying. It’s just too hard.” 

The children who heal fastest from divorce are those who enjoy the love, support and involvement of both parents. As a father, it’s essential that you remain part of your children’s daily lives during and after divorce. You need to be in the crowd cheering at soccer and Little League games. You need to be in the audience at dance recitals and school programs. You need to attend parent-teacher conferences. You need to help with homework, comfort your child when they’re sick, go out for ice cream, play catch at the park — all the things you did when you lived together as a family. It’s the way you show your kids that you love them and that you’ll always be there for them.

There’s an interesting article on DadsDivorce.com entitled The Ghost Dad Phenomenon written by Sarah Hampson of The Globe and Mail (click the link to read the article). It talks about the dads who disappear after divorce. They continue to send child support, but they’re physically absent from their children’s lives. They become “ghosts” to their children. As the years go by they become a hazily remembered presence imbued with equal parts of love, anger and confusion; but for their children the ache of their loss never goes away.

The big question is why? Sure there are abusive fathers and irresponsible fathers whose children are probably better off without them. But why do fathers who love their children disappear? If they love their children, how can they hurt them by abandoning them?

As a divorced dad explains in the article, “It’s about shame.” “In the world of masculinity,” writes Ms. Hampson, “you’re either a winner or a loser … It’s black and white. Divorce is seen as failure, ergo you’re a loser. Who wants to be reminded of that?”

Post-divorce conflicts over child support, parenting and visitation, coupled with spousal criticism, dating, remarriage or job relocation can strain a father’s relationship with his family to the breaking point.

“A man feels sadness,” explains Calvin Sandborn, author of Becoming the Kind Father.  ”But on some level he thinks, ‘I’m not supposed to feel sadness,’ so the way men react is to blame the person who is making them feel sad. They get angry. There’s an adrenalin rush. And that makes them feel powerful again.”

Many fathers who feel increasing anger at their marginalization in their children’s lives respond by leaving. Ill-equipped to deal with their emotions and unable to express them, they choose to avoid them. The pain of being repeatedly reminded of what they have lost, drives them away. They push away from the pain and anger caused by a situation they cannot control and in the process abandon the children they love.

Next time: A child’s response.

Dads often feel they get the short end of the stick in divorce — particularly where their children are concerned. While courts today are more apt to award joint custody and protect the father’s parental rights, often majority physical custody is still awarded to the mother. The reality is that fathers usually have to fight for their right to see and spend time with their children. The website DadsDivorce.com provides excellent resources and support for fathers both during and after divorce.

Dads Divorce understands how difficult it is to keep that all-important connection with your children, especially if you’re not living together. They understand the special difficulties fathers face during and after divorce. On DadsDivorce.com, you’ll find helpful articles on parenting, dealing with your ex and father-child relations.

Discussion forums allow you to find get and share advice with other dads. On the “Ask a Lawyer” Q&A page, you can browse frequently asked questions or pose your own. You’ll also find excellent resources, divorce guides, support calculators, probability calculators, custody statues and helpful news articles on the website. Tune in to the weekly podcast at 6:30 p.m. (central) every Wednesday. The show answers call-in and emailed questions. If you’re a divorced dad or a dad still struggling through the process, you’ll find a lot of much needed help and support on DadsDivorce.com.

Do you know the difference between a beautiful woman and a charming one? A beauty is a woman you notice; a charmer is one who notices you. — Adlai Stevenson