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Last time we talked about Ghost Dads, fathers who fade away after divorce (see our Feb. 4 post). In most cases fathers who stop seeing their children do so for their own emotional health and self preservation, but in doing so they place a damaging burden on their children. A friend of mine raised three girls without the involvement or support of their father. Now grown women, they continue to have self doubts and relationship issues that stem from the absence of their father as they were growing up. The following is a portion of a letter one of them recently wrote to her dad. She is now 24.
“Why don’t you ever write to me? I’ve written you letters, sent emails and birthday cards, but you never write back. Don’t you love me? Don’t you care about me? I am your daughter but I feel abandoned. Am I that unlovable? I want to get to know you again but you seem to have closed your heart. Please write back otherwise I don’t think I can keep trying. It’s just too hard.”
The children who heal fastest from divorce are those who enjoy the love, support and involvement of both parents. As a father, it’s essential that you remain part of your children’s daily lives during and after divorce. You need to be in the crowd cheering at soccer and Little League games. You need to be in the audience at dance recitals and school programs. You need to attend parent-teacher conferences. You need to help with homework, comfort your child when they’re sick, go out for ice cream, play catch at the park — all the things you did when you lived together as a family. It’s the way you show your kids that you love them and that you’ll always be there for them.
I was married to a man who left his kids in every county. He went to alot of trouble to hide this from me. When I met him he was in a paternity suit. My lawyer handled this. I had my doubts about this guy then. Should have listened to that warning. He bad mouths women. He took off and left our son. He lies to about and against others. The whole thing was a terrible mess. He did not seem to understand how our son felt. He whined and cried about access and then would turn around and use it for himself. Finally he came in and dumped his visitation and custody. I was furious. He was just jerking everyone around including our son. He had kids after that he dumped. What the heck is wrong with this guy. His mother is a narcistic liar. He appears to be like her. My son has been with me the last 10 years. The DA was after him for 5 child support cases. His mother blames all his wives for his problems. It seems like he is stuck on his mother. I really feel sorry for my son. We did everything we could. It looks like this guy lies about women so he can play the phoney victim. This appears to get him alot of things and his mother seems to encorage it. The court would not allow anyone to pick up our son except him. When he found that out he ditched our son. He also meddles in others marriages. He took off with someone else and the husband was furious. He then turned around and took off with another guy’s wife in another town. He bailed out on her. It seems like this person has littleor no respect for others homes. He seems to think this is all funny. I think he is mentally ill. How come he doesn’t see all the damage he is doing to these children. I did notice something, he does not want anyone to see it’s him that is doing this, he seems to want to blame women to please his mother. This is bizarre.
Did you notice how hard it was for the child to keep writing? You want to know what is it like to be a DAD? Give birth to your baby, and get a court order that you have to give it away the next day. Oh, you get to VISIT, but I am gonna be sure it is a hassle. Wait, it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to pay for this kid, that you are not going to raise. Feeling good now?
My wife was entirely aware of the consequences for our 4 year old dughter who I am devoted to when she divorced. You have no idea how difficult women make it for men to see their children. It is a sexist disposition to assume that fathers are not important.
I did not want a divorce and I miss my little princess very much. I have got to see her 10 days in the last five months and spent about 5000$ that I don’t have to do so.
I have no doubt that when my daughter is older my wife will make her feel that it is I who abandoned the family. The level of lying from women who have affairs and choose divorce is astounding.
By the time she is a teenager I fully expect to be labeled as an abuser who my wife ‘fled’ from.
She fled from me to a hotel room with another man but I doubt my daughter will ever be allowed to know the truth or how badly I miss reading her bedtime story or wanted to be a part of her life as she grew up.
This is an example of cheating self righteous women destroying their childrens lives with win fidelity and divorce and then avoiding blame.
The vast majority of divorces are initiated by women. They don’t give a damm whether their children get to see their fathers and because it is awkward for them they deliberately make any real parenting as hard as possible.
Ask your mother for the truth.
Iam a mother of five children and I have been raising them on my own I attend school full time and I work full time as well I read this add and I could not believe how men can do this to children. It really touched my heart when I read this….
Dads usually have NO SOCIAL SKILLS to deal with their own flesh and blood children.
There’s nothing wrong with the child or children at all.
I heal fast from a divorce and I have ONE MOTHER. I have the support and involvement with my family, relatives and friends–my wonderful social circle.
It’s funny reading this message and the comments together. As a daughter of divorced parents I was almost “forced” to pick a side.
No matter who I picked it was wrong. My father was painted as a bastard, my mother a saint – or reverse my mother a lune, my dad an angel.
Either way those labels are incorrect. My mother was my mother, my father was my father.
They both made mistakes, both shared their love with me but most of all where both my parents.
As a child I have to say custody battles are horribly unfair and unbalanced.
To the mothers above – please understand that “saint” role you are playing is a lie. Your kids can see it and any unbiased onlooker can also. One doesn’t not need to play the sympathy card all the time. Yes divorce is hard – its about parents (or two adults) unable to deal with each other – children DO get caught in it – but believing it was just the mans fault for the divorce and not seeing his children is just lying to yourself. Do you know how HARD it is for a man to see his children? The courts almost always favor the mother. It was VERY hard to see my dad – even after I went to college and began living on my own! The stigma that “daddy was the reason” is something I had to research and learn was just not true! “mommy helped also!”.
To the ‘fathers’ I really do sympathize, not only do you have to fight hard to see your children but you are working against a broken system built in my opinion to belittle the role of the father in today’s household.
Fathers are looked at as just a child support check – who’s worth is based on his monthly payment. But wait – that’s not enough! Lets also tack on hardship with his children! With that said it is no excuse to just settle, keep trying if enough fathers say “enough is enough!” hopefully one day our courts will put fair rights to both fit parents into place in regards to children.
To continue – People are spiteful during and yes for many years after a divorce. People seeking control over another person can only go through two ventures – money and children. It is a very sad age we live in when people actually do that.
To the child who wrote this, I know not every parent will be involved in their child’s life. The are kids out their who’s parents are not divorced and still do not actively participate. I wish I could tell you to keep trying and you can build that relationship you always wanted, but I do not know your history enough to do so. What I can tell you is that I love my mother and I love my father. Yes I do not see my dad as much as nor my mother now that I am grown. BUT I feel the divorce has made me stronger – I know what real love is – not a fake show put on “for the children” and because of that I will never just settle on who I choose for my partner. I learned my mother and father both show their love in different ways, my mother holds me when I cry and talks to me to help me express my feelings. My father drinks hot tea with me and discusses my future and shares his wealth of knowledge on business and college with me.
Saying – as I quote:
Marina Said: July 14th, 2008 at 1:54 am
“Dads usually have NO SOCIAL SKILLS to deal with their own flesh and blood children.”
This statement is stereotypical and breeds biased opinions on the role and actions of all fathers. I’m not saying every father is great – nor is every mother, but saying fathers in general do not have any social skills with their children is an out right lie. Men express feeling differently than women, I’ve noticed women tend to hover and coddle children while men tend to let their children fall and teach them how to stand on their own feet again. Both methods are very fine – BUT you need both for them to work. My mother nurtured me in my early years but as I matured my dad taught me personal responsibility. In the end I hope for the best in your relationship with your father *hugs*.
Finally to the comments – I also wish you well in your futures. Please understand to keep an open mind for both sides of the situations you all my face. For we all all human, we all make mistakes and that is what life is all about. It is how we handle those curves in life that shapes our being – will you fight, ride it out or blame it on someone else? either way it is your own actions – not the actions of a single defined group that make up who you are.
Take personal responsibility and think next time you wish to say something bad about someone else, “what will my child think about the person I’m talking about? – then again what will they think about me?”
- from a daughter
Let me just point out that all generalizations are inherently false! We all have our own personal narrative and perspective with which we see the events of our lives. Every story is unique. No one is ever blameless except the children. That being said; to use the excuse (and yes, it is an excuse NOT a reason!) that it’s hard to see your children is absurd. It’s hard to clean up puke at 3 a.m., it’s hard to watch Nemo 14 times straight and eat leftover chicken nuggets, but I don’t care who you are (or what gender you are) IT IS NOT HARD TO SEE YOUR KIDS! For some ungodly reason there are just some people who are so disfunctional, selfish, or just plain screwed up that they can go months/years without seeing their children – that is a fact acept it & move ON! It’s not about your impression of your ex anyway…remember kiddos have long memories, especially of the events/people that hurt them, & what someone sows they shall reap. A forgotten child will not give a rats a** about that parent later in life when all of a sudden they want to step in and become super parent. Personnally I believe there must be a special place in HELL for parents who abandon their children…hope they rot in it!
sorry im not divorced iv never been married, lucky me. im just telling o=people i told my very ex i was pregnant 10 yrs ago, his reply “can we just be friends” so iv brought MY son up for that long,just want to know if anything happens to me what happens to my son?
Okay, here is my opinion. Most “Child” support is stealing, plain and simple. If a man abandons his family and initiates a divorce without cause, then he is morally obligated to support his child, but not necessarily through monthly payments to the child’s mother, or worse still, to the government. He is obligated to support his child by being the child’s father. Who would have guessed that? But in most cases he is not allowed to even see his child. When a women divorces without cause she is automatically encouraged to steal her children and sell them back to their father one month at a time. The quality of the father-child relationship is forevermore determined at the discretion of a vindictive child-snatcher. This is a new kind of terrorism. The women and agencies involved in this reprehensible system will be remembered as we now remember slave traders and slave owners. You see, slavery used to be fine with everyone, and with laws to expand it’s reach deep into society. So what does it profit a man to become a father in America today. Not much if you ask me, not when his sons and daughters can be removed by force of law when his only crime is to be married, with children. “Child” support is stealing, money, time, memories, hopes and dreams. But laws are changing as young women find it increasingly difficult to find a man willing and crazy enough to take “the plunge”.
I agree with only one statement from “Robert” that a father shouldn’t necessarily have to PAY to give support to his child.
HOWEVER, statistics show that, per capita income of mothers raising children after a divorce DROPS by 21% while father’s incomes
stay relatively the same. Therefore, how do you expect a mother to support her children financially, if in a single parent household, when her income drops that significantly? Hey, I’m not saying that all single mothers are the greatest, but fathers who abandon their kids intentionally are scum. It is up to those loving fathers who actually want more time with their kids to seek it out! (agreeing with “Kay”) It’s really not that hard.
I understand that there are some ‘crazy’ women who “steal” their kids away from potentially loving fathers and demand money to “sell” their children off like “slaves”…but COME ON! Those women are few and far between when you really look at these situations. Robert, if you’ve been in that situation, I’m truely sorry…but, keep hope and keep trying to contact your children as often and as regularly as possible!! Like many have said, there are certainly different circumstances & I come from one.
I have not seen my father for almost 10 years now. I am an only child (not counting the children from his 2nd marriage & other relationships) & have a single mother who never remarried. I’ve seen her struggle through my 20 years with only a small amount of financial support from my father (which of course stopped on my 18th birthday).
I literally can count the times I’ve seen my father on ONE hand. I’m not completely blaming him, of course. My mother admitted long ago that she was (without just reason, I believe) afraid he was going to somehow kidnap me & she’d never see me again. Obviously, that never happened, but her fear kept him away a little bit more that she should have let. However, every time he wanted to see me, she let him…even if I was the one who didn’t want to see him. Though my father lives on the other side of the country with his “happy” family, he has literally never called, only e-mails around Father’s day and my birthday, and sends cards/letters on major Hallmark holidays. That’s not parenting, people! It’s more like semi-friendly correspondence! My view on parenting is that it’s got to be active as well as consistent. Even if you’re on the other side of the world, away from your children, you can NOT let them grow up without
a father in their lives. I know for a fact my relationships with men, so far, have suffered and I believe that my anger towards my father for not at least taking an active & constant role (SOME HOW!) in my life has affected those relationships.
My advice to children of these “absent” fathers: don’t hold on to the idea of him. If he truely does not want to REALLY be in your life, you can’t dwell on that fact forever.
TO those absent fathers: fight! & find a way, ANY WAY! to see your kids & get to know them. They really do grow up too quickly and you don’t know if they will want you in their lives after they’ve grown up.
Finally, to the mothers: don’t let the “norm” of the woman who “sells” her kids off to the father “once a month” actually come true. It’s not fair to you, the father, or, ultimately, for your children.
In Dr. Amy J. Baker’s book, “Breaking the Ties that Bind,” Adult Surviviors of Parental Alienation, she notes that children victims of alienating behaviors often blame the targeted parent for giving up on them too easy. Of course, that really is par for the course. The targeted parent (usually Dad) is always getting unfairly blamed by the alienating parent, the children, the psychologists and the court.
After being stripped of basic civil rights as a parent at huge financial and emotional cost, and then having all of this effort met with hatred and blaming from your children in any event, the question is why would you even see these kids ever? At some point, when the children align with the mother and knowingly make false accusations, they have simply become immoral people. They have been taught by narcissistic sociopaths that if you really are angy with someone, you can be as cruel as you want and their are no consequences.
But their are consequences. Once the kids learn those values, they are gone, are they not? Why would any normal person want to see children or teens that are cruel and evil to you? What responsibility does a father have to keep trying to see kids that hate him for no reason, have contempt for him, and want nothing to do with him?
Evil people create fatherlessness and the courts perpetuate it by creating a de facto moral hazard – sociopathic/narcissitic mothers have every incentive in the world to use their children to hurt their ex spouse with no recourse. Any system or society built on such a moral hazard cannot last because its output is carnage. It is a sociopath factory.
Kids, get a clue. Dad is absent because of mom. She gets to decide if the kids are to divorce the dad. So, to all the kids who think Dad did not want to see them, guess why?
I disagree that both sides are never “blameless.” The women that do this to their kids are committing horendous evil that outweighs anything Dad ever did I am sure. No parent can call themselves a parent when doing this. You obviously have no love in your heart for your kids and no conscience.
Kids, keep on unfairly blaming Dad until you die. Maybe it makes you feel great and “superior” too. But it is still wrong, false and stupid. I am done with mean people blaming me for anything.
Some fathers disappear after divorce because it is too hard for them to continue fighting a system which is guilty of state sanctioned kidnapping.
These fathers don’t divorce their children, but if the ex doesn’t want him around any more, it’s as easy as apple pie to not only get “even” with him, but to get rid of him once and for all.
His Achilles heel is probably his children – that’s where she’ll aim – and with the blessing of the government, she’ll alienate the children against the father.
No wonder we’ve got youngsters roaming the streets, drinking, and drugging – lost kids with a great role model in mom.
I DONT THINK MOST OF YOU WOMEN REALIZE THE THINGS THAT ARE GOING ON IN THE WORLD TODAY…SOME OF YOU WORK HARD FOR YOU MONEY AND GO TO SCHOOL AND TRY TO MAKE A BETTER LIFE FOR YOUR KIDS…AND YOU FEEL AS IF THE FATHER IS TO DO AS HE PLEASES…WELL YOURE WRONG…IM A FATHER AND I NEVER SEE MY DAUGHTER DUE TO THE FACT THAT IM IN THE MILITARY AND HARDLY GET TO GO HOME AS MUCH AS I WOULD LIKE…I KNOW A LOT OF YOU ARE LIKE YEA WHATEVER…BUT FOR REAL I HAVE A NASTY CHAIN OF COMMAND THAT ONLY CARES ABOUT A MISSION…AND BECAUSE I CANT COME HOME LIKE MY DAUGHTER’S MOTHER WOULD LIKE ME TOO, SHE FEELS AS IF I DONT WANT TO SEE MY DAUGHTER…I JUST RECENTLY GOT MARRIED AND SHE HATES THE FACT THAT IM NOT WITH HER, I WENT HOME ON LEAVE AND WANTED TO TAKE MY DAUGHTER SHOPPING AND FOR THE WHOLE WEEK N A HALF I WAS HOME I WAS TOLD “NO” WHY DO YOU WANT TO BE A FATHER NOW…AINT THAT SOME SH**…MY DAUGHTER HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHATS GOING ON BETWEEN HER AND I BUT YET SHE USES HER AGAINST ME ALL THE TIME…SHE WONT LET MY MOTHER SEE HER NOR ANY OF MY OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS…AND SHE JUST HAD A SON…ALL I AM RIGHT NOW AT THIS MOMENT IS A CHECK…IM DOING EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO SEE MY DAUGHTER…BUT DO YOU KNOW WHAT IM TOLD ALL THE TIME BY THE COURTS…”SOUNDS LIKE A PERSONAL ISSUE BETWEEN YOU AND THE MOTHER”…BUT YET US FATHERS DO NOTHING RIGHT…MY FATHER WAS GUNNED DOWN WHEN I WAS TWO AND MY MOTHER RAISED ME AND MY OTHER TWO SIBLINGS ON HER OWN…MY BROTHERS FATHER DID RUN OUT ON HIM, SO I DO KNOW THAT THERE ARE FATHERS OUT THERE THAT DONT WANT TO TRY…BUT MY SISTER’S FATHER AND MY MOTHER STILL TALK FOR THE SAKE OF MY SISTER…HONESTLY THATS THE ONLY FATHER I KNOW, SO ALL OF YOU WOMEN OUT THRERE THAT ARE MAKING EXCUSES TO WHY YOU KEEP YOUR CHILD FROM THE FATHER SHOULD QUIT…ITS VERY INJUST AND ONE DAY YOU WILL PAY FOR IT.
divorced w/ 2 babies couple of months ago. ex picked his parents over us. my babies haven’t seen their dad since the separation which is back in June. my son had surgery, but ex didn’t even asked about him. ex had tight relationship with my toddler son. what is wrong with him? how can he just turn off the switch?
My question to all you dads who DO care about your children is this…what are single mothers to do when the father actually DOESN’T want to be involved? I’m talking, have given every opportunity I can think of, and still get nothing. I don’t receive child support, we don’t even have an order set up, and I don’t really care about that. I do ok with the little money I have, don’t really need him in that aspect I suppose. However I have told him time and time again that anytime he wants to see her all he has to do is call…and still, I receive no request, the times I have called to set things up he bails out right before hand, thats if he answers his phone at all. So tell me how it is that you want to bash on ALL single mothers? Some of us actually do try to get the dad involved, but you can’t force someone to do something they don’t want to do…now can you?
I want to thank DLC and all contributors to DWD for taking the time to post your comments. DLC brings up a sore spot with many dads who are forced to fight to see their children. Often in life people don’t realize what they have and that is so sad when it comes to the situation the DLC has described.You are wise to try to make the efforts you do, for your child’s sake. However,you are very correct that you can’t make someone do what they don’t want to do. I almost feel like you should give us his name and email address and we can invite him to receive some friendly “input” from dads who care and care alot for it’s those kind of deadbeats that help perpetuate the way the system often actually discourages parents (mothers and fathers) from fighting for their children. What would you like us to do to help you? Best of luck. Mike – your DWD host.
Women do not get this. As a guy, we DON’T get to RAISE our kids. YOU try visitation, like you are a criminal. Let me know how you feel? All the other stuff is secondary to this pain.
Or wait till the woman pulls out the old, “Child Molestor” charge. Let me tell you, if that happens, you are GUILTY till proven innocent with everybody.
And if you ran off with another guy from work (75% of divorces are filed by women who do this), we get to deal with that too.
Let us go to the court. I would be happy if the judge flipped a coin for custody, barring some just terrible parent. But NO. According to the census data, there is an 80% chance the woman gets the kids. If this was a black/white thing, there would be rioting in the streets. Personally, I think men should riot. This is BIAS, pure and simple.
NOW, these numbers are averages. I know, for men and women, there will be EXCEPTIONS you will be willing to spit out. But that is on BOTH sides. For every story about a bad guy, there is a story about a bad lady, that GOT CUSTODY.
This is a response to Michele’s post.
Your childs father and his mother have psychopathy or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
It is genetic. I have a mother who is sick like that. She has two sons, both are my half brothers. She barely raised one, and completely abandoned the other one and sent him and his sister off with their dad.
Here’s what’s interesting about genetics and also very devastating and sad.
The brother that I know, we were separated and he went to live with my father along with another old half sister I had. I went with (Narcissistic Personality Disordered MOM) and I hate her will have nothing to do with her now.
I went on a search to find the brother that I never met, as she gave him up around age 1 or maybe a bit earlier.
It turns out that both of her male children who never met one another, both led similar lives and did very similar things as if they wer identical twins. But these two men are 2 year apart and don’t know each other at all.
They both married and abandoned their wives. Beat them and left them with financial and emotion burdens. The both like to fish. They were both in the miliary at the same time, married around the same time and each had their first kids the same year. Both had extremeley turbulent relation with their wives. Turned their back on the wives, beat their wives, lied, deceived, used and everything you already mentioned about your kids dad just the same.
There is more to, but I am too hurt and traumatized to talk anymore about it. As out of 5 kids my disordered mom had, they all inherited the deceptive, sadistic and abusive personality disorder some without ever being exposed to her. I feel alone and isolated because after beginning to see the genetic relationship in their actions I had to run and get far away. I am now afraid to have more kids because I fear that gene will affect my offspring and I am frightened.
These sociopathic personalities like to pit family, friends, and communities against one another.
I beg all people of the world to be very careful, because mental illness is so heartbreaking to deal with. They can be the most fun and sweet people, but when the unpredictable, deceitful side begins to surface, and you have to watch certain words you say or else WATCH OUT! Having to walk on egg shells and wait until the next good moment is not worth it.
They will tell your spouse and close friends bad things about you to destroy your well being and reputation if you don’t let them have their way with you. Sadly, even if things seem fine, they are plotting against you and will hang out with you and treat you well without any sign there is something bad going on behind your back.
They are very smooth and charismatic to people outside the personal circle, so it is impossible for people to understand when you are desperately needing help and comfort from others to deal with it. It’s as if they throw you off of your own stable axis..
Get your child as far away as possible and begin tellin them early on about Narcissistic Personality Disorder/sociopathy or also known as psychopathy.
I got most of my strength in understand how to protect myself better from this evil genetic bloodline I have behind me. As far as I am concerned if anyone asks me… I have no family. It is safest that way; otherwise, I fear people will think I am bad like them too.
My message to Michele and everyone, please, please, please, as Dr. Laura Schlessinger says,
choose wisely and treat kindly.
It is easy to find yourself trying to rescue them with love and patience and understanding, but that is the most dangerous thing you can do. Dealing with a sociopath is like smoking crack, shooting heroin, or slowly commiting mental, spiritual and economic suicide. GET FAR AWAY, don’t let them know your friends, habits, routines etc.,. Even if you have to cut those off who are still connected to him, get rid of them too. Both choices will hurt and can be damaging.
But either choose to be connected and suffer damages mentioned above.
Or disappear or just do not connect at all under any circumstances and be a bit lonely, but at least your not in danger of losing respect of family and community members.
What I am trying to say is: Start making friends and a new family somewhere far away from the problem and keep it that way; otherwise, I am living proof that history with such blood relatives or ex’s will repeat itself and get more dangerous as time goes on.
Remember, they unfortunately were born without empathy or emotion and are not capable of understanding the damage they do. Yet, they know what they are doing, but think of it like a rabid animal, who may try to resist biting but the urge to do it there because something in their system is invading important nutrients in the body to ensure proper functioning.
It is the sadest thing to see their evil side, when the good times are too infrequent compared to the horrible side they possess.
Try to keep your sons and daugters isolated from this as even doing so may not help because it is genetic.
Teach kids not to mate with people who have mental disorders as the personalities are too difficult and disruptive to bear:(
One more post… I am 38 years old. I suffering alot as a result of having an entire family with this Psychopathy/Naricistic Personality Disorder.
Here is an interesting story for all of genetic connection to this nasty problem our great creator has planted into some of his creations.
I now realize that since my mom was a NPD. I attracted men that treated me like she did.
I had one really bizarre man in my life after my divorce who did very strange things: had multiple sex partners, did drugs, drank and tried to act as if he did no such things.
Fast forward – this guy stalked and nearly strangled me to death. Went to court, trial etcl. He was acquitted. He spend nine months in jail after the strangulation incident. He broke into my home and starting screaming, yelling, crying and put on a big drama scene.. I don’t want to remember the rest. He lied and told everyone I was a horrible, terrible person and that I destroyed his life. No one believed me. His mom protected him and refused to admit he was mentally ill when I tried to understand the type of behavior he displayed.
Fast Forward: In the long run, I found out his mother had to eventually get restraining orders against him, but she was secretive with me about it. 5 years later and young lady knocked at my door with the exact same injuries on her neck and face that I had. She was nervous and shaking at my door. I was relieved and pissed and the same time. Relieved because now,
1.)I finally had a witness that I was not making all this up althoug it took 5 years for this tragic miracle to happen at least for me.
2.) I typed his name on google but suddenly his brothers name came up and it turns out that his brother was hauled off to prison for 4 years for nearly killing his own wife. They reason he was arrested is because their little girl told authorities that when her mom woke up from being passed out after an episode of abuse, she woke up the next day in excruciating pain and said what happened? and the child said daddy did this to you.
To see the full story go to google and type in Miguel Mayzes and read for yourself. It is information published by the california courts, so I don’t have to worry about libel or slander. It is already public info. But his brother who I knew is a dangerous, mentally unstable monster and there is not trace of his cases probable because he is not acccomplished does not own property but became a derilict, alcholic and drug addict.
So my purpose for mentioning this is to show how sad it is that brothers can have the same condition and same for sisters. I can see the correlation of mothers giving this mental disease to her offspring. But I am curious to know what the rate of transmission is from men to their kids and whether the risks are higher or less or even 50/50.
People need to know, that no amount of friendship, loyalty and love will stop them from turning on you. They are like feral human savages with complete disconnect and regard for people and animals.
Fathers and Mothers be good to your children before they are born by choosing very, very carefully. As there is no pain greater than loving people who have this disorder, its like dealing with a six year old in an adult body.
They are stuck and have the dispostion of a human six year old. Go to some of the internet blogs on narcissistic personality disorder and click on Now we are Six. If you find it.
The courts are run by sociopaths and the police are too stupid to understand and have not training in this dynamic. Hopefully with the internet more of us can expose this dynamic as situation like the ENRON SCANDAL will occur if we continue to breed with these sub human characteristics. They look just like us on the outside, but their wiring is far out of this world and will literally blow your mind if you stay around it long enough. They have the power to hypnotize and control you. They are interesting beings, but the evil they possess carries a lot of gravity so please slam the door on them, nail it shut and cement it heavily. They will easily forget you and not have a problem. Remember, the go after those who can’t say no. They use everything and anyone including their kids as supply.. You are nothing more than supply, whether its to feed their drama, they thrive on getting you to make a fool of yourself doing disruptive things, making you angry and upset and will quickly deflect it on you by saying you are the one throwing temper tantrums, you need to settle down, your being childish..They will make you feel so frustrated and after every 3rd word you say they just keep deflecting and repeating and you can never have a resolved and settled conversation with them.
When you tell others, others are already against you because he or she has been secretly plotting to destroy you, so that when you seek help everyone will definitely think you are the problem. They are talented, convincing and yes very very smooth. They are good at what they do. But the mask of sanity does unfold to the other after some time, but by then relationships have already been destroyed.
To all of you on this blog who wonder what is wrong with these absent parents; All I have to say is that if they are not running from you because you are nuts, then welcome to the painful world of Sociopathy.
Not all psychopaths/sociopaths are killers, but if they don’t physically kill you, then they will ruin your health with stress, bacterial infections because they are nasty and swap bodily fluids with everyone else and my give you STD’s.
That is not love. Never love something that can’t love you back. In the case of parents: You are not obligated to love and respect them (mothers and father with this condition), any misfit can open their legs and produce a baby – remember that!
Some fathers just choose to stay away from their children once they have to pay child support. In most cases this is done to hurt the mother. In my case this is certainly happening. If support was given initially i would have never gone through this process. After five years of mood swings from his father i cannot understand how someone could remain bitter for so long. I totally believe when fathers act like this the child is not even considered. It just reveals how selfish we as human beings can be. It is hard for me to accept the idea that a father would abandon his child and would turn up years later after living his selfish life to try to get involved. Whatever you have to do, confront it now because later will be too late.
ok to all the angry males… not every divorce is requested by wife, not all women cheat.. and not matter what I had to do.. I would never move away from my children. Limit my time with them to short periods of time when I could deal with them… never!!!
Male can be sociopaths, be abusers, and plain not healthy for their own children. Parents who chose not parent lose the role by their hand. You can call, write, never give up unless of course your children are not worthy of your efforts… your the adult.. no matter what your ex does… your still a dad unless you choose to be absent. Only if your ex wife moves far away… kidnaps your child or children… can you truly be real about your complaints.Otherwise stop whining… not a criminal unless you committed a crime, your not a father unless YOU parent, YOU support your children in every way.
I am scrapegoat for my ex husband’s anger, he has not relationship with our daughter because he lied, cheated, and was abusive… he does not see them, does not maintain real contact with them, does nothing but expect that the children have to fix the relationship… he sees kid movies with his wife who was the OW and tells the kids what movies he saw, he does take his children to movies!!!!… his wife speaks poorly of me and she calls his children parasites… they are children… not parasites…
Jim your sort of heartless to blame your children… they did create this situation , but you and your ex did create them… find some peace… do not hate your children.
I live the other side of things trust me… explaining or telling your children that they are loved by a man who never sees them on ordinary days or big days of their lives is very hard… cannot say I believe it when I say it… but I say it not for him but for my children…
Child support is poverty….not enough… it is may be unfair to all… but if a man cheats, abuses you, moves away from his children… put other things before their welfare… well what is that? It sure is not parenting….
This is not war, it is children it is their hearts that break…
My first son’s bio father is in prison and has anti-social personality disorder. He could kill and I do not care if he was to die after he raped me, beat me, kidnapped me, and he did this over and over. I was dumb and thought a baby would help. Nope, just my son was devestated when he got older and grew out of it as we told him the truth. I met this other guy who is 8 yrs younger. We had a set of twins in 2004 and I became pregnant with a second set 5.5 months later. He became good friends with our female boss. She fell in love with him and was up his butt with life, left her husband, paid for everything for this guy. We moved to AZ and she, her husband (when they were together). She had developed this huge attitude towards me and would sit there and ask what we did when we had sex. She had helped the father watch the kids, spread rumors that the twins were not the father’s but a coworker’s and I never even gave this guy a hug. I was stressed, threw a brush and it his our almost 5 month old daughter. He called her to take the kids, I called the cops and I got arrested. I left back to NM and then went back to try to make things work.
Forward- this “friend” had started to sleep in the same bed as the father and get mad when I was there and spent the night. He would abuse me, verbally and mentally, and then she would run off threatening to kill herself and leave. Then one day after I came in from work to take care of the kids, she falsified charges that I hit her and I didnt. She would start crap and on the twins 3rd birthday we had the so called get together at the father and her house. I was forced to stay outside and had to leave so the kids would not have heat stroke.
Forward- The kids called her mommy and aunty and seen them sleep together. I found them naked on july 4, 2006, 2.5 months before I was arrested. She would act as if she was my kids mom, falsified one of the twin’s shot record and BEFORE that when I was on probation and there was nothing I could do and I even had called the cops and they would not do anything, she came out of the twins’ room and said my son, who was around 2 at the time was touching himself and she showed him how to masturbate. I do not know if she said that for she wanted me to hit her or what, but finally when I was able to get the kids and leave, I left and did not look back. The father has stuck by this person and I refuse to let her or his parents, who I wrote a letter to, to see them for they welcome this mental case into their home. The father is only allowed to see them in my home and no take them. He does not pay child support, nor does he send them Christmas or Birthday presents. He has had no phone for months and on his days off would rather do what he wants with his friends and cannot even call or wrote to ask how the kids are. He would have the bigger twin hit the smaller one and praise him. He would put the bigger twin in a half and full nelsons for punishment and called our daughter a bitch, though he says he was joking, at the age of almost 2 months. I have been told to still protect my kids from him and he has different types of personality disorders. He also falsified a restraining order and then the judge busted him and he did not even get arrested. Go figure! I have never acussed him of doing anything that was not true. When I was a couple of months pregnant, he pushed me and I hit the floor. I am not sure if it was that action of his or just coincidence, but I lost a twin to the second set of twins. His step sister tried to hit me and he pushed me unto the couch. Well, in Nov. 2007, as anger became him and his so called friend, I took a tape recorder and recorded him. He said some statements that will be damaging to him. As I listen, I can hear the narcistic personality imerge as well as paranoia. It hurts for me to keep the kids away from him because he is not being a father by not getting help and staying away from this other person. There is so much about her concerning rape that is sick. The kids do not mention him and want to call him. One of the twins do not want to be around him most of the time, but do want to see him. He said he will not come around without his mom. I said she is not welcomed and he needs to come by himself. He has five kids that are stair step ages, but there are 6 all together between us two and still stair steps. He has really hurt my son. I stay confused as to what I did wrong for him to change so fast. I am hurt because I know my children hurt inside and it kills me for having them with a worthless person. I hope one day he will get help and get his butt out of his friend’s butt and he will think for himself for once in his life.
Curious if you can forward an email to “Sunshine,” who posts above on January 21, 2009. I know the people to whom she refers. I’m curious if she knows “Beth,” who was “married” to Miguel. I was once a friend of Miguel, but parted company because of his behavior. I have no contact with him and will never have contact with him. I’m not the least bit surprised he did what he did, given his behavior when I parted company. I’m mostly curious how Beth and the kid are doing. And, yes, I (unfortunately) knew Tomas 20 or so years ago.
Child support is designed to pay for the children’s living expenses that both parents would normally provide in an intact family, for expenses such as; medical and dental, clothing and food, sporting activities, school lunches, and the general cost of living (housing, utilities, etc.)
Why on earth should it be the custodial parents full responsibility to provide all this? If a person did not have these children to care for, would they have these expenses? NO! Why does it bother someone to help pay for their kid’s raising? This is not some legal attempt to “steal” money from an individual and railroad them to poverty. What do you think it does to a child when they don’t receive assistance from both parents? Why would a parent want their child to struggle and go without, so they don’t have to? This is a low-life, self centered bastard that would think that way. Get over it and do the right thing and support your kid and stop making babies if you don’t want to support them and give them the best possible life. When did it become the custodial parents responsibility to do it all? Who would think that it is enough to “just be there for your kid?” Sorry to tell you, but you have to do that too! If you can’t see logic and have enough love in your heart to support your kid and be a responsible parent – seek counseling and learn how to think about someone else, other than yourself. It is not pleasant having to deal with an ex for anyone, but many people do it successfully and learn how to manage for the kids best interest. It can be done if one is willing to put their kid before themselves.
I left my common-law partner because of his lies, drinking, and suspected drug use. There was constant fighting and I was miserable. I could tell he was, too. We didn’t belong together – never did, never will. He’s not a bad man. He wanted to have his family, but live as a single man and do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. Not come home for 3 days…no calls, not willing to answer questions about it. So I told him for a year I was going to leave. And I did. I explained to our then 3-year old mom and dad can’t live in the same house, but dad can visit you whenever he can and you have two homes. I chose to go to a mediator to make things fair for both my ex and I regarding visitation. We couldn’t do every other weekend, etc because of his job. So, we agreed to 24-hours notice with my comment that no request for him to visit would be denied unless we had previously made plans. If that were the case, I would suggest another day. His job takes him here, there, and everywhere, often with little notice. His schedule is tough, so I wanted to be flexible with his visitation. I maintain that he is her father, and has a right to see his child whenever he can. He and I cannot be together, but his daughter needs him. So, we started with some visits…his comments and behavior at visitation pick-up/drop-off was unacceptable. Negative comments about me and money said directly to the child. Accusations of me cheating said directly to the child. Refusing to answer my questions such as, “Did she eat dinner?” and “Was the preschool Halloween party fun?”. After 3 or 4 months of regular visitation, it stopped. I’ve moved in with my new partner after a long relationship (that was not started until after the break-up). My ex no longer calls our child. He no longer visits. He does not return her phone calls. It’s been 3 months and nothing. This is not the story of a mother trying to play “saint” or the case of a woman who made it hard for her ex to see their child in some sort of power play. It sickens me to know that my daughter sits and wonders why her father does not return her calls.
sunshine:
My mouth dropped wide open when I read your post!!!!! I dealt with my daughter’s dad for about 1 and a half and kept wondering why he acted the way he did and you just described him to the T…….he does not come around moved to another state and continues to lie to other women to get them pregnant and leaves them. He is definitely has NPD!!!! Thanks to you I can finally close that open loop to my life and stop wondering why he did the things he did and continues to do…..he is MENTALLY ILL and now I have proof in front of me and know that there are other monsters out there like him. I’m thankful to God for getting him far away from me and my daughter. I would love to hear from you, e-mail me at janie003@yahoo.com
I divorced the same man twice. What was I thinking to have given him so many chances? He lied to me the very first day I met him. He was verbally and physically abusive. He slept with many, many, many women. As a result, he has 7 children by 5 different women. Oh, and i forgot to mention that he is a pathological and habitual liar. He will lie as quick as look at you about any and everything. Once I got my head on straight, I finally divorced him after threatening to do so over and over again. I realized that that I could only change myself. I also came to the realization that I didn’t think highly of myself to let someone treat me this way. While I continued to let him bring drama into my life with his babies’ mamas, I concurrently went back to school and got my degree.I blocked what he was doing out of my mind. He tried his best to sabotage me. Well, it took a minute. But I freed myself and found myself. We have two sons together. He has never been a part of their lives. Even when he was here, he wasn’t here. I put him out of my house over two years ago. He didn’t see the boys for two years. He finally saw them around their birthday in January. He saw them 3 times for a total of 4 hours. He then disappeared. Who knows when he’ll see them again. The’re almost grown. It seems as though once I definitively decided to never take him back and divorce him, he abandoned his boys. He pays child support, but only because he knows I’ll hunt him down if he doesn’t and he has a mariner’s license to protect. It’s definitely not out of love. I divorced him, but he divorced his sons. They are great boys and thank God they have positive male models in their lives. He’s still their father. I have repeatedly sent him their email addresses, cell phone numbers and the house phone number is still the same. Maybe he’ll realize one day, before it’s too late, that he needs to be in their life. Maybe not. I have never kept them from him. But I got tired of calling and emailing him asking him when he was going to see his sons. I even kept proof that I sent him their contact info just in case he tells them that I kept them from him. They will be great men. I’m sure of it. But he will not be able to take credit for it. He’s such an extremely poor role model that sometimes I think it’s a blessing that he stays away. He went to therapy 1 time, but didn’t continue. He definitely needs help. Who knows? maybe h’ll get it and change his ways before it’s too late.
To take DLC’s scenario one more step: What do you do when the father chooses to remain uninvolved for 10 years, moves multiple times so child support can’t be collected, and then suddenly wants a relationship with his child? He claims he couldn’t find us, although we live where we did when he left. And he says I left him, when he’s the one who said he wanted to split. I’m afraid to let him back in my daughter’s life. Can I trust him? What lies will he tell her? What’s his motivation after all these years?
I am a divorced single mother and may I say that in the five years since my ex-husband left me my children have seen him a total of six weeks. I begged him through emails and phone calls to visit the children especially when my oldest was ill in the hospital. Did he? No. Instead he went on vacation with his wife and told me to handle it. I did. Do I resent it? No, I don’t because I know that if I am the only one my children can count on then I should be there. I am no saint. I don’t act like I am. I make mistakes and allow my children to see me make mistakes. I don’t badmouth my ex except to my friends. My children know that the relationship they have with their father is his responsibility to pursue and not theirs. Most single mothers that I know don’t act like saints they do what they have to do to survive. Men and women alike look at divorce as a way of getting out of dealing with the problems that caused the divorce. Let me remind you that it takes two to tango. I chose to shut him off from my affection, support and love, when he hit me one too many times and his third girlfriend threatened to kill me. Does that make me a bad person? Probably in his eyes but he has only himself to blame for not seeing the kids. I haven’t hidden anything from him except my finances and my own personal things. But when it comes to the kids he knows everything that is going on at least I think he does. His wife tends to have control over a lot of things including contact with all family outside of their marriage.
So gentlemen, and women alike unless you have made a solid effort ( i.e.you are attending games, activities, going to parent teacher meetings, church services, award ceremonies, doctor’s appointments, etc. even when the ex is present) stop blaming the other person and look at your own behavior. Does your current significant other cut down your ex in front of your kids? Does he/she resent the time you spend with them? Do you disrespect your ex in front of the kids? Do you start arguments just to blame the no contact on her? A wise person told me in the ER when I was getting stitches for a cut over my eye from a smack from my ever loving husband, if your behavor is right on you have nothing to hide. If you can’t realistically and honestly say that you have been an upstanding person then you will blame the other individual for everything.
I am responding to this thread of thought from the child’s perspective, and feel like the child who is quoted at the beginning of this…I am 41 on Thursday. Our Dad left us to move to the other side of the world 27 years ago. During those 27 years we have had no contact at all, however my two sisters and I have visited him once each during that time. The visits themselves were ok, but no contact was made afterwards. So we have all given up now. Regardless of my age, I still miss him. Mum never once stopped him visiting or contacting us, it has been his choice. I have sent countless letters but no reply. Any ideas what I should do next to fill the hole in my heart?
I do realize that many women intentionally limit their children’s relationship with their fathers and that this is a real problem in our society. but in my case that truly isn’t the issue. I would like some advice from people who have been in similar situations, not from people upset about something completely different.
I got married with i was 19. we had 2 boys together. when i was pregnant with the first son i realized he was an alcoholic, but staying married was very important to me. we where married for 10 years. it was a rollercoaster. i finally left when i realized that any benefit the boys got from having two parents in the home was negated by the fact that he was a worthless father. our older son began having emotional problems because at 9 years old he felt like it was his responsibility to parent his father. he was completely stressed out with this task, we both where, but he was only a child. when we finally divorced, my son blamed himself, thinking if he had taken better care of dad that we’d all still be living together. he watched his dad falling apart. on days that he would be scheduled to visit my son would have break downs at school crying under the desk. he said that he didn’t want to see his father unless he had a cell phone because his dad would try to drive him places while he was drunk or would pass out and my son wouldn’t know what to do. visitations kept becoming more and more limited and their dad agreed. he said he couldn’t be sober for more than a couple of hours at a time so it would be better if visits were limited to 2 hours a week. then i got offered a job a couple of hours away making 3 times more money, so i took it. the boys stress level decreased because they were no longer confronted on a regular basis by their father’s poor decision making. their dad said he couldn’t afford to pay for any of the travel for visiting. i thought this was weird because when we divorced i took all the bills and credit card debt. he did have child support payments, but otherwise he really just had to pay for his rent and food. i encouraged him to call the boys, we set up an e-mail account and i gave him half of board games like battleship so they would have something to do to interact, but that only lasted about a week. I have kept contact with his parents who are very supportive of me. his parents and my family live in the same town as he does. when i visit my family i call him and his family to see if they want to see the boys. generally he does take me up on this, but his behavior is erratic. sometimes he clears his schedule and they all have a great time, other times he’s strung out and sleeps the whole time their their and they come back feeling sad and resentful. he moved in with his mom and had essentially no bills and still said he couldn’t afford to meet us half way for visitation. i thought it was strange, but figured he was just making poor financial choices. recently i found out he’s in rehab. the reason he has no money is because he’s been smoking crack, literally. i found out the last time they spent the night with him he let a fellow crack addict sleep over, i think he even slept in the same room. as far as i know nothing happened, but it was extremely dangerous. i don’t know what to do. my younger son says he’s happier now, though he worries about his dad making poor choices, but my older son absolutely blames himself. my current husband thinks we should just try to forget about their dad, not mention him and not tell the boys his latest addiction. i have made all the visitation arrangements. if i don’t call their dad he will mostly likely do what he did with his son from his first marriage, go years at a time with no contact. but i think even if no one mentions it, the kids are still thinking about him and wondering why he won’t put in any effort. i have a responsibility to raise my children to be men, good husbands and fathers. i can take care of a lot of their needs but i am completely unable to teach them how to be men. sadly, so is their father. my current husband cares about them and takes on that resposibility to teach them to be men, but it isn’t really a substitute for an actual father, especially for my son who will be a teenager in a couple of months. any advice?
I keep seeing excuses in all these comments. My childrens father up and decided one day that he didnt have time for them. He was going to school and working part time. He said he didnt have time for the kids. I went to college full time and worked 2 jobs while raising my kids. If you want to be there you can be there. Go to court if the mother wont let you see the child. He hasnt even picked up the phone to the call the kids cause he claims hes to busy for that too. Thats why so many women have to play both roles and take the harder toll. We have to come up with the answers to questions when the kids ask where daddy is, we have to comfort their tears when they miss him. Its when they decide to be a daddy that the child wont want a daddy anymore and all hope at a relationship will be gone. Because those kids will see for their own eyes what is truly going on.
Re: “Sunshine” posts..
Tomas is currently again, and has repeated this for more than a decade now, “in custody” for inflicting corporal injury on a cohabitant/spouse, his attacks involve violent intimidation, extreme corporal injury, strangulation, stalking and disturbing behavior, just the same as his brother Miguel. Also, there is something listed on the Santa Rita jail inmate information post regarding Human trafficking as well, in his most recent arrest, apparently he was taken into custody on a DA Warrant according to the online post. There is a court date scheduled for Nov. 30, 09 in Hayward, Ca for his hearing. I swear that man is going to kill someone one of these days, everytime I hear of a murdered woman in the East Bay, I check to see if it was him who did it..Scary stuff! There are quite a few women out there who live in fear of these guys.
For anyone with further questions send email to: stoppercrime87@yahoo.com
To Will,
I don’t know “Beth” personally, but heard of her a long time ago, and even though I don’t know her, I wish I could wave a magic wand before her and erase, every bit of terror, pain and fear she has experienced at the hands of her husband. I also hope she is well hidden. When I found out about her situation I wanted to reach out to that poor woman and tell her “I know”, exactly what an upside down hell, she must have experienced at the hands of M, living in fear and silence about it for so long..She is extremely lucky to still be alive today, but after reading the court reports on google, it is to my belief the time was getting close that her life was about to come to an end at the hands of her husband. I am so glad she went to the emergency room to get help because I am convinced she would not be here in the world to be with her kids, had there not been some type of outside intervention after that horrible event.
T and M’s mother has a unique way of gathering support for these guys each time they do something dangerous, and it is sad and frightening, does she not realize she as well as other family and community members who get involved can be in danger too???. I feel bad for the all the victims of T & M, having to watch this go on and experience it, I would not even wish it on my worst enemy. I have seen another person so devastated, shaken, and confused after nearly being beaten and strangled to death by T, and also, never seeing life the same after bearing witness to guys like T who transorm into monsters, it is indescribable, mental illness is an understatement when these guys go into a rage. They are both a very, very, and I need to stress VERY, serious threat to society. There are no words to describe such a frightening encounter with these people. My heart goes out to all who have had the misfortune crossing paths with T or M.
All the women, who have had intimate relationships with Tomas or Miguel will never be the same. Ever! Your mind will be messed up and your trust in people and the system will sink, because they are masters at playing the system/courts (master manipulators) and influencing others that their victims are responsible for their terror and brutal physical assaults, psychological mind games, harrassment and stalking behaviors, etc.,.
I understand a mothers need to help her sons, but with a long history, there must be a point where one should give it up, and stop enabling them to become worse, because it is obvious that they are getting worse as they get older, and their conditions are very serious. Devastatingly so.
If anyone else has been victimized, nearly lost their lives or know about their history, or know of others who have suffered and their lives have not been the same after knowing these guys feel free to vent or just mention oddities of their characters at the email given at the end of this statement below.
Every victim of Tomas Mayzes has been kept in the dark about his long past criminal records, by his mother and the police, and he wins jury trials each time he harms women (people in general), with the help of his mother and her talent for gathering strong community support, they are all in danger for helping these guys roam free, the community at large is in danger.
When will people learn and get a clue??
These guys T & M, can say some really weird verbal stuff to their victims, they can make the room seem to spin with the amount of psychological venom they spew out, before, during and after an attack.
If you see these guys RUNNNNNN!
There must be so many people out there who have suffered at the hands of these men.
Will, I would love to hear from you;)
email: stoppercrime87@yahoo.com
@ polly #31, My advice to you is to go online and google, “Sociopath”, or NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). This may help you understand the type of person your father is, and help you on your road to healing. He obviously is very disconnected and cannot bond with you.
Anyone can reproduce and make a baby, but actually deciding to parent them is an entirely separate issue. You may not realize it, but your dad may be doing you a big favor by not being in your life, because if he was a devoted, good influence, he would have been present for you.
This does not make you less of a person, although many kids feel that way for life once a parent ignores them. Don’t be angry with him, just keep going, because that’s the only choice you have. He is who he is and it’s that simple.
He was not a parent, but only a sperm donor. There are many people who walk in your shoes out there, this is very common, and I am not excusing it either, but want to say, don’t emotionally allow yourself to be punished over his choices.
Sometimes, when men move on from their wives, they can divorce the kids which come from that union to start a new life, sometimes women with this personality disorder can be the same way.
Don’t take it personally, it really has nothing to do with you, just like when a persons spouse cheats, sometimes it’s just that a person has no control due to addictive personalites, or no self respect; therefore, they don’t have the ability to predict how their actions will psychologically and spiritually harm their families.
Also, some are highly aware of what they do, and simply don’t care – hard for some to accept or believe, but that is just how it is out there in the world with many people.
Try your best to go on with your own life, and if the pain still haunts you, do everthing in your power to research the personality types mentioned above. By doing so, you will become empowered, and hopefully not fall victim to this with your own relationship or kids in the future!
Trust no one, but choose wisely and carefully, be very picky as to whom you allow in your intimate space and never rush or allow yourself to be rushed, because you have the power to make a choice, and if someone can’t take their time and wait for you to feel they have proven themselves to you first, then Run!
Of course, that bad man may leave you first(which would mean doing you a favor), before there is ever a remote chance of kids being involved, a great way to weed out undesirable mates (the Sociopath or Narcissist).
Don’t ever approach a relationship or anything for that matter with emotions. For a better chance at happiness to protect yourself in the future, remember, a Sociopathic parent has no empathy for “anything”, so don’t take it personally!
Most women with absent fathers or fathers with this personality are at “high” risk for attracting the same types of men, due to not having a good male role model, yet, sometimes, even girls from homes with devoted fathers can fall victim to a Sociopathic personality, because the seem genuine, sincere and interested in your well-being only in the beginning, and they come in so many forms too, from all walks and levels of life, they are everywhere, so be careful!
Best wishes to you and may you achieve peace and happiness in your life’s journey!
Greetings, Sunshine! Glad you reached out to me. Check your email. : )
God’s strength to all of you. My father beat the bejeezus out of my mom for years until I stopped him. He beat me repeatedly as a little boy, putting welts all over me and making me piss blood when I was in the fourth grade from the beating I took.
And when he was old and weak, I took care of him. I managed all his affairs and kept his rotten family from trying to steal his money– money that I needed to pay for his SNF care.
I also wanted the SOB to know who was the better man on his way to a toasty afterlife.
Sunshine, When I read your first post, I related completely! I have lived what you are speaking of and am currently in court against a monster diagnosed with the personality disorders mentioned. I have a 10+ year old beautiful daughter who has been spared his insanity but he filed against me from prison and was released 8/31/09! The courts do not understand the danger and he is the bio father. Your post sounds crazy to the people who have never come across these types and thank God others validated on this site your story. I am so scared for my daughter. I know this man will stop at nothing and enjoy taking my daughter only to smile at me as he drops her off knowing he has done what he wants with her and I cannot do anything! I am no dummy. I am a business owner and a good person so those who think it only happens to those that deserve it, should think again. Your words ring so true as it came from his own mouth “he can spot the women who are ‘good’ and the ones who won’t say no and he uses them”. It was weird reading your words. Only those who have dealt with these individuals really know as it seems it cannot be to those who haven’t. He has this christian forgiving church backing him and he is laughing all the way. It is unbelievable. I said something wrong to him after a while of no contact but I forgot the dynamics of this type. He sucked the life out of me and the peace and safety from my existence that so many take for granted as a right. Evil monster is right. If the devil was ever here on earth, it is through these men. (women too). He looks good. He is a master manipulator. He has threatened to murder me and my child but “it was so long ago, it is irrelevent since the pastor will vouch he is a changed man”. Funny how he became the prison chaplin two months before being released just to put the cherry on top of the game. I have been told I am the strongest woman friends have ever met but I am on my knees. I hope my body and mind holds out for the sake of my daughter. I also hope there is a special place in hell for these types. I cannot bear to think there isn’t since he is getting away with this here on earth. A police officer tried to warn me when he came to my house. He said “PLEASE don’t fall for this! This is a master manipulator and he is good. He will stop at nothing as you are the best thing he will ever come across and I fear for you and your daughters safety.” I took heed to his warning but 10+ years later he is wanting custody and visitation of this child. UGH! May we all wave that magic wand and be cleaned of the impurity these parasites bestowed upon us……
@ (will) #37,#38, and (stillhere) #39,
Thank you both for posting. You have brought great relief and understanding.
Best Regards to both of you!
@ stillhere, my jaw literally dropped when I read your reply. I makes total sense and I know that personality type well. I hope that one day, this negative personality will somehow get permanently erased from your world and you can have your life, privacy and peace of mind back.
That Pastor needs serious psychology training, or who knows, he may be a N/P too? After all, he does lead and church, influences and takes peoples money, tells them what they want to hear and most likely lives in a nicer home, drives and fancier car and so many people are being influenced by these Pastors etc.,.
Very sad:( The people attending their churches are all like little weak followers and easily brainwashed, having no idea he supports a dangerous person like your childs father, now that is a shameful thing unknown to the little lambs who attend his services each week..Forgive me for speaking that way, but it’s true in so many cases. This is why I don’t attend church. I am no atheist, but I can’t see myself following the influence of another man or woman for direction, after dealing with what I have, I see mankind in different light and try hard to make my own decisions, lead a decent life, stay educated and informed and do the best I can, I am not perfect, but use the wisdom gained to stay clear of bad situations, minus the manipulation and deception of others..;-) Been there, done that, never again! I learned the hard way too..
I wish you all the best!
Can’t thank you enough for your posts and messages too:)
@ stillhere,
Sorry for the typos in the last post for #40. Hope it makes sense.
About the Christian Church, the monster I knew, attempted to use a church to communicate in my case too, some woman travelled to my place to hunt me down and convince me to drop the criminal charges. I was blown away at how much they thought he was such a nice man and that I was some vindictive woman trying to bring this guy down for no reason..Ugh!..
That also helped to contribute to my loss in faith regarding church going people and how easy it is for master manipulators to fool them too, gosh can people really be safe anywhere? Don’t expect to find it there, with events like this taking place!
You made me laugh, when you said my posts sound crazy to those who don’t understand, because I agree, and thanks to those as well as yourself who validated my statements, because if it weren’t for those strangers to come forward, then that was the risk I had to face, and now, I am relieved that I spoke out.
I only wish, I could have found such a post, about certain individuals when I was in peril, I had no answers, no leads, no clue’s, no relief, no support. Everything was blank, evil, new in a dangerous, empty, confusing and scary way, and my only mission after this experience was to get the word out to others, so no one else will suffer the way the rest of the victims have.
(stillhere) your detail is an exact reflection of the experience I had. I wondered for so long if anyone else had the exact same experience, watching an official, pastor, judge etc,., fall for this mess, leading to more victimization and injustice. I have seen the justice system, friends, family and community take the side of predators too often.
Your post has helped and brought much comfort realizing there are others living in and witnessing the same type of nightmare in our society. It is more common than most want to believe.
I truly found some hope in humanity from reading your statement, it is very real to me and based on your reply it brings peace of mind knowing someone else out there can identify with the same experience.
I can’t thank you enough!
@ will, same regards and thanks for sharing as well!
It think it is unfortunate that so many fathers here have posted such nasty things about mothers. While I agree that there are many women who make it hard for fathers to share in raising their children, there are also many fathers who simply find it easier not to be involved. Why that it, I don’t know. My ex-husband is very bitter about my deicision to end our marriage. It was an unhealthy and unhappy marriage and an unhealthy household for the children. Their father is very well off. His focus is money. Parenting has never been something he’s coped well with. When we separated if offered to share custody. He did not want to. He only wannted to have the kids every second weekend. He lives close to them yet hardly ever sees them. I encourage him and ask hium to see his children more often and he says no. He turns off his phone so that our daughter will not be able to call him. The kids don’t like going there because he ignores them all weekend. They come home with bruises and scrapes because they fight to get his attention. I tell him when all of the kids activities and special events are, I invite him to their birthdays. I make it clear that he should feel comfortable to participate at any time. He is not interested. He never shows up. If there’s a day both he and the kids are off and I have to work, I offer him to spend the day with him and he says no. I really do feel that the best for our children is to spend time with both of their paarents and to behave as adults and really but the well-being of the children first. He tells me the kids are fine and that they havea wonderful relationship…. yet I have to pick them up almost everytime they sleep there because they don’t want to be with him because he’s on his computer. He sees parenting as a shore. I am not a saint. Being a single parent requires planning but to be honest, I don’t find it that hard. I make the kids the priority and organize my life around that. The most difficult part is trying to explain to my children why they “can’t” see their dad. It’s not that they can’t see… he says NO all the time. To the dads who do want to spend thime with their children and can’t, then I feel very sorry for you and your children. That’s wrong but please don’t discount the fact that just like some women prevent dads from seeing their kids, there are some women who make every effort to help their children have a strong and meaningful bond with their fathers and simply have no cooperation from the dads.