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Last time we talked about Ghost Dads, fathers who fade away after divorce (see our Feb. 4 post). In most cases fathers who stop seeing their children do so for their own emotional health and self preservation, but in doing so they place a damaging burden on their children. A friend of mine raised three girls without the involvement or support of their father. Now grown women, they continue to have self doubts and relationship issues that stem from the absence of their father as they were growing up. The following is a portion of a letter one of them recently wrote to her dad. She is now 24.
“Why don’t you ever write to me? I’ve written you letters, sent emails and birthday cards, but you never write back. Don’t you love me? Don’t you care about me? I am your daughter but I feel abandoned. Am I that unlovable? I want to get to know you again but you seem to have closed your heart. Please write back otherwise I don’t think I can keep trying. It’s just too hard.”
The children who heal fastest from divorce are those who enjoy the love, support and involvement of both parents. As a father, it’s essential that you remain part of your children’s daily lives during and after divorce. You need to be in the crowd cheering at soccer and Little League games. You need to be in the audience at dance recitals and school programs. You need to attend parent-teacher conferences. You need to help with homework, comfort your child when they’re sick, go out for ice cream, play catch at the park — all the things you did when you lived together as a family. It’s the way you show your kids that you love them and that you’ll always be there for them.
I was married to a man who left his kids in every county. He went to alot of trouble to hide this from me. When I met him he was in a paternity suit. My lawyer handled this. I had my doubts about this guy then. Should have listened to that warning. He bad mouths women. He took off and left our son. He lies to about and against others. The whole thing was a terrible mess. He did not seem to understand how our son felt. He whined and cried about access and then would turn around and use it for himself. Finally he came in and dumped his visitation and custody. I was furious. He was just jerking everyone around including our son. He had kids after that he dumped. What the heck is wrong with this guy. His mother is a narcistic liar. He appears to be like her. My son has been with me the last 10 years. The DA was after him for 5 child support cases. His mother blames all his wives for his problems. It seems like he is stuck on his mother. I really feel sorry for my son. We did everything we could. It looks like this guy lies about women so he can play the phoney victim. This appears to get him alot of things and his mother seems to encorage it. The court would not allow anyone to pick up our son except him. When he found that out he ditched our son. He also meddles in others marriages. He took off with someone else and the husband was furious. He then turned around and took off with another guy’s wife in another town. He bailed out on her. It seems like this person has littleor no respect for others homes. He seems to think this is all funny. I think he is mentally ill. How come he doesn’t see all the damage he is doing to these children. I did notice something, he does not want anyone to see it’s him that is doing this, he seems to want to blame women to please his mother. This is bizarre.
Did you notice how hard it was for the child to keep writing? You want to know what is it like to be a DAD? Give birth to your baby, and get a court order that you have to give it away the next day. Oh, you get to VISIT, but I am gonna be sure it is a hassle. Wait, it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to pay for this kid, that you are not going to raise. Feeling good now?