Why Fathers Disappear After Divorce
There’s an interesting article on DadsDivorce.com entitled The Ghost Dad Phenomenon written by Sarah Hampson of The Globe and Mail (click the link to read the article). It talks about the dads who disappear after divorce. They continue to send child support, but they’re physically absent from their children’s lives. They become “ghosts” to their children. As the years go by they become a hazily remembered presence imbued with equal parts of love, anger and confusion; but for their children the ache of their loss never goes away.
The big question is why? Sure there are abusive fathers and irresponsible fathers whose children are probably better off without them. But why do fathers who love their children disappear? If they love their children, how can they hurt them by abandoning them?
As a divorced dad explains in the article, “It’s about shame.” “In the world of masculinity,” writes Ms. Hampson, “you’re either a winner or a loser … It’s black and white. Divorce is seen as failure, ergo you’re a loser. Who wants to be reminded of that?”
Post-divorce conflicts over child support, parenting and visitation, coupled with spousal criticism, dating, remarriage or job relocation can strain a father’s relationship with his family to the breaking point.
“A man feels sadness,” explains Calvin Sandborn, author of Becoming the Kind Father. ”But on some level he thinks, ‘I’m not supposed to feel sadness,’ so the way men react is to blame the person who is making them feel sad. They get angry. There’s an adrenalin rush. And that makes them feel powerful again.”
Many fathers who feel increasing anger at their marginalization in their children’s lives respond by leaving. Ill-equipped to deal with their emotions and unable to express them, they choose to avoid them. The pain of being repeatedly reminded of what they have lost, drives them away. They push away from the pain and anger caused by a situation they cannot control and in the process abandon the children they love.
Next time: A child’s response.
Filed under: Healing From Divorce, Positive Parenting, Uncategorized | Tagged: collaborative divorce, dads and divorce, divorce, divorce without dishonor
Dads going through a painful divorce may be interested in the book that Sarah Hampson refers to in her Globe and Mail article. Becoming the Kind Father: A Son’s Journey is one man’s story of how he became a better and more sensitive Dad while going through a painful divorce.
The San Diego Union Tribune described the book this way: “Becoming the Kind Father: A Son’s Journey is a warm and touching guide for any man who, like author Calvin Sandborn, grew up with a harsh father. Sandborn tells how he finally faced himself, what he had become and how he became the person he wanted to be for his children.”
Unless you been through it, you have no idea what it is like. You get VISITation. Notice the VISIT part. You are a visitor. You are not really a dad. Sure, you can change the definition of a dad, but you are still a VISITOR. Now, a mom that gets custody, wants a dad involved for the KIDS. But, for those MOM’s that were lazy, shop-a-holics, or cheaters, I say, IF YOU REALLY CARED FOR YOUR KIDS, YOU WOULD HAVE PUT THE RELATIONSHIP first. These mom’s have no right to whine about a dad that abandons the kids. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW PAINFUL it is. In these cases, I tell the dad to abandon the kids. The mom don’t care, you are a visitor, and there is nothing but pain ahead. Go, live life, and forget the past. Based on some studies that 50% of men abandon the kids, I say that is what they are doing.
What about the MOM’s who stayed to put their relationship and children 1st, just to have the DAD continue his bi-polarish behavior in front of said kids?!? How dare you state that it is our (MOMS) fault when u havent lived every one of our lives!! I was not a cheater, lazy or a shopaholic..didnt have time to do any of the above due to no involvement with the father when we WERE married, that’s y i left..if i could feel single when i was married then i’d rather be single and divorced. My children suffer daily because of their FATHERS ABANDONMENT!! and how dare u blame shift to turn it the other way!!
Even if my parents are not divorced but my dad has been abandoning us for a long time but I guess this is another story.
The feeling of having a different new life after divorce is what makes dad abandon their children.
-Jan
Some men give up – like I did. I had four grown kids. In addition, I had five wonderful grandchildren. My ex waged war against me at every turn and on all levels. I spent 7 years being the brunt of jokes, ridicule and insults from my ex and children. I had adopted her two children and had two more children. Following an accident that nearly ended my life, I was diagnosed with cancer. The kids rarely visited. It was a huge blow. But remarkably, I recovered. Oh well, forgive and forget – I always said. But as each holiday season came and went, the kids visited less and less. So I would go visit them, but never felt welcome. Finally, Thanksgiving came and no one visited. And when Christmas came, they visited for one hour. I looked around my place and realized there wasn’t a Christmas tree. Why hadn’t I bought one? The truth hit me – I never expected anyone to visit. I had given up. Remembering a line from a movie, “Get busy living or get busy dying” – I moved to Europe, where I now live. I have not heard anything from my children or grandchildren. But maybe someday they will realize that I loved them. At least I hope so.
Divorce is an absolutely humiliating and demoralizing experience for a man. They are relegated to part time father and visitor regardless of their previous involvement in the lives of their kids. I sat through a temporary custody hearing where the judge literally threatened to toss the ex’s family out of the court room and told my ex to control her temper and I was still given 1/3 of the year with my children. For that privilege I pay over 1/3 of my salary to see them and the woman I divorced is now more of a pain in the ass than she ever was when we were married. It’s assumed that children are better off with their bipolar, heavily medicated mothers than their mentally stable, financially responsible fathers for some odd reason. This country and it’s family courts are completely useless. After going through the hell that I’ve gone through, I don’t blame any man for disappearing and never looking back. It’s absolute nonsense that we were fine fathers while we were married but somehow now that we’re divorced, we’re somehow not worthy of spending the same amount of time with our children. It doesn’t make any sense.
I think the real issue here is that every divorce is different, every set of parents are different, and as a family law paralegal, I have seen mothers and fathers both abandon their children and their responsibilities to their children. I have seen completely unfit mothers have custody of their kids while the fathers hands have been tied, and I have seen completely unfit fathers wage a legal war with the mothers just to torment them and assert what little remaining control they have over the lives of their ex-wives and the children. Until the family court system starts dealing with these issues on a case-by-case basis, and until we start training Guardian Ad Litems who will take a stand in the CHILDREN’s best interests, then we will continue to see the acrimony and destruction of personal and family relationships that come with divorce. My message to divorced parents (as a child of divorce myself as well) is this- your children need you to be an adult, and as the only adult in their life who has control over their environment, it is incumbent upon you to make sure that your interactions with the other parent are civil at the very minimum, that you do not use your children as a weapon to hurt your ex-spouse, and that if you can’t conduct yourself with a spirit of love and compassion, and if you are not willing to put aside the past to create a better future for your children post-divorce, then perhaps it isn’t such a bad idea to walk away for a while until you can grow up and act like an evolved, intelligent adult.
I have been searching the internet for ideas
to help my two adult sons who are divorced.
Both I thought were going to have great
marriages.
One ended very early into the marriage
and another several years later.
Both of my adult sons have sons of their
own whom I will never see or hardly see at
all. I definitely will never be a grandfather
to several of these young boys.
It hurts but I (We) can hope and pray that
the future will be different.
We live in a “fallen sin-filled world” but we
mostly refuse to look to the author of marriage,
God, who created the first marriage and into His
book, the Bible.
It is not being religious but our failure comes
from not obeying and studying what God tells us
in His book, the Bible.
We all have “feet of clay” and we can not control what an ex-mate does or says.
Divorce is quite liberal in our land and part
of the reason is we refuse to study the Bible
and discuss/obey together this book.
Enough of this ranting. I still believe the
Good Book has answers to this and other problems in life. I am no better than my
adult sons.
Blessings, keep up the good work.
From the view point of this 40 yr old man of divorced parents, I’m thankful that I never had a family of my own. I would never risk putting children through it. With the frequence of Divorce so common place today it’s crystal clear we as a culture do not value marriage or family. Parents today are too damn concerned with their own needs and careers before the family.
There are NO WINNERS in Divorce, period. Our society devalues the family , Family courts controlled by the radical fems are one of the main problems. Regardless of what took place between my parents, my father was the equal creator of his children and was give every other weekend visits that was over 30 years ago. How more clearly can you say to a father, We the highest law of the land “Family court” No longer consider your services as a father required, just send the money.
Leading up to the divorce my father was at the top of his game in his white collar profession, had a house, wife, two kids and two dogs. After the divorce I knew my father very well, I knew him as a bitter man that never took care of himself, never worked in a white collar profession again and never dreamed another dream for the rest of his life. I always took my mother’s word that my father was just a weak man that he should have made a new life for himself. As I’m here in middle age and have been around the block a few times I understand what happen to my father. Some hurts run too deep and sometime you lose a huge part of who you were and are never the same.
Had the courts valued my father’s role as an equal parent giving him equal rights regarding his children I suspect I would have had a different man as a father.
I know that nothing lasts forever including love between couples. If your considering divorce, are divorced, know you will be or have already placed a scar on your child that will never heal, newer. That’s the real damage that you have done.
Maybe the “Women’s Groups” that receive a billion dollars a year of our tax money can use a portion of it for better use. Instead of maintaining the victim status, buying legislation, training the courts and police in pro-women/anti-male Ideology. Why not start with the kids. Why not develope programs starting in high school. Programs that can teach basic life skills. Negotiation & compromise with a partner, How to fight fair. correct communitations. The list is endless in relationship skills. In today’s culture it’s clear we do not have the basic tools and are learning them through trail and error in real time where the stakes are too high.
How dare fathers justify their reasons for abandoning their children. I haven’t seen my father in 22 years and tonight I am still wondering “Why doesn’t my dad love me?” I’ll be 30 next week. The pain will never go away.
Whoever wrote this crap isn’t a guy, and hasn’t dealt with the family court system first hand. First they hit you with child support, and if you’re “lucky” you get visitation with the children. If a woman screams “domestic violence” in this country, it don’t matter if its true or not… You might as well kiss you’re children good bye.
There are a lot of dudes in this country who can’t go near their children without fear of incarceration. It happened to my 2 brothers, my stepbrother, You don’t believe stuff like this can happen until you experience it first hand.
There is NO justification for a man just abandoning their child/children. If they love their kids, they should be in their lives and apart of their upbringing. I was married over 10 years to a military man who we “amicably” divorced. We did joint custody and he completely disappeared. After two years, my kids can count on one hand how many times, “daddy” has been around. He eventually left country and does not even bother to call for holidays or even send an email to communicate. Why? Who knows…but my children now grow up with that “abandoned” feeling within them and it hurts wondering HOW someone can just give up on their children.
Lori,
I understand what you mean. My husband and I of 10 years separated amicably and he barely sees or calls the kids. My kids are 6 and 2 years old. I get not wanting to be with me for whatever miscellaneous reasons men leave their wives, but I would never deprive my children from being around him. I feel my children’s confusion and pain. I wish that it was just me going thru it and not the kids. I can’t help but feel anger, victimized, confused, hurt, strong, weak, etc. in this unforeseen situation that I may get over in time, but unfortunantly my kids will probably have to live with this abandonment issue for life. I really thought that I took my time by waiting to find the right man to father my kids and I ended up being surprisingly wrong and regret my decision to this very day.
I am a divorced father. My wife cheated and left me after ten years of marriage. The judge in our case gave her custody and permission to move out of state. The option to reward me with custody never crossed the judges mind. Now after seeing my children every day of their life i am reduced to seeing them every other weekend and giving my adultress ex-wife almost half my income and half of my retirement. Where the hell is the justice? The judge rewarded her everything, even when she was the cheating and lying snake in the grass. Us fathers are left feeling helpless and cheated out of our childrens lives. We are just supposed to go along with everyones elses decisions no matter how it affects us or our children. I can see how fathers could abandon the whole sitiution. Courts and exes always shoving their one sided decisions down our throats. Courts are to busy worrying about mom getting enough child support. My children didn’t cost that much when they lived at home, so why the hell does it cost dad so much more when he is divorced? Women are always complaining about equall rights. We need to start complaining about equall rights in family law. You take a mans children and income from him and expect him not to get angry. If he does lash out, i don’t blame him one bit.
my parents divorced when i was 1 year old and i did not see my father again until i was 10.After that< i would see him maybe two weekends a year until i was maybe 13, then less frequently. Even as an adult i would go years without seeing him and now i am 51 years old and he has been dead for 5 years. i could never really talk to him as i did not really know him but i should have. Say what you need to say to them and dont let time go by, they abandoned you but you can make it better for yourself by taking the reins and controlling the situation. Time is short, dont wait, there is so much i wish i would havs said.
my parents divorced when i was 1 year old and i did not see my father again until i was 10.After that i would see him maybe two weekends a year until i was maybe 13, then less frequently. Even as an adult i would go years without seeing him and now i am 51 years old and he has been dead for 5 years. i could never really talk to him as i did not really know him but i should have. Say what you need to say to them and dont let time go by, they abandoned you but you can make it better for yourself by taking the reins and controlling the situation. Time is short, dont wait, there is so much i wish i would havs said.
My husband and I sperated a year and a half ago althought e marriage was really over years before. I convinced myself I would stay and try to make it work for the kids but the fighting was effecting them. My husband and I had a wonderful realtionship before the kids but once our children were born it was like he was jealous of them for the attention they got from me and the time it took away from them. He was harsh on them and while he had moments here and there he would be involved and be a good father, he really never seemed that interested in them. When we seperated he took it hard. He saw the kids whenever he wanted but would call numerouse times saying he was too upset to be around them and I would pick them up. Now he has become ectremely bitter as I have moved on withsomeone else. He stopped seeing the children and never calls anymore. The children dont ask about him but I think its because they just dont want to think about it. I dont understand how someone can be so sealfish as to punish their own children because they are upset with their ex spouse. As much as I have to bite my tonque I can honestly say I have never spoken badly to them about their father and never will but that really doesnt make it any easier on them. He may blame me for the end of the marriage but what he has done since is far worse.
ANd might I add not all ex wives who decide to end a marriage do so because of affairs etc. Sometimes, believe it or not, everyone is better off. My kids, all though they dont see their dad, are more relaxed, and see a better side of me. Im the marriage i was always tense, and walking on egg shells. They now have a better mother. Its unfortunate that their father cant step up. And for the men who refer to all ex wifes as theives who get child support, when we spend 14 years at home raising our children, doing your laundry, cleaning our house, and payig our bills, so you could persue your career and go golfing and because of that we can now only get a minimum wage paying job while you never help by taking your children, then damb right you have to help.
I was looking for any information about why so many fathers abandon their children and so far it seems that pride and selfishness are big reasons. It is extremely difficult to see the pain it causes my daughters and how it has affected them over the years. I didn’t end the marriage or fight for any extra money. In fact I went against my attorney’s advice and accepted the settlement my ex-husband offered so that things would not be ugly but it didn’t matter. He doesn’t make an effort to see them. A lot of men just don’t seem to have the love for their children that mother’s do and aren’t willing to make the sacrifices that come with raising children.
It is annoying to see so many women on this forum wanting it both ways, double standards to maintain.
The courts are the problem for this. Giving women-Custody, Child Support, Alimony, and the Fathers are reduced to visitations and money being extorted by the children mothers thru the courts. The decision by Judges is always biased in family court…This keeps the family lawyers and Judges employed.
Just for the record I did not disappear although for financial reasons found myself with no alternative then to relocate. I was in Alberta and now living in Ontario. I have tried for the last three years since my divorce to keep in contact with my children, there ages are 15,17,20, and 23. I have had the youngest two here during Christmas this past year and two years ago. Whenever I have been back to Alberta they always seem to be too busy to even take the time to meet me for dinner or anything else. I have kept in touch with them on a regular basis however rarely have I ever received a call from any of them. My relationship with them was great up until the divorce but now it seems it’s always me trying to stay in touch and they don’t seem to care to maintain contact with me. I so often hear about Dad’s who don’t keep in touch but seldom about the children who disappear from their Dad. Especially with older children, it is very hard for me to understand why they can’t pick up the phone and call me. It would be so nice to know they still think of me now and then. Action speaks louder then words. Shame on so many people who brand us deadbeat dads, from one who isn’t…me.
There is NEVER an excuse to abandon your kids. I don’t care how bad the divorce is. Your kids need you either way. You may be mad that you only get to see the kids every other weekend and have to pay child support, but if that’s the way the court ordered it, then you make the most of it. Visitation or money can always be renegotiated down the road. To blame the mom is irresponsible and selfish. You are paying child support for your kids. The money goes toward their food, clothes, activities, school, etc. It ensures that your kids will have their needs met and also ensures a good standard of living for them. That, with both parents making an effort to be the best parents they can, means happier and more well adjusted kids. Any parent who wants the best for their kids would want that. To abandon your kids because you are mad at the system or your ex is the worst thing you can do for them. Your spouse already divorced you, she can live without you. Kids need their fathers to be in their lives as a positive male role model and as someone that will always be there for them. There are plenty of divorced Dads out there that are great with their kids and would never abandon them. To say that you’re so hurt you can’t see them all the time so you just abandon them completely, doesn’t even make sense and is so detrimental to your kids. Don’t forget what’s important here. You’ll regret it down the road. You love your kids, you make it work.
My ex said I wanted full physical custody and by God he was gonna make sure I had it.
As a result he has not a care in the world about my financial well being.
Childcare is a barrier to employment for unemployed mothers. I am educated and willing to work. In this economy its nearly impossible to get FT day jobs.
When are men going to quit whining and start stepping up? I don’t ask for more money, I asked for text book divorce to save fighting but he thought I had him by the balls and he paid over $10K in legal fees to find out that I didn’t try to get much out of the divorce besides out.
Don’t I have the right to at least have my weekends free so that I can seriously go work at a job every weekend when my alimony pony ride ends this November??
My ex will not take the kids and because of that it is not really in their best interest to go.
It really sucks! SO many men don’t get to see their kids and I try to provide additional opportunities. I’m broke living off his child support I don’t have much extra funds for play or entertainment. And dating horny cheap men is not the answer to my life. So here I sit wondering why I have to prove why it is I should be able to work weekends with the kids in my exes care since I have not found a job in the past 3 years that is full time and affords the ability to pay out daycare.
What a self-centered and selfish attitude, this idea that “divorce is demoralizing for a man” so therefore it gives him the right to walk away from his children. My son has had one of those “ghost” dads for 11 years now. The man walked away when his only biological child was 13 years old. Less than a year later he married a woman with 3 kids and has lived happily ever after, never, EVER attempting to keep a loving relationship with his son. He never came to the kid’s sports games, never attended his high school graduation, never taught him to drive, never sent him even a dime above and beyond monthly child support.
Even when my son was in a desperate situation and needed BOTH parents to be there for him and support him, my ex- refused to step up to the plate and be a father to this kid.
He’s gone so far as to not even mention his son on his Facebook page. Sorry, but I care what kind of emotional pain he thinks he’s suffered because of a divorce, NOTHING, and I mean, NOTHING should ever stop a parent from being their for their children. I have been there through hell and high water, and believe me, I was traumatized by the divorce, too, but my child came first. I had to get over whatever pain I was feeling so I could be a mature, responsible adult and raise my son.
Anyone, male or female, who bails out of their child’s life is a worthless excuse for a human being. They just find it easier to disengage and not be involved.
Well it’s nice to know why after so many years why my father faded out of my life.He always paid child support but I barley saw my father growing up two maybe three times as I grew up and once I went to live with him after I graduated high school. But it was too late we were strangers and had little in come at that point but I got to know him as a person but never healed my relationship with him as my Daddy. As a Grown women now I finally have an answer to this question.He lost so much and he hurt so much to keep losing after every time he left, when I had thought I was the only one who hurt when He Left after every visit .But We Both Were. People can only take so much. My father never remarried or had other children.My mother had three more I would say My father and I were they real loser in that divorce.It was his fault he use to beat my mom and even now I am angry over what he did to her.But it been over 25 years and I am still broken hearted over my parents divorce. I am 35 they divorced when I was 7 and I still miss my family as screwed up as it was. So when I read about women that get divorced because she is not ‘happy’ and then get angry thather EX husband doesn’t want to support her.Just to see his kids because he doesn’t get too see them anyway my heartbreaks for thier kids. Adults act out and the kids pay the price. Same Stuff Different Day
Who says that women are the rightful parent to 100%, without fail, regardless, end up with the kids. Surely in a much more equal society women and men are on par when it comes to salary expectation and commitments. I know in Australia most women are tertiary educated and work well into their marriage and childs early years. I am divorced and my ex is an absolute cow….She gets off on using my beautiful daughter against me…..It is i think an intuitive and female trait when it comes to MOST women. . . they can’t get you physically but my word tey can destry you emotionally by using your child…..In this modern world surely the father should be able to get custody and have the part-time job and the ex wife pays child support. . . Why are we still living in the 50′s……I could quite easily give my high powered job up to take time in raising my daughter……She is the most important piece of my life….but instead I sit and contemplate every week to stop my 300 km round trip to see her every week because of the horrible torment dished out by my ex wife…..who yes also has a high powered job and leaves my daughter in child care constantly…….Equal opportunity is needed for the male sex….it is a female dominated world now…..
Why fathers leave
By Rev. Jesse Lee Peterson
One in three American children live in fatherless homes. One out of three.
This is a national disaster. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, Department of Justice, Department of Health and Human Services and the U.S. Census Bureau: 63 percent of all youth suicides; 71 percent of pregnant teenagers; 85 percent of all youth in prisons; 90 percent of all homeless and runaway children; and 71 percent of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes.
Those sobering numbers represent the “what” of fatherless homes. Perhaps you have heard some of these numbers before. But what you haven’t heard is the “why” of fatherless homes. There’s a reason you haven’t.
Why do fathers leave their children?
And why is society afraid to address the actual reason why men leave?
(Column continues below)
According to popular myth, men leave because they’re irresponsible and don’t care about their families. Yes, there’s a very small segment of the male population who are guilty of this, but for most American men this is not the case.
Most fathers don’t want to leave their children. They love their kids and want to be engaged in every aspect of their lives. Men hurt and feel pain when they cannot be with their kids. To suggest otherwise is not only insulting to men, it’s a bold-faced lie.
Society routinely degrades fathers. Men are typically depicted by Hollywood as inadequate and useless beings who are nothing more than comedic props.
According to a 1994 study of 500 women in Redbook Magazine, “only eleven percent of mothers value their husband’s input when it comes to handling problems with their children.”
In my work as a minister and counselor over the past 17 years, I’ve talked with countless couples and have noticed that women are angry and men don’t know how to deal with this anger. Everyone can see that “mom” has issues; the father knows it; the kids know it too. The mistake they make is reacting to this anger with their own anger and fear. The resulting inner pain causes men to overreact, and literally shift into a “fight or flight” response.
To avoid the inner and outer conflict, a man will leave his wife (or girlfriend) and his children.
Many women I counsel with and have interviewed on my radio and TV shows are quick to point out everything their man is doing wrong, but it’s rare to find one who will honestly admit that she’s screwed up the kids or that she’s driving her mate crazy.
It’s time that we look at the role women play in driving men out of the home and separating them from their children. That’s not to say that men don’t bear the brunt of the responsibility for their weakness. Men need to learn how to deal with women with strength and patience – this is love.
The role that women play in fathers leaving the home is never discussed on Oprah or written about in any notable publications. This is because women are viewed as innocent and harmless creatures. On the other hand, feminists have long perpetuated the myth that the straight, traditional American male is a Neanderthal.
Most women themselves don’t understand why they provoke and agitate their spouse to lash out or run away. They don’t understand the subtle control they have over weak men.
Men typically marry for love and to raise children. The mistake they make is that they’re looking for love from the wrong source. Men shouldn’t look for love from women. Rather they should find God’s love and pass that love down to the wife and children.
There’s an order to life: God in Christ, Christ in man, man over woman, and woman over children. When this order is broken or violated you have “hell” on earth.
In a relationship the man often has an unnatural need for his wife or girlfriend. He’s addicted to her approval and to her sex. The woman senses this wrong need the man has and she begins to test him. Often times, men find themselves giving in more and more in order to a receive her favor. Sometimes the demands of the woman become unbearable to the point that the man may lash out – I’m not saying this is right, but this is the reality. There’s been a deliberate plan to wipe out masculinity in society. When you wipe out the man you wipe out God, because the man represents God on earth. Then there’s no truth – no light – and no hope for the family.
God is the source of love – not the woman. When a man comes to understand this he develops the love and courage necessary to properly handle “the heat in the kitchen.”
And women must be willing to admit their role in driving fathers out of homes. They must learn to love what is good in their man and to resist hating his weakness – only then will there be peace in our homes.
I just had contact with my biological father who I saw one week each year and then he stopped contact with me just before my brother went to college so he didn’t have to donate a cent. My mother, stepfather and scholarships paid for my education instead. After 30 years of no contact on top of not being part of my life, he has the nerve to blame my mother and not once ever apologized to me that he didn’t make an effort to behave has a father. So, Rev. Peterson, in response to your so called “women driving fathers out of homes:”the relationship is supposed to be between the father and his children. After divorce, it is no longer the woman’s responsibility to “make” the relationship. How can you counsel men and not tell them that it is their job to form their own relationship with their children and that the child and the ex wife are not responsible for this. As a happily married woman, I find that I need to encourage my husband to have a relationship with his children. Am I to assume that this is just not in his makeup? This “man over woman” is bull. If it weren’t for the strength of my mother who had to deal with a loser ex-husband, I wouldn’t have had half a normal life. He was not responsible. He saw me and my brother once a year. ONCE A YEAR. I picked up the mandated child support from the mailbox which didn’t amount to much and never was there a letter to us. If it weren’t for my mother and stepfather and all of the relatives that helped pitch in, she couldn’t have done it. If you are a dad of divorce, you should NEVER stop trying. If you run into roadblocks, it’s your job to persevere. You didn’t divorce your kid and raising kids isn’t easy in normal circumstances. If they act snippy to you, it’s not because your ex is making them, more than likely, it’s a stage they are going through anyway and it’s also their way of showing anger toward being the victims of two adults who couldn’t figure things out. Perhaps Rev. Peterson, you need an education in psychology. Women do not drive men away. That’s saying that he had no power over his own actions or convictions. No one is responsible for your happiness-you are. If you are a father, it is your responsibility to figure out how to do your job as a father and not blame anyone for not doing it. And speaking of God, I believe, those loser dads, WILL have their day of reckoning and I can’t imagine God saying, “you screwed up your kid by not being there, you poor man, your ex-wife made you do it.” I do know one thing from contact with my biological father, my life is much better without him as he’s very messed up and needs help. I’m beginning to think this blog is a more to justify and enable absent fathers. I’m a mother of four and I will tell you that there is NOTHING easy about parenting and there are many many parents I see who love to run from their kids the first chance they get as they are always scheduling something for them to do so they don’t have to be around them but claim that it’s necessary for their educational development. I see many divorced parents happier because they get more free time vs. those of us who chose to stick it out. The parents who don’t have main custody behave like kids and are encouraged to focus on themselves. News to you-divorced or not-you have a kid, and the next 20 years are booked. Sorry if you didn’t realize this beforehand.
God is there to protect the children. They are the real victims. Keep that straight.