Divorce Without Dishonor

It’s unfortunate, but you had to see this coming. Britney Spears lost custody of her sons this weekend. A court commissioner awarded sole physical and legal custody of Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1, to dad, Kevin Federline, after Spears refused to return the children to Federline at the end of a court-monitored visit. Police were called and the pop-wreck, as the tabloids are now referring to Spears, was hauled off to the hospital by paramedics summoned by police officers at the scene. Police said there was no threat to the children during the three-hour altercation. Federline had previously been awarded temporary custody of their children when Spears defied previous court orders.

While it’s difficult to draw parallels between the lives of Hollywood’s elite and we mere mortals, Spears’ custody problems and parental misbehavior certainly serve as a worse-case example of what not to do. Her children may not have been physically endangered, but what about the emotional damage she is causing by failing to behave as a responsible parent, failing to maintain their safety, failing to work with their father to support them emotionally, and failing to cooperate with the court?

Children are resilient and her children are quite young, but using your children as a pawn in your divorce, fighting over custody in your children’s presence, and failing to consider your children’s needs, only further destroy your children’s fragile sense of security and feelings of love. Lately, Britney Spears isn’t doing herself, or particularly her children, any favors with her outrageous behavior.

A close friend died over the holidays and it struck me that we grieve for the loss of a marriage much like we do for the loss of a loved one. When I got divorced I went through the same phases of grief that you go through when someone close to you dies:

• Denial: This is not happening. It’s just a midlife crisis. We can work it out.
• Anger: What did I do to deserve this? How can he/she do this to me?
• Bargaining: If you stay, I’ll change. I’ll do anything if you’ll stay.
• Depression: I can’t bear this. How will I ever cope on my own?
• Acceptance: This is happening. I can do this and move on. I’m going to be okay.

When you get divorced, your marriage dies. Grieving for the loss of your spouse, your life together, unrealized hopes and dreams is normal and necessary. It helps to understand the emotional phases that you and your family will go through. It’s equally important to realize that each person will not proceed through these phases at the same rate. You or a family member may need professional help to successfully pass through each phase to achieve acceptance, but it is necessary to do so. Until you finish grieving for the loss of your marriage, you cannot begin to build a new life.

Collaborative divorce can help accelerate the grieving process so that you and your spouse can move forward with your lives more quickly.

KidsHealth is our website of the month. Click here for their Tips for Divorcing Parents. Sponsored by the Nemours Foundation, the site is actually three sites in one with landing sites for parents, kids and teens. The award-winning site provides accurate, up-to-date, jargon-free health information you can trust from doctors and medical experts. Here’s just a sample of what you’ll find:

Parents talks about children’s growth and development, emotions and behavior, infections, first aid and safety, doctors and hospitals, medical problems, positive parenting, pregnancy and newborns, etc. — everything a parent needs to know about his children’s health. There’s a what’s new feature that gives you the latest news and urgent warnings. You’ll find plenty of valuable common sense tips on helping with homework, getting your child to stop biting her nails, giving up the blankey, discipline that works, and much more.

TeensHealth has info on babysitting, driving, nutrition, recipes, sex, drugs and alcohol, fitness, etc. and a great Q&A section. It answers all those embarrassing questions teens are afraid to ask but desperately want to know the answers to.  The site is designed to be used by teens and presents information in a straight-forward manner.

KidsHealth talks about health issues on a kid’s level. There are fun questions, interesting facts, games, tips, even a section that explains grown-up health problems in kid-friendly language.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.