Divorce Without Dishonor

When you’re struggling with your own emotions, it may be difficult to see the emotional toll your divorce is taking on your children. Divorce threatens the security and emotional well-being of your children who are ill-equipped to cope with the onslaught of confusing emotions engendered by the break-up of the family home. Psychotherapist Dr. Paul Wanio suggests 5 essential steps parents can take to help their child cope with the emotions of divorce:

1. Tell your child that both of you love him and will always love him. Restore his sense of security by impressing upon him that you will always be his parents, will always love him, and will always take care of him.
2. Protect your child from excessive conflict and frustration at home. Don’t make disparaging remarks about your spouse in front of your child. Do not allow your emotions to get out of control. Your child needs to feel safe in his home and overwhelming adult emotions can be frightening. Listen to your child compassionately and explain situations he finds confusing.
3. Children often believe a mistake they made or naughty behavior caused their parents’ divorce. Reassure your child that the divorce is not his fault and that you love him. Do set limits for your child’s behavior, but not his thoughts and feelings. 
4. Encourage your child’s sense of self-esteem by showing him that your love does not depend on his behavior or actions. Show him that you love him for himself and because he is your child. If he is naughty, express disapproval with the action or behavior, not the child.
5. Help your child feel competent. Children need a sense of their own achievement. Give him opportunities to perform tasks independently. Allow him to make choices so he can feel trusted and capable. If your child regresses to a previous stage of development, don’t demean your child, but do provide him with extra love and encouragement. Such regression is generally temporary and will end as your child reestablishes his emotional equilibrium.