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A close friend died over the holidays and it struck me that we grieve for the loss of a marriage much like we do for the loss of a loved one. When I got divorced I went through the same phases of grief that you go through when someone close to you dies:
- Denial: This is not happening. It’s just a midlife crisis. We can work it out.
- Anger: What did I do to deserve this? How can he/she do this to me?
- Bargaining: If you stay, I’ll change. I’ll do anything if you’ll stay.
- Depression: I can’t bear this. How will I ever cope on my own?
- Acceptance: This is happening. I can do this and move on. I’m going to be okay.
When you get divorced, your marriage dies. Grieving for the loss of your spouse, your life together, unrealized hopes and dreams is normal and necessary. It helps to understand the emotional phases that you and your family will go through. It’s equally important to realize that each person will not proceed through these phases at the same rate. You or a family member may need professional help to successfully pass through each phase to achieve acceptance, but it is necessary to do so. Until you finish grieving for the loss of your marriage, you cannot begin to build a new life.
Collaborative divorce can help accelerate the grieving process so that you and your spouse can move forward with your lives more quickly.