Divorce Without Dishonor

When you’re struggling with your own emotions, it may be difficult to see the emotional toll your divorce is taking on your children. Divorce threatens the security and emotional well-being of your children who are ill-equipped to cope with the onslaught of confusing emotions engendered by the break-up of the family home. Psychotherapist Dr. Paul Wanio suggests 5 essential steps parents can take to help their child cope with the emotions of divorce:

1. Tell your child that both of you love him and will always love him. Restore his sense of security by impressing upon him that you will always be his parents, will always love him, and will always take care of him.
2. Protect your child from excessive conflict and frustration at home. Don’t make disparaging remarks about your spouse in front of your child. Do not allow your emotions to get out of control. Your child needs to feel safe in his home and overwhelming adult emotions can be frightening. Listen to your child compassionately and explain situations he finds confusing.
3. Children often believe a mistake they made or naughty behavior caused their parents’ divorce. Reassure your child that the divorce is not his fault and that you love him. Do set limits for your child’s behavior, but not his thoughts and feelings. 
4. Encourage your child’s sense of self-esteem by showing him that your love does not depend on his behavior or actions. Show him that you love him for himself and because he is your child. If he is naughty, express disapproval with the action or behavior, not the child.
5. Help your child feel competent. Children need a sense of their own achievement. Give him opportunities to perform tasks independently. Allow him to make choices so he can feel trusted and capable. If your child regresses to a previous stage of development, don’t demean your child, but do provide him with extra love and encouragement. Such regression is generally temporary and will end as your child reestablishes his emotional equilibrium.

It happens. Sometimes even grandparents divorce. After 30, 40 or even 50 years of marriage, whatever glue that held your parents together weakens and dissolves. While a grandparent’s divorce is not as difficult for a child as his own parents’ divorce, it is still traumatic. Here are some suggestions for helping your child cope with his grandparents’ divorce:

• Keep the lines of communication open between your child and his grandparents. Try to answer your child’s questions honestly without assigning blame.
• Don’t allow your children to become messengers for their grandparents. Your child may feel he is being asked to choose between his grandparents, causing conflicting feelings and undue stress.
• Share your own grief with your child. He needs to see that it is okay to feel loss and grief so he can understand and express his own emotions.
• Don’t force your child to talk about his feelings until he is ready. Each person processes grief in his own way and in his own time.
• Watch for significant or prolonged changes in your child’s sleeping, eating or playing habits. If your child exhibits pronounced changes or frequent moodiness over time, you should discuss his symptoms with his pediatrician.

Talking to your spouse about choosing a collaborative divorce instead of traditional adversarial litigation may take some convincing. Your spouse may not understand the benefits of collaborative divorce or may confuse it with mediation. In his/her anger or hurt, your spouse may not believe that collaborative divorce will be “fair” to them. Collaborative divorce is a newer concept, and your spouse may not even know that it is an option. 

In previous blog posts (see posts starting January 19), we’ve discussed the benefits of collaborative divorce and how to talk to your spouse. You may be surprised to find that your spouse is equally willing to embrace a divorce that avoids the emotional and economic toll of litigation, particularly if there are children involved. Your spouse may be relieved by your interest in a constructive, respectful, cooperative divorce that emphasizes productive conflict resolution, not conflict.

However, the skeptical spouse may take a little persuading. Try these suggestions to convince your spouse that collaborative divorce will benefit both of you:

• Prepare an information packet about collaborative divorce. If you have contacted a collaborative divorce attorney, they may have materials you can use. If your spouse is particularly angry or hurt, ask a trusted friend to pass along the information.
• Invite your spouse to call and talk to a collaborative divorce lawyer or coach. If you have selected a collaborative attorney, ask them to send an introductory letter and information packet to your spouse.
• Provide your spouse with a list of websites that discuss and/or offer collaborative divorce services. Give them the link to this blog and others you may have found helpful.
• Enlist the aid of your marriage counselor or your children’s counselor. First make certain the counselor is educated and can speak knowledgably about the process.
• Consider asking your church pastor or a close family member or friend to discuss the positive benefits of collaborative divorce with your spouse.

Continuing our previous post, today we talk about setting the stage for the actual discussion with your spouse about the benefits of collaborative divorce over traditional litigation. 

• Set a time to have the conversation with your spouse when neither of you will be rushed or distracted by other people or activities. Consider your spouse’s probable reaction. If you think your spouse might become angry, you may want to have the conversation in a public place. If the conversation is apt to make your spouse depressed, consider meeting at your counselor’s office. If you feel your spouse will want unbiased information, you might choose to meet at a collaborative attorney’s office where questions can be immediately answered.
• Before the conversation, take time to prepare yourself. Try to relax. Remind yourself to make “I” statements (I feel …, I think …) which are less inflammatory.
• Make every effort to remain calm during the discussion, even if you are provoked. If your composure starts to slip, leave the room for a moment until you regain control. Do make sure you return to complete the discussion.

Next time: What to do if your spouse needs convincing that a collaborative divorce will be a positive step for both of you.

Choosing collaborative divorce over traditional litigation carries many benefits but may not be something your spouse has considered. The way you choose to end your marriage can have lasting consequences for you, your spouse, your extended family and, especially, your children. Collaborative divorce emphasizes cooperation and building positive communication skills that will allow you and your spouse to be effective co-parents after the divorce. By addressing the individual needs of each family member, collaborative divorce can help you and your spouse move successfully beyond divorce to build satisfying new lives. (For additional benefits of collaborative divorce, read our January 19, 2008 post.)

Once you and your spouse have decided to divorce, you will want to prepare carefully before discussing your desire for a collaborative divorce. Preparation will help you discuss the issues calmly, keeping negative emotions like rage and guilt to a minimum. The following these ideas can help you prepare to have a positive discussion with your spouse:

• Consider your ethical, religious, spiritual and philosophical values. Focus on those that you believe will most help you have this difficult discussion, such as honesty, respect and dignity.
• Think about the conversation you want to have. Write out different “scripts” that emphasize the values you have chosen to focus on. Writing will help you choose the words you want to use and help you create a proper tone for the discussion.  
• Practice what you want to say, out loud or mentally. Find a comfortable way to express yourself.

To be continued in our next post.

Once you and your spouse decide to end your marriage, you must decide HOW to do so. Even if the break up of your marriage has been acrimonious, even if you and your spouse seem to view life from polar opposites, even if you no longer share the same goals or values, you might both agree to the benefits of collaborative divorce for different reasons.

Some reasons divorcing couples choose collaborative divorce include:

• A desire to protect your children from the emotional storm of divorce.
• A desire for both parents to maintain close contact with their children after divorce.
• The opportunity to implement creative solutions to child custody that address your unique family needs.
• A desire to establish a viable working relationship with your ex-spouse that will allow you to parent your children cooperatively.
• A desire to maintain good relationships with extended family members after the divorce.
• A desire for privacy.
• The opportunity for careful financial and tax planning.
• The desire to maintain one’s dignity and look back on one’s behavior during divorce without regret.

Choosing collaborative divorce over traditional litigation carries many benefits but may not be something your spouse has considered. Once the decision is made to end your marriage, the way you end it will have lasting consequences for you, your spouse, your extended family and, especially, your children. Guided by a team of experienced professionals dedicated to the cooperative process, collaborative divorce allows you and your spouse to respect each other’s differences, meet the needs of each member of the family, and build a workable system of communication and negotiation that will allow for effective interaction after the divorce. To find out more about collaborative divorce, click the link. 

Next time: Talking to your spouse about collaborative divorce.

You may not have hordes of paparazzi camped outside your door trying to capture your every move and utterance, ready to broadcast it to the world, but you might as well when you get a divorce. In most states, anyone can sit in the courtroom and watch and listen to your divorce hearings and trial. In fact, there are usually other litigants and attorneys in the courtroom waiting for their turn to be called before the judge. Then there are the people who just enjoy the drama of court, who sit in the audience hoping for a juicy tidbit to share with friends.

The majority of states put courthouse records online where personal information from your divorce is available to casual web surfers, data collectors, identity thieves and the media. With some exceptions, anyone can go to your local courthouse and view your complete court divorce file. Every angry word, every ill-considered statement, every embarrassing accusation, even your private financial information – if it’s part of your court record, it’s available for all to see — and use. Even if you and your spouse settle before you go to trial, as many divorces do, all the information entered into the court record becomes part of the court file and is available for public scrutiny.

Because it takes place entirely outside the court system, collaborative divorce files can never become part of the public record. When an agreement is reached, your collaborative attorney needs to file only the barest minimum of information required by law to record your divorce. To the maximum degree permitted by law, your personal affairs and information are protected and remain private. Something to think about.

Collaborative divorce is a positive step toward a new beginning. Collaborative divorce discards the old adversarial precepts of divorce for a cooperative, problem-solving emphasis that provides you and your spouse with the skills and resources to make a healthy transition from being married to being single. Collaborative divorce does not focus on “winning,” “getting mine,” “hurting him/her,” ”keeping the children to myself,” or any of the other hurtful, divisive objectives of traditional litigation. Instead, collaborative divorce emphasizes shared values and priorities, building consensus, resolving differences, effective co-parenting and moving forward.

Collaborative divorce is a positive choice because:

• It helps you and your spouse clarify and reach consensus on personal and shared values, goals and priorities.
• It allows for creative solutions to conflicts and issues that are beyond the normal purview of the court.
• It gives you and your spouse the negotiating skills and practice to resolve differences without destructive conflict and sets a positive pattern for post-divorce interaction.
• It focuses on the needs of your children and improves your ability to co-parent after the divorce.
• It lays a foundation for future healthy communication and interaction that will allow you and your spouse to move ahead with your new lives and not be mired in the acrimony of the past.

Divorce is tough on kids, but it is the parents’ approach to divorce that determines how tough. “It is not divorce, per se, that emotionally scars children,” says Rosalind Sedacca, a well-known proponent of child-centered divorce, in a recent email. “It is the parents’ approach to divorce that determines the positive or negative impact on the kids.” 

The process of collaborative divorce, which focuses on meeting the needs of the whole family, particularly the children, in an atmosphere of support and cooperation, can minimize the distress and emotional turmoil that divorce can cause. In many instances, collaborative divorce can be a healthier, happier solution than “staying together for the sake of the children.” Children who have grown up in an emotionally cold or combative household will tell you that they wish their parents had separated years ago. They agree that they would have been happier with two parents living separate but satisfying lives than living in the middle of “a war zone,” as one teen put it.

I’m not suggesting that divorce is the answer to your marital problems. I always suggest counseling as a first effort where appropriate. No one, particularly parents, should end their marriage precipitously. But if your marriage cannot be repaired, collaborative divorce can allow both you and your children to move forward with your lives in a positive way. The process of collaborative divorce can establish a basis for cooperative parenting that will allow you and your spouse to work together in the best interests of your children. Your children will successfully manage the changes divorce creates in their living situation when they grow up knowing they are loved and supported by both parents.

Child custody battles leave only casualties, no winners. Britney Spears’ problems last weekend are only the most recent example (see our January 7 post). Children need the love, support and involvement of both parents while they’re growing up. Sure, there are cases when one parent may not be capable of effective parenting or when a parent may actually endanger a child, but most of the time it is the anger divorcing spouses have for each other that muddies the child custody waters. Collaborative divorce can help parents set aside unproductive personal emotions and focus on their children. With the help of the collaborative divorce team, a couple can create a child custody agreement that provides for their children’s physical, emotional and financial needs while allowing both parents to maintain a close relationship with their children.

When children are involved in a divorce, the collaborative divorce team will usually include a child specialist. The child specialist works privately with the children to provide them with their own voice in the collaborative process. The child specialist is not a psychotherapist but a sympathetic realist who will help your children deal with the changes and challenges divorce will bring to their lives.

In talking with your children, the child specialist will gain important insights that can affect your custody agreement. She may be able to offer creative solutions to custody arrangements that will meet both your children’s and your needs. Should the collaborative process break down, like all members of the collaborative team, the child specialist, whose work is confidential, is enjoined from testifying for or against either parent in a court proceeding.