Divorce Without Dishonor

When you are convinced your marriage cannot be saved, before moving out or doing anything else, have legal separation documents drawn up by an attorney so you can best protect yourself in the upcoming trying and stressful times ahead.  Once those are completed and signed, if you are the one moving out, below is a tip sheet to help guide you through this next phase of your divorce:

•  If you are renting, have your name taken off the lease otherwise you may be held responsible for both the rent there and the rent in your new place.

•  Remove your name from all of the utilities (cable, phone, trash, electric, water, etc.) or you could be held responsible for them as well.

•   Forward your mail to a PO box, a close friend, or relative.  Don’t let your mail accumulate at your old residence.

•   Cancel or freeze all joint credit accounts because you are legally responsible for any debt that accrues.  Both of you should get separate credit cards.

•    Make sure to jot down all addresses, phone numbers, account numbers pertaining to things like mortgages, bank and credit card accounts, insurance policies, pensions, or any other financial arrangements you or your spouse might have or share.

•    Take with you a copy of all tax records of the last 6 years. 

•    List what is in the safety deposit boxes and take photos for your records.  Be sure to remove any personal items that are yours.

•    Pack up anything you own that you will want later or things you’ll need to set up housekeeping at your new place. This includes medication, clothes, shoes, pictures, family heirlooms, mementos, school and medical records, dishes, phones, cleaning supplies, your computer, office supplies, towels, bedding, sports gear, and outdoor equipment.  Remember that what you don’t take with you may not be accessible to you in the future.  If there is a disputed item, it is best to leave it there, take a photograph, and make a note that this is one you would like in the final settlement.

Some people think that a collaborative divorce is for the weak or for those who don’t have the guts to duke it out it court. This could not be further from the truth. It truly takes courage to forego the traditional divorce facilitated by the court system and try something different. It takes a lot of guts for two people to decide that they don’t want to fight, and that they’d prefer to come together and dissolve a marriage themselves.

When you go to divorce court, a lawyer speaks for you. When you embark on a collaborative divorce, you get to speak for yourself. The two sides make their own decisions about how things will end, rather than leaving it up to a third party.

A judge is supposed to be impartial, but we are all human, and none of us is free from bias. Plus, there is always part of the story that gets left out or overlooked. If the two people involved in a marriage are the ones deciding the terms to end it, they at least come to the table an awareness of all that has past between them. Who better than the people involved to decide the next steps?

When you and your former partner opt for a collaborative divorce you are putting yourselves in control of the timing of the divorce process.

If you go to court you are most certainly not in charge. The attorneys set court dates and these dates are set to fit their schedules, not yours. If you need extra time to think about an issue or find that things are moving too quickly, you may not be able to stop things once they get going. On the flip side, if your divorce case gets put at the bottom of the pile for some reason, you could find that the process in dragging when you really want to get some closure and move on with your life.

In a collaborative divorce, the couple can decide how to proceed. It is up to you to decided when the petition for divorce is filed. The process moves forward when the two parties involved agree and there is not third party there to impose restrictions.

A divorce is already painful enough without the added pressure of having to go through it on someone else’s timetable. Both parties will feel much more empowered when they are the ones overseeing the process.

In the spirit of Christmas, I would like to share with you the following email I received from a friend. It’s about compassion, love, humanity, helping those less fortunate than ourselves and the choices we make in our everyday lives.  

Have a Shay Day! 

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning-disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: “When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?”

The audience was stilled by the query. The father continued. “I believe that when a child like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped, comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.”

Then he told the following story:

Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, “Do you think they’ll let me play?”  Shay’s father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps.

Shay’s father approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, “We’re losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we’ll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.”

Shay struggled over to the team’s bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. His father watched with a small tear in his eye and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father’s joy at his son being accepted. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay’s team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay’s team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do the boys let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn’t even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball. However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay’s life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher.

The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game. Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman’s head, out of reach of all his team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, “Shay, run to first! Run to first!” Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled.

Everyone yelled, “Run to second, run to second!” Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right-fielder had the ball – the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team. He could have thrown the ball to the second baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher’s intentions; so he, too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman’s head. Shay ran toward third base as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home. All were screaming, “Shay, Shay, Shay, all the way, Shay!”

Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base and shouted, “Run to third! Shay, run to third!” As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams and the spectators were on their feet screaming, “Shay, run home! Run home!” Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate and was cheered as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team.

“That day,” said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, “the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world.”

Shay didn’t make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making his father so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!

I was touched by this story and the thoughtful words of the original sender: “We all send thousands of jokes through email without a second thought, but when it comes to sending messages about life choices, people hesitate. The crude, vulgar and often obscene pass freely through cyberspace; but public discussion about decency is too often suppressed in our schools and workplaces. We can all make a difference. We all have thousands of opportunities every single day to help realize the ‘natural order of things.’ So many seemingly trivial interactions between two people present us with a choice: Do we pass along a little spark of love and humanity or do we pass up those opportunities and leave the world a little bit colder in the process?”

A wise man once said, our society is judged by how we treat the least fortunate amongst us. It’s a good lesson for each of us and a good lesson to teach our children. Merry Christmas! Have a Shay Day!

The Secret by Rhonda Byrne is the latest pop culture guide to life. Read and talked about by everyone from Ophra to my sister, The Secret is said to reveal the most powerful law of the universe, to offer a life-changing path to universal joy and peace. Without judging the mysticism of The Secret, I find value in the author’s idea that there are certain words we can say to each other that have the power to change our lives for the better.

“Thank you” are the two words Byrne believes can bring you “absolute joy and happiness.” In The Secret Scrolls she writes that the words “thank you” are “Two words that will create miracles in your life…. Gratitude is one of the easiest and most powerful ways to transform your life.”

Saying “thank you” is one of the oldest and most common of social courtesies. We thank the grocery cashier for handing us our change. We thank strangers for holding the door as we enter a building. We thank the waiter at our favorite eatery for bringing our food. We say “thank you” to total strangers countless times a day. It’s a rote response, the automatic acknowledgment of common courtesy.

Yet, how often do we thank the people who matter most in our lives? How often do we thank our spouse for their contributions to the family? When was the last time you thanked your spouse for cooking dinner? When was the last time you said “thank you” when your spouse brought home a paycheck or sent the child support payment? Have you ever thanked your spouse for driving the kids’ carpool? What about for mowing the lawn, seeing that there are clean clothes in the closet, reading to the kids, helping with their homework, etc. Every day we do hundreds of things that show our love and support for each other and our families but most go unrecognized. We take the everyday actions of family life for granted.

Perhaps it’s time we afforded our families the same courtesy we give to strangers every day of the week. Starting today, recognize the contributions your spouse makes to family life. Say “thank you” for all the little ways they show their love and support. Acknowledge their efforts and show them how much you appreciate what they do. Make a conscious effort to say “thank you” for the small contributions as well as the big ones. It will make a difference and, I believe, will change your life for the better. 

Before most people divorce, one of the people generally moves out in order to avoid exacerbating the situation and to try and distance both parties from interactions that continue to plague the marriage.  It is the stage where the two people are not really married, but not yet divorced. 

If you are the person who has elected to move out or is thinking of it, you should be careful because moving out at this time, without a separation agreement might set a precedent for what is awarded in the divorce.  For example, if you own a home, do not give up your rights before divorce papers are drawn up! 

The first step in separating from your spouse, before doing anything, is to find out what the laws are in your state.  Although it is possible to do this on your own and draw up your own separation papers, it is advisable to consult with an attorney who can draw up the papers so you can best protect yourself. 

The reason for considering making a separation legal before making any specific moves is that this protects your with regard to child custody and support, taxes, and any new debts.   A legal separation also helps you set the stage for negotiating the final divorce settlement.  Both the states of Maryland and Virginia recognize the legal documentation of separation.

Holidays are stressful times for children and adults, particularly during divorce. With your own turbulent emotions, it can be especially difficult to cope with your children when they act out. Child-centered divorce advocate Rosalind Sedacca offers three tips for coping when your children act out.

1. Diffuse blame. It’s normal for older children, particularly pre-teens and teens, to blame one parent for the divorce. Sometimes blame is warranted (alcoholism, absent parent, domestic violence, etc.). Some children may side with the parent they feel closest to. Occasionally, one parent will bad mouth the other in an attempt to manipulate their children’s affections. No matter the cause, keep your cool. “In many cases blaming is a defense against feeling overwhelmed by the circumstances in your child’s life,” Sedacca explains. Be patient when you talk with your child. Tell them you love them and that you are sorry they are hurt. Your child is not rejecting you; he is expressing his hurt. Your compassion and patience will help your child cope.
2. Counter distress. Your child’s negative comments are his way of expressing his frustration and distress about the divorce. His critical comments are a distress call you need to answer. “This is a time to reinforce your comments about the key messages every child needs to hear,” says Sedacca: I love you. I will keep you safe. I will not leave you. You are not to blame.
3. Patient acceptance. The best thing you can do to help your child cope with divorce is to continue normal family activities, talk when they want to talk, hug and cuddle them, tell them every day that you love them. “Most importantly,” says Sedacca, “accept and acknowledge whatever they share with you as okay for them to feel.”

During the holidays we all want to make our children happy. But divorcing parents too often go off the deep end, crowding the tree with piles of presents to make up for the hurt and loss of divorce. During divorce, it’s hard not to fall into the “Disneyland Parent” trap, but it’s especially difficult during the holidays.

Every parent wants to be the good guy, the fun parent, the “Disney Dad” or “Disney Mom.” No one likes to play the heavy, but children need structure, boundaries and rules to feel safe. Parenting by guilt is unhealthy for both you and your child. If you give into your child’s every demand, he will keep pushing until he finally crashes into the proverbial brick wall, the big N-O. Children need to know where the boundaries are to feel safe, otherwise the world seems too overwhelmingly big and frightening.

You child doesn’t need a buddy, he needs a mom and a dad to take care of him and keep him safe. You can’t make up for the divorce by buying your child lots of presents. Things aren’t going to fill the hole in his heart. Disneyland may be a magical place, but it is a fantasy. You and your child live in the real world where dreams don’t always come true. But you can build new dreams and life can be fun and happy and whole again. Let your child know you love him by spending time with him, following the same family holiday traditions you’ve always enjoyed, and setting limits that make him feel safe and loved.

When their parents divorce, children are caught in the middle. They suffer from problems and decisions not of their making. They often feel it is their fault their parents don’t want to be together any more. They fear their parents will no longer want them or love them. A collaborative divorce can ease their suffering, assure them of their parents’ love, help them adjust more quickly to the changes that are occurring in the family, and help them accept the reality of their new life. 

A collaborative divorce can give your children:

• The reassurance that both parents will continue to love and support them.
• The continued love and support of both extended families.
• The structure and consistency they need to grow and develop.
• A voice in their future and a way to share their views and feelings with you.
• The ability to accept and handle positively changing family structures and activities, including new relationships you and your spouse may have after divorce.
• The opportunity to obtain a good education with many opportunities to explore and develop their talents and interests.
• The ability to share life’s accomplishments and milestones with both parents.
• Happiness, peace and love.

Christmas is a time to celebrate our children. If you and your spouse have decided to end your marriage, a collaborative divorce will help you focus on your children and work together to address their needs. Parenting does not end when your marriage dissolves. Collaborative divorce will give you and your spouse the skills you need to continue to work together for the benefit of your children.

Collaborative divorce offers couples many benefits over litigation. It is a kinder, gentler way to divorce that emphasizes respect and healing. A collaborative divorce helps you and your spouse understand and respect your differences as you separate. It assists you in discovering shared values and areas of agreement that will allow you to work together to raise your children during separation and after divorce. It helps you begin the healing process and rebuild your individual lives after divorce with greater understanding and confidence.

A collaborative divorce can help you and your spouse:

• End your marriage amicably and be able to maintain friendly contact with each other after divorce, particularly in matters involving your children.
• Agree on shared parenting goals and work together to parent your children effectively during separation and after divorce.
• Maintain your dignity and self respect during the divorce.
• Maintain contact with both extended families.
• Enjoy the continued friendship and support of joint friends.
• Honor what was valuable during your marriage.
• Allow you to forgive each other for your marriage’s failure.
• Heal from the divorce and build a new life with confidence.

Christmas is the season of forgiveness. If you and your spouse have decided to end your marriage, consider the positive benefits of a collaborative divorce.

Next time: What Collaborative Divorce Gives Your Children