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Given his less than responsible past behavior, who’d have thought Kevin Federline would become the poster boy for good parenting. But it seems that fatherhood has changed former playboy K-Fed. Details magazine recently named Britney Spears’ famous ex one of its 50 Most Influential Men Under 45. Federline, 29, is listed alongside Larry Birkhead in slot #7 as a Good Father.
In making the announcement, Details editor-in-chief Dan Peres said, “Here is a person who people think of as this universal joke who has oddly emerged as father of the year.” You might argue that anyone would look good next to Britney Spears’ abysmal parenting skills, but maybe we ought to cut the man some slack. Federline, a father of four, seems to be sincere in his efforts to take good care of his children. “To be a father is everything. It shows me how little I am,” he told the magazine.
The point I want to make here has nothing to do with the parenting skills of two of Hollywood’s most gossiped about celebrities. But their situation should make us think about our erroneous gender expectations when it comes to parenting. When a couple divorces it is too often assumed that the children, particularly young children, will be better off in their mother’s primary custody. Mothers are perceived as more nurturing, more loving, better able to care for their children’s needs. In court, dads often get the short shrift. Even in shared custody, a dad’s time with his kids is often relegated to weekends and a few holidays a year.
I know plenty of men who, despite their own longing for their children, accept this stereotype. It’s so ingrained in our society, dads doubt themselves and think it must be true that the kids will be better off with mom. I also know plenty of women, particularly career women, who love their children but find round-the-clock mothering personally smothering. Since both parents usually work after divorce, the stay-at-home mom scenario is a thing of the past. If the kids are in school and day care during work hours, why should it necessarily be the mom who picks them up and takes them home each night.
Fathers can be as nurturing as mothers. Primary custody be decided based on which parent has the ability and desire to care for the children, as well as the emotional and financial stability to provide for their daily needs. If you are getting divorced and must make decisions about the custody and care of your children, I urge you to be honest with each other and yourself. Don’t base your decisions on erroneous social beliefs, on what you think you ought to do or what other people will think. The only thing that is important is how you individually and together can provide the best possible care for your children. I believe that fathers are as equally qualified and suited as mothers to take the lead in caring for their children.
