Divorce Without Dishonor

Given his less than responsible past behavior, who’d have thought Kevin Federline would become the poster boy for good parenting. But it seems that fatherhood has changed former playboy K-Fed. Details magazine recently named Britney Spears’ famous ex one of its 50 Most Influential Men Under 45. Federline, 29, is listed alongside Larry Birkhead in slot #7  as a Good Father.

In making the announcement, Details editor-in-chief Dan Peres said, “Here is a person who people think of as this universal joke who has oddly emerged as father of the year.” You might argue that anyone would look good next to Britney Spears’ abysmal parenting skills, but maybe we ought to cut the man some slack. Federline, a father of four, seems to be sincere in his efforts to take good care of his children. “To be a father is everything. It shows me how little I am,” he told the magazine.

The point I want to make here has nothing to do with the parenting skills of two of Hollywood’s most gossiped about celebrities. But their situation should make us think about our erroneous gender expectations when it comes to parenting. When a couple divorces it is too often assumed that the children, particularly young children, will be better off in their mother’s primary custody. Mothers are perceived as more nurturing, more loving, better able to care for their children’s needs. In court, dads often get the short shrift. Even in shared custody, a dad’s time with his kids is often relegated to weekends and a few holidays a year.

I know plenty of men who, despite their own longing for their children,  accept this stereotype. It’s so ingrained in our society, dads doubt themselves and think it must be true that the kids will be better off with mom. I also know plenty of women, particularly career women, who love their children but find round-the-clock mothering personally smothering. Since both parents usually work after divorce, the stay-at-home mom scenario is a thing of the past. If the kids are in school and day care during work hours, why should it necessarily be the mom who picks them up and takes them home each night.

Fathers can be as nurturing as mothers. Primary custody be decided based on which parent has the ability and desire to care for the children, as well as the emotional and financial stability to provide for their daily needs. If you are getting divorced and must make decisions about the custody and care of your children, I urge you to be honest with each other and yourself. Don’t base your decisions on erroneous social beliefs, on what you think you ought to do or what other people will think. The only thing that is important is how you individually and together can provide the best possible care for your children. I believe that fathers are as equally qualified and suited as mothers to take the lead in caring for their children.

Children love to play games. Games can help children understand difficult concepts and talk about things that bother them. Earthquake in Zipland is a new computer game on the market designed to help children understand, talk about and cope with their parents’ divorce or separation.

Brought to my attention and recommended by colleague Rosalind Sedacca, Earthquake in Zipland is an interactive computer adventure game designed as a quest. The game is earning the praise of counselors and other professionals who work with children coping with divorce. Fun, challenging, creative and attractively designed, it’s a game you and your children can enjoy playing together or that your child can play by himself. 

Rosalind and I give Earthquake in Zipland our highest recommendation. Geared for children 7 to 12, the game can help children coping with divorce:

• identify and cope with situations that parallel those they are struggling with in their own lives; 
• distance themselves from personal experiences and approach feelings they tend to ignore such as anger, helplessness, blame, shame and loneliness;
• cope with both the separation and fantasy of bringing their parents back together;
• express painful feelings they have not been able to talk about; and
• learn to open up about their feelings in a non-threatening environment

Earthquake in Zipland may be the tool you’ve been looking for to help your children talk with you about the divorce and cope with their feelings. For more information on Earthquake in Zipland and to order, click the link.

With so many Hollywood stars setting a poor example of parenting after divorce (just read any story about Brittany Spears’ escapades), it’s comforting to see a celebrity couple putting their children first. Divorced celebs Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe have managed to rise above personal resentment for the sake of their children.

Just three months after their split, the couple was seen attending a school function together with their young children. Too often during divorce parents get caught up in their own emotional pain and fail to address the emotional and psychological needs of their children. This only adds to their children’s distress.

Divorcing parents need to make a concerted effort to set aside their differences and concentrate on their children when they are together. It is important to children that both parents attend school activities, programs, sporting events, recitals, etc. When you’re with your children, be respectful and polite to your spouse and keep the focus on the kids.

This is particularly important to remember as the holidays approach. You and your spouse should both join your children for school holiday programs, church activities, band and choral concerts — all those things that are important to your child during the holidays. It’s not as hard as you think. Just focus on the joy of being with your children and their excitement and joy in the holiday.

Curl up with a good book and get in touch with your feelings, so you can work your way through your divorce, and begin anew. Here are a few titles from Amazon that capture the breakthrough thinking that we embrace on Divorce Without Dishonor. We thought we would just mention a few titles, in case you wanted to hear a different voice.

Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, 3rd Edition (Rebuilding Books; For Divorce and Beyond) by Bruce Fisher (Paperback - Jan 2005)

The Divorce Organizer & Planner by Brette McWhorter Sember (Paperback - May 28, 2004)

The Truth About Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions So You and Your Children Can Thrive by Robert E., Ph.D. Emery (Hardcover - Aug 1, 2004) - Bargain Price

Your Divorce Advisor : A Lawyer and a Psychologist GuideYou Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce by Diana Mercer and Marsha Kline Pruett (Paperback - Feb 2001)

Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way by M. Gary Neuman (Paperback - Jul 27, 1999)

The Truth About Children and Divorce: Dealing with the Emotions So You and Your Children Can Thrive by Robert E., Ph.D. Emery (Hardcover - Aug 1, 2004)

The holidays can be particularly stressful for families coping with divorce. Of necessity, traditions, activities and gatherings change with divorce. Some things the family did as a unit may no longer include both parents or may no longer be financially feasible. New traditions may need to replace the old. The desire to share holidays with both sides of the family can add even more stress. A sense of loss and sadness often colors the last holiday before a divorce and the first few holidays immediately after. Our fantasy of the “perfect” holiday seems even more unobtainable during divorce.

That, of course, is the key to managing holidays during divorce. You must realize that no holiday is “perfect,” that the reality can never live up to the fantasy. There is no one “right” way to celebrate the holidays. If you want to have a pleasant holiday, decide what is truly important to you and your family and concentrate on those things.

Here are a few tips that can help you minimize stress during the holidays:

• Realize that you are not alone. More than half the marriages in America end in divorce.
• Take care of yourself. In order to relax and enjoy the holidays, you need to address your personal needs. Go for a walk, get a massage, visit the gym — do whatever makes you feel better about you.
• Live in the now. It is important to put your divorce behind you so you can move on. Try not to focus on what’s missing in your holiday, but on what is there.
• Put your divorce on hold for the holidays. Try not to make major decisions related to the divorce, watch your budget and don’t make any large financial commitments, try not to dwell on the divorce or fight with your spouse. Try to focus on the joy of the holidays and make this a happy time for your children.
• Have fun. Do things that make you laugh and smile. Spend time with family and friends. Build some good memories with your children.

As you consider whether or not to embark on a collaborative divorce process, leave the past behind and look at the present and the future.

For the present, opting for a collaborative divorce can help reduce stress. Studies have shown that bad marriages and marital strife contribute to heart problems. If arguing with someone you are married to can have a negative effect on your health, just imagine what a contentious divorce can do to you. Ending the marriage may be a step toward improving your quality of life, but if you tax your health by battling throughout the process, you will wind up feeling exhausted before your new life has begun.

What you do today is laying the groundwork for your life years from now. The stresses of a bitter divorce not only poison the present, they can leave a legacy of regret in the future. Like it or not, you will remember the end of your marriage no matter how much you try to keep your mind off of this topic. Rather than groaning inwardly, you can remember how you decided to empower yourself by avoiding the negativity of a nasty divorce.

Choosing a collaborative divorce can give you a calmer today and tomorrow.

“There are no absolutes in raising children. In any stressful situation, fathering is always a roll of the dice. The game may be messy, but I have never found one with more rewards and joys,” says comedian Bill Cosby, a father of five.

In anything decision they make or action they take in parenting their children, parents have a 50% chance of being right. Here are some important things a father needs to know about parenting:

• Fathers are one voice. Fathers are only one of many influences in their child’s life. Mothers, grandparents, teachers, siblings, friends, musical lyrics, video games, television and movies all vie for a child’s attention. Fathers may be only one voice among many, but they are an important and influential voice.
• Parenting is ever-changing. The demands of fatherhood are different at different ages. As a child moves through life from infancy to adulthood, his emotional, social and psychological needs change. Parenting must change with the child to meet the needs of the moment.
• Children are different. Each child is unique. Parenting techniques that worked effectively for your first child may not work with his brother or sister. To be effective, parenting must change not only with the child’s age but with his unique personality, interests and abilities.
• Freedom is challenging. One of the greatest challenges for parents, and particularly fathers, is determining when they’re ready and how much freedom to give your child. The ability to act responsibly on their own varies greatly with age and from child to child. Children need to learn to take risks and act on their own, but within limits that will protect them. You need to cut the apron strings, but you also need to hold the safety net. It’s a balancing act in which fathers play a major role.

In America we are approaching a time when 50% of our children will live without a father in the house. Many of these children will see their father infrequently, if at all. Many will grow up without experiencing a father’s daily love. Sons will grow up without a father to show them how to become a man. Daughters will grow up without knowing a man’s love. Without a father to model and interact with, children will not learn how to be a father, what a man should bring to a relationship with a woman, or what a husband should bring to a marriage. An important part of their development will be missing.

Traditionally, the role of the man in the family is to be the provider, the bread-winner, the worker. Today, the father’s role in the family is changing. Just as mothers share economic responsibilities to the family, fathers share in the nurturing of their children. Fathers teach their children about life, serve as a moral model, and provide a model for adult relationships between men and women. Fathers have important life lessons to impart to their children. Many sociologists and psychologists say that it is important, even essential, to a child’s successful development within society that children have the opportunity to learn these lessons from their fathers.

I hear them briefly through thin wire.
Their smell is gone from the pillowcases.
A visit this weekend will provide another snapshot, a touch
Will we ever share the same ground?
When will I ever be allowed to tell them stories over campfires of past warriors?
O great spirit, give me strength to keep trying, for I love them so.

Anyone who doesn’t understand the pain divorce causes fathers has only to read this desperate plea by Douglas MacKay, a divorced father of three in Connecticut. I ran across this prayer in The Divorced Dad’s Survival Book: How to Stay Connected with Your Kids by David Knox with Kermit Leggett.

With more than half the marriages in America ending in divorce, the number of single-parent homes is increasing. Of the more than 20 million children who live in single-parent homes, 85% live with their mother. Since courts traditionally award custody to mothers, many of these children see their fathers only a few times a month, if at all. After divorce, the amount of time dads get to spend with their children plummets from 100% to less than 25%.

"The percentage of American children living apart from their biological fathers will reach 50% in the next century," predicts Rutgers University sociologist David Popenoe. "Think about it. Half of all children without fathers to say good night to them. Many, when asked who their father is, will answer, ‘I don’t have one.’"

What is this doing to America’s children? We’ll talk about that next time.

Divorce coaches are important members of the professional team that assists divorcing spouses in a collaborative divorce. Each spouse retains his/her own divorce coach. The primary role of a divorce coach is to help each spouse deal with the emotional impact of divorce in a positive and effective way.

Mental health professionals with specialized training in collaborative law, divorce coaches help their clients refocus emotion-based thinking so they can make effective decisions and set positive goals that will benefit the entire family, particularly the children, both during and after divorce. Unlike a therapist who works to uncover the source of a problem, the divorce coach is a problem solver who empowers you to act.

Fear, anger and a desire for retribution or revenge are normal emotions when a couple divorces. Unfortunately, out-of-control emotions create huge stumbling blocks to resolving divorce and child custody issues. A divorce coach can help you understand, accept and refocus your emotions into a positive plan of action.

Generally, each spouse meets with his/her divorce coach separately before and/or after collaborative team meetings. Coaches may also accompany their clients to team meetings. A divorce coach can help you:

• determine and stay focused on achieving your goals,
• sort out your emotions and separate them from the decisions you need to make,
• teach you effective self-management techniques that can help you express yourself more effectively when talking to your spouse,
• teach you effective negotiation techniques that can help you achieve your goals,
• provide effective problem-solving tools to promote positive communication with your spouse and reduce misunderstandings, and
• assist you in developing creative solutions to emotionally charged issues.

A divorce coach can help you develop effective communication, negotiation and problem-solving skills that can help you in future communications with your spouse and can be invaluable as you parent your children after divorce.