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Having the "divorce talk" with their children is one of hardest things a parent has to do when they decide to divorce. In our last post we talked about some of the important messages you need to give your children. But how you talk to your children is equally important.
Most families move through the day at breakneck speed. In the morning everyone is rushing about to brush teeth, grab breakfast, pack lunches, let the dog out, find homework and get out the door to work and school. After school it’s another rush from soccer practice to piano lesson to gymnastics to scouts; the carpool dash often running well past the dinner hour. The evening is filled with homework, dishes, laundry, baths, storytime and — finally — bed. And the next morning it starts all over again!
It’s not too surprising then that we rarely seem to have time for quiet conversations with our children. "Too often busy parents find themselves talking at their children, but not to them. And most especially, not with them," says therapist Rosalind Sedacca in a post on the website Child-Centered Divorce. (Click the link to read her article.)
In any family setting this can be a challenge, but when your family is struggling through a divorce, the ability to talk to and with your children is essential. Here are some important things to remember when you talk to your children about your divorce:
- Be age appropriate. A younger child needs, and can handle, a much less detailed and involved explanation than a teen.
- Be honest. You child needs to know he can trust you and what you tell him. If you don’t know the answer to his question, tell him so.
- Take time. Don’t rush when your child has questions or wants to talk. Stop what you’re doing and sit down together. If you can, talk to your child immediately. Often children’s questions are short, and they may forget what they want to ask or say if they have to wait. If you really can’t make time at that moment, set a time later in the day to talk and make sure you don’t forget.
- Listen. Really listen to what your child is asking or has to say. Don’t jump in with what you think he wants to know or what you want to tell him. Let him speak and make an effort to respond to what he says. Allow your child to express his fears and opinions. He needs to know it’s OK to talk to you about these things.
- Don’t insult, criticize or make negative remarks about your spouse. You and your spouse will always be your child’s parents, and your child needs the love and support of both his parents. Your child will cope with your divorce more successfully if you shield him from the adult issues involved.
Unsure of how to start a dialog with your child: Sedacca has some excellent advice: "Share some of your own feelings and experiences with life
