Divorce Without Dishonor

Having the "divorce talk" with their children is one of hardest things a parent has to do when they decide to divorce. In our last post we talked about some of the important messages you need to give your children. But how you talk to your children is equally important.

Most families move through the day at breakneck speed. In the morning everyone is rushing about to brush teeth, grab breakfast, pack lunches, let the dog out, find homework and get out the door to work and school. After school it’s another rush from soccer practice to piano lesson to gymnastics to scouts; the carpool dash often running well past the dinner hour. The evening is filled with homework, dishes, laundry, baths, storytime and — finally — bed. And the next morning it starts all over again!

It’s not too surprising then that we rarely seem to have time for quiet conversations with our children. "Too often busy parents find themselves talking at their children, but not to them. And most especially, not with them," says therapist Rosalind Sedacca in a post on the website Child-Centered Divorce. (Click the link to read her article.)

In any family setting this can be a challenge, but when your family is struggling through a divorce, the ability to talk to and with your children is essential. Here are some important things to remember when you talk to your children about your divorce:

• Be age appropriate. A younger child needs, and can handle, a much less detailed and involved explanation than a teen.
• Be honest. You child needs to know he can trust you and what you tell him. If you don’t know the answer to his question, tell him so.
• Take time. Don’t rush when your child has questions or wants to talk. Stop what you’re doing and sit down together. If you can, talk to your child immediately. Often children’s questions are short, and they may forget what they want to ask or say if they have to wait. If you really can’t make time at that moment, set a time later in the day to talk and make sure you don’t forget.
• Listen. Really listen to what your child is asking or has to say. Don’t jump in with what you think he wants to know or what you want to tell him. Let him speak and make an effort to respond to what he says. Allow your child to express his fears and opinions. He needs to know it’s OK to talk to you about these things.
• Don’t insult, criticize or make negative remarks about your spouse. You and your spouse will always be your child’s parents, and your child needs the love and support of both his parents. Your child will cope with your divorce more successfully if you shield him from the adult issues involved.

Unsure of how to start a dialog with your child: Sedacca has some excellent advice: "Share some of your own feelings and experiences with life

Telling your children you’ve decided to get divorced is a difficult task. It’s hard to find the right words to say and even harder not to let your own anger, hurt,  fear and disappointment color your words. But how you tell your children that mom and dad won’t be living together anymore can make a significant difference in their own ability to accept and adjust to the divorce.

How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love! is an innovative aid developed to help parents talk to their children about divorce. Developed by therapist Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, after divorce forced her to have this conversation with her own children, the book guides parents in creating a personalized photo album-style book to use when they talk to their children about their divorce.

Fill-in-the-blank templates for creating a personalized story with age-appropriate text are provided with Sedacca’s informative book for parents, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? The book answers parents’ questions and helps them find the appropriate words to say to their children.

Sedacca says the six essential messages you must give your children when you tell them you are getting divorced are:

1. You are, and always will be, loved by Mom and Dad.
2. You are, and will continue to be, safe.
3. You are not to blame for any of this.
4. Mom and Dad will still always be your Mom and Dad.
5. This is about change, not about blame.
6. Everything is going to be okay.

How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? is a valuable guidebook for parents. This book will help you find the right words to use when talking to your children about your divorce. I recommend it. For more information on How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? by Rosalind Sedacca and the companion Create-a-Story guide, click here.

Divorce and financial stress seem to go hand-in-hand. Despite new laws enacted in 2005 that tightened the requirements for bankruptcy, many people still see it as an easy way out of crushing financial debt. Unfortunately, some spouses also believe bankruptcy will allow them to escape their spousal or child support obligations during and/or after divorce.

The 2005 Bankruptcy Abuse Prevention and Consumer Protection Act closed most of the loopholes that used to affect the unfair discharge of family obligations. Debtors seeking protection under bankruptcy laws must now meet a means test tied to income and debt which limits their filing choices. (Click here for a rundown on the various types of bankruptcy and how the process works.) Today, it is extremely difficult for debtors to evade their spousal and family responsibilities. Under the 2005 act, domestic support obligations cannot be discharged and must be considered a first priority claim.

There are still opportunities for abuse, however; and the prudent person will seek legal counsel if their spouse or ex files for bankruptcy. For example, secured debt receives precedence in bankruptcy proceedings, after which there may not be enough money left to fully pay non-secured debts, even first priority claims. And while a bankruptcy stay (period of time during which creditors cannot act against the debtor) no longer applies to support, domestic violence and custody matters, it does delay the distribution of property and assets.

Despite protections provided under the new 2005 act, if your spouse or ex files for bankruptcy, you should seek legal counsel to protect your rights as a creditor. You should obtain copies of your spouse’s bankruptcy schedules which disclose income, property, etc. Your attorney may need to file adversary complaints or proofs of claims to protect your interests. Under one bankruptcy plan, a debtor can still escape paying accumulated support arrears. If bankruptcy proceedings impact your divorce, it is important to consult an attorney to protect your interests and those of your children.

Marlene Browne, author of Boomer’s Guide to Divorce and The Divorce Process: Empowerment Through Knowledge has written an interesting article on the changes in bankruptcy law. To read the article on Forbes.com, click here.

Abuse is a powerful word. Domestic violence is a serious issue and growing concern in our country (see our previous two posts). Yet there is the temptation to misuse "the abuse card" in child custody cases. When domestic violence laws were enacted, lawmakers didn’t expect parents to claim abuse or exaggerate abusive behaviors to "punish" their spouse and gain exclusive custody of their children, but that is what happens too often in family court.

It’s easy to understand given the hurt, anger and volatile emotions generated during divorce. Even though not physically abused, one party may feel emotionally bereft and characterize this as abuse. It’s a fine line easily crossed and fed by anger and guilt. Our adversarial approach to divorce doesn’t help matters. Too often attorneys set on fixing blame and gaining the best settlement possible for their client will fan the flames, declaring certain behaviors abusive that in less emotional settings might be seen in a less volatile light. Not only do such actions undermine the safety of those who truly need protection under the domestic violence laws, but they are unfair to your children.

Domestic violence laws should not be used as a quick method for resolving child custody disputes. These laws are not there to provide one parent with a tactical advantage over the other. Parents who attempt to abuse these laws are not acting in their children’s best interests and may find themselves at a disadvantage with the court.

If such allegations are deemed to be unfounded or grossly or intentionally exaggerated, a skilled attorney will easily be able to show that the accusatory parent, if he or she were awarded custody, would in all likelihood attempt to alienate the children from the other parent. In determining the best interests of the children with respect to custody and visitation, one of the important factors that the judge considers is which parent will better promote normal family relations. Children are entitled to the benefit of both sides of their family, including grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. Judges realize the importance of the support provided by the extended family and are generally unwilling to deny this to the children simply by virtue of a custody decision.

It is important to realize that animosity between a divorcing husband and wife most often does not extend to their children. The reasons for a failed marriage have everything to do with the dynamics of the spousal relationship, but little to do with a person’s ability to be a kind, caring and loving parent. False or grossly exaggerated claims of abuse leave deep scars that will affect the entire family for years to come. They do nothing to promote future trust or the cooperative attitude necessary to effectively parent and raise your children after the divorce. They deny your children the support and comfort of one of the two most important people in their lives. Care should be taken to report instances of abuse or domestic violence in a factually accurate manner. The "abuse card" should not be played to punish your spouse out of hurt or anger. In the end, the ones you hurt most will be your children.

For more information on divorce, domestic violence and child custody, click here to visit my website. 

Every 15 seconds a woman is beaten in a domestic dispute somewhere in the U.S. according to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence. That’s four broken noses every minute, 240 cracked ribs every hour, 5760 bruised and battered women every day. For many, the only way to end the cycle of abuse is to divorce the abusive spouse and try to make a new life.

Too often battered women are afraid to leave their spouse or partner. They fear for themselves and for their children. They are so beaten down that they no longer have the emotional stamina to escape. (I realize that sometimes women are the abusers; but far more often it is the physically dominant male who inflicts the damage.) If you know someone who is in an abusive relationship, help them get the help they need right now, today.

Whether you are married or not, legal protection and prosecution are available to help you if you are being abused. On my website, I provide a step-by-step plan of action: what you need to do if you are being physically abused. Click here to find out what you should do and what you can expect from the police and the court system. There are also many agencies in Maryland that are dedicated to helping abused and battered women and their families. Click here for a list of domestic violence resources.

Not everyone will choose to divorce an abusive spouse, but every woman who is the subject of domestic violence should take steps to protect herself. If the abuse is triggered by alcohol or drug addiction, there is some chance that treating the addiction may end the abuse; however this can take months or even years.

Before you make a decision about the future of your marriage or relationship, you must first make sure that you and your children are safe. Get out, get away, get somewhere safe and take advantage of every legal protection available. Once you are safe, you can decide about the future. 

Next time: When parents play the abuse card to win custody.

Whitney Houston was on top of the world. With her powerful voice and tremendous vocal range, the Grammy winner’s songs played at the top of the charts. She was in demand as a singer, actress and model. Then she married Bobby Brown in 1992 and  her life started to unravel.

Their marriage was volatile; charges of infidelity, sexual misconduct, anorexia, drug abuse and spousal battery didn’t take long to surface. For years Houston practically disappeared from public view, her name surfacing occasionally in lurid tabloid headlines. Her reputation and career in tatters, Houston finally entered a drub rehab program in 2004 and again in 2005, this time successfully. Finally, in late 2006 Houston divorced Brown, gained sole custody of their teenage daughter and started to piece her career back together. Looking healthy and vivacious, Houston has made a few non-singing appearances this year and a new record is in the works. "The Voice" is back. (For more info on the Houston-Brown marriage and divorce, click here.)

Many marriages follow the same path as Whitney Houston’s to Bobby Brown, admittedly without the glitz, glam and paparazzi. Often during courtship you’re swept off your feet by sweet beauty or suave gallantry. But once the honeymoon is over, the spouse you thought you knew starts to show a few cracks in the polish.

While learning to accept each other’s foibles is part of marriage, there is no room for abuse. An abusive spouse crosses the line of "for better or worse" and morally negates the wedding vows. If you have an abusive spouse, do not risk your life another day. See a divorce attorney today.

Next time: Divorcing an Abusive Spouse.

We are a litigious nation. "I’ll sue you," is an often heard refrain. Certainly there is a necessary place for litigation, even in divorce cases. But what many divorcing couples fail to realize is that they can retain better control of their settlement and their expenses if they can come to agreement outside of court.

Anger, hurt and rejection drive the desire for revenge when parties divorce. Dramatic trials on television and in the movies make us think we can exact our pound of flesh in court. We envision our attorney standing up before a jury like Alan Shore (actor James Spader) on ABC’s Boston Legal. All our fantasies will come true. We will be vindicated and our errant spouse vanquished!

Well, life just isn’t like that. Most divorce and custody cases are heard and decided by a judge. Theatrics and melodrama don’t play in most courtrooms. Your attorney presents your side, your spouse’s attorney presents his/her side, and the judge decides. You cannot control the judge’s decision which will be primarily based on the cold facts of the law. Often you receive a decision which, while correct under the law, may not feel morally right to the individuals whose lives have just been forever changed. For this privilege you pay. A family court trial is a lengthy and expensive process.

What couples caught up in the emotional turbulence of divorce fail to realize is that in most cases a trial judgment will not give them everything they want. Each party is likely to win on some issues and lose on others, and they will have no say in which is which. If a couple can set aside their animosity and come to agreement outside of court, they can maintain control of their settlement. Each party will still have to compromise. Neither individual will get everything they want, but each is much more likely to get the things that are truly important to them. If children are involved, an out-of-court settlement, is more likely to result in a custody arrangement that both parties can live with.

Collaborative family law developed to help couples come to divorce and custody agreements outside of court. The divorcing parties, rather than the court, maintain control over the settlement and custody decisions. Cooperation and compromise are necessary which may make this a difficult choice for some couples. But attorneys and a team of professionals dedicated to the collaborative process work with the couple to help them communicate effectively and respectfully as they resolve their issues.

So before you hire a trial attorney to take your divorce to court, ask yourself, "Am I willing to spend more money and seriously risk losing things that are important to me? If your answer is "no," you should give collaborative divorce serious consideration.

The sad and bizarre tale of Britney Spears’ fall from grace hit a new low last week when the court awarded custody of their two children to father Kevin Federline. Blogs and websites went into overdrive speculating on whether the judge acted in the children’s best interests, whether Federline will be a good dad, and whether Spears even wants her children.

No matter how you feel about Spears and Federline personally — according to the entertainment press, both have had their problems with drugs, lifestyle choices and personal responsibility — Spears’ recent conduct deep-sixed her chances in court. After Spears repeated ignored Judge Scott Gordon’s orders for drug tests, parenting classes and therapy, the judge awarded full-time custody of the couple’s two children — 2-year-old Sean Preston and 1-year-old Jayden James — to Federline.

A divorced father, myself, I can’t share the angst and agony being expressed on the internet about the children being taken from their mother. Federline may or may not turn out to be a good dad, but he has certainly exhibited more responsibility toward his children than Spears. Too often in divorce the abilities of fathers to successfully care for their children is overlooked in favor of the mother.

Many people and some lawyers believe that collaboration and mediation are the same thing. Though there are similarities, each process is distinctly different and offers divorcing couples different options in separating their personal, family and financial relationships.

In our October 10, 2007 post, we defined collaboration and mediation as two distinct processes. Let

Many people think mediation and collaborative divorce are the same thing. Some members of the legal community may even indicate there is not much difference between the two. While it is true that collaborative divorce practice has its roots in mediation, it is a distinctly different process.

What is mediation? In mediation, a neutral third party helps a couple define their areas of disagreement, then leads them to draw up a legally-binding agreement. The mediator directs and controls the meetings which generally involve only the mediator and two disputing parties. The mediator cannot provide legal advice or advocate for either side but parties may hire and consult their own attorneys between mediation sessions.

Sometimes a divorcing couple chooses mediation, other times mediation is ordered by the court and may be limited to a particular issue. Mediators receive special training and are regulated by each state. Agreements reached in mediation are legally binding and entered with the court. A mediator is forbidden to reveal what was discussed during mediation and cannot be called as a witness should the mediation process fail and the case go to court.

What is Collaboration? Collaboration is a team process in which both parties and their respective lawyers meet together in four-way meetings to cooperatively resolve divorce issues. Each attorney advises and supports their own client, but they may also speak to each other during the process. The couple work together to develop an equitable agreement that meets the needs of all parties, particularly the children.

Meetings rely on the voluntary and free exchange of information and emphasize respect, cooperation, honesty and professionalism. There is emphasis on developing positive communication skills as a basis for future contact. Additional advisers such as financial or child specialists may be hired jointly to advise all parties. There is no timeline and parties may meet as frequently and for as long as it takes to arrive at agreement.

Collaborative lawyers and team members receive specialized training and many subscribe to the ethics of the International Academy of Collaborative Professionals. In addition, collaborative lawyers must have practiced family law for a minimum of 5 years. Agreements reached through the collaborative process are registered with the court and become legally binding. Should the collaborative process fail, the attorneys and advisers are prohibited from representing either party in court.

Next time: Collaborative Divorce vs Mediation: What IS the Difference?

For more information on both collaborative divorce and mediation, click here to visit the Family Law section of Michael Mastracci