Divorce Without Dishonor

When a couple gets divorced, friends and family often seem shocked. "But you seemed so happy," they’ll say. What they aren’t aware of are the long years of unhappiness, dissatisfaction and conflict that have brought a couple to the decision to divorce. Divorce doesn’t happen overnight; it may just seem that way to your friends.

There are many reasons a couple decides to dissolve their marriage. Perhaps they were never well suited for each other. They may have outgrown each other emotionally. The marriage may not have been flexible enough to adjust to the stresses and changes that occur with parenthood, jobs or aging.

The decision to end a marriage is rarely impulsive. Most couples endure years of unhappiness before calling it quits. They may internalize or deny their feelings. They may become angry or violent. They may try marriage counseling.

Often the adversarial nature of the U.S. divorce system brings out the worst in divorcing spouses. Two people who once chose each other and, for a time at least, loved each other release years of frustration, pain and sadness in a flood of anger and revenge. It simply isn’t healthy — for you, your spouse or your children.

It doesn’t have to be that way. A couple can divorce without dishonor in a way that maintains respect for both individuals. Before you can do that though, you need to explore and reflect on how you reached the point of divorce and what you want for the future.

In our next several posts we’re going to explore the four basic principles of divorce:

1. Divorce is the result of years of unhappiness.
2. Spouses don’t usually reach the decision to divorce at the same time.
3. Staying together for the sake of the children does not work.
4. For parents and children, divorce is a form of death.

Actions speak louder than words, and they tell fewer lies.

Divorce is a time of high emotions. Your known world is crumbling and you are struggling to salvage what you can. Your emotions will alternately soar and plummet and may lead you into some common traps. Knowing about and avoiding these traps will help you to weather the divorce more successfully and rebuild your life more quickly.

• Guilt trap. It is normal to feel guilty. You may feel guilt that the marriage is ending, that you have disappointed your parents, that you are causing your children pain, that you won’t be taking the dog for any more walks — the list of things divorcing people feel guilty about is endless and sometimes even ridiculous. The trap is in acting on your guilt. Do not jeopardize your own financial future by giving your spouse a greater share of the marital property and equity simply because you feel guilty about the divorce. You will need capital with which to rebuild your life too. Do not become the Sugar Daddy Dad who buys his children everything they ask for to assuage his guilt. Your children don’t want things; they want your time and attention. You cannot buy your way out of guilt. Acting out of guilt will only make matters worse, not better.
  How to avoid the trap: Work on your feelings of guilt with a counselor. Rely on your attorney’s advice to craft a fair and equitable divorce
• Money trap. It is not uncommon in marriages for one spouse to handle all the financial matters and the other spouse to be fairly ignorant about the family finances. It’s time to learn and learn fast. Too often the financially savvy spouse will win an unfair financial advantage in the divorce because the unknowledgeable spouse refused to take responsibility. When you decide to divorce, both parties need to share financial knowledge and responsibility. After all, each of you will soon have to manage this aspect of life for yourself. Don’t delay; get up to speed today.
  How to avoid the trap: Visit an accountant or financial planner and go over your finances. You need to understand what you have, how each financial instrument works, how to manage your money, and how to grow your money for the future.
• Trust trap. In the interest of saving money, some spouses elect to use the same lawyer. The lawyer is supposed to offer advice to both spouses. While this can sometimes work, it is difficult for a lawyer to be equally loyal to both parties. If you have any differences with your spouse, if custody is involved, if you have disparate financial means, if emotions are high, you should not be letting him/her choose your attorney. You will profit from hiring an attorney to look after your own interests. Having separate attorneys will not in and of itself make your divorce adversarial, but it will give you someone to calmly explain each step and decision and give you advice that is in your own best interest. If you’ve decided to divorce, it’s time to start making your own decisions.
  How to avoid the trap: Hire your own attorney.
• Impatience trap. Sometimes the emotional need to get your spouse out of your life so you can move on will lead you to settle too quickly, often for less than you are entitled to. Maintaining contact with your spouse while decisions are made and loose ends are tied up can be difficult and frustrating. Once the decision has been made to separate, you are focused on building a new life. You may become impatient with the process of ending the old one. Don’t out of impatience and short-sightedness make precipitous decisions. If dealing with your spouse is too difficult, ask that all contact go through your attorney.
  How to avoid the trap: Let your attorney deal with your spouse.
• Victim trap. Divorce is not the time to throw up your hands and whine, "I can’t do this. It’s too hard." You must be your own advocate. You may not have asked for this in your life, but it’s here. Time to buck up and take care of yourself. If you could manage a home, a marriage and a family, you can take care of little old you. The hardest part is silencing the fearful inner voice that says, I can’t; and rediscovering the competent individual inside who knows, I can.
  How to avoid the trap: Work with a counselor to discover and resolve your feelings of helplessness. Rely on your attorney to tell you what you need to do, then take each task one step at a time until it is accomplished.

When you get divorced, it turns your children’s world upside down. Last time we talked about things you should do to help your children cope with the changes divorce creates in their lives (see our August 2 post). But there are also some things you should not do that will make the adjustment easier for your children.

1. Don’t be a sugar daddy. Parenting by guilt, giving your child everything he wants, becoming the Disneyland dad (or mom) will not comfort your child. He wants you and your undivided attention in his life, not a lot of meaningless things. 
2. Don’t ignore discipline. Children need limits to feel safe and secure. By removing the limits and giving in to your child’s every demand or temper tantrum, you shift the power from parent to child. Despite his protests, this is not what your child truly wants. Children will push the limits until they reach the safety of the boundaries. By continually extending those boundaries, you deny your child the security he craves.
3. Don’t bash your spouse. Despite your differences, your spouse is your child’s mother or father and your child will always love him or her. Many parents make the mistake of trying to undermine their children’s love for the other spouse, to get their children on their side. It is unfair to put your children in the middle of your adult problems and ask them to take sides. This will just create unbearable stress for your children and trust issues than may plaque them well into their adult lives.
4. Don’t introduce new partners too soon. Your children need time to adjust to the realities of your divorce. It is normal for children to have fantasies about their parents getting back together. They need time to assimilate the separation and the changes in their lives. Introducing dating partners too soon just causes your children additional angst and confusion.
5. Don’t neglect your health. The stress of divorce will take a tremendous physical and mental toll. Make sure you eat right, get enough sleep and exercise to reduce stress. You won’t have the energy to help your children if you don’t take care of yourself.

It’s important to help your children accept and cope with your divorce without drawing them into your difficulties and struggles with your spouse. It’s a tall order and you may not be successful all the time, but every effort you make will help your children adjust and weather the changes divorce brings more successfully.

1. Remain predictable. As much as possible, continue normal, everyday routines. Family dinners, after school activities, play dates, chores, homework time, visits to grandma’s — all the small routines that have defined your children’s lives should be continued. Routine and predictability give your child’s life stability. It is important to maintain discipline. Consistent discipline will help your child feel safe and secure at a time when his life may feel out of control.
2. Remain dependable. Let your children know they can count on you. Be on time for activities with your children and pay your child support on time. If changes in routine must be made, tell your child well in advance and discuss the change and reason for it so your child has time to adjust.
3. Remain involved. It is normal for children to feel rejected during divorce, even blame themselves for their parents’ separation. You need to remove this burden from your child. You can never tell a child you love him too often. Give hugs and accept hugs. Be involved — or become involved — in your child’s daily life: help with homework, attend activities, cheer at sporting events, drive carpools, play ball with your child and his friends, telephone just to say “hi.”
4. Remain civil. For the children’s sake, cooperate with your spouse about child rearing issues. Put any personal disagreements aside and make decisions about your children together. Present the same united front you presented when you were happily married. You are both still your children’s parents and need to act together in their best interests. Make every effort to keep basic rules — homework, curfew, chores, TV privileges, discipline, behavior toward adults and other family members — consistent in both homes. These things give your child a much-needed anchor during a turbulent time.
5. Remain interested. Show your children that you love them and are interested in their lives. Listen to them when they talk to you. Try to read between the lines and address the fear, anger and emotions that they may be experiencing. When you are with your children, live in the moment. Don’t get sidetracked discussing issues with your spouse or friends or wading through paperwork or immersing yourself in office work. By focusing your full attention on your children when you are with them, you reassure them of their importance in your life.

Next time: A few things you don’t want to do.