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Divorce can be one of the most devastating events in a person’s life, but it can also be a path to positive and healthy change. Three essential tasks must be completed to ensure a healthy divorce. We talked about letting go in our August 18 post, How to Accomplish a Healthy Divorce. Next you must develop new social ties.
Developing social ties is an ongoing process. It will take time to reestablish supportive relationships with your family and build a new social network that embraces your single status. During divorce, you may find some of your friends drifting away for a variety of reasons:
- Some of the friends you enjoyed as a couple will feel threatened by your single status and be uncomfortable including you in couples-oriented events.
- Some friends will take sides and you’ll lose those who side with your spouse.
- If you have children or a challenging job or live far from your family, you may find that by focusing on your immediate family you have grown distant from your parents, siblings and relatives.
As old social connections disintegrate, you may feel tremendously alone before new connections are firmly established. Social isolation can lead to depression. Do not allow yourself to use your children to fulfill your need for interaction and companionship. Confiding in your children — even teen or adult children — simply places another burden on them. They need you to be a parent. They are not equipped to deal with your adult emotions, particularly with regard to your spouse. To them, the person you are divorcing is a beloved parent. Listening to adult complaints and worries is exceedingly stressful to children. You need to share your concerns and feelings with other adults or a counselor.
You may have a raw emotional need to fill the void left by your spouse’s departure. You may crave the closeness, companionship and affection your spouse used to provide. Jumping into a serious romantic relationship before you have had a chance to grieve and heal will only lead to disaster.
Relationships immediately following a divorce are referred to as transition relationships. They serve as a bridge to carry you from married couple status to singledom and help you explore your new role. Casual relationships can help you build self-esteem and confidence as a single, but transitional relationships rarely provide the solid basis necessary for a strong new partnership. A hasty marriage will only result greater tragedy for you and your family. Give yourself time to analyze why your marriage failed and grieve for the loss.
Give yourself at least a year to rebuild your social network. You need a chance to explore dating, see what you really want from your new life, and determine what you need in a new partner for you and your children. Use this time to reconnect with siblings and relatives, call up old high school or college friends, look for single activities in your church, join a club or community center, work on a charitable event, volunteer. Place yourself where you are likely to meet other singles and see what develops.
What about the children? If you are able to stay in the same house or in the same community and school district, the majority of your children’s social network will remain intact. Changing school districts or moving to a new town means your children will also need to rebuild their social networks from the ground up. You can make this easier by encouraging their participation in sports and group activities to help them meet new people. If possible, arrange visits with old friends or make trips back to the old neighborhood.
Next time: Redefining parental roles.
