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It’s summer. A visit to the grandparents, the family reunion, a joint vacation with favorite cousins — all of those special summer activities you look forward each year, until now. It’s different when you’re getting divorced. You may find yourself dreading the family get-togethers you used to love.
Your family and friends may not know how to act, what to say, how to be supportive without causing you additional stress. You may notice a certain amount of awkwardness or embarrassment when you enter the room. You may feel emotional distance where none existed before. Face it, your divorce also affects your family and friends and may put a strain on your relationship with them. You need to help them. Let your family and friends know what they can do to help you.
- Don’t give me advice or tell me how to solve a problem unless I specifically ask for advice. Just listen. I need to talk about things and try them out verbally to figure out what I want to do.
- Don’t bash my spouse. We may be getting divorced but we have a history together and there were good times. Help me think of ways to make things more tolerable.
- Don’t make hollow offers to help. Don’t just say, "call me if you need help." I need practical help. Offer to babysit, house sit, run errands, help me paint the kitchen or clean the garage, spirit me away for a night out with friends.
- Don’t ignore me. Do keep me company when I get lonely. Holidays and birthdays are particularly hard when you’re newly alone. Invite me to share the event with you and your family. Stop by for a cup of coffee and a chat in the evening or a movie on the weekend.
- Don’t play matchmaker. It will take me some time to adjust to the divorce. It may be a while before I’m ready to date. Divorce takes a real toll on self-esteem and trust. Give me some time to rebuild my life and my self-confidence. Ask before you fix me up; I’ll tell you if I’m ready.
- Don’t abandon me at family or social events. It’s hard to talk to and face people I knew when I was married. I feel just as awkward and embarrassed as they do. Help me out by running a little interference and giving me an exit strategy if I need one.
- Don’t forget me. Include me in your life. Keep reminding me that though my relationship with my spouse is ending, my ties to family and friends will remain strong. So many things in my life are changing because of the divorce, I need to know that some things — like family and friends — will always be there.
