Divorce Without Dishonor

Most couples will choose a lawyer to represent them in a divorce. Even if your divorce is amicable, you will need advice about the law and the services of a lawyer to prepare and file necessary paperwork. While you and your spouse can choose to be represented by the same attorney, it is best to retain your own counsel who will look out for your individual interests, particularly:

• if there are unresolved custody issues or
• if there are major disagreements about property or
• if one spouse dominates the marriage or is intimidating or abusive.

Choose a lawyer who specializes in family law. You want someone guiding you who has an intimate knowledge and experience in divorce law. He’ll be up-to-date on changes in the law, tax ramifications, custody plans, mediation, the personalities of judges and how best to present your case. Your county bar association can give you the names of several competent lawyers in your area. You might also ask for referrals from recently divorced friends, your therapist, accountant or other lawyers.

Schedule an appointment with two or three different attorneys. Many offer a free or very low cost one hour general consultation. Explain your circumstances and concerns and see how you feel about the answers you receive. You want a lawyer who knows the law, treats you respectfully, takes time to explain the process, and fully answers all your questions. Here are some questions to ask:

• How much of your practice is in family law and specifically in divorce law? How long have you been practicing in this state and what do you do to stay current with new issues?
• How much do you charge and how are fees handled (retainer or hourly) and billed?
• How accessible are you by phone and how are phone calls billed?
• What is the process and how long will it take?
• How do you feel about collaborative divorce and mediation?
• What percentage of your cases are resolved without trial?

For some divorcing couples, their house is just a place to sleep at night. They have no emotional investment in their home or community and no children to uproot. For such couples it may be prudent to sell the home to give both parties the capital to start new lives in new locations. For other couples who are heavily invested in their neighborhoods, the family home may represent continuity and stability. Friends, neighbors, churches and schools can provide a powerful support network to help a divorcing family, particularly the children. Staying in the family home may provide necessary stability in your chidren’s lives.

When deciding whether or not to sell the family home, consider the following:

Reasons to sell

• mortgage payments are too high
• upkeep will require too much time and energy
• equity is needed to pay debts and finance new living arrangements for both parties
• too many bad memories, a psychological need to start fresh
• debt makes refinancing or buy-out impossible

Reasons not to sell

• provides needed stability for spouse and children
• moving would uproot children from school, activities and friends which provide them with a significant sense of security
• mortgage payments are affordable
• spouse has ability and resources to maintain the home
• assets are sufficiently diversified and not limited to home equity
• tax advantages

Unless your debt and finances simply don’t allow the option, you should carefully consider the stability staying the family home will provide your children, particularly if they are of school age. Divorce causes such massive upheaval in your children’s lives — upheaval over which they have no control — that the ability to remain in their home, in a familiar neighborhood where they know the people and places, in a familiar school with people they know and who know them, gives children a much-needed anchor in their lives. Studies have shown that children cope better with divorce when less of their world changes.

Making the decision about whether to keep or sell your home is often driven by finances. But if you and your spouse can work together for the sake of your children, you may be able to arrive at a compromise that allows your children the stability of remaining in the family home. If one spouse cannot buy out the other, consider deferring the sale until the children graduate from high school. There are always options; that’s what divorce without dishonor is all about.

It’s summer. A visit to the grandparents, the family reunion, a joint vacation with favorite cousins — all of those special summer activities you look forward each year, until now. It’s different when you’re getting divorced. You may find yourself dreading the family get-togethers you used to love.

Your family and friends may not know how to act, what to say, how to be supportive without causing you additional stress. You may notice a certain amount of awkwardness or embarrassment when you enter the room. You may feel emotional distance where none existed before. Face it, your divorce also affects your family and friends and may put a strain on your relationship with them. You need to help them. Let your family and friends know what they can do to help you.

• Don’t give me advice or tell me how to solve a problem unless I specifically ask for advice. Just listen. I need to talk about things and try them out verbally to figure out what I want to do.
• Don’t bash my spouse. We may be getting divorced but we have a history together and there were good times. Help me think of ways to make things more tolerable.
• Don’t make hollow offers to help. Don’t just say, "call me if you need help." I need practical help. Offer to babysit, house sit, run errands, help me paint the kitchen or clean the garage, spirit me away for a night out with friends.
• Don’t ignore me. Do keep me company when I get lonely. Holidays and birthdays are particularly hard when you’re newly alone. Invite me to share the event with you and your family. Stop by for a cup of coffee and a chat in the evening or a movie on the weekend.
• Don’t play matchmaker. It will take me some time to adjust to the divorce. It may be a while before I’m ready to date. Divorce takes a real toll on self-esteem and trust. Give me some time to rebuild my life and my self-confidence. Ask before you fix me up; I’ll tell you if I’m ready.
• Don’t abandon me at family or social events. It’s hard to talk to and face people I knew when I was married. I feel just as awkward and embarrassed as they do. Help me out by running a little interference and giving me an exit strategy if I need one.
• Don’t forget me. Include me in your life. Keep reminding me that though my relationship with my spouse is ending, my ties to family and friends will remain strong. So many things in my life are changing because of the divorce, I need to know that some things — like family and friends — will always be there.

A divorce is so much more than who gets the couch and who keeps the cat. As a traumatic life-altering event, divorce compares to the death of a beloved spouse. What happens in court is the tip of the iceberg. Divorce changes every aspect of your life and affects your family, friends, emotional health and physical well-being.

There are four distinct divisions that take place in a divorce:

• Legal divorce. The business end of divorce, the legal divorce is granted by the court. It divides your assets and debt and sets the ground rules for custody, visitation, parenting decisions, financial obligations, and sometimes behavior.
• Social divorce. Your friendships and lifestyle will be affected by the divorce. Your divorce will polarize your friends. Many will choose sides even if you don’t demand it. They may express greater loyalty or intense anger toward one spouse. They may resent the change in the status of your friendship or be unwilling to deal with the intense emotions that are triggered by divorce. They may choose to distance themselves as a protective measure. Your new status as a single will also create new challenges. Most people have individual friends and couple friends. As a single you won’t fit and will find yourself being included in activities less and less frequently. Your lifestyle may also change. You may have to move into a smaller living space, go from a single-story home to a one or two-bedroom apartment. The changes in space and privacy can be a difficult adjustment.
• Emotional divorce. As in grief, you will travel through a range of emotions as you cope with the divorce and its aftermath: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. Divorce shakes self esteem to its very core. It may take months or even years of counseling to redefine yourself outside of your marriage and regain a positive sense of self. You may need the help of a trained counselor or therapist or anti-depressant drug therapy to work your way through the emotional aspects of divorce.
• Physical divorce. Your actual separation from your spouse and the physical division of your belongings may be harder to accept than you anticipate. One or both of you may need to leave the family home and find another place to live. Many of the familiar touchstones of everyday life — objects you’ve grown accustomed to seeing or using every day — will no long be part of your life. The sense of loss can be acute and surprisingly disorienting.

To successfully weather divorce and build for yourself a new place in the world, you must deal with all four aspects of your divorce.

If you and your spouse want to maintain control over your divorce but need assistance resolving certain issues, a mediator can help. A mediator may sometimes act as a referee or counselor, but he is primarily a guide. He’ll help you define the issues that divide you, let you know what the law says, suggest options, help you analyze problems, and guide you toward a solution. For a more detailed explanation of mediation, read our July 18, 2007 blog post.

How does mediation work?

• Select a mediator. Mediators are trained professionals, often attorneys or therapists, with special training in mediating divorces. Your attorney may be able to recommend a professional mediator or you can call your local bar association, mediation association or courthouse.
• Set a schedule. You and your spouse will meet with the mediator for six to ten sessions, each lasting one to two hours. It’s important to meet once a week to keep things moving forward.
• Create a checklist. You and your spouse should each make a list of issues to be decided. Your mediator should be able to provide a list of typical items that require discussion or decision in a divorce: living arrangements, bill payment, custody, visitation, child support, property settlement, alimony, division of attorney and mediator fees, etc.
• Work through the issues. Urgent issues like where each spouse and the children will live and how bills will be paid during the divorce process will need to be decided immediately. Some decisions may take longer to reach and may need to be addressed in stages as potential options are discussed. The goal of mediation is to arrive at a settlement agreement.
• Finalize the agreement. Once you and your spouse have arrived at an agreement, either your mediator or attorney will prepare the legally binding settlement document and file it with the court.

Mediation is one way to decrease the stress and expense of divorce. Mediation gives control back to the couple by allowing them to make decisions about their divorce issues with the assistance of a neutral third-party mediator. It allows you both to make important decisions about your future instead of abrogating them to an impersonal judge whose decisions will be based solely on points of law.

• The key to successful mediation is compromise, says retired family law attorney Brette McWhorter Sember in her book No-Fight Divorce. Divorce doesn’t have to be war. No one wins in a divorce; loss is inherent. Mediation is a way of mitigating that loss and finding a way to compromise so both parties feel a fair and livable decision has been made.
• Mediation is a problem solving method. Untangling two lives (and the lives of your children) is a complex process. A mediator can help you organize the decisions to be made and process them in an orderly manner. A mediator will help you discover acceptable solutions to problems that divide you.
• Mediation emphasizes self-determination. With the help of the mediator, you and your spouse make your own decisions about your divorce issues. The mediator is there to help  both parties understand the law, each other’s needs and rights, and all the possible options so you can make informed decisions.
• Mediation must be flexible. There are no absolutes in mediation. It is designed to allow both parties the opportunity to create solutions that are tuned to the needs of your particular family. Decisions are not imposed upon you, but chosen by you.
• There is no time limit to mediation. Unless your mediation is court ordered, in which case the court may set a time constraint on the process, you and your spouse can take your time. Mediation is a process. You may need to stop and think about things or talk through issues before coming to an agreement. Mediation allows you to take as much time as you need to reach the important decisions that will affect your life and the lives of your spouse and children.

Are  you a victim of Parental Alienation Syndrome?  Do you feel that your spouse is turning your child against you? Is your child afraid to see you? Does  he spend his visit wanting to go home? Does she say hateful things about you or repeat awful lies your spouse is telling her?

Though not yet recognized officially by the courts, charges of Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS) are cropping up more frequently in divorce custody hearings.

• What is Parental Alienation Syndrome? It’s when the custodial parent, or the parent with greater physical or emotional access to the child, uses his/her power to negatively influence the child’s feelings toward the other parent. In other words, it’s when one parent alienates the child against the other parent.

Asserting a charge of PAS is problematic because children are easily manipulated by their parents and during divorce their emotions are all over the place. Psychiatrists and psychologists are split on the validity of PAS. It can be difficult to tell if a child’s negative behavior toward one parent is the work of a concentrated hate campaign by the other parent or just part of the normal emotional upheaval of divorce.

The courts may not recognize PAS, but families going through divorce know that it happens, with damaging results for both child and parents. Too often during divorce parents are engulfed in anger and may try to consciously manipulate their child to blame or dislike the other parent. Sometimes a parent’s grief at the failure of the marriage is so great that he may inappropriately confide his feelings to his child.

Whether intentional or not, the obvious pain and anger his parents feel can’t help but influence a child’s feelings. The damage to the child’s psyche can be tremendous, often following her into her adult years and affecting her ability to trust and connect with the opposite sex. A collaborative divorce can help you, your spouse and particularly your child avoid the devastating consequences of parental alienation.