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Newsweek Health September 25, 2006 Fighting Over the Kids: Battered spouses take aim at a controversial custody strategy.
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14870310/site/newsweek/from/ET/
This interesting article says that parental alienation is now the "leading defense" for parents accused of abuse in custody cases involving documented spousal abuse in custody cases, according to domestic violence advocates. Under the parental alienation theory, children fear or reject one parent because they have been corrupted or coached to lie by the other.
This year the National Council of Juvenile and Family Court Judges denounced the theory as "junk science," and at least four states have passed legislation to curtail its use in custody cases involving allegations of domestic violence.
Don’t people who know anything about acrimonious custody litigation realize that there are indeed very many real cases of parents brain washing their children. I think to call it "junk science" is being too close minded. While it makes sense that DV advocates would dismiss parental alienation altogether, it does exist and it is not just an abuser’s trumped up "defense." It is a real problem faced by many good parents, that is not looked at in enough detail and with sufficient scrutiny in cases where parents, usually women, routinely, and methodically, intentionally unreasonably deny access and involvement to the children to "punish" their ex’s and/or to exert their own form of power and control and abuse, whether as "payback" or for other self-serving reasons. Let’s talk about it on this Blog!
Yea, It is bullshit. The victum becomes the criminal and the criminal becomes the victum. How sweet.What law is there that we can eliminate heresay?
Unfortunately this victimizes the children being used as pawns by abusive parents, as well as the abused parent. My husband is a self-described sociopath & domestic violence provider. He stopped beating me 6 years ago.Now he physically abuses my older son(mama’s boy)& favorites the younger son. He makes rude comments & tries to offend then curses,screams& throws/breaks things, then calls the police crying victimization.This is after I tried to divorce him 6 years ago for abuse.He knows all the tricks & manipulations.During this divorce the entire family downed me verbally to all the family children,did intimidation tactics to me to avoid court ordered activity & kept the child away from the mother as much as possible only to pawn him off on someone else to be neglected. He does not accept divorce as an option. He forcibly took our children from our home at 8pm & said they would be back for bed.Then he called me after leaving & returned to accost me while I was in the bath,leaving the children in the car unattended. When I did not accede to his demand I go with him,say something nice,& never mention divorce, he started bellowing, slammed the doors & screamed “f u beotch” & left with the kids & only car. He had already taken all our money. He did not return with the children. He did arrive at his parent’s house & call the police at 9:30pm. They came to see me accidentally, then went over to he who had called. He always told me if I tried to leave him, he would obtain custody by showing me to be mentally ill.By 2 am I was very worried;no kids,no call, nothing. These are kids who receive 95% of their care from me & have never spent the night away from me. When I called him he became verbally abusive & refused to bring the children home. According to him, if I do not want to continue with his abuse, then I am inappropriate for the children, even though my children love me & are afraid of him. They come to me for everything he won’t provide. He is now
emotionally/mentally abusive severely to me & my oldest son, a”mama’s boy” who suffers from his father taking out his anger issues. This father fits the profile for controlling,damaging behaviors. He pulls the boy’s hair, screams & curses at him, calls him self-esteem killing names like stupid,idiot,doofus,etc. The grandfather supports & models this behavior, screaming at the boy “why do you break everything”. Both lie to the child &tell him the police are going to come get him for everything.The father punishes the boy for minor bad behavior caused by neglect. He does not watch him, feed him,provide emotional support, or generally do anything to help him form into an emotionally stable man.The child has responded to this “step-child” treatment with anger,depression,severe anxiety & regressive behaviors, all of which they punish him severely for. The paternal family & father are only interested in one thing in case of divorce: keeping the children away from the mother at any cost. The home environment is filthy, with loaded guns, pepper spray, knives & dangerous prescription medications laying around in children’s reach. This coupled with neglect & severe punishment/child blame for lack of supervision makes a sneaky child who can be killed or maimed. What kind of help is there for that??? “Father’s rights” trump healthy family every time!
It is almost enough to make me cancel my subscription to this blog and not buy the book — my ex husband abused me physically and emotionaly for years before I finally got up the courage to leave. Now, he does the same thing to my two children. They cry and beg not to have to go over there virtually every time he has visitation. My children report physical violence, swearing profusely at them, severe anger management issues, as well as other forms of neglect and abuse — they sleep on his floor with nothing but a couch cushion for a pillow and one blanket between the two of them. They come home wearing filthy clothes, covered in food, paint, rashes (I believe from sleeping on the floor). He tells them he won’t feed them because he “gives all his money to [their] mother.”
For Christmas, they each got a box of macaroni & cheese and some small chocolate candies — he bought himself a new set of golf clubs. From the time he picks them up until the time I get them back, he tells them I’m really still married to him and I will burn in eternal hell because I refuse to fulfill my wifely duties. Both kids see a psychiatrist, my oldest son weekly, to help them work through the issues. their Dr. has called DCFS on him several times, and each time he has lied about what happend and the case was determiend to be “not indicated” — meaning they found no evidence of abuse. I guess in less there are broken bones or blood, its ok to physically and emotionally abuse your children in the state of Illinois.
People tell me I’m not hard enough on my ex — that I don’t “fight” as hard as I should. But, I try to remain balanced and fair when talking about him and dealing with custody and visitation issues. But, I cannot blatantly lie to them and tell them he’s a good man. I cannot pretend everything is ok — they are smart enough to know that being punched for NOT wanting ice cream isn’t right.
There is no “collaboration” possible with this man. He is on the edge of a complete mental break down. I’ve had multiple Orders of Protection, Orders of Tresspass, etc. and he continually flaunts them and believes the law does not apply to him. In the 14 years we were married he showed me time and time again that he is out of touch with reality. He scares me — do I have to wait until he kills one or both of my children to be able to do anything about it? And do I have to send my kids over there to visit him without being able to give them a serious, balanced and accurate account of how they should handle his raging anger? Should I NOT tell them about how to call 911 — simply because I am now the criminal?
I recently read an article comparing the deaths due to swine flu in the US (at the time there had been 2) with the number of deaths involving domestic abuse situations (68 in the US for the same time frame). Society seems to turn everything into an epidemic, EXCEPT those things that are so commonplace as to not cause notice.
You have your right to continue to try and make ME the criminal. You have a right to think that I am wrong for trying to protect my children and give them the tools, skills and courage they need to survive yet another visit to their father. And I have the right to respectfully disagree whole heartedly with your rather misguided opinion. When you have been continually abused at the hands of someone much bigger and stronger than you — for years and years on end — THEN you can come back and share an INFORMED opinion with me about how to deal with it.
Forgive me, Mary, but it seems you’ve missed Mike’s point in the original post. He’s not saying that legitimate cases like your fit into the category of “parental alienation.” Obviously, you have plenty of reason for limiting your husband’s access to the children; he is clearly a danger.
Mike is saying there are legitimate cases in which one parent poisons the children against the other–much like your ex-husband does when he tells your children he can’t afford to take care of them because he “gives all his money to [their] mother.”
Mike is on your side on this issue.