Divorce Without Dishonor

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands? — Milton Berle

A fool empties his head every time he opens his mouth.

Study results that were released in mid-December 2007 stated that parents who choose to end a marriage are not less capable following a divorce. This study was conducted in Canada at the University of Alberta.

Researchers admitted that the findings go against the commonly held beliefs about what divorce does to children and to the parent-child bond. We are usually told that divorce shatters children and can really damage the emotional connection with one or both parents.

The study focused on three aspects of parenting: how parents nurture, how consistent they are, and how they punish their children. Researchers found that parents in solid unions and parents who had divorced both functioned in the same way in these areas before and after a divorce.

One of the head researchers did admit, however, that there are parents who do not cope well with divorce and that this strain will have a bearing on their parenting skills.

Studies or no, we all know that stress causes us to alter our behavior and the stress of a contentious divorce will have an effect on your children.

When you opt for a collaborative divorce, you are choosing a path that will give you a greater sense of calm.

This month’s Divorce Without Dishonor e-newsletter focuses on why fathers tend to disappear from their children’s lives after divorce. Known as “Ghost Dads,” they continue to send support checks but are physically absent from their children’s lives, ultimately becoming “ghosts” to their kids.  

For many dads, the separation seems to be a matter of both shame and self-preservation. In the competitive masculine world with its focus on winning, divorce is seen as failure, as losing. Post-divorce conflict over child support, parenting and visitation only augments feelings of failure. Coupled with dating, remarriage or job relocation, these factors can strain a father’s relationship with his family to the breaking point. Some men simply grow weary of fighting and give up. New girlfriends or wives can exert additional pressure on fathers to spend less time with their children. Pushing away from the pain and anger of a situation they cannot control, fathers abandon the children they love to become “ghost dads.”

The all too common phenomenon is a tragedy for the entire family, particularly the children. Collaborative divorce can create an avenue of communication and an atmosphere of respect that encourages fathers to remain a vibrant part of their children’s lives. Click here for more information on collaborative divorce.

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When you and your spouse decide to end your marriage, this does not just affect the two of you. It affects your family and friends as well. Sometimes you will hear people talk about who took sides in a divorce. There are bickering couples that divide friends as if they were property to be distributed.

Those closest to you are not the ones going through the divorce, but do not underestimate the effect it will have on them. For some of them you may have been an example. Others will feel your pain because they have already been through it. In fact they may in some ways relive their own divorce as they see you going through yours.

We cannot say that a collaborative divorce will ease the pain or discomfort that those in your social circle will feel when you divorce, but we can say that the spirit of cooperation will help you handle the fallout better.

If a family member or friend starts to badmouth your former spouse or gives unsolicited advice about vengeful ways you can deal with the situation, you can calmly tell them that the two of you are handling the divorce in a calm manner.

If you are in the throes of divorce, it’s important to protect your credit. Your finances can take a real hit during divorce; and women usually suffer more than men, writes Katherine McKee for FirstWivesWorld.com (read our previous post for a review of the website). “Without a solid credit history in your own name, you won’t be able to qualify for re-financing the marital home. And you’re also likely to end up with high-interest credit cards and auto loans,” she warns.

Follow these tips to protect your credit rating during and after divorce:

• Pay off joint debts. Until they’re paid, you’re both responsible. If they can’t be paid, freeze the account so neither of you can increase the debt.
• Get a credit card in your own name, then cancel joint credit cards. Make sure you remove your name as a user on your spouse’s cards to prevent their credit issues from also being reported under your name.
• Pay off car loans and retitle each vehicle in only one name.
• If you have trouble paying monthly bills due to illness or job loss, talk to your creditors and work out a payment arrangement. Unpaid debt will be reported and can lower your credit score.

For more tips, click here to read the whole article.

Heralding itself as “the new face of divorce,” First Wives World is an online community for and by divorced women. You’ll find useful information, expert advice, news, entertainment, polls, resources and plenty of much-needed support and companionship on this great website for women.

For the more than 40 million divorced women out there, First Wives World promises discovery, inspiration, connection — and fun! Registration is easy (and free!) and provides you with a bi-weekly newsletter covering site news and upcoming regional events. As you browse the site, you’ll find information conveniently divided into special sections — all divorce stages, contemplating, navigating and moving beyond — making it easy to pinpoint the information you need with just a mouse click.

Some of the features won’t want to miss:

• Hot Flashes, the hilarious continuing escapades of a 40-something divorcee with kids written by Grey’s Anatomy writer Mimi Schmir.
• Sarah Farthing’s vlog (video blog) chronicling her journey down divorce’s rocky road and beyond.
• Great articles such as: What Not to Say in Front of the Kids, Unlocking and Living Your Dreams Post Divorce, Don’t Date Him, Girl and Protecting Your Credit When a Marriage Ends.
• Catch up on the latest celebrity divorce gossip: Hoff’s in the House…But Why?
• Kathy Kaehler’s energizing video diary that injects a sense of humor into some great exercise routines.

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer someone else up. — Mark Twain

Unlike court-ordered divorce decisions, collaborative divorce allows you and your spouse the flexibility to re-evaluate and adapt as your children’s needs change over time. Court-ordered decrees strive to set custody arrangements that will stand until children reach the age of majority and can make their own decisions. But children’s lives are not static. Custody and support arrangements and many other decisions you make when your children are 2 or 3 may not meet their needs when they are 7 or 8 and will certainly be outdated when your children enter the pre-teen and teen years. Your ability to be flexibility and to compromise with each other will allow you and your spouse to continue to do what is best for your children as they mature.

As your children grow and their needs change, you may have to change the way you allocate parental time, responsibilities and resources to meet their new needs. By establishing avenues of positive communication and cooperative problem-solving during the collaborative divorce process, you and your spouse will have the skills to work together and provide the necessary flexibility to effectively parent your children now and in the future.

Divorce can take a heavy emotional toll on your children. The turmoil and acrimony that accompany divorce can have life-long repercussions for your children, affecting their ability to make and maintain healthy adult relationships as they mature. More than 50% of children from divorced homes wind up in failed marriages. There is a correlation between living through divorce and the ability to commit to a relationship as an adult.

Collaborative divorce allows parents to exhibit positive role modeling for their children during and after divorce. You and your spouse can choose to model good communication  and effective problem solving for your children, instead of the contempt, destructive sarcasm, criticism and defensive behavior so common during divorce. Through collaborative divorce, you can teach your children to confront problems rationally and compromise to achieve fair solutions.

The collaborative process uses a team approach to help you and your spouse develop skills in active listening, rational thinking, anger management, creative problem solving, and effective communication. As you develop and practice these skills through the collaborative divorce process, you create a basis for continued positive interaction as you parent your children after divorce. You also model for your children positive, mature, adult behavior on which they can model their own future relationships.