Divorce Without Dishonor

It’s all the buzz on the Web Kate and Jon from the wildly popular reality TV show are separating and it appears that divorce will be around the corner. As parents of multiples they are tracking with the statistical trend that shows parents of multiples have triple the typical divorce rate.

Even the station TLC is getting in the act to help Jon and Kate Gosselin navigate the rough waters of divorce and separation:

“TLC continues to support the Gosselin family and will work closely with them to determine the best way to continue to tell their story as they navigate through this difficult time,” the network said in a statement.

These two new celebrities may want to consider putting their children first by considering divorce mediation through collaborative divorce. Although the two seem to be considering tag team house and then kid watching, anyone who has been separated and divorced themselves knows that this may create more stress on already damaged relationships with the parents. And then just wait until one of the two starts to date again… The upcoming difficulties are endless.

Putting the kids first early in separation and working with professionals to help navigate the emotional turbulence that comes with separation is something that I strongly recommend that the Gosselins seek out quickly. What started out as fun should not turn into a televised nightmare for the kids with all of America watching.

Once you have brought your energy into the present moment, you can devote your attention to the new direction your life can now take. Grounded in your new truth, you can create your new future.

Regardless of what life brings us, we have the power of free will to choose which direction to take.  Do we choose the high road, using challenges like divorce to show us that we have the strength to heal ourselves and become more of who we are meant to be?  Or do we choose the low road, and choose to be a victim of life and other people’s choices. Until we decide to embrace the gift that is inherent in any challenge, we are letting it use us, rather than the other way around. 

When we trust our inner guidance, we know that when we find something isn’t right for us, we are being redirected toward something better. Your best self is worth the hard work of the high road, because you will feel empowered to deal with anything and know it can only make you stronger.

Forgiveness is one of the most powerful things you can do to heal from divorce, and it may also be one of the most difficult. But forgiveness is not just a one-way, or even a one-time thing.

It may seem obvious to forgive our exes, and it’s something we may have to do several times a day until our emotions allow us to put our energy entirely into the present. What is less obvious is that we often need to forgive ourselves. We need to remember that we did the best we could with what we knew at the time. Now that we know better, we can do better. And if children are involved, we can teach them what we’ve learned.

It can be just as powerful to ask for forgiveness. In private moments in communion with our spirits, we can ask forgiveness from anyone we feel might have been hurt or disappointed by our divorce—even God, or own bodies that have been put through the wringer with the stress. We are here for giving—forgiving is one of the life lessons we all need to be our best selves.

There is no way we can control the situations that life may bring us, but we can control how we respond to these situations. The power of choice is ours, and it allows us to see old events in a new way. 

Looking back at our old choices, we can make the new choice to interpret them in ways that empower us.  We can see where our choices may have been acting against our highest goals, and can make the choice to learn from them, and then choose to behave differently starting right now.  For example, we can choose to respond rather than react when old wounds or disagreements are brought up, and in making that choice, we take control in a whole new way and become the designers of our own new realities.

When it comes to choices involving child custody, this can be especially challenging, which is why our book about collaborative divorce, “STOP Fighting Over The Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations” was written. To find out more about the book, visit the STOP Fighting Over The Kids book website.

You’re getting divorced and you’re angry, resentful, hurt, vindictive or any combination of other painful emotions. You want to lash out, to get back at your spouse or boost your own sense of esteem. Hiring the most aggressive litigious divorce lawyer you can find seems like your smartest choice. Your ex is in for a fight!

If you’re a parent who is thinking along those lines, you’re making a choice you may long regret.
 
If you choose a lawyer who directs you straight into a vicious court battle, the costs to you will be insurmountable – not only in financial outlay, but in emotional turmoil as well. Think long and hard before you move your divorce battle into the legal system. It is likely to take its toll on every member of your family – including your children – in the most destructive and gut-wrenching ways. It happens all the time. But it need not happen to you.

When you give your divorce outcome over to the courts, you are paving the way to unimaginable stress and frustration compounded by a sense of powerlessness that is hard to comprehend until you are in its grips. As you stand by and watch attorneys and judges make decisions about your life and your future you can’t help but feel violated and helpless. The taste of revenge that you were after can easily turn into anxiety and shock when issues get twisted and victors become victims right before your eyes. The consequences can play out for years, and often decades, to come.
 
Sadly, your children are not protected from the emotional and psychological repercussions. When custody decisions are made by those who are focused more on financial issues than family issues, children’s needs often get pushed aside in favor of other objectives. Relationships, balance and good will are not prime objectives in the battle of divorce, and the scars on your children’s psyches are often overlooked in the legal blood-bath that ensues.

There are other ways. Better ways. And more ways than ever before to create a divorce that respects the rights of every one in the family.

Before engaging that “killer” attorney, talk to a Collaborative Divorce attorney who specializes in creating peaceful outcomes without going to court. Collaborative Lawyers are trained to use their own special skills along with the aid of financial planners, therapists, mediators and other resources to bring both sides into conversation about win-win outcomes. Children’s needs get high consideration.

Certified Mediators offer another opportunity to create a fair settlement without litigation at a considerable cost savings. Many mediators are former divorce attorneys who have battled it out in court and know there are saner solutions for all concerned. They care about creating peaceful resolutions.

Learn from the lessons and mistakes of others. If you want to save yourself considerable expense – both emotionally and financially – and if you want your children to thank you when they are grown up for creating a civilized, sensible, harmonious divorce – make the right decisions today. Stay out of court. Stay out of the hands of killer attorneys. Stay in the good graces of your children. Create a Child-Centered Divorce – and reap the rewards for years to come!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Over the years there have been endless studies on the effects of divorce on parents and children. Some of the results are
controversial. Others seem to be universally accepted as relevant and real. Here are a few of my perceptions from studies on children who experience divorce that I believe all of us, as parents, should take to heart.

• Not surprisingly, the first two years of divorce are the most difficult. In some cases it takes an average of three to five years to really “work through” and resolve many of the issues and emotions that come to the surface. For some, the effects of divorce last many additional years — or even a lifetime — if not dealt with appropriately. Taking steps toward a child-centered divorce can dramatically impact the negative effects of divorce on all members of the family. It will help everyone to move through this time rather than merely letting “time heal all wounds.”

• Preschoolers tend to be more frightened and anxious, but seem to adjust better than older children in the long run. Their biggest fear is of abandonment. Stressing security and a continuation of family routines is very helpful for them. Older children understand more, but do not have adequate coping skills and therefore seem to have more long-term problems. This is often because they remember life before the divorce and so experience a greater change of life patterns and dwell more on comparisons between the past and present. Stressing the love both parents have for the child — and that that love will continue forever is vitally important whenever possible.

• Children who may have witnessed a troubled marriage and family life may greatly benefit from observing their parents now working out a reasonable and respectful post-divorce arrangement. This positive and mature behavior will affect a child’s adjustment more than any other factor.
  
• It is never too late to create a child-centered divorce, even if you started on the wrong track. Every step you take toward focusing on your children’s emotional, psychological and physical needs as they move through the months and years post-divorce, will be a step toward modeling for them how loving, compassionate, and caring parents respond to their children’s needs. I encourage you to make your relationship with your children’s other parent as respectful and considerate as you can — for the sake of your children.
                  
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Rosalind Sedacca’s new ebook How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? can be found at http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. She can be reached at Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com. Her free articles and ezine are available at www.childcentereddivorce.com.

When going through a divorce, the desire to lay blame is strong, and of course, natural. But in order to learn and grow from the situation, and truly heal, we need to look inside of ourselves.  When we can ask ourselves what our contributions to the situation have been, then we’re ready to take an honest look at exactly how we participated in and co-created our divorce drama.  Then we’re ready to release our anger and move forward without dragging the past behind us.

By taking responsibility for our part in the situation, we can make peace with our past, and use it to improve our future.  Looking at the whole picture, we will hopefully see how we chose the perfect partner to teach us the perfect lessons for our highest growth. And if there are children involved, we will be able to see that when we are the best we can be, we can give them the parents they deserve.

Our book about collaborative divorce, “STOP Fighting Over The Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations” is available now, exclusively at Amazon.com. To find out more about the book and to sign up to receive a free chapter visit the STOP Fighting Over The Kids book website. 

Max Sindell is a young man in his early twenties who has written a book for children titled, The Bright Side: Surviving Your Parents’ Divorce.

Sindell was six when his parents divorced. Over the next many years he experienced a wide array of significant divorce issues that affect so many families. These include coping with his parents’ arguments with and about one another, adjusting to travel between homes, remarriage, step siblings and juggling holidays and other special events. He wrote the book to help children identify their “voice” about all these issues. He also wants to show children ways to find the good that can come through and from divorce.

“The book is really supposed to be a quick handbook for making the most out of divorce and making it so that it’s the least of your problems,” Sindell says.  

Sindell uses his own life lessons to walk children through the “downsides” of divorce, and focuses on ways to best handle them. In his chapter titled, “The Good News and the Bed News,” he says “I’d honestly say that my parents’ divorce is one of the best things to ever happen to me in my entire life: That’s the good news.” “On the other hand, divorce can make you wake up one morning realizing how much everything sucks,” he also adds.

Other topics he discusses include: “You Are Never Going to Have One Home Again” and “Your Parents Are Going to Fight.” But within each discussion he also provides positive observations, such as learning how to travel at a young age and developing more independence.

Within the book Sindell also offers his personal bill of rights for divorced children. These are worth discussing with your children. It reminds them that they are not alone in what they are going through. And is empowers them to learn that they deserve and are entitled to “rights” as they move through and beyond the divorce. Let me share the first five with you, which Sindell says children should actually require to be part of their parents’ divorce agreement.

THE DIVORCED KIDS’ BILL OF RIGHTS
(Excerpt from The Bright Side: Surviving Your Parents’ Divorce)
I. The Right to Be Safe and Feel Safe – A child should feel safe and secure. If there ever is a time you don’t feel safe, tell your parents, and if you can’t tell them, tell a counselor or tell a friend. This is your most important right.

II. The Right to Awareness – Every child has a right to know what is going on. Your parents should not lie to you or hide the truth from you about anything to do with you. While some things should remain private between your parents until you are older, if they’re having a discussion about your schedule, you have the right to know and to make your voice heard.

III. The Right to Counseling – Divorce can make you feel like you don’t have a say and don’t make a difference, and that’s exactly where a counselor comes in. A counselor should be someone whom you can talk to privately, without your parents there, and who can help you with your situation.
School counselors are not the only people you can talk to. Adult friends of the family who are unbiased, or the parents of good friends of yours, are also good people to talk to.

IV. The Right to Be Heard – Sometimes, when your parents are trying to sort out what they think is best for you, they can forget to listen to the most important person: You! If you can’t get them to listen to you by yourself, it’s important to have someone — a counselor or a friend — talk for you.

V. The Right to Be Your Own Person – Before your parents were divorced, there was you, your mom, your dad, and the other people in your family. The same is true now. Your parents have to respect your right to feel the way you feel. In dealing with stepparents, or the people your parents are dating, your rights stand. You must tell both your parents and their friends when any boundaries are crossed. If those boundaries are crossed in a major way, and you don’t feel safe, tell a counselor.

Put yourself in your child’s shoes and give these Rights some serious consideration before making any further decisions affecting your children. Talk to your children about what this means. It might open the door to some very meaningful conversations about topics you’ve never before discussed. Empowered children are happier children — less resentful and less likely to act out to get your attention. Isn’t that what you really want?

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

We may look back on our path to divorce and see a progression of incidents and signs that alerted us that something deeper was happening. Some situations may have seemed random, but ultimately led to a confrontation we weren’t expecting.  The Law of Divine Guidance says that there is a higher power at work—one that pulls the strings of fate to help each of us grow to be our best selves.

When confrontation arises, our sense of pride (our ego) can keep us from seeing the full picture with clear eyes. Our egos will remain in charge until we step outside our righteous belief that we are independent and separate beings. As long as this myth is intact, we keep the door closed to our higher wisdom.

When we can get out of your own way and let go of our defenses, we become humble. Humility is the doorway through which the Divine can walk into our lives, and collaboration can become the new order of the day. 

Our book about collaborative divorce, “STOP Fighting Over The Kids: Resolving Day-to-Day Custody Conflict in Divorce Situations” is available now, exclusively at Amazon.com. To find out more about the book and to sign up to receive a free chapter visit the STOP Fighting Over The Kids book website.

Many people think of divorce as a battle, and therefore the concept of SURRENDER may feel like one is giving up the fight, or giving up all hope. Sometimes that is exactly what is needed to get us past our minds, past our egos, and past our desire to control things.

The first place we need to surrender is in quiet time alone. We can turn to our higher power, and hand our control over to that infinite wisdom. Tension will begin to ease, and an underlying calm allows us to move more easily into our dealings with others.

Having already surrendered to the process, there is no need to go into battle. We can choose to look at divorce as an unknown journey that requires assistance from experts to navigate our way through it. Then we can surrender our attempts to have control over something we cannot possibly control. By partnering with people we trust to guide us through the terrain–people who will approach the situation in a way that is aligned with our ideals—we can rest assured that we will make it through in the best possible way.

Collaborative Divorce can help to shift the focus toward building something new that serves all involved.